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Old 08-31-2005, 11:14 AM   #1
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LSchmitt3 HB User
Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I have got a major problem and need some advice. I started a relationship about 3 months ago with this guy I have known for several years. Oh boy, were we in love or what. He lived about 100 miles away from me, and from the time we started seeing each other, he was continuely begging me to move to the same town as him and get married. At first I said "definetly not, my kids go to school here and that is where they are staying." And then I thought, well, moving wouldn't be so bad. This guy wants to take care of us and I would be crazy to not take this opportunity. I figured my kids deserve to have financial security and they would adjust to a new school and the new town. We could still go back to visit grandma and grandpa, and all of their cousins a couple of times a month. I felt like I loved him enough(which I think now was just lust)to make this move.

I have 2 girls, that are 8 and 10. Their dad and I were married for 12 years and ended up divorced because of alcohol and mental abuse. In the last 4 years I became very independent and determined, to get my girls and I financially secure, without any ones help. Especailly from him. We don't have a lot, but everything we do have, I have worked very hard for. And I take alot pride and am proud of myself for this. Well, of course a single mother, with no college education, isn't gonna make a very hefty income. I have put a wall between myself and anyone who wants to try and help us(so, I have come to realize).

Well, low and behold I found out, about 4 weeks ago, that I was pregnant. I haven't told my kids yet. And I couldn't go through with getting married at this point. The move and the adjusting to a new town, and the kids adjusting to a new school, and the fact of being pregnant, is over whelming me so bad!

I knew this was going fast, but I didn't plan on the pregnancy part. I am scared and feel like he irratates the crap out of me now. Is this just because of hormones? Is it just because I am so used living, just me and my girls? Some days when he gets home for work, I can only roll my eyes and think to myself, "My god, your here again?!" It feels like that neighbor kid who keeps knocking on the door and wanting to play.

I feel so bad because he is such a nice guy. But why does eveything about him, annoy the crap out of me? Even down to his laugh. Should I move back home before my kids get too adjusted? They do miss their cousins and friends tremendously and go through many bouts of anger over this move. But for the most part are doing okay. They do like this guy. I don'tknow what to do??!!

 
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Old 08-31-2005, 11:45 AM   #2
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

Hi sounds like you are in quite a situation! Well I know you have known this man for several years but you have only been with him for 3 months so yes I think you may of jumped into things a bit soon. I'm sure he is a nice man but if he is getting on your nerves it is because you must think to yourself why am I with this person I really dont feel that much for him. If you feel that you would wind up moving back home anyway I would sooner rather then later.As far as being pregnant well that certainly complicates matters and I'm not sure how to advise on that one. I feel that you moved in with this man for the wrong reasons although you say it was for your daughters to have a secure future that is not a good enough reason to live with a man you dont love. Go back home and try to patch your life up as best you can. Good Luck!!!!

 
Old 08-31-2005, 03:30 PM   #3
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

Did you discuss this move with your daughters before doing it? Did you listen to them? If you didn't consider their feeling, I am not suprised that they are angry. I was a single mom for 5 years and where I did not let my boys run my life, I did however, let them have a say when I thought about moving. Although, it was not in with or for any man. It was to be closer to my family.

If you feel like this about this man then, I agree with Lily10 and moving back to your family would be the right move.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 04:05 PM   #4
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I would never make this kind of move, if they didn't want to. Yes, I did discuss it with them first. I have been a single parent for 4 years and there is nothing or no one more important in my life than my girls. My question is about these feelings about my boyfriend. Is it from hormones and should I give it some time?

 
Old 08-31-2005, 04:19 PM   #5
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

Doubt that it is hormones. I can only assume you are not in love and you may feel as though you settled for someone. I mean what can you do wait to see if you feel any different when your hormones settle down? I think a lot of us have felt annoyed with someone we were dateing and I for one have and I know it was because I felt we were not right for each other. You may be looking for reasons to stay with this person and I dont blame you as you are pregnant but down the line it will most likely end anyway so I think it would be easier now then later. I know you must be scared and confused perhaps you should discuss matters with your boyfriend and see how he feels?

 
Old 08-31-2005, 04:28 PM   #6
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I really appreciate your point of view Lilly10. We have discussed the situation and it's not looking good. But the last thing I want to do is go through another divorce, nor does he. My kids are the ones that will get the most affected by it. That really made me angry when ibeeshell insinuated that I made this move for a man. That is something I would not do. I thought it would be best for my girls and like I said before, I did not have intentions of getting pregnant. Things happen and not always planned. This does not make me a bad person. Although, I do feel that way sometimes when I think about having moved my girls here.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 04:37 PM   #7
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I knew I was no longer in love with my boyfriend when everything about him irritated me. I was able to get out of the situation because there were no kids between us.

Good luck

 
Old 08-31-2005, 05:56 PM   #8
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I'm sorry that I made you mad. Your post reads that he begged you to move, so you moved. I was simply responding the part of your post about your girls having "bouts of anger".

 
Old 08-31-2005, 06:19 PM   #9
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I'm sorry if I'm out of line here, but do you want to have this baby? There is nothing wrong, despite what nosy sanctimonious hypocrites, who could care less about protecting children once they are born, constantly whinrail about, with not having a baby if it is not the right timing or the right father and you aren't prepared to be a mother again. I don't know your feelings on the subject but I do believe the world would be a better place if every child was wanted; I'm not trying to tell you what to do but I just think it's at least worth considering all the different choices you have here. OK, that said, I can't imagine what you are going through...you are clearly a very brave, strong, and inspiring mother. Please do not feel guilty for making this move despite it being a difficult transition for you and your daughters. Being a great parent has nothing to do with being perfect or never making any mistakes...it's about loving your children and putting the best interests of your family as a whole before anything else. Are your girls old enough to have an opinion on whether they'd rather live in your new town or back where you moved from? I think HIT there is very wise and in my experience, there is a great deal of truth to the idea that once you get to the point where you are constantly annoyed by your BF, it's pretty definite and obvious that the relationship has run its course. Do you still have any desire to be in this relationship? If not, I think the best choice for you would be to move home...this would also be best for your daughters mainly because the happier you are, the more secure and content they will be. Also, especially if you decide to have another child, it would probably be really helpful if you had family and friends around to help with childcare and moral support. My parents divorced when I was one, and having my grandmother come over every day to take care of me while my mom worked was the best thing that ever happened to me. My grandmom was the most incredibly loving, caring, affectionate woman ever, and along with my mom and dad, proved the best adult influence a child could ever ask for. The more people around who love a child, the better, plus having reliable and incredibly trustworthy childcare helped my mom to work hard enough to go from the bottom of the corporate ladder to the top, which gave her the financial stability to provide everything I ever needed and wanted, including the very best (also very expensive) private schools in the country. She could not have lived up to her full, absolutely amazing, potential as a mother (which I suspect you have and will fulfill as well ) without the support and assistance of her mom, sister, and other family and friends. So if there are no emotional ties holding you where you are, it seems like the best choice would be to go back home, assuming you have people there who are willing and able to help you be the best mom you can be.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 07:48 PM   #10
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I've been in this spot to a point, not being pg. I had a really hot boyfriend and he was so nice but for some unknown reason he just got on my nerves. That was when I was 24 and now I am 33 and I seen him a year ago and he was still hot but for some strange reason he annoyed me. I think it has alot to do with being independant. Once you've been kicked so hard and have done evrything yourself it does bother you do have someone come in. The hard part is....now your having his child. That's tough. I think if you can you should go back and have him move close by you if he wants to see the baby and just date. See where it goes with time. Let it be on your turf.

 
Old 08-31-2005, 08:56 PM   #11
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

Well have you told him you are pregnant? Too see what he thinks? And what do you think? Do you want another baby? And if so are you willing to keep the child if your new guy isnt interested? If he is and you are then this could work. It must be stressful to have your youngest be 8 and get pregnant again, I know my mom had my little sister 7 years after i was born. Granted it was weird for my mom, but my dad primarly wanted another kid because he use to tell my mom he didnt want to hit 50 and have his kids raised ha.

As for your situation. If you two plan on this being an okay thing then whats wrong with staying where you are? Maybe talking about marriage after the baby comes? Would/could this be an option? And if so maybe you could plan on making it so you cannot get pregnant again after this child? This could spare you from any unexpected surprises. But that again is your call to make. Or have him do it, who knows.

Goodluck!

 
Old 08-31-2005, 10:32 PM   #12
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

Hi there,

First I just want to say how I feel for you. You poor thing, you are trying to deal with so many changes, so many stresses, a new relationship, a huge move, children readusting, the certain loss of independance and then to top it all off.....a pregnancy!! My oh my, no wonder you are stressed and can't stand the sight of this guy, you have to dump all that stress somewhere, and obviously he is the only grownup in sight that you can dump it on, no fair, but understandable.

I understand where you are coming from. I met my (now) husband and had a relationship with him for four months before I had to make a descision about relocating with him overseas (for his work), I thought love was grand and that I had to give it a chance etc. What I was not prepared for was the major changes that come about with such a change and the stresses it would provide and just how I would cope (or rather not cope) with these stresses. To put it mildly I pretty much did not cope. I was in a non english speaking country, away from family and friends, not working - basically living a life that was very isolated and very lonely and VERY dependant on my guy - something I was not used to and found really hard to adjust to. (Now bear in mind I did not have two little children to help adjust also). BUT five months later I did fall pregnant! I thought the world had dropped out of my life, I had no idea what I wanted to do, felt trapped, felt as though I probably hated this guy! To cut a long story short.....I/we survived. My husband is a great guy, with a beautiful heart and I think those kinds of people are rare and far between. We have a gorgeous son, and I am now pregnant with our second. Looking back I think any relationship would be be strained to the seams with all the changes we had to cope with, and on a personal note my hormones were jumping everywhere, all I needed was my broom and I would have totally taken off the look of a "posessed witch".

Think long and hard before making any final changes, think about who this man really is, and be aware of the type of relationship you recently escaped from - make sure there are not common traits, maybe see if you can plan a weekend away with this man to talk about how worried and scared you, sometimes just talking can release the pressure valves.

Not sure if this is much help.......but I just wanted you to know that I do understand what you might be going through.

Best of luck and all the happiness. xxx Jen

 
Old 09-01-2005, 07:04 AM   #13
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I feel for you and wish there were a magic pill to take away these problems.

I am inclined to encourage you to leave as a first priority. Your kids must have surely just now started school. Every day there is one more day into this mess. It is not a wise endeavor to move adolescent girls into a home situation with a man that has no legal ties to them and for which you have been in a romantic relationship for such a short period of time. This is very much not good for the girls. You will likely eventually leave this relationship and the longer they are in it the more they will believe this is what they can count on.

The pregnancy, while a big deal and a challenge, a bigger issue at the moment is in having two adolescent girls in a house with a man you do not have solid and definite marraige plans and with whom they have no legal or long standing family or emotional ties.

Please consider how you can manage to get out of this. Perhaps moving back from where you came. Is your family there? Ca you get short-term assistance to move? From your description of whole scenario (beginning to present), this is not a long term, happily ever after, relationship - not for you and not for your kids.

Sorry you have such a dilemma to work out of.

Last edited by Music4All; 09-01-2005 at 07:06 AM.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 11:45 AM   #14
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Re: Pregnant, Already have 2, Scared!.....

I am excited about this new baby. I have always wanted another one. My kids do seem to be happy. It's just once in a while they miss their friends and cousins. I think this is normal with any child moving away. They will adjust possitively, so long as I do. I think I am coming to terms with being 100 miles away from my family. And am thinking (hoping), msinspiration, that things with in myself will get better too.

This guy is so great, so sharing and so big hearted. That is why I can't figure out why I am so annoyed with him. I also think alot of this annoyance is from anger. Just anger of all the changes we are up against.

I truly appreciate everyone's opinion. They are all very helpful when having to look at the good and the bad.

 
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