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Old 08-31-2005, 03:54 PM   #1
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laurie864bla HB User
friends that crossed a line

If you were friends with a guy, and ended up having sex with him--how did you act toward each other afterwards, in social situations?

This came up in another post and has got me thinking. A little backround:

We were not super close, long term friends or anything. Hung out a few times over aperiod of some months, but always friendly with a definite attraction on both sides. I was going out with another friend of his, not a close friend.

Got together last Saturday night and it had been building for a while now. It was great, and we both were happy it happened, and have no regrets. Both said we wanted it to continue, but I asked for discreet for several reasons.

I won't see him until next weekend, b/c this weekend I have the whole thing planned out with my children. What should I expect next weekend, from him or us for that matter? I mean, he's seen me and laughed with me-- flirting with guys, talking to them, telling him who I thought was cute, a loser--you know --like a guy friend!! Can't really do that anymore--it would be weird. Not to mention, I don't want to--I'm kinda into him and don't want to flirt with other guys.

SO, that IS different. No two ways about it--different. Has anyone experienced this? Do you just hang out like normal and leave together (or discreetly separate) when you can't take it anymore and want to get together again or what? We are not BF/GF and I don't want anyone to know about us yet, so I guess we just behave normally and hope no one notices the heat? Gosh, I'm giggling--is this even possible???

DO tell if you've had a similar situation. Thanks.

 
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Old 09-01-2005, 07:46 AM   #2
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Until he tells you he wants to be exclusive, I would just simply go on as before (benefits included, of course). Just be your normal self and let things unfold naturally. What about the other guy?

If I were you and I was really into this new guy, I would play it cool and see how he reacts. Be nice and sweet, but don't be too eager. Just continue on with your normal routine and continue to see him when you are available.

Good luck and hope things work out how you want.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 08:00 AM   #3
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Re: friends that crossed a line

If you are emotionally even a little into a guy, and you continue with the "notion" of friends with benefits, the emotional tie will likely grow as a result of the intimacy, and the potential for great pain grows as well.

This board is a testament to the reality that there are few that do not end up experiencing negative benefits. We are programmed to tie intimacy with emotion, that is just how it works - for most.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 09:39 AM   #4
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Greeneys--

I'm glad you posted, cuz I like what you have to say most of the time. I like your ideas about things--and I think we think alike sometimes. Youasked me about other guy---he is an aquaintance of this young guy thru a mutual friend. He is much older, and we had a steamy yet very emotionally tied relationship that ended in early july.

I told him one time--(it just came up inconversation--not like I just blurted it out) that I thought this new young guy was cute. He didn't like it at all and has always watched me when I am with him. This was one of the first signs I saw of his possessiveness and didn't like it at all.

ANyhow, this new guy knows we are over, but he was asking again about it the other night. I reassured him that it is definitely over, but still he had reservations about him finding out, and said if he did, "He was a dead man." Ridiculous to think that this guy would be so possessive after we are over, but this is how he is I found out. Everyone says he still loves me, how obvious it is, but he's really got some issues I won't deal with--one major one being that he's a liar and our break up hurt me very badly.

I think this is why the young guy feels so good and safe right now. It's not like we are ruining a friendship--we aren't friends that way, just buddies that flirted a little for the last few months. I think I already knew the answer to my post, just wanted some opinions I guess. I am really looking forward to seeing him again next weekend.

Music4all--love your screename. I have thought about exactly what you said, and it worries me for his side, not as much mine--b/c he's young and I have a grown up life that wouldn't really fit his lifestyle. I worry about the whole"desperate Housewives" attatchment thing from the lawn boy to Eva, and I hope that doesn't happen. I can tell that he really likes me, loves hanging out and says I am so different from girls his age--honest, mature, no game crap--just blunt. Well DUH!! That comes with age, and I think he's probably just infatuated and feels like a stud b/c I pay attention to him and really do genuinely like him. He's cool--quiet, funny, and quite worldly when we talked politics, the war in Iraq, etc.. It's not like he's just a roll in the hay--I really do like him. Just don't see it going anywhere b/c of our very different lives.

I will be careful to watch out for his feelings, and mine. I do not want him to get hurt, and I used to not care, and hurt alot of people. Now, I kinda want casual, but I know how bad it feels to really love someone and have it not work out, and I don't want to be someone who does that to someone else. I really think it is just sex for him tho. Maybe it was just this one time thing for him and it won't even happen again--who knows, right? I will be careful of his feelings tho, and if I see it going somewhere for him and not for me--I will cut it short and we can just go back to hanging out.

Thanks for the replies, girls. I'll let ya knwo how it goes--should be fun to explore this a little, and it's always fun to have this little, secret affair if that's all it is.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 09:54 AM   #5
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Yes, please do keep us posted. Sometimes, relationships start out as purely sexual, but can, and oftentimes do, develop into long term relationships. It's just depends on what each person wants and how mature they are.

Good luck!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 01:37 PM   #6
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Re: friends that crossed a line

I said I'd keep ya posted, greeneyes--


Last night, I talked to him for about an hour on the phone. Holy crap!! I actually like him!! He's more freaking mature than my ex, who was my age. Very intelligent, very together, funny. I was like, oh great....I didn't want to really like you!! (didn't say it!!ha ha) I called my best friend last nightafter getting of the phone and said, "Oh ****, I like him!!" We just cracked up.

I know I don't get attached to just any guy, I have had many calling or asking me out over the last few months, and didn't like any of them. So why did it have to be this really young guy? I guess it's good in a way, but so many other ways, BAD. I'll just play it by ear and see what happens. I guess casual can be this too, right? Gosh, I'm so new at this--been in a relationship forever it seems. Like is ok with casual, right?

I mean, if it's just sex, you can like them--really like them as a guy and just have it not get serious, right? I mean, I know I like him, but after really talking to him alot, I was like, OMG!! I cannot believe how great he is. SMart, funny--great conversation, but he is SO young--very mature, I am finding out. This may prove difficult after all, altho now I kinda can't wait to see him. Shoot!!

Explain to me the true meaning of casual--if this is going to work for me. I do not want to get hurt, and thought this was very, very safe. Could I have been wrong and I need to run like hell? I want casual--not a chance of getting hurt. I do not want to care, and I think this might be someone I could really care about,despite the age difference. I know I sound foolish--but indulge me please. Must keep guard up right now, but like him. Help.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 03:25 PM   #7
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Well, if you are like most women, you probably will get attached to this man after you continue to see and sleep with him. It's only inevitable. Why would you not want to care about him? If he cares about you, I don't see why it couldn't turn into something mutually satisfying and grow into something deeper than a casual fling.

However, if he continues to want to keep it casual, and you start getting deeper feelings, you might want to end it so you won't get hurt.

I guess you will just need to wait it out and see how his feelings develop toward you. Good luck!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 03:48 PM   #8
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Yup, guess so. I don't want to care b/c I got slammed, and I mean slammed by the guy b4 this one. Totally let him in, let me guard down, more than I did w/ my H for years. We got our kids involved, and I bought all the "sincere" crap he fed me. "Never going anywhere...you are IT for me... we have all the time in the world...I'm in love with you...you're the only one to ever meet my family, kids...BLA BLA BLA!!!" I never did this b4, not like that--with anyone!!

And then he dumped me cuz he got freaked out. I was a mess, and especially about my kids. Stupid, and never doing that again. I guess you could say I'm gun shy--but on steroids gun shy!! LOL.

I made up my mind wasn't gonna care about someone--consequently--can't hurt me. I know how silly that sounds, and I am not going to invlove my kids again--But I know what everyone says--you have to live life, not all guys are like that..BLA!!

Thought I was safe, and not liking anyone was provong it to me--have a lot of prospects--didn't like anyone. And now, this great guy--we have so much fun--an amazing"click" with him that I wanted to avoid. But somehow--I don't want to avoid him. I like him.

Definition of casual?? I mean, if I don't spend a lot of time with him, and won't b/c of our different lifestyles, then I can like him right? I mean, I guess I wanna know, casual doesn't mean you have to have virtually no feelings, does it? I am confused and just want to make sure I am prepared. Not anywhere close to falling in love or anything--just don't want to get there and go--OMG--he's so young--and now you are hurt again--what were you thinking!!

I just want to keep having fun wiht him. Enjoy his company, enjoy the other thing. Can it ever just stay that way--or does someone inevitably get attached to where they get this hurt, sick feeling I don't ever want to go thru again.

Someone tell me if casual is just an attitude, or if there is a specific, "formula" so to speak. I gues, 'ground rules of casual' is what I am looking for, please.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 03:56 PM   #9
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Laura

When two consenting adults in a friendship decide to take it to a sexual level, things will never be the same. The line between friendship and being a couple has been blurred and forever will confuse the two involved. There is no turning back, there is no way to say that oh wish we could take that back because it has ruined the closeness and the friendship we once had. So, more or less act normally to each other but also know you may have caused irepairable damage to the friendship and sometimes the friendship was stronger than any sex they did have. But thats a risk some choose to takE and unfortunately once those types of feelings get involved in a friendship sometimes it ruins it for good.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 04:00 PM   #10
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Re: friends that crossed a line

We were never good friends. Nothing to worry about there. Just flirty friends of a mutual friend. More like people who met, hit it off, joked around a lot, were attracted, acted on it, now wondering what to do to stay casual when he is such a great guy, and I am SO not ready to be hurt.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 02:02 AM   #11
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Re: friends that crossed a line

Quote:
Originally Posted by laurie864bla
We were never good friends. Nothing to worry about there. Just flirty friends of a mutual friend. More like people who met, hit it off, joked around a lot, were attracted, acted on it, now wondering what to do to stay casual when he is such a great guy, and I am SO not ready to be hurt.
Just because you had a bad experience with your ex-boyfriend does not mean all men dump you. If you are afraid of getting hurt, just take it really slow with this man. Don't see him more than once per week. GEt to know what his true intentions are before you get hooked on him.

I guess if you really think you can keep this relationship on a casual level, then go for it. But, in my experience, once sexual relations are involved, it's very hard not to get emotionally involved, if not impossible.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 02:34 AM   #12
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Hiya HB User
Re: friends that crossed a line

Quote:
Originally Posted by laurie864bla
Someone tell me if casual is just an attitude, or if there is a specific, "formula" so to speak. I gues, 'ground rules of casual' is what I am looking for, please.
I think this is where some people get into trouble. There really are no "ground rules" when it comes to your heart. You can both agree that you will only have sex and have fun, and not get emotionally attached, but that doesn't guarentee your hearts will want to follow such an agreement. It's not always so easy to be so calm and calculated about who you develop feelings for and who you don't, especially when you are sleeping with them.

I think the key is knowing yourself. You can't follow a formula because everyone's heart and everyone's emotions, sentiments and sensibilities are different and there are no set of rules that everyone can or will follow. I think if you're concerned about this young man's feelings, you can tell him right up front that you are not interested in a relationship and be clear with how much of a relationship you want and how much you're willing to give him. If you're wanting to keep it casual because you're just not interested in a relationship now, or you just don't see him as long-term material, or you're too busy with work or other things in life to dedicate time to a serious, steady boyfriend, that's one thing, but to find a guy you really like, and start a physical relationship with him but want to stop yourself from feeling too much because you're scared of getting hurt, that's something else. Again, the key is knowing yourself. Are you the type of person who can sleep with someone who is really fun, sweet and cute, and just enjoy the moment and be ok with walking away, and be ok if he decides to be the first one to walk away? I don't think there's any recipe to follow to make sure you don't feel anything when you don't want to. You either are that kind of person or you aren't. Only you can know that for sure.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 04:34 AM   #13
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Re: friends that crossed a line

I've had a couple FWB and it has always ended badly... It's really inevitable that one of the two gets attached and develops feelings... I think you should be very careful with this one... I know it's fun and fufills needs but it can lead to a very bad ending...

 
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