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Old 09-02-2005, 03:49 AM   #1
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it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Ive been with my boyfriend for years now - I have lied to him before and we have been trying to fix things and work on the trust. Anyways, I think I have Stds -possibly herpes. I was honest and I told him that its possible that I have herpes. The cause, Im not sure myself. I did not cheat on him and he is my first boyfriend. We both know that he doesnt have it - Im 98% certain that I got it from my mother (since she is the only person I know who has genital herpes) AND I have ALWAYS shared razor blades with her.

anyways, i had a doctor's appointment today. He came with me - then he suddenly decides that he wants to come with me in the doc's room. I wasn't comfortable with the idea at all. I can understand why he wanted to go in with me. Me and him have been having sex and he wanted to ask questions/concerns.

There is many details im skiping here but bottom line - I didnt want him to come in the room with me. For starters, Ive never taken him... in fact ive never taken anyone with me in the doctor's room before. Secondly, my doctor knows that I do not bring people in... anyways i told my bf that maybe that was a bad idea... but he insisted.

I was really uncomfortable... I told him I was gonna go to the bathroom - as soon as he turned away, I BOLDTED TO MY DOC'S ROOM to tell her that my boyfriend was coming in and if that was ok. It sounds really stupid and I dont know why I did it... (now that im thinking about it) but i went in there and said "I usually dont bring people with me, and I know i told you that no one knows about my medical history but I brought my bf and we both have questions"

ANYWAYS - my boyfriend CAUGHT ME go to the doctor's room. Like i said earlier, I told him that maybe he shouldnt go in with me or let me atleast talk to my doctor - he brushed it off and said, the doctor doesnt care if i have company or not since all the doctor cares about is my medical concern. my bf caught me sneak in the doctor's room.

He basically interpreted the situation as...
A) I purposely lied. I said i was going to the bathroom but i sprinted straight to the doctor's room
B) its really suspicious that i did that
C) what did i have to tell the doctor that I could not say in front of him

I expleined to him that I just went in there to tell her that he was coming in with me... but his point was... why do you have to sneak in to tell her that? why couldnt you just tell her in front of my presence. He thinks the reason I went and snuck in the doctor's office is because I did not want her to tell him something. He thinks that I got herpes because i cheated on him and had sex with someone else. He thinks that I told my doctor the truth and because he wants to come and Im trying to warn my doctor not to mention that.

If I put myself in his shoes, yes I can understand why he would think that. It does look bad i guess... since I lied and i I did sneak in - but i just went in there to tell her that Im not alone this time and my bf is coming in with me. My bf sees it as... i went in there because I did not want my doc to tell my bf 'something'. I went in there to make sure she wont slip up or whatever...

I understand his view... and i guess it does look really bad - but im INNOCENT!!!!! i swear!!!! somebody help me!! I do not know how to convince him... and I really do not wanna lose him. My boy friend is a really great guy - i do not know why i felt uncomfortable but thats how i felt and thats what really happened - I do not know how to explain myself to him.

Im in the verge of losing him - this whole thing is serious! since i snuck in the doc's room and he is thinking the WORST POSSIBLE REASON - it has changed our relationship! now he thinks that i probably had sex with someone else. and that probably a much more realistic explanation as of how i acquired herpes (thats if i even have it to begin with)

This man is wonderful and we rarely fight - he is worth fighting for... I just dont know what to say and how to say it... how do i convince this man that im innocent?

could someone help me? does it really look guilty?

 
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Old 09-02-2005, 06:04 AM   #2
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

What makes you think you have a STD? Did your Dr. draw blood levels? If he did not, you need to call the Dr. back and ask them to draw blood to test for herpes. Has your boyfriend been sexually active with someone else before? Does your mother have herpes? If she doesn't and you have never been with anyone else, there is no way that you got a STD unless you got it from your boyfriend! Please call your DR's office and talk to them about any questions you still have. If your boyfriend, has been faithful to you and he truly is concerned about whether you have been faithful, only time and consistency on your part will show him you are telling the truth.
It does bother me that he insisted to go into the room with you. Does he ever try and tell you what to do in other areas?
Good Luck.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 06:28 AM   #3
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

My mother has genital herpes - like i said, i share razor blades with her since... well as long as i can remember! my boyfriend and i have been faithful with each other - thats a fact.. will not elaborate on details since the list is long.

and no... i do not know if i have stds - its a possibility. everytime i go to the doctor, she says the same thing - there is nothing there. my vagina gets irriated after sex - i get this burning sensation. it hurts and it stings but it gets better the following day. anways, ive been quite paranoid about the whole thing so i decided to go see the doctor.

My boyfriend and i have had unprotected sex (i use the pill) my bf thinks that the chances of me acquiring genital herpes from my mother is slim since both of us have been faithful. it was only a concern yesterday when i thought i saw a pin head sized blister. i was stressed and he started to worry. although the chances of acquiring herpes or any form of stds are slim - its still a possibility

he wanted to go to the doctor's office for understandable reasons - we have been having sex since we both thort the chances of having them are slim and since im not having prominent symptoms. his health is at stake and you cant blame him for not being concerned. He wanted to come in with me and ask a few questions about herpes. Qs such as chances of having them, what my symptoms mean... etc. I dont mind that at all... what bothered me or what made me feel uncomfortable is the fact that HE WANTED TO BE PRESENT FOR THE PELVIC EXAM - yes i know - its nothing he hasnt seen before. he has seen my vagina. and he has looked at it when i have expressed concerns. i dont mind my doctor inspecting it...however for some reason... I MIND THAT HE IS WATCHING THE WHOLE THING. i feel uncomfortable with the fact that he is watching her inspect me - i dont know why i feel that way. there is no rational explanation - i just feel that way.

he didnt seem to get it. the fact that i felt uncomfortable and the fact that i was caught off guard - i just felt like i should talk to her. im not sure the relevance... but i felt like it was important to me that i tell my doctor that my bf wanted to come in, that he wanted to be there for the gyne check and that im a bit uncomfotable with that. she was quite surprised that he wanted to be there for the gyne check. look, i dont know why i talked to her - i dont know if i spoke to her because i felt uncomfortable, because i wanted her opinion or maybe partly because of courtesy.

but no... my bf is not obsessed or possessive - he just wanted to be there because he wanted to ask her a few questions - i dont blame him... i mean, like i said we had sex so he would like to know if he is at risk.

my problem is that... the situation looks bad but...well im innocent!!!

thanks for your repsonse - i really need it.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 06:38 AM   #4
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

IF your boyfriend wanted to ask the Dr. questions, that is perfectly understandable, however, I do not think he should have been there during the examination- especially since you felt uncomfortable. I think most women feel awkward to begin with having their legs spread open and having the procedure done. I wouldn't even want my husband present during my exam and I have been married to him for 19 years!! I think the Dr. should have asked him to step out of the room during the exam and then told him she would be happy to answer his questions afterwards. Personally, I think it was very unprofessional on the physician's part as well to allow him to be looking.
So, what did the Dr. say??????? Did she do the blood tests?? I hope you are no longer using your mother's razor!!
Good Luck.

Last edited by BLUE EYED LADY; 09-02-2005 at 06:40 AM.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 06:47 AM   #5
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Hi I really don't blame you for your discomfort in having your BF in the room while you have a pelvic exam I have been married for 18 years and have to say that I would also feel uncomfortable having my husband there....it's just one of those places you don't want any man to go!!! I wonder how he would feel having you next to him when he was having a cystocopy done in which they put a scope into his penis to have a look at his bladder???

I think your BF should have had a little more sensitivity and asked to meet with the doctor after your exam.....even in the room after your legs were out of the stirrups!!! But then some guys just don't think

Also....I agree with Blue....you need to reassure yourself & your BF that you do not have an STD. You should have an entire STD checkup the both of you including blood tests. You do realize that the pill does not protect against STD's and the only way that you will alleviate your fears as well as your BF's is to be tested. I would talk to your BF and suggest that the two of you do this together....and after that make sure that you use condoms in order to prevent STD's.....if he cheats or has had past sexual relations visa versa you automatically put each other at risk.

And BTW....I doubt very much if you got herpes from sharing a razor blade with your mom. And many women are sore after sex for a day or two. So go get tested so you can at least put your worries to rest. ~ Goody

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:00 AM   #6
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Goodness... let me finish...

He caught me go in there. well he found out I lied and I snuck in... he assumed the worst - thinking that perhaps i told my doctor that he was coming in and to spare him a few details about my sex life. He left... He didnt even say goodbye, he didnt say.. what are you doing in here? As soon as he realized what happened - he left without a word. I called him but he ignored my calls...he turned his phone off eventually.

So he never actually spoke to the doctor and he never saw the exam done. I tried talking to him today and he was mad. (since i lied to him before and we are workin our trust) the lying and the sneaking just made matters worse. He told me he doesnt want to be with me since he cant trust me. He basically said its over... I couldnt explain myself. All i could say was..."Im sorry I didnt do anything wrong! I just told her you were coming in!!!" I couldnt explain any further! my mind was so blank... i was emotionally messed up... and explaining what happened was the least of my worries since he barely looked at me!

He really assumed the worse since his health is at stake... just wanted to clear that up... thanks ladies~ im a bit composed now...i was seriously a bluberring mess earlier!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:11 AM   #7
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

I'm sorry we didn't hear you out.....I didn't realize that he never finished hearing the doctor's opinion or anything.

I guess with broken trust this situation only worstens things....it would have been better perhaps to have him sit in a corner of the room if the trust issue were so significant. And for you to explain this to your doctor in front of him where he would find no reason to distrust you. But since this has already happened all you can do is reassure your BF that you understand how it may appear to be something evasive on your part and that a pevic exam is embaressing for most women and that you would like another chance to earn his trust. The suggest that you make an appointment with another doctor in which you both can ask whatever questions you may have. That may be a start....do you think he may come around if you were to do so?? ~ Goody

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:19 AM   #8
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

I really dont know... last time I spoke to him... he said it was over and i have never... heard him say that to me.

He just said that he cannot trust me. the sneaking and the fact that I lied about going to the bathroom really got him. I was a blubbering mess earlier so i could barely state a comprehensible sentence. He said... If im lying over small things - then why wouldnt i lie about something bigger... for instance having sex with another guy.

Like i said, i lied before (it was pretty serious) but we got over it and he gave me a chance. trust is really high on his list and he basically does not want to be involved with someone who doesnt value that. I get his point completely, but then i didnt really know what to do. i was uncomfortable and i wanted to quickly tell my doctor - if he was there with me... i mean, how do i say that without making the three of us feel awkward? i mean what do i say "hey doc, this is my bf... he has a few qs and he wants to watch the pelvic exam - im feeling a bit uncomfortable about... what should we do?"

i mean... there was no way i could express my feelings (with him present in front of the doctor) without him feeling awkward.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:26 AM   #9
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

To be honest, it sounds like you're better off without this guy. He doesn't seem to trust you even before this whole thing at the ob-gyn office, and that's one of the most important, essential components in a healthy, happy relationship. He also seems a bit possessive and controlling...I don't know, I don't like the sound of it. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't trust and love me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt in the situation you described, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd be so insistent about being present during every moment of my exam either. That's private, and it's pretty insulting and demeaning of him not to respect your desire to have a one on one visit with your gynecologist. I almost wonder if he's acting so weird because he's cheating...sometimes this makes guys really suspicious and distrustful of their girlfriends. Either way, I wouldn't chase after him...no one should ever have to sacrifice their dignity and self-respect by begging someone to take them back who had no good reason for leaving them in the first place. The truth is, if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have given you the chance to explain and believed you, or at least have talked it out when he calmed down. No man who truly loves a woman would tell her it's over...think about it, would you ever break up with a man you genuinely wanted to be with and were in love with? No, you'd give him the benefit of the doubt if something like this happened and do everything in your power to work things out because you didn't want to lose him. I say let him go--it really sounds like he was just looking for an excuse to dump you.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:37 AM   #10
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Thanks eagles,

I get your point and i was thinking that too... but then - I did somethin really really bad last time. I mean i was really distrustful last time. There was seriously no excuse for my actions and even though i was caught bare, i kept insisting and i still kept on lying. So when i put myself in his position, can i honestly blame him for thinking that?

He also said that my reaction to him coming in the doc's office was just extreme. He said i nearly shi* my self when he said he wanted to come in. then i insist on him not coming in with me. then i lie about the bathroom and sprint for her door.

I agree - ive humiliated myself enough. he made it clear that there is no point being with me anymore. I even asked him if he regretted being with me.. it really hurt like hell... he responded with "i regret that i cant be with you anymore" - hows that to crush a gal's heart?!!

i feel depressed...im worried that if i explain everything to him - he would interpret it as i had enough time to rethink the whole thing and make excuses for my actions - darn! there is no winning to this thing!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 07:44 AM   #11
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
To be honest, it sounds like you're better off without this guy. He doesn't seem to trust you even before this whole thing at the ob-gyn office, and that's one of the most important, essential components in a healthy, happy relationship. He also seems a bit possessive and controlling...I don't know, I don't like the sound of it. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't trust and love me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt in the situation you described, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd be so insistent about being present during every moment of my exam either. That's private, and it's pretty insulting and demeaning of him not to respect your desire to have a one on one visit with your gynecologist. I almost wonder if he's acting so weird because he's cheating...sometimes this makes guys really suspicious and distrustful of their girlfriends. Either way, I wouldn't chase after him...no one should ever have to sacrifice their dignity and self-respect by begging someone to take them back who had no good reason for leaving them in the first place. The truth is, if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have given you the chance to explain and believed you, or at least have talked it out when he calmed down. No man who truly loves a woman would tell her it's over...think about it, would you ever break up with a man you genuinely wanted to be with and were in love with? No, you'd give him the benefit of the doubt if something like this happened and do everything in your power to work things out because you didn't want to lose him. I say let him go--it really sounds like he was just looking for an excuse to dump you.
I agree with everything here. This guy sounds horrible and appaling. First of all, there is NO WAY in hell any gyn would allow him to be present during the pelvic exam. NO WAY. He is not family and he is not married to you. I don't think they would even allow a family member or a husband, to be honest, but especially NOT a boyfriend. If you doubt that, you can ask your doctor. They would only allow a FEMALE nurse during the examination if the doctor was male. So, as you see, it wouldn't have been possible for your bf to be present there anyway. Secondly, WHO in their right mind would make such a request??? If he cannot see why it would make you feel extremely uncomfortable, then I guess he is an insensitive jerk and you don't need him. He could have asked all the questions he wanted to after the exam. Also, he must not be too intelligent because if he were, he would realize that if you really wanted to hide something from him and warn your doctor not to disclose something, you could have done it EASILY over the phone, prior to your visit.

Another thing is that you are most likely putting yourself through this stress and agony for no reason whatsoever, because it's very likely you don't have herpes. It doesn't survive on inanimate objects like razor blades, so even if your mother has it, I highly doubt you could have gotten it this way. (Still, it's not a good idea to share razor blades, toothbrushes, and other such personal objects with anyone). Go get a type-specific blood test done; insist on it in fact. Your bf should do the same. I find his behavior highly suspicious. IF it turns out you are positive for herpes type 2, you probably got it from him. Doesn't mean he has cheated necessarily, but he might have gotten it from a previous relationship or encounter. But if he refuses to speak to you altogether and answer your phonecalls, I guess there's not muchc you can do. He doesn't sound like a caring and mature guy, to say the least. Please do the bloodtest asap because you are probably driving yourself crazy for no reason. AND if it turns out that you don't have herpes after the test, I would still NOT want to have anything to do with the bf--I would probably just inform him "The test proved that I don't have it but your behavior showed me your true colors, so good riddance!" I can't believe he can be such a jerk.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:30 AM   #12
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Like i said, i lied before (it was pretty serious) but we got over it and he gave me a chance.

If you don't care to share, what was it that you lied to him about? That may help with understanding why he distrusts you so much?


i mean... there was no way i could express my feelings (with him present in front of the doctor) without him feeling awkward.

He should understand this. I know I would not want anyone going into the exam room with me, never have, probably never will. Does he realize the dread and embarrassment we as women feel to have to strip off our clothes and put our legs in stirrups. I'm not really sure if I understand why he doesn't trust you to the point of wanting to go in with you to talk to your doctor!?

Last edited by cinting; 09-02-2005 at 08:34 AM.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:33 AM   #13
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

Set up an appointment for your BF to be checked out by a Urologist and go in with him for the exam while he has his prostate etc checked. He will understand why you are embarrassed. Stop sharing razors, makeup, washcloths, toothbrushes,food and drink, or anything else with ANYONE! In this day and age of hepatitus, etc. it is just plain foolish to take chances with your health. Germs don't care about morality, how nice the person is, or anything else; they are just "lookin' for a home"! A person can be infected with a disease or be a carrier and not even be aware of it. It can be a child, your minister, or even your doctor! All diseases aren't stds. You can also get TB or hepatitis by "sharing". People lie because they don't want to face the consequences of telling the truth. I have lived a long time and have learned that lies always come back to bite you in the butt. Stop telling lies! You cannot have a trusting relationship with anyone when there are lies between you. Tell the truth and deal with the issues from the beginning, believe me, it will be far less painful in the long run. And do you really want a relationship with someone you have to LIE to? How could you ever feel secure?

Last edited by Changingwoman; 09-02-2005 at 08:35 AM.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:33 AM   #14
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

im just wondering but...
If my boyfriend posted right now and said... my gf and i have been having unprotected sex lately. Although slim, there is still a small possibility that she has STDS and because of this, she decided to set an appointment.

I went with her and I decided to come with her... bla bla bla.. I wanted to ask the doctor a few questions and I wanted to be present for the gyne check.

My gf freaks out and insists that she doesnt think that is a good idea. She tells me she is going to the bathroom but i see her run to the doctor's office. Why would she sneak like that? What is hiding from me?

Im just thinking... if he made a post like that will the ladies say "you are a real pri** for being insensitive and for being so evasive" or will people post and say something like there is something wrong with the picture. will people say that its suspicicous that i lied and snuck in the doctor's room.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 08:43 AM   #15
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Re: it LOOKS BAD... but thats not what happened! what do i do??

yeah well for starters...im not lying. I do not know if i have stds - being the paranoid person that i am... i just assume the worse and the fact that my mother had it and i spent a whole week with her (my parents are divorced so i live with my dad)

anyways i spent a whole week with her.. next thing i knew, i had an awful vaginal yeast infection. i went to the internet and read like crazy! ive never had thrush before... well not this bad! then i read yeast infections are sometimes confused with herpes. then i read some more and found out that it is not impossible to get herpes from sharing things. my mother admitted she had genital herpes AFTER I FREAKED AND CALLED HER about my bizzare symptoms.

anyways in regards to the distrust bit... well im not going to brag or anything but i look good. i mean, im half spanish and i got that brazilian beauty going on. And there were a number of times where men have approached me and i have talked to them. I have chatted with them and all that. of course, i dont run to my boyfriend and tell him that someone came up to me today. usually... he drags it out of me. he really hates it when he has to drag it out. it irritates him how i just cant be straight...

the problem was - i dont like making him jealous or upset

 
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