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Old 09-01-2005, 08:04 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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2tall4u HB User
Dump him? (long)

I'm hoping you all can give me some advice. I have lived with the father of my kids for 10 years. We've known each other 16 years. I used to be wild and party a lot. I finally got tired and wanted to settle down. He was waiting in the wings. We were always good friends, but I didn't feel the spark of romance. I thought he would be a good father, and I was at a point where I wanted some stability. I've never been madly in love with him.

Well, he is a good father, but not much else. For the last 2 1/2 years, I have worked and supported all of us on my salary while he changed careers (journeyman electrician who suddenly wants to be a nurse?). He's been going to school all this time and not working. I didn't mind him not working, as long as he helped around the house and with the kids.

Well, during the last year, I've had two back surgeries, and recently was notified I have been approved for social security disability but won't receive my first check until mid December. My short term disability has run out. From now until December, we have no income. I asked him to go to work a couple of months ago and he said he would, but has not and is in no hurry to even look for a job (he's an LPN). He will graduate in December and test for RN. I just had back surgery 3 weeks ago (anterior and posterior two level lumbar fusion with bone graft). Guess who is doing laundry, dishes, etc while popping pain pills? Luckily the kids started school, so during the day I can rest some. A couple of years ago I suspected him of sleeping with a fellow student, but he still won't admit it. I am torn because he is good with the kids (fun, unlike me who has to be responsible for everyone). Should I dump him or hope that when he graduates in December he will get a job and help out at least financially? I already know that I do not respect him for his lack of initiative. Your input would help. Jeri

Last edited by 2tall4u; 09-01-2005 at 08:06 PM.

 
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Old 09-01-2005, 08:13 PM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: Dump him? (long)

Me personally think he's had a free ride for long enough, sorry but thats my opinion. I would tell him this. "You have until________and if you do not have a job and start supporting us you are going to have to find another place to live" He is going to have to grow up. Your there when he needs you above and beyond the call of duty but you need financial help and he's not doing a dang thing about it. There is no reason he shouldn't be saying "oh my gosh, of course I will work, you have supported me through school and I appreciate that" Only a jerk would cause you stress for no reason. Sounds like you need to relax. I really hope he helps you. I am sorry you are going through this. It's not healthy. I wish you luck.

 
Old 09-01-2005, 10:37 PM   #3
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Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: Dump him? (long)

what makes you think he slept w a student? has he given you reason to not trust him before? i agree he does need a job but it will be hard to get a decent one while he is in school. and there is no reason that you should be doing housework like that with your back.....he definately should have helped out. i think the cheating issue and the job issue needs to seriously be readdressed face to face and in doing so you can move on with your marriage when he has a career to support your family again. good luck

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:28 AM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 190
Daphnee HB User
Re: Dump him? (long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2tall4u
I'm hoping you all can give me some advice. I have lived with the father of my kids for 10 years. We've known each other 16 years. I used to be wild and party a lot. I finally got tired and wanted to settle down. He was waiting in the wings. We were always good friends, but I didn't feel the spark of romance. I thought he would be a good father, and I was at a point where I wanted some stability. I've never been madly in love with him.

Well, he is a good father, but not much else. For the last 2 1/2 years, I have worked and supported all of us on my salary while he changed careers (journeyman electrician who suddenly wants to be a nurse?). He's been going to school all this time and not working. I didn't mind him not working, as long as he helped around the house and with the kids.

Well, during the last year, I've had two back surgeries, and recently was notified I have been approved for social security disability but won't receive my first check until mid December. My short term disability has run out. From now until December, we have no income. I asked him to go to work a couple of months ago and he said he would, but has not and is in no hurry to even look for a job (he's an LPN). He will graduate in December and test for RN. I just had back surgery 3 weeks ago (anterior and posterior two level lumbar fusion with bone graft). Guess who is doing laundry, dishes, etc while popping pain pills? Luckily the kids started school, so during the day I can rest some. A couple of years ago I suspected him of sleeping with a fellow student, but he still won't admit it. I am torn because he is good with the kids (fun, unlike me who has to be responsible for everyone). Should I dump him or hope that when he graduates in December he will get a job and help out at least financially? I already know that I do not respect him for his lack of initiative. Your input would help. Jeri
Hi

I just feel this guy either is plain lazy or just has a lack of amibition when it comes to providing for his family, which is a shame considering you are disabled and doing all the work around the house. He is giving you one excuse after another and having you carry the burden of the responsibility, that he as a father, husband and provider, should be putting in his fair share. I can see why you have lack of respect for him at this point and are getting extremely frustrated by the day wondering what he is going to come up with next regarding this situation.

I feel a household should work together to come up with a solution so that there is no problems with the bills, food, and such. I think both adults should find a job and work when practical and sensible. In this case you are a disabled individual who doesn't even get help with housework .

I think you leaving him is not the solution here since in a few months time he may try to go and get a job. In the mean time its time to have a long and serious talk about what you expect from him, and also tell him you can not, and refuse to carry the burden of this whole thing. If he loves you, he will do everything in his power to do what he has to do. As for you DO NOT do all the housework, make him get up and help even if he isn't doing it right at least he is doing something. Good luck and hope things turn out for the best.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 09:23 AM   #5
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(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 621
evy38 HB User
Re: Dump him? (long)

I like SoulCatchers ultimatium idea. He has gone past career change into the lazy department, big time. You might want to mention that his behavior is killing your feelings for him. I think men need to hear this, straight and simple, in a way they can understand.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 06:14 PM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 23
2tall4u HB User
Re: Dump him? (long)

Thanks everyone for your input. As for me suspecting he slept with a fellow student-he went to an LPN convention and came home with hiccey's (sp?) all over his chest. He refused to give me any details but just kept saying he didn't have sex! There's a lot a person can do besides intercourse that is still considered sex in my book!

I have, over the last several weeks, asked him to do stuff around the house, told him he needed to find a job, etc. Today, I asked him if he put transmission fluid in the car like I asked him to three weeks ago! He said uhh, no. I then asked him what it's going to take to get him motivated to do his part in the family. He said he didn't know and shrugged it off like I'm a moody b***h! He has clinicals this weekend, so I'm going to use that time to make a list of pros and cons. I already know which list will have more! I really don't want to screw up my kids by kicking him out, but I don't want them to see his behavior and think that it's ok either. I'm not the type of person that would keep them away from him and would never talk badly about him in front of them. I would try every way I could to make it as painless as possible for them. I think kicking him out might be the only wake up call he will register! The house we live in is in my name, I make the payments. We don't owe anything on our vehicles, no credit cards. I'm already supporting the whole family myself. If he was not here, we'd actually have more money! I know what I need to do, I just really don't want to hurt my kids.

 
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