I can't stand that my bf's ex has all of a sudden started calling him again. I guess that it's good that he's open with me that she has been calling instead of hiding it from me so that I'll never know what's going on. I just talked to him and he was saying how he can't stand her and a few choice words that I wouldn't be allowed to write on these boards. But anyway, he said he doesn't need someone like her in his life but it still bugs me so much that she calls. I know there's nothing I can do about it. I just needed to vent.
Everyone's got caller ID. If he doesn't want to talk to her--her shouldn't pick up. SH'ell eventually get the message. I would have a hard time with this also--altho I don't like to consider myself jealous. You don't have to borrow trouble, and X's can be trouble.
Well if he does not want to talk to her, Then he should not have to talk to her. And if he can't tell her that then do you think he would let you tell her???
Seems to me only a wimpy little mama's boy would need his current girlfriend to get his old girlfriend to step off. If he truly thinks she's such a *&*$%!! then the solution is simple. When she calls, a grown man with half a spine tells her "we broke up, we are no longer any of each other's business, I want nothing more to do with you, please dont call again." Then he simply doesn't pick up her calls anymore until she gets the message. IF that doesn't work, then he changes his phone number. If that doesn't work and she finds the new number somehow, then he files a report with the police, and so on. Him griping about how much he hates her, then continuing to accept her calls and talk to her, especially knowing how you don't like it, tells me something's going on. He's either hopelessly weak and ineffective, incapable of wiping his own a$$, or he's lying when he says he no longer has any feelings for her. Remember, hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.
Thanks for everyone's replies. I do consider myself somewhat of a jealous person, although I don't let it be known that I am. I keep all that to myself. I didn't think to say, "Don't answer when she calls" but I know he knows he could easily do that. She's called when she or one of her friends needs to be bailed out of trouble (he is a cop himself) and only started calling recently (they've been broken up since April). He told me the reason he broke up with her is because she's immature, all she does is drink, and she cheated on him so many times.
I certainly would not suggest that I speak to her and ask her to stop calling him. I'm not like that at all and he's not the kind of guy that needs someone to fight his battles for him. I just feel insecure when I know that she's called. It bothers me because I'm always afraid he's going to say, "I'm going back to her." He always tells me I've treated him better than he's been treated before and based on what he's said about her, I can see what he means. I don't know why he answers....he knows she's trouble but he's one of those people that always helps when someone's in trouble. I can't stand this girl haha.
Also, I just wanted to add that I never told him it bothers me. I hate being one of those gf's that gets on him about stuff like that even though I know deep down that I should say something about how I don't like it.
Not everyone has caller id..... i dont. well you have every right to be jealous as long as you trust him. my question is.. how long were they together? and the thing that i dont understand is why he will talk to her but slam her behind her back to you? its like he is reassuring you that you have nothing to worry about..which is good but he should probably tell her the way he thinks about her but in a nicer way!! its also a good thing that he doesnt hide her from you. I can sometimes relate myself to the "ex gf" i was w my bf for 5 yrs and broke up w him only to regret it and try again which failed. we have both since moved on in the past yr. he has a gf of a yr and i have a bf of a yr. i still call my ex and message him and its just because i didnt want things to end bad.. i still want to keep in touch and try and be friends and his new gf totally trusts him and she doesnt mind (although it was awkward meeting her) because he was my first true love and i sometimes miss him but i am totally happy now and me or him would never cheat. so i know what it feels like to be the girl youre talking about and im sure thats all she is thinking too about him. do you know how long they have been broken up? or how long they were together? also, its ok to tell him how you feel about the situation without being controlling.. good luck just thought id offer you some insight that not all ex gf's are meddling b-----es!! xoxox
I did give him a call after I was out with my friend last night. We talked for about an hour about everything. They were together for about 6 months and they've been broken up for 4 months. She cheated and lied to him about everything. I asked why he would bother helping her if she was so disrepsecful to him and he said that's just the kind of person he is. And I know he's like that. He said his whole life, he's been walked over, first by his ex wife and then by girls he's dated. He said that I'm the only one who hasn't done that to him and I said that because I've dealt with being walked all over, I would never treat someone like that. We talked at about 2 am when he was working and I was just tired so I didn't think things were really resolved. He called me this morning at around 7:30. My car was parked out around the side of our building where we get tickets if it's parked during the day so he moved my car for me. Then he came in when I was sleeping and layed down on the bed next to me and just held me. I don't know what he really wants anymore. He seems to think I'll hurt him somehow and I don't know how to show him that I won't. The other thing that he all of a sudden seems to have an issue with is the age difference (he's 38, I'm 26). He doesn't know if he wants to go through the whole family thing again and I don't even want that but he seems to think that I do. Ugh, it's so frustrating.
He's out with his friend right now but he said he'd call me later before he went to work. All I know is I need to learn to open up and communicate how I feel a lot better. I defintely know that not all ex gf's are meddling b----es. I talked to one of my ex's for a while and I know his current gf didn't like it so much but, like you said about your situation, I didn't want things to end on bad terms. I'm not sure why he slams her behind her back. I certainly don't want to hear about any of his ex's like I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about any of mine. I just have a hard time trusting because I've always been cheated on, which he doesn't know about. I just hope if we talk later today, we can work through everything.
glad you got to talk last night.. to tell you the truth your bf seems so honest and caring, but cautious. he got hurt and is helping the girl who hurt him, i give him alot of credit for not hating her... who wouldnt hate her?!? it seems like he is doing his best to reasssure you and do little things for you to help you out too. the best you can do is probably tell him that you also have been cheated on and would never hurt someone like that. your age difference whouldnt matter to him since you are both adults but i would ask him why that suddenly bothers him. his divorce and breakups seem to have left a negative impression on the family aspect. i can see why though. things seem good for you guys right now, so just remind him that that is not one of your priorites at the moment and you just want to take things one day at a time with him by your side. youre right about opening up to him more. dont be afraid to telll him your fears or even your wishes. communication is one key to a healthy relationship! good luck
Thanks again for replying. You hit the nail on the head about him being cautious, but honest and caring. I think he's amazing. About an hour after my last post, he did call when he got home, before he went to bed before work. I went upstairs to see him and we worked through a lot. I feel A LOT better now. He said he wants to be in a relationship but is worried it'll get screwed up somehow and I told him that's exactly the way I feel. I have a lot of trust issues and even though I don't want to compare him to guys from my past, it's hard for me not to. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him either, so I don't know what my problem is. We're going to see a band tomorrow night and it's a fairly long ride up there so I know more of this stuff will come up. For now, things are good again.
Last edited by BostonGirl44; 09-02-2005 at 05:20 PM.
I think you should tell your boyfriend that if he cannot stand calling her then he should say that. I think you should also be careful with the fact that he maybe just saying that...
A good friend of mine went out with this guy. It was all great when his ex started calling. For starters, he couldnt really lie about it since they lived together and she called very often. Secondly, he told her how annoying it was talking to her but then he kept talking to her. It turned out pretty bad since the conversations would last to about an hour.
I will not elaborate on the details but my point is... if he doesnt want to talk to her then he should say that. Whats the point of complaining? I mean, it doesnt mean much if he tells you that he doesnt want to talk to her then he keeps talking to her anyways. He has a choice - he is with you now and he DOES NOT have to talk to her.
Im not saying you should be all up in his grill but i think you should let him know that it bothers you. You should also tell him that if its bothering him (which is what exactly what he told you) then he should talk to his ex and tell her that.
Hope that helps! I give your guy credit, its important that he told you that. i would not be impressed at all if my man hid that from me - the whole... i-didnt-want-you-to-get-upset excuse is just lame (well thats what i would feel.)
Hey I wouldn't worry about your boyfriend being deceitful especially when he tells you that she is calling him. I would imagine the conversations are brief and business like (as the conversations should be) and that he just doesn't have the heart to tell her to stop calling. She should understand and respect the fact that you are now with him and that there will be no chance of the two of them getting back together. He needs to explain this to her no matter the feelings she has for him or being afraid that she might be hurt by those words. Eventually she will get the message to stop calling him, and if she doesn't you have the right to tell her yourself the next time she calls.
Hi Bostongirl Well, I've had a rather negative experience with an ex who started calling the guy I dated recently, so perhaps I'm somewhat biased, but I would tell you to keep your eyes and ears open. The guy I dated also said very negative comments about his ex-gf, how she was nuts and put him through so much drama, and he did tell me when she started calling, but made it sound like she was bothering him. Now I'm not so sure if he wasn't calling her himself also, and at the very least, he obviously was willing to talk to her, which is already a bit of a warning sign. So, in case of your bf, if he claims to dislike her so much, you have to ask yourself why he's still talking to her. How often does she call? Were they together for a long time and when did the relationship end? Stragnely, I noticed that men seem to have a much harder time letting go of a woman who was unstable and put them through the proverbial hell than a woman who was nice and sweet to them. These "crazy," wild, and hated ex-girlfriends are a lot more dangerous than the ones whom he talks nicely about, trust me.
That was exactly my first thought...what if he's saying all this negative stuff about her as a cover-up, to get me to think he doesn't care about her. But the only thing that gets me past that is that him and I were friends for a short time before we began dating and during our friendship phase, he'd say the same negative things about her. Not to make myself sound so much better than her, but she couldn't come close to treating him as well as I have. That's just based on what he says about her. He said in the past week to week and a half, she's called 2 or 3 times. It's just to bail either her or her friends out of trouble. I don't know what is his difficulty in letting this girl live her life and make her mistakes. I think he, immaturely, likes the fact that he can be depended on and it shows what she's missing. I think it's stupid. Sophia, I completely agree about men seeming to have a hard time letting go of the crazy ones, not the ones who treat them the way a person should be treated. It makes no sense! Then again, not much seems to make sense when they should.
hey bostongirl, i still think that you have nothing to worry about other than him being twofaced w her and not telling her what he really says about her to you. that i think you should nicely bring up w him because if he knows what it feels like to get hurt then he will surely understand how you could feel the same way. he probably just doesnt want to be "enemies" w her. am i right, does he get along w almost everyone..guys and girls? i think daphnee is right.. he isnt being deceitful, but more like a confused guy because he doesnt want to hurt either of you even though she hurt him. just keep us posted on things!! xoxox
I completely agree with you. And you're right, he gets along well with so many people...he's extremely friendly and outgoing. I do feel a lot better about the situation. I went with him and his family to see a band last night and his sister (who I've only met once before for a brief time) said that I was just the kind of girl he needed and better for him than any of the other girls he's been with. It makes me feel bad for him that he's been through all this crap from girls that nobody needs to deal with. He deals with anxiety problems and on a really bad day last week took a lot of it out on me and then I didn't add to it when I mentioned his ex. It was when we were working through everything that I told him that I've been hurt a lot in my past relationships and I don't want all of that to get in the way of what him and I have now. I've never dated a guy that's as sensitive as he is so I'm not used to a guy actually caring about my feelings too. This relationship has been so hard for me! But it's worth everything.
aww glad to see youre still positive! yay! alot of times ( from my situations) i think that a relationship can improve 2,000% when you get close to his family. its like a sort of security thing. once he sees you can get along w his family, he can become more trusting, among other things for the better! thats really nice that his sister said that, i think if you only met her once and she said that, then he must be telling her good things about you. its nice to know you care about him through his rough times and understand that his reasonings for negativity sometimes, even though i know its hard!
I noticed that once you get close to the family, it says a lot. Every relationship that I've been in where I was close to the guy's family, it always was a better relationship for the both of us. His family made me feel very comfortable and I liked that they all seemed to get along very well. The only situation I haven't been put in yet is meeting his 2 kids. He's never introduced his daughters to anyone he's dated because before that could ever happen, he'd realize the gf wasn't right for him. I met his younger daughter once when she was visiting him but that was even before him and I became friends. I know what a big and important thing it is for him to know that the girl he's with understands how important his daughters are to him. It's funny because I never wanted to be with a guy who already had kids but he loves them so much and is so good to them that it just makes me fall for him more and more. Anyway, sometimes his negativity really gets to me but because he's sometimes way too sensitive, I don't say anything about it.
the fact that youre soo understanding w not being able to see his daughters yet, and that you fall for him because he loves his daughters so much, says alot about you. i understand his reasonings too, if i had kids i wouldnt want them juggled between my boyfriends...its not fair. your bf is definately taking thigs seriously and thats ok, i think youre doing your best and soon you will meet them!
Not that I've gone through it but I can understand about him being careful not to bring whoever he's dating into his children's lives so soon. He's very cautious about it which is fine with me since it kind of makes me nervous anyway. He told me his ex-wife has a boyfriend that she's been with for a while that the kids really like. Plus, his kids are old enough (11 and 18) that it's not like they don't understand what's going on. Sometimes I feel like I've got myself in over my head with a guy that's divorced with kids and that was hurt in most of his his relationships. But since I can sympathize with most of it, I know better than to treat him like that and I think my actions will show him that.