First off, let me just say thanks for clicking on this post and bothering to look...
I met someone 2 years ago and after a few months, knew I was feeling differently about him than anyone else I'd ever known. I broke it off after several months of grayish dating....by that I mean, it was new and I didn't want to ask for too much. He is very laid back, but eventually, I just felt that maybe he was not interested enough.
We've emailed monthly since then, gotten together occassionally (2-3x year). The last time we got together in May, he was very tender.... but afterward, he told me that he was semi-seeing someone long distance.
I figured that telling me at that moment was just plain stupid or he was trying to run me off. Not that I ever asked for anything.
He emailed me after that, very flirtacious. From time to time we talked about getting together, but he would leave things open ended, and I am not the type of girl who chases, so I would let it go too. Finally, yesterday, he emailed and said he was home, so I called and said let's get together. But in the email he'd also mentioned that he was going on a trip the day after....I wondered if it was to see that girl, but wasn't sure if I should ask or if I wanted to know....
After thinking about it, I emailed him back, telling him what I was thinking, and asked that if there was a girl, would he stop flirting with me. He called, mad, and said I was overreacting. But I simply said that if he can make time for such a thing as a trip with another woman, but not the time for me, how was I wrong? He finally admitted that yes, he was going to see her, but he said I should still come over, and I cannot believe myself. I am so disgusted that I went. I was feeling so emotional, but keeping it inside. When I got there, he was hugging me and holding me close, saying how tense I felt. We ended up having sex and I left feeling like some nasty mut on the street that he'd felt sorry for and invited in. I guess I am only going to be treated as well as I allow myself to be treated if I am willing to take an hour vs. her long weekend. The hardest part is that I never stopped having feelings for him and am afraid that I never will...and I really really want to....how do I start and why am I being so stupid.
I do not understand your current relationship with this person. It sounds as though you are strictly friends with benefits which doesn't really entitle you to anything. Ontop of that, he's in some sort of a quasi-relationship with another girl and who knows what he has been telling her.
You're probably much better off just ending communication with this person and finding someone who wants an actual relationship.
I know that something must be missing in my life/integrity but I don't know what that is---or how to go about filling it---if I could, I would. I appreciate you pointing out that I'm not entitled to anything--but I don't feel that me asking him not to flirt with me while he's involved with someone was out of line, or anything that he should have gotten po'd about. And for the record, I know I am not the only one here who has found themself in a situation like this. I'm looking for some suggestions on how those of you who were, turned it around. I can date other people on a casual rotating basis to keep me busy, but in doing that where does healthy diversion end and lieing to yourself begin? I feel like I need to fix myself and the real problem before I can move on, but don't know how to do that. What did you all do when the urge to email struck? Did pushing someone out of your mind with other thoughts work or not? I know that a thought can only manifest if it gets a foothold. I'm into photography, gardening, drawing, jewelry design, and yoga.... but that doesn't seem to keep thoughts of him from slipping in....
Last edited by betteryesterday; 08-31-2005 at 09:37 AM.
Do you mean you want to turn it around as in get him to fall in love with you and want a committed relationship with you? Because I am sorry to tell you, but that is never going to happen. It sounds to me like you need to work on your self-esteem, because I have yet to see any women with a healthy sense of self-worth and confidence get involved with a man who treats her like something disposable he can use, then throw away, whenever he wants. You are right that people only treat you as well as you demand that they treat you, and as someone who has always been fortunate to be treated well by the men in my life, I really believe this is true. It's a combination of believing you deserve only the best treatment prompting you to choose respectful and caring men who will provide that kind of treatment and having the self-respect to let guys know that you won't tolerate it for one minute if they don't treat you as well as you deserve to be treated, because you know your worth and know that there are tons of guys who would jump at the chance to treat you like a queen if this one blows it. Anyway, what you need to do is cut all ties to this man and tell him never to contact you again. As long as you allow him to be in your life, you will never be able to boost your self-esteem or respect yourself the way you should, and you will always feel cheap and used because that's exactly the way his conduct makes you feel. As far as getting over him, try to realize that you never had him to begin with and that even if you could have him, you wouldn't want him because he's a sleazeball and you deserve a respectful, honest, and trustworthy man. When you get an urge to call him, either post here, call a friend or relative instead, or find some activity to keep you busy. It's just a matter of willpower...you need to kick your habit of allowing him in and out of your life just like you would kick a drug addiction--COLD TURKEY. Just as a drug addict can never again touch even a tiny bit of their drug of choice, you need to permanently cut off ALL contact with him. That is the only way you will be able to build up your self-esteem to the point where the next relationship you enter into will be with a man who recognizes that you respect yourself and therefore knows that he must treat you with the utmost respect or lose you. This is the only way to develop a fulfilling, happy relationship based on mutual love and respect...I've been lucky to have my relationships fit this mold, and time and time again my female friends ask me why their boyfriends always seem to lie, disrespect, ignore, be mean to, or cheat on them. The answer is really quite simple--because they don't have the confidence and self-esteem to avoid jerks who treat women like this in the first place, and they don't cut these men out of their lives once and for all once they see the first signs of such behavior. Please realize that you deserve so much better than this guy will ever give you, and respect yourself enough to cut ties with anyone who doesn't respect you in order to leave room in your life to surround yourself with people who do respect you and never fail to treat you accordingly. Trust me, your life will be so much more satisfying and content, and all you need to do is stay far away from this jerk--no contact whatsoever!!--and concentrate your energy on building up your self esteem.
but I don't feel that me asking him not to flirt with me while he's involved with someone was out of line, or anything that he should have gotten po'd about.
I don't understand why you felt the need to draw the line over flirting but still felt it was appropriate to have sex with someone who was already involved in a relationship.
Eaglegirl's response was best in trying to get over someone. You don't need to go on date after date, but merely busy yourself until these feelings subside. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure you'll find yourself having a lot of weak moments, but you need to remind yourself that this person isn't worth it. I mean, why throw yourself after someone who obviously isn't interest in a real, respectful relationship with you?
By turning it around, I do mean...turning my life around. If self esteem were something that we could simply go pick up at the superwalmart, I would be the first person in line. We live in a small town where we will see one another. I slept with him because I care about him, and I was feeling bad.
Last edited by betteryesterday; 08-31-2005 at 11:13 AM.
Sleeping with him because you felt bad indicates to me that he really is like a drug to you, something you know deep down isn't good for you, but something you can't resist when you're feeling down and want some way to escape from your life for awhile and numb your sadness or other emotional pain. It may be a short term fix, but like a drug, you end up feeling emptier and worse about yourself afterward. I really think you need to think about him like an addiction and approach getting over him the same way you would approach kicking a drug or alcohol addiction. There are books out there that take this approach, one I think is called Women Who Love Too Much and maybe some other posters know other books that can help you build your self-esteem and break free of unhealthy patterns and relationships. I know it's not easy to boost your self-esteem, but it is something you can work on if you have the necessary motivation and willpower, and I promise that it is well worth the effort, even though it is a difficult and arduous process.