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Old 09-01-2005, 09:48 AM   #1
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cinting HB User
5 months...now counseling.

Hey guys. Some of you may remember my posts about my ex I had broke up with and now would like to work it out with. I have been so depressed lately and beating myself up for the decisions I made which turned out to be wrong ones and not what I really want.

Yesterday I went to talk to a counselor and it was recommended that I come back for at least 5 more, and maybe medication. According to questionnaires I had to fill out I feel like I am a bad person. The counselor told me that my self-esteem was damaged and we were going to work on that. I feel like I am trying to blame this on my ex, but maybe I was messed up before. Everyone that knows me says that I take all the blame on myself and make his treatment of me seem like it wasn't as bad as what it really was. I don't think I will ever be okay again. All I know is that when I was with him and he was being caring and good to me, that's the place I was the happiest in my whole life.

Last edited by cinting; 09-01-2005 at 09:49 AM.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 11:21 AM   #2
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Re: 5 months...now counseling.

i know someone can tell you this a thousand times and you won't see it....but even if the problems were caused by you you are not!!! i repeat not a bad person... you are a human being. we are all flawed and you will see this in time.
I have gone thru this it does take awhile to come out of (at least for me) .
do not gage your worth by the the love of a man....... I have never met you but I bet you are very much worth knowing.

take care

 
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Old 09-01-2005, 11:51 AM   #3
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cinting HB User
Re: 5 months...now counseling.

Thank you for the kind words. It is so hard for me to look at this from an outside point of view. I only see mine, and I know that I hurt like hell.
My mind goes constantly in circles around this, about what could I have done different, if I would have just hung on a little longer, what would have happened if I would have gave him the chance he wanted at the time? I honestly feel as if my whole world is revolved around this and how I could possibly fix it. The days are just days to me, there's no enjoyment, I walk around in a daze, work about 70 hrs a week, I am just existing.

Last edited by cinting; 09-01-2005 at 11:52 AM.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 12:12 PM   #4
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Hiya HB User
Re: 5 months...now counseling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Thank you for the kind words. It is so hard for me to look at this from an outside point of view. I only see mine, and I know that I hurt like hell.
My mind goes constantly in circles around this, about what could I have done different, if I would have just hung on a little longer, what would have happened if I would have gave him the chance he wanted at the time? I honestly feel as if my whole world is revolved around this and how I could possibly fix it. The days are just days to me, there's no enjoyment, I walk around in a daze, work about 70 hrs a week, I am just existing.

((HUGS))

cinting, hang in there. It breaks my heart to no end to know that someone else out there is feeling the same thing I struggle with every day, but I think you've taken some positive steps, going to counseling and trying to get a fresh perspective and such. Do you absolutely have to work 70 hours a week, or are you just doing it to get your mind off things? I tried this too when my break up first happened. I buried myself in work, and it seemed the harder I worked the more I got behind until I just burned myself out. AS important as it is for you to keep busy right now, it's also EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't work yourself to death in order to try to forget,that could lead to burnout. Be focused and consciencious on the job, but pamper yourself too. Whatever you need to do to feel pampered, comforted and taken care of, do it for yourself. Though, I do recommend a nice brisk walk instead of the comfort butt-extender food!

I'm rooting for you all the way. I really think you can get through this. I know it's so easy to say "well, he's the only one who ever had or will have my heart, he spit on it, so that's it, stick a fork in me, I'm done, I give, uncle." But you have an awful lot of years left to live, and hopefully a lot of love left to give, not to be too corny. Now's the time to hang fast to all the stuff that makes you special and unique. All the things you love and treasure, use this time to fall back in love with yourself. You lost too much of yourself in loving this guy. You need to replenish your self esteem. You may feel like you withered up and blew away when this guy left, but the reality is, you didn't, you're still very much here, and you're here for a reason. Chalk this guy up to lessons learned and go find that reason with gusto. We'll be here cheering you on the whole way.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 03:28 PM   #5
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Re: 5 months...now counseling.

Cinting,

I'm so sorry you are going thru all this. I remember your first thread and your break up story. The last thing you are is a bad person!!!

I know a lot of people are really anti-meds, but depression is really hard to deal with sometimes and once you are down, it is so hard to get back up again. So taking meds is a must once in awhile. (Just be very careful of Welbutrin, please.) They are a good thing and once you are feeling more like your old self and have faced the issues, you can wean off with the help of your doc. We had to do this with my teenaged son, who suffered depression. He took an antidepressant for a year and did therapy too, worked thru what he needed and then both his PCP and his therapist felt he was no longer in need of the med, so we slowly weaned him off. He has not needed anything for 2 years now.

Please take care and I hope counceling helps you to see that you are a great person!!

 
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