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Old 09-02-2005, 12:24 PM   #1
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Skylar333 HB User
Pregnant and paranoid

I am going to try to make this as short as possible as I hate talking about this or my paranoia. I am 19 and in my 6th month of pregnancy. The baby's father and I have been in a relationship for over a year and live in our own apartment. He is 23 and does not seem like every other a'hole out there. However I am a pessimistic person and am not one to trust right away. I have grown up with examples of guys cheating on their wives and girlfriends and I really think all guys are cheaters. I wish to get over this, but with being pregnant, young, and insecure it is difficult. My boyfriend has a female friend that he has been friends with since middle school. She also happens to live with his sister. He and his sister are pretty close and he confides in both his sister and his friend for the most part. My problem is that I am paranoid that he and his female friend have something going on. And when I am in my most insecure states during my awful pregnant mood swings I lash out about this touchy subject and call her every name in the book. He has reassured me over and over that there is nothing going on. She seems easy to me but has her friend with benefits that is always around. When I am in my right mind I really honestly think there is nothing going on. As there would be no chance anyways since the house his friend and sis live in is full of people and children often. BUt I still have my worries. He goes there and drinks every once in awhile with me at home in an emotional mess. I refuse to go over there because I get so upset. Am I being irrational or are these my instincts telling me to listen? Part of my insecurity comes from my dad cheating on my mom and being a womens man...dating tons of women all through my childhood. Any advice would be thankful and sorry it got so long..

 
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Old 09-02-2005, 12:41 PM   #2
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Pregnant and paranoid

It's hard for anyone to know for sure, but I think your current mindset is not at all beneficial for you, your baby, or your relationship. Let's face it, he's going to do what he's going to do. Now if he just befriended a woman and was hanging out with her a lot, that might be cause for concern, but I highly doubt he has any feelings other than platonic ones for a girl friend he's known for so many years. Especially since this girl lives with his sister...I just highly doubt anything shady is going on, considering both of those women know you are pregnant. Even you say that when you stop to consider the situation calmly and rationally, you don't think anything shady is going on. But even if we're wrong, what good is it doing for you to let this drive you crazy and make you into a nervous wreck all the time? It's not going to stop him if he is cheating, and in fact, being constantly under suspicion for something he didn't do could drive him to cheat when he wouldn't have otherwise considered it, just because he figures he might as well be getting some benefits from it if he's presumed guilty anyway. I really think you need to calm down, perhaps with the help of a therapist, because this constant anxiety takes a terrible toll on you physically. Learn to take control of what you have the power to control and let go of your fears about everything else, because what will happen is going to happen no matter how much you worry about it. I'm sure you don't want to be consumed with these worries, so work on letting them go. Your boyfriend loves you, but it must be very hard on him to be constantly questioned and feel like you don't trust him at all...think about how you would react if the sitautions were reversed and he was acting paranoid about a platonic male buddy of yours. Besides, if he cheats, he cheats--your constant fears aren't going to stop it, but they very well might alienate your boyfriend, drive him away, and hopefully not, but potentially drive him right into another woman's arms. So while in most cases, I say that women should trust their intuition, I think in this case your concerns seem pretty irrational and unfounded in that their intensity and frequency doesn't seem warranted by any real circumstances. So for the sake of your new family, please try your hardest to relax and calm down, muster as much love and trust as you possibly can for your man, and act in the best interest of all three of you by backing off and giving your BF the benefit of the doubt. All of his paranoia and anxiety is only driving you crazy and likely also putting a considerable strain on your BF and baby, so I really hope you are able to put your fears to rest and focus all that energy on staying calm, focused, and prepared to be a serene, peaceful, and adoring mom. Good luck with everything and congratulations on your baby!

 
Old 09-02-2005, 01:01 PM   #3
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Skylar333 HB User
Re: Pregnant and paranoid

Thank you for the reply. I am going to seek therapy soon. I think my main issue stems from my dad cheating on my mom and its something I will have to work through.

 
Old 09-02-2005, 02:28 PM   #4
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mrzshorty HB User
Re: Pregnant and paranoid

I too have a friend that is male and I have been friends with since elementary school. Nothing has NEVER happened between us. I don't know if that will help any but friends like that are out there. Plus, I too was a crazed maniac about my boyfriend cheating on me with our neighbor girl and it got better when I wasn't pregnant anymore. Good luck and I think you are OK.
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Old 09-03-2005, 05:12 AM   #5
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Pregnant and paranoid

Hi Skylar!
Your paranoia about being cheated on could certainly be coming from seeing it happen to your mother. If that's the case, counseling can do a lot for you as far as letting go of that resentment you're still carrying around for your father and moving on with your life. I do know what it feels like to be constantly paranoid. In my case, my problem started when I pushed aside the things I needed out of my relationship in order to accomodate the things HE needed. I knew it was wrong from the start, but I did it anyway... and the fear, anxiety, and paranoia just grew and grew until I was seriously mentally unstable. The only way to fix it was to end the relationship.
Take a look back at your own relationship. Is this the case for you? Have you been holding things back that YOU need just to give him things that HE needs? Have you told him it bothers you when he hangs around this girl?
I would say to try counseling first, because it could just be your parents' relationship that's causing this. If things don't improve from there, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship and make sure you two still have all lines of communication open and you can talk to him about your fears. If you don't feel like he's your best friend in the world and you can tell him anything, then the relationship may need work.
Also, I'm going to offer you a point of view you probably haven't yet considered: The girl's. She is close friends with your boyfriend's sister. His sister would probably kill her if she did anything to hurt her brother. If you were her, would you want to tell your best friend that you are interested in her brother and want to break up his relationship (when his girlfriend is pregnant)? Probably not! I'm sure this girl knows her boundaries. I highly doubt she'd be dumb enough to do such a thing.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 06:12 AM   #6
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Kali HB User
Re: Pregnant and paranoid

I've had a friend since highschool who is a male, we're very close, we go hunting, fishing, 4x4ing, camping.... a lot of things. While my husband and I were dating he didn't think anything was wrong with it. BUT, had it have been a problem I would have made extra efforts to make HIM comfortable with the situation. That's part of being in a relationship. It's called compromise.

I don't think it's right of your boyfriend to go to a place you're not comfortable with and leave you at home pregnant and emotional. Just not fair.

I too am pregnant right now and I'm SOOO thankful that my husband understands my somewhat selfish demands are tempororary and usually driven by hormones. Perhaps that comes with age, but, he wouldn't dare leave me at home right now so he could go out drinking. It's not just ME that's pregnant. We BOTH are.

I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain that right now, being that you are emotional, insecure, and needy (which is OK, you're pregnant), that you need him to be there for you. Do this while you're in one of your good states. These conversations are never best started while emotional. Trust me on that one. LOL. Make him aware that he needs to be aware of your feelings a little more, and that sometimes it might seem crazy to him that you're asking him not to go out with a friend, but by doing so he is supporting you.

Having said that, being pregnant isn't an excuse to be a crazy neurotic demanding person. I totally understand where you are coming from, but at the same time, asking him to change his entire life is unfair too.

You guys have to reach a middle ground, but unfortunately only the two of you can come to that.

Good luck, and try, try, try to relax. Stress isn't go for us preggers, it just makes us more crazy. LOL

Erin

Edited to add: I just read my post and I wanted everyone to know that if you weren't pregnant, my advice would probably be different. I've always been the type to have friends of the opposite sex, so I think it's ok for men too as well. As far as their partners, I think a lot of times the cattyness of women make it impossible and the guys suffers. BUT, being pregnant brings about a whole new ball game, and I feel it's important for the man to realize that life is changing for him too, and his responsibility as a father starts in utero as well. This couple is young, so perhaps he doesn't realize what is at stake, but stepping up to the plate as a dad doesn't start at birth. It starts at conception. Leaving your pregnant girl friend at home while he drinks with someone she's not comfortable with is not fair. I just wanted to clarify. Counseling may also be a good idea, but only if BOTH of you go. You're about to become a mother, and you need the help and support of your partner.

Last edited by Kali; 09-03-2005 at 06:28 AM.

 
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