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Old 09-01-2005, 11:13 AM   #1
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Green1 HB User
Question emotionally Unavailable?

How could u confront your gf/bf who is emotionally unavailable, without sounding insecure or to needy?

Just this summer I didn't see my girlfriend for almost three months. The only time we got in contact with each other is when I called her, and even then we didn't talk long or she was at work or to busy. I was really hurt by this. Before the summer we were so happy together in school and she told me how she wants to marry me and how she loves me and I the same to her. I just feel like she could have tried harder to see me or call me. I don't want to go through this again and I want her to know my needs in the relationship, plus that situation really questioned my trust with her. What do u guys or gals think?

 
Old 09-01-2005, 12:17 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green1
How could u confront your gf/bf who is emotionally unavailable, without sounding insecure or to needy?

Just this summer I didn't see my girlfriend for almost three months. The only time we got in contact with each other is when I called her, and even then we didn't talk long or she was at work or to busy. I was really hurt by this. Before the summer we were so happy together in school and she told me how she wants to marry me and how she loves me and I the same to her. I just feel like she could have tried harder to see me or call me. I don't want to go through this again and I want her to know my needs in the relationship, plus that situation really questioned my trust with her. What do u guys or gals think?
Well, this is just my meager little 2 cents, but I learned the hard way that when someone is emotionally unavailable, 99 times out of 100 it's because they've decided they really don't want to be with you for the long haul. I was faced with this situation and I chose to stay, talk about it, try to improve, talk about my needs, his needs, compromise, blah blah blah, but in the end, it all added up to him just not loving me. If I ever again find myself in a relationship with a man who has become emotionally unavailable, I plan to to the smart, self-protecting, self -respecting thing and put on my walking shoes and just keep walking.

 
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Old 09-01-2005, 12:47 PM   #3
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

Hiya's right. She doesn't even sound emotionally unavailable--just no longer interested--they are different. So sorry you had to learn this way, Hiya--me too--but we have learned, now haven't we? That's something.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 04:30 PM   #4
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dsleik HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

are you in a long distance relationship or just decided not to plan seeing eacother for 3 months? was it in either of your control? do you know why she would never call you? maybe she really is too busy and not ready for a relationship at the time, or maybe she is just hoping you grow apart so she doesnt look bad breaking up w you. from last summer being happy together to know this means something just isnt right. her feelings have probably changed but she doesnt want to hurt you. i think you need to sit face to face and discuss this so that you can either move on together or alone. good luck

 
Old 09-01-2005, 06:22 PM   #5
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evy38 HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Well, this is just my meager little 2 cents, but I learned the hard way that when someone is emotionally unavailable, 99 times out of 100 it's because they've decided they really don't want to be with you for the long haul. I was faced with this situation and I chose to stay, talk about it, try to improve, talk about my needs, his needs, compromise, blah blah blah, but in the end, it all added up to him just not loving me. If I ever again find myself in a relationship with a man who has become emotionally unavailable, I plan to to the smart, self-protecting, self -respecting thing and put on my walking shoes and just keep walking.
I think Hiya makes a good point, in that when someone starts distancing themselves, you do the exact opposite to what you think and want to do. When they back off, you back off too, even though you instinct is to chase. Chasing is an attraction killer. It smacks of desperation.
If that person is still in love and available, they will notice your absense and move in closer.
If the person is not in love and unavailable, he/she will move on and you'll have an answer to how they feel about you. Either way, you've taken the steps you need to start getting your life and self back.

Last edited by evy38; 09-01-2005 at 06:25 PM.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 06:12 AM   #6
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BLUE EYED LADY HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

I agree with the other posters. When someone really cares about someone else, they will always find time to see them and/or talk to them. It sounds like your girlfriend's feelings have changed and she doesn't want to hurt you so she has not brought it up and instead is distancing herself from you as a means of breaking up. I am sorry.
I would advise you to stop calling her. If she really does still care, she will call you. There is someone out there for you that will put into the relationship just as much as you do. Don't give up!!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:11 AM   #7
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Daphnee HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

I think this problem presents itself with lots of different possibilities when confronted face to face with it. There might be a reason she is doing this and it might not be bad but, it also doesn't look like an over all good thing.

Perhaps her feelings have changed over time and she realized she wasn't in in for the long haul. She could be busy and straightening her life out but excluded you in the process which definately is rude considering she was so into you beore.

People change....things change, thats how we al grow and mature. If you think its worth it to roll with the changes then stick around and see what comes of this relation. If you think she is worth staying with and you can still be strong while she rolls through these cahnges then do it. Otherwise your only other option is to seek out a relationship that provides more stability and honesty. Only you can be the judge of that, no can provide your destiny or answer the questions in your head about this relationship.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:49 AM   #8
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Re: emotionally Unavailable?

I also agree with the other posters that she is probably losing interest, or already has lost interest. The best thing for you to do right now is simply ignore her. Go on about your normal routine and stay as busy as possible. You might even try dating some other women. This will help get your mind off of her.

You might find that when you back off a little, she will suddenly start getting interested in you again. Women, just as much as men, like a challenge and some unpredictability in a man. We simply don't place as much value on something when it is attained so easily.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 01:21 PM   #9
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Green1 HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

Well I finally saw her at school, and things did feel akward from my point of view and I didn't say anything to her at first( I wanted her to come to me). She did make the effort to get my attention first and said she thought I might think that things would change. I'm still debating on rather to tell her how I truly felt over the summer but it seems like things might turn out fine. What do u guys think? U think I should still tell her my needs for my part in the relationship or step back a little, act stand-offish and let her figure it out? Thanks!!

 
Old 09-03-2005, 01:37 AM   #10
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Hiya HB User
Re: emotionally Unavailable?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green1
Well I finally saw her at school, and things did feel akward from my point of view and I didn't say anything to her at first( I wanted her to come to me). She did make the effort to get my attention first and said she thought I might think that things would change. I'm still debating on rather to tell her how I truly felt over the summer but it seems like things might turn out fine. What do u guys think? U think I should still tell her my needs for my part in the relationship or step back a little, act stand-offish and let her figure it out? Thanks!!
Personally, I would never recommend game-playing. Be strong and tough enough to discuss your true feelings clearly and concisely. It's not fair to expect her to read your mind. Since there's no way she can, you're bound to be disappointed unless you lay it on the line and make clear how you're feeling and what you're hoping to be getting out of the relationship. If it were me I'd tell her you still have strong feelings for her, and hope you can continue to build and deepen your relationship, but over the summer you got the impression she was pulling away, and ask her how she honestly feels about where things are going. If she doesn't give you a straight answer, hems and haws, or tells you words that don't jive with how she's actually treating you (for example, saying she wants to spend more time with you, but still not taking your calls and making plans with friends instead of you, etc.) then you may have to consider finding a girl better suited to you.

Last edited by Hiya; 09-03-2005 at 01:38 AM.

 
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