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Old 09-02-2005, 11:10 AM   #1
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cinting HB User
Dating and sex between breakups?

I know I am probably driving myself crazy with this. Has anyone ever broke up with someone they were dating, dated someone else for a few months, slept with them, and then got back with their ex and it worked out for you? I just don't see why this happening has to a fatality to the relationship if you are not together when this happens.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 12:08 PM   #2
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Hi Cinting,

You really, really need to let this go. Your ex is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive; your life will never be stable or content as long as he is part of it. Dwelling on the past and fixating on your desire to get him back is so unhealthy for you...didn't you mention you were getting counseling? If not, I strongly suggest you do, because there seems to be an unhealthy, almost obsessive quality to your inability to accept that the relationship is over and that you are better off moving on as a single woman. Please remember that if this man was the right partner for you, he never would have left you, he would not hold your past against you, and he would not have treated you as cruelly as he did. Just off the top of my head I can remember you writing that he had read your diary and dumped you because of what you'd done in the past, dumped you because you went to your ex's father's funeral against his wishes, and was furious at you for a long time because he claimed you had stigmatized and shamed him by dating an older man before you met.

Someone who is a healthy, loving partner to you would never be so cruel, judgmental, controlling, and would never treat you with such disdain and disrespect. Honestly, he is I really think his treatment of you qualifies as emotional abuse, and breaking free of that cycle of abuse is extremely difficult and requires a great deal of courage. It's understandable and normal that you are having such a tough time accepting that it is over and letting go, but that doesn't mean you should give in. You need to be strong and resist the temptation to let him back into your life in any capacity, even just in your thoughts, but it seems like his hold on you is strong enough that you may need professional help to break free. You seem to have internalized all the manipulative, controlling thoughts he tried to convince you of, such as he being the only man who would ever love you or make you happy, he being your soulmate that you could never be with because you dared to move on with your life after he dumped you, etc. His unhealthy hold on you has already destroyed one healthy relationship with promising potential along with much of your self-esteem and independence. Please, please go back and read the posts you've made about this situation in the past, along with the responses you've received. Try to look at the relationship objectively and make a list of the mean/negative things he's done or effects he's had on your life and another list of the positives...and please believe us that you will never be happy until you can once and for all cut all emotional ties to him and stand on your own two feet.

Please think about this, painful as it must be to contemplate: If he truly loved you (and if he was capable of healthy, unselfish love), he would never deliberately put you through emotional torment by holding your past against you and convincing you that everything was your fault, that the reason you are alone and can't have him is because you had the gall to date another man after he dumped you for a ridiculous reason. He is mean and selfish and apparently enjoys seeing you miserable and feeling guilty; he has gotten very good at manipulating you into beating yourself up and seems to love every minute of it. You are SOOO much better off without him, but you don't seem to be able to consistently remember that...but please be strong, because the longer you continue to dwell on him, to refuse to accept that he needs to be out of your life forever, and to hold out hope of reconciling with someone who is toxic for you, the more you will prolong the pain of letting go and moving on. You NEED to accept that this is done, stop reliving the past, stop thinking that you ruined everything all by yourself, stop wondering what you could have done differently, because there is nothing you can do to make this man treat you with love and respect. He will never bring you anything but frustration and sadness, as much as your memory of him may have glazed over these parts and emphasized the times when you were happy together. I really hope you can stay strong and be brave enough to let go, for your own sake, because the sooner you do, the sooner you can learn what it truly means to be happy and loved by someone who loves you enough to let you be yourself and free to be happy doing what you want, not someone who needs to control and manipulate and brainwash you in order to make himself feel like a man. You can and will find better, but you HAVE to be strong and let go in order to get there.

 
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Old 09-02-2005, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

EG makes a lot of sense, here, cinting, but I know you just may not be ready to hear it, or at least be ready to do what you need to do to put this behind you. But as I've said in other posts, people say that time heals all wounds, and to some degree, that's true, but there are some wounds that also need to be propery dressed, disinfected and even stitched, or time will only make them fester until gangrene sets in, then it's all over. I do believe in rare cases, there is a point of no return. I know, unfortunatley because I reached it, but you don't have to, and believe me, you don't want to.

EG's right, it does no good at all to keep allowing these thoughts running through your mind about how you lost the only love you'll ever know because you left this guy and saw another guy, like he told you to, and then turned it around on you. You did the best you could with the knowledge, insight, expertise and information you had at the time. If it wasn't good enough for this guy, then it wasn't meant to be. Your ex actually sounds a lot like mine. Nothing was ever good enough because he didn't want it to be. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how you could have hopped on one foot, patted your head and rubbed your stomach while whistling dixie just right so that he wouldn't have left you, or made you leave him. It didn't succeed because he didn't want it to succeed. And it doesn't have to be your fault in order to make sense. It doesn't have to mean that you messed up somehow, or that you were flawed in some way. If you hadn't left him, he would have manufactured some reason to leave you sooner or later, because that's what he wanted.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it really sucks, I know. But continue with your counseling, and don't be afraid to shop around a little if you don't feel like the one you're talking with now is giving you proper help. Take care of yourself.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 02:11 PM   #4
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Yes, it can still work out.
I don't think that's the real reason he can't have a relationship with you again.
Usually when people give excuses such as these, it's just that - an excuse.
What it means is he has his own issues preventing him from reentering the relationship, and rather than deal with or face them, he'd rather cover them up by blaming them on you.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 03:14 PM   #5
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
Yes, it can still work out.
If that can work out, how about this: Two people get married at age 18. First baby arrives at age 19. Second baby arrives at age 20. Wife gets post partum depression and cheats, becomes alcoholic, and is a neglectful and abusive wife/mother. Marriage breaks up when Husband leaves within 3 months of age 22.

During the seperated period, ex wife becomes stripper, has numorous partners, does every drug imaginable, continues alcoholism full bore, gets fat, becomes bartenter, gets beaten with a baseball bat for "undisclosed" reasons, has a 3 year relationship with a convicted child rapist, and becomes a drug dealer.

During the same period the husband stays home, works full time until a trade is learned allowing him to start own business and work part time to be able to be with the kids, doesn't date, doesn't drink, teaches kids everything he knows, doesn't use any real drugs, goes to church, takes care of his widowed mother and two sisters.

After 15 years the husband/wife meet again after absolutely no contact since break up. They are still very attracted to each other. Husband is so desperately lonely that he would marry a spoon if it would treat him decently. So desperately lonely that he would ignore ANYTHING she had done in the past if she swore a vow (which they both know she wouldn't keep) not to do it again.

You think that could work? Is there any chance the wife would have "learned her lesson" by now and be a good wife in any way? Or is it merely the delusions of a heart that lies and never does the right thing?

 
Old 09-03-2005, 04:23 AM   #6
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

I think it's definitely delusional to think either relationship can work out, unless you want to condemn yourself to a life of misery and frustration...listen to Hiya, she's been through this and has gained tremendous and wisdom through her painful experiences.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 09:03 AM   #7
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OokieWonderslug
If that can work out, how about this: Two people get married at age 18. First baby arrives at age 19. Second baby arrives at age 20. Wife gets post partum depression and cheats, becomes alcoholic, and is a neglectful and abusive wife/mother. Marriage breaks up when Husband leaves within 3 months of age 22.

During the seperated period, ex wife becomes stripper, has numorous partners, does every drug imaginable, continues alcoholism full bore, gets fat, becomes bartenter, gets beaten with a baseball bat for "undisclosed" reasons, has a 3 year relationship with a convicted child rapist, and becomes a drug dealer.

During the same period the husband stays home, works full time until a trade is learned allowing him to start own business and work part time to be able to be with the kids, doesn't date, doesn't drink, teaches kids everything he knows, doesn't use any real drugs, goes to church, takes care of his widowed mother and two sisters.

After 15 years the husband/wife meet again after absolutely no contact since break up. They are still very attracted to each other. Husband is so desperately lonely that he would marry a spoon if it would treat him decently. So desperately lonely that he would ignore ANYTHING she had done in the past if she swore a vow (which they both know she wouldn't keep) not to do it again.

You think that could work? Is there any chance the wife would have "learned her lesson" by now and be a good wife in any way? Or is it merely the delusions of a heart that lies and never does the right thing?
First off, just to be clear, I said it COULD work out, not that it WILL work out.
As far as cinting's situation, clearly it is not going to work, because it is clear that he is making excuses to prevent it from working.
That's not going to change until HE decides he wants it to.

So as far as saying can it work - it could, IF BOTH people wanted it to. That was my only point.
May be hard to see in me, but I am a BIG believer in the "power of positive thinking" and I believe anything CAN work, BUT the will for it has to be there.

So as for your situation, I say again, anything can work, but certainly doesn't mean it will.
I see key ingredients within your post that make it look like not so good of an outlook for you:
1. Being with someone because you are so desperately lonely is quite a bad sign. In order for it to work, I believe you have to want it because it is what you want, not because 'it's just there, and you're lonely'.
2. You are willing to listen to her swear to be true, and willing believe what you know to be a lie, just to have someone there.

I am saying, two people could marry, wife could have problems, and go astray. Then 15 yrs later, clean her act, change herself and have her life back on track. If both partners wanted it to work, yes it could.
But I don't see that as the case here. You obviously know she hasn't changed if you know she would never keep her vow not to do it again. And the fact that you are desperately lonely isn't going to get either one of you anywhere.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 06:41 AM   #8
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Thanks for the replies guys! I really do appreciate the advice, and I know that I am probably dwelling on something that I can't do anything about. I talked to him over the weekend. He told me that I needed to put this behind me, that he had put it behind him. I wish there was some way we could put this behind us. I asked him if he realized that he was to blame for the breakup and he had took responsibility for that, why couldn't we work it out because we both want to be with each other and we both love each other. (He told me that he will always love me.) He said he had tried to take responsibilty for what happened when it happened, and I wouldn't stop and let him show me, I acted cheap by doing what I did. Maybe he's right. I knew in my heart that no matter what, I would always love him. He told me when it first happened that 6 months down the road, I would regret it, and it would be too late. He was right.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 08:46 AM   #9
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Thanks for the replies guys! I really do appreciate the advice, and I know that I am probably dwelling on something that I can't do anything about. I talked to him over the weekend. He told me that I needed to put this behind me, that he had put it behind him. I wish there was some way we could put this behind us. I asked him if he realized that he was to blame for the breakup and he had took responsibility for that, why couldn't we work it out because we both want to be with each other and we both love each other. (He told me that he will always love me.) He said he had tried to take responsibilty for what happened when it happened, and I wouldn't stop and let him show me, I acted cheap by doing what I did. Maybe he's right. I knew in my heart that no matter what, I would always love him. He told me when it first happened that 6 months down the road, I would regret it, and it would be too late. He was right.
Cinting, it hurts to see you still beating yourself up about this. He played head games with you from the getgo. Like I said before, if you hadn't broken up with him, he would have concocted some reason to break up with you sooner or later because the relationship coming to an end is what he wanted. How many times have men come to this board with all sorts of relationship problems much more serious than anything that happened with you and your ex, yet your ex cold-heartedly put you out of his heart without even thinking twice or looking back. If his feelings for you had been that strong to begin with, it wouldn't have been so easy for him to "put it behind him." You need to just accept that he wasn't the one for you and do your best to get on with your life without him. I know it's so much easier said than done. I know how hard it is, believe me. But you won't find your happiness looking back, trying to figure out what you did and how you could have done it better. I've been down that road, far down that road, and it doesn't lead anywhere good, please trust me. Now is the time to get involved with your life and get back on track with the business of being the most fabulous you that you can be, and without him. You can do it, I know you can, but you have to keep your eyes forward. Hang in there.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 02:13 PM   #10
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
You can do it, I know you can, but you have to keep your eyes forward. Hang in there.
Oh God, I don't think I can do it. I can't keep my eyes forward, I can't stop replaying, I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so bad. I had a really bad night last night, I don't know what to do. My mom and sister are worried about me, they don't understand me being like I am. According to them, I always had extra self-confidence in myself. Now they see that my self-esteem is destroyed. But I don't remember being like that, I don't know that person, or where she is or how to get her back. I probably shouldn't have went to talk to him because now I have it in my head him telling me that I acted cheap, and I think he's right. I did act cheap. Hiya, thank you so much for always replying to me and always giving support.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 02:58 PM   #11
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Oh God, I don't think I can do it. I can't keep my eyes forward, I can't stop replaying, I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so bad. I had a really bad night last night, I don't know what to do. My mom and sister are worried about me, they don't understand me being like I am. According to them, I always had extra self-confidence in myself. Now they see that my self-esteem is destroyed. But I don't remember being like that, I don't know that person, or where she is or how to get her back. I probably shouldn't have went to talk to him because now I have it in my head him telling me that I acted cheap, and I think he's right. I did act cheap. Hiya, thank you so much for always replying to me and always giving support.
Yes, you can do it, cinting. But you must forgive yourself. You know you're a moral, good person who doesn't go around hopping in and out of bed with just anyone. You were hurting. You were confused. Even if what you did was a mistake, it was just that, a mistake. You didn't act cheap, you acted like someone confused and in pain. If he can't overlook that and forgive you, then that simply wasn't what turned him off of you in the first place. Look at my ex. Telling me he couldn't compromise his values by being with me because I believed women had the right to be in the military or to be firefighters, to work after having children, that living together before marriage was ok if both people were commited and headed toward marriage, becuase I couldn't understand why he threw such a fit at a toothpaste commercial only showing the mother and her kids, no father implying divorce, which was inconceivably awful, because I wanted to use some sort of artificial birth control to plan our family, and he was totally against altering or adding or subtracting to one's body in any way to prevent conception, just the calendar. So he dumps me, and shacks up with a rresh-out-of-court divorcee with three kid and tied tubes. So don't let your ex fool you. He didn't break it off for good because you acted "cheap." That's just the excuse he used because he didn't have the decency or the guts to be honest with you. Don't fall for it.

I know how you feel. the people who knew me before I met my ex say I've changed so much. I've lost my spunk, my spirit, I don't have the zest and confidence I used to have. I don't even remember who that person was that used to be me. I know it's so hard. But you must hang on, you've got to hang in there. You didn't do anything that was so terribly unforgivable that a man who truly, really loved you to start with wouldn't welcome you back with open arms. It hurts like hell to have to admit that my ex never cared for me, never really loved me, and not because I wasn't a good enough person, I just didn't do it for him. It's a knife in my heart, but at least I know that there was nothing I could have done to have made him love me better. I was just me, and I did the best I could at the time. It still hurts so much, but at least I've forgiven myself. You must do at least that much for yourself.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:35 PM   #12
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
According to them, I always had extra self-confidence in myself. Now they see that my self-esteem is destroyed. But I don't remember being like that, I don't know that person, or where she is or how to get her back.
Well, girls, I can certainly share in that feeling with you. I couldn't tell you how much I miss the "old me", but it's like I can't find her anywhere. Maybe I'm looking too hard?
My friend recently told me that she doesn't like the person I am becoming all over him. And my sis, when I stayed with her right after the end went on and on about "I've changed too much all because of him". So much we haven't even spoken since.

I guess that's why we are so stuck. It feels like "well, if I can't have him, can I at least have ME back"???

But cinting, YOU ARE NOT CHEAP, YOU DID NOT ACT CHEAP. I know no one can make you believe that but yourself, but I thought I would tell you anyway.
You two were not together when you slept with another. He has no right to tell you what you can or can't do. You are your own person, and it is your life to live, not his. What were you supposed to do? Sit there in emptiness and wait for him?
Honestly, not meant in a negative way, but these are HIS issues. Please don't make them yours, let HIM work them out. That's his life.
And I'm with Hiya, I believe you can do it, too.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 04:23 PM   #13
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Ok, first of all I'm old enough to be just about everybody's Grandma.
2nd of all I was single in the 70's AND the 80's.

Trust me - you are not cheap or I'd have to put a "For Sale for Free" sticker on me.
You had broken up. Things were over. You moved on. (And for Ookie's benefit, NOT MARRIED!!)
The only difference between you and me is that I knew it was NONE of my ex's business WHAT if ANYthing I did while we were broken up. (Granted, nowadays I'd have to add that you'd need to be sure the STD report was negative) He could have boiled me in oil before I'd share personal information like that. And if it got that far I wouldn't be with him ANYway....

I've been in a toxic relationship. I've been so almost emptied out that I didn't have the strength to break away. But when I regained it - leaving was the best thing I ever did...
I wish the same for you.
Ruth

 
Old 09-07-2005, 04:59 PM   #14
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
Hi Cinting,

You really, really need to let this go. Your ex is controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive; your life will never be stable or content as long as he is part of it. Dwelling on the past and fixating on your desire to get him back is so unhealthy for you...didn't you mention you were getting counseling? If not, I strongly suggest you do, because there seems to be an unhealthy, almost obsessive quality to your inability to accept that the relationship is over and that you are better off moving on as a single woman. Please remember that if this man was the right partner for you, he never would have left you, he would not hold your past against you, and he would not have treated you as cruelly as he did. Just off the top of my head I can remember you writing that he had read your diary and dumped you because of what you'd done in the past, dumped you because you went to your ex's father's funeral against his wishes, and was furious at you for a long time because he claimed you had stigmatized and shamed him by dating an older man before you met.

Someone who is a healthy, loving partner to you would never be so cruel, judgmental, controlling, and would never treat you with such disdain and disrespect. Honestly, he is I really think his treatment of you qualifies as emotional abuse, and breaking free of that cycle of abuse is extremely difficult and requires a great deal of courage. It's understandable and normal that you are having such a tough time accepting that it is over and letting go, but that doesn't mean you should give in. You need to be strong and resist the temptation to let him back into your life in any capacity, even just in your thoughts, but it seems like his hold on you is strong enough that you may need professional help to break free. You seem to have internalized all the manipulative, controlling thoughts he tried to convince you of, such as he being the only man who would ever love you or make you happy, he being your soulmate that you could never be with because you dared to move on with your life after he dumped you, etc. His unhealthy hold on you has already destroyed one healthy relationship with promising potential along with much of your self-esteem and independence. Please, please go back and read the posts you've made about this situation in the past, along with the responses you've received. Try to look at the relationship objectively and make a list of the mean/negative things he's done or effects he's had on your life and another list of the positives...and please believe us that you will never be happy until you can once and for all cut all emotional ties to him and stand on your own two feet.

Please think about this, painful as it must be to contemplate: If he truly loved you (and if he was capable of healthy, unselfish love), he would never deliberately put you through emotional torment by holding your past against you and convincing you that everything was your fault, that the reason you are alone and can't have him is because you had the gall to date another man after he dumped you for a ridiculous reason. He is mean and selfish and apparently enjoys seeing you miserable and feeling guilty; he has gotten very good at manipulating you into beating yourself up and seems to love every minute of it. You are SOOO much better off without him, but you don't seem to be able to consistently remember that...but please be strong, because the longer you continue to dwell on him, to refuse to accept that he needs to be out of your life forever, and to hold out hope of reconciling with someone who is toxic for you, the more you will prolong the pain of letting go and moving on. You NEED to accept that this is done, stop reliving the past, stop thinking that you ruined everything all by yourself, stop wondering what you could have done differently, because there is nothing you can do to make this man treat you with love and respect. He will never bring you anything but frustration and sadness, as much as your memory of him may have glazed over these parts and emphasized the times when you were happy together. I really hope you can stay strong and be brave enough to let go, for your own sake, because the sooner you do, the sooner you can learn what it truly means to be happy and loved by someone who loves you enough to let you be yourself and free to be happy doing what you want, not someone who needs to control and manipulate and brainwash you in order to make himself feel like a man. You can and will find better, but you HAVE to be strong and let go in order to get there.
Hi cinting,
Please reread EGs advice again, a hundred times if necessary, because it is brillant. You have gotten excellent advice from many, but the above sums it up the best. You deserve so much better, but you will never have better, until you believe you deserve better.

 
Old 09-08-2005, 08:28 AM   #15
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Re: Dating and sex between breakups?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
Well, girls, I can certainly share in that feeling with you. I couldn't tell you how much I miss the "old me", but it's like I can't find her anywhere. Maybe I'm looking too hard?
My friend recently told me that she doesn't like the person I am becoming all over him. And my sis, when I stayed with her right after the end went on and on about "I've changed too much all because of him". So much we haven't even spoken since.

I guess that's why we are so stuck. It feels like "well, if I can't have him, can I at least have ME back"???
It's really sad that this happens to anyone, that people actually do things like this to someone and that we let them do it. I know what you mean about maybe you are looking too hard, I feel that way too. But you know, even if I catch a glimpse or something reminds me of the way I used to think or feel, I still don't recognize that person. I heard someone say my name the other day and I didn't comprehend that it was ME. I have most likely drove my friends crazy, they don't know how to help me. Maybe there is no help and I will forever deal with the pain of this. I will never have ME back, what does it matter though, maybe I brought alot of this on myself. My sister says that I have changed and that I really can't see just how bad his treatment of me the entire time we were together was, that all I do is blame myself. I guess she has alot of patience with me, last night she told me she would like to just shake me, but she listens. She says I may need to check myself in somewhere if I don't stop what I am doing to myself....

Last edited by cinting; 09-08-2005 at 08:32 AM.

 
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