It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-02-2005, 08:21 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Is It Over?

OK, here's the problem...

My girlfriend and I are both 18. We have been together for almost 8 months, and our relationship, for the most part, was great, but right now, things are scary.

This will be long, but I don't think anyone will be able to help unless they know our full history.

We originally met through a friend of mine from camp. I was pursuing a girl I had been going after for, oh, 6 years or so. You know? The hopeless infatuation routine? Yeah. Well, like I said, my friend introduced me to her online and we hit it off right away. We had a lot in common, I saw her picture and thought she was beautiful, and after her and I had gotten to know each other more and we actually met in person, she told me that she liked me.

Since I was pursuing another girl at the time, I wasn't very inclined to see her, so I told her so. She talked to me about it, and eventually, I told her that I'd think about it. Mostly so I could break it to her gently. However, things didn't go like I thought.

The more we talked, the more I realized that I loved talking to her. I could talk to her about anything and she was cool with it. I felt special, wonderful, etc. and realized that she had become special to me too. We were both going to a party later that week, and I decided to surprise her and ask her out. I did, and our relationship took off.

We both felt better than we'd ever had been before. Eventually we grew to love each other. But then, one day, I found out that she had been worrying about something rather silly.

She thought I was gay.

Now, at first, I didn't take this seriously, but months later, it became anything but silly.

There's something I should say about my girlfriend. When she was 9, she lost her father to cancer. Her mother, who's like a best friend to her, went through a lot of mental anguish after she lost her husband and after she got over it, she remarried. The guy she remarried is a cool guy, but he has a short temper and a drinking problem, which has caused a lot of problems in their household. Somewhere along the line, my girlfriend lost a lot too. She went through a lot of crappy relationships, especially one with a guy who she wanted to be with but just didn't feel right with (his name was Jake... we'll talk about him later). She was diagnosed with anxiety and was treated for it and it helped a lot at first. Just a few months before we were dating, however, she changed medication because the stuff she was on was sapping her energy and emotions. However, in case you couldn't tell, the new stuff wasn't helping.

Despite her constant paranoia, our relationship still continued to grow. Entirely by chance (really, we tried to avoid it) we ended up choosing to go to the same college and since we lived an hour and a half apart, it seemed nice to finally be able to spend more time together. Over the Summer, she also decided to change her medication, but her psychiatrist didn't want her to.

Oh, also over the Summer, we had sex. It was the first time for both of us and it felt right for both of us, so we saw it as a good sign and she didn't say a whole lot about being afraid that I was gay after that (she still did though).

Anyway, at college, just the first week in, things got reeeeeally sticky. We were watching a movie and she brought up my gay thing again. This time, however, I finally convinced her. But after that, she thought that maybe the whole reason she was so afraid about me being gay was because she was gay.

Suddenly, everything went crazy. She had a gigantic anxiety attack over her fear of being gay and talked with one of the counselors on campus and they talked about her going back home for the semester. I was sad about it, but I thought it would be best for her to be with her family and without the stress of school so she could finally get her head straight.

She got tests done and they found that she has a condition called hyperthyroidism which basically means her thyroid is throwing off her metabolism and hormones. They also diagnosed her with depression and finally changed her medication.

So now we call and talk every day. We're 6 hours apart now, so we can't see each other, and it's hard for both of us. Especially her.

Now almost all of the time we talk on the phone, she says that she's either afraid that she's going to come out of this gay, that we will grow apart, or that I am just another "Jake". She says that even though there are a lot of differences between the way she feels about me and the way she felt about Jake, she says that, like with him, she has trouble looking at the things I give her. Generally, she's just afraid that we can't make it through this as a couple. That coupled with her new treatments and therapy is causing her to go through a lot of pain.

She has contemplated suicide, she has told me things that she later regrets and says she doesn't mean, and worst of all, I can't see her or hold her and be by her side through it all.

She's afraid that we are doomed, but I think that the only thing threatening our relationship is her fear that it will end. She says she wants to let go of the fear but just can't.

She says she wants more than anything for us to stay together, but she's constantly afraid that she won't be able to.

Even though we both want to be together, are we really doomed to fail? Can we make it through this? Or will her medication and therapy help her get her head straight enough to beat her fears? And why does it hurt for her to look at the things I give her?

Sorry this was so long, but we could use some help from people who might have been there.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-02-2005, 09:42 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: Is It Over?

well i would think her medication would help ease the relationship, but if shes been on it and things are getting to the point youre both confused of it lasting then chances are it wont. the fact that she thought you were gay is kind of odd and now that she doesnt know if she is, is not normal either. i think she needs time alone because she obviously doesnt know who she really is. her family situation may have been the result of this too, so good for you for sticking by her! right now i think things will be more confusing especially w the distance in your case and the doubt of this lasting. i say give her time to figure herself out and then if youre meant to be in the end then you will. theres no reason why you should have to stay w a person who doubts you and you have to worry about her suicidal behaviors..that isnt fair. i know you wanna be there for her but i suggest it as friends for now. good luck

 
Old 09-03-2005, 07:16 AM   #3
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Re: Is It Over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dsleik
well i would think her medication would help ease the relationship, but if shes been on it and things are getting to the point youre both confused of it lasting then chances are it wont. the fact that she thought you were gay is kind of odd and now that she doesnt know if she is, is not normal either. i think she needs time alone because she obviously doesnt know who she really is. her family situation may have been the result of this too, so good for you for sticking by her! right now i think things will be more confusing especially w the distance in your case and the doubt of this lasting. i say give her time to figure herself out and then if youre meant to be in the end then you will. theres no reason why you should have to stay w a person who doubts you and you have to worry about her suicidal behaviors..that isnt fair. i know you wanna be there for her but i suggest it as friends for now. good luck
Thanks for the help. But you see the problem is that she only just barely changed her medication and it will take a while to kick in. Also, she realizes she needs to get her head straight, but she's afraid that when she does, she won't love me anymore. She says she can't bear the thought of living without me and I share that feeling.

Right now, separation or just being friends probably wouldn't be best.

And we both know that it's hard and perhaps a little unfair for her to burden me with her emotional problems, but I know that if I were in her position right now, she would do the same for me.

We both want to come out of this together, but I guess we mostly just need to hear that a lot of the problems seem to be induced by her disorders and not by something either of us did or gave signs of doing at some point in our relationship.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 08:08 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,322
laurie864bla HB User
Re: Is It Over?

I could be very wrong, but from what it sounds like to me, your friend is getting ready to "come out" and having a hard time, as most people do. If this is the case it would explain an awful lot about the ways in which she has been acting. Quite typical actually.

Read up a bit on this, when young people are wrestling with this issue, what they go thru, how they behave. If you find that it sounds right, the only thing you can do, if you love her, is be her friend and support her thru this difficult time. Many people who do not have support, at such a young age--commit suicide.

I don't know either of you, and from only one post--hard to tell if I am on the mark, but it could explain a lot. I had a friend in HS, who acted in very much the same way. Truly loved his GF, but was discovering that he was gay and knew he couldn't have both and it was breaking his heart. When you love someone--that's a whopper of a thing to deal with, and very, very confusing. He tried killing himself a couple of times for feeling so low, feeling dirty, not wanting his life to be this way, and the thought of hurting someone he loved. It's very complex--and hard to except for the person going thru it and the GF/BF that may be involved when they are exploring this issue. This is what it sounds like to me--but again, it's only one post--so I could be way off. Just throwing that out there as a possibility. Good luck to you both.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 10:16 PM   #5
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: Is It Over?

the more i think about it i think laurie is exactly right....she doesnt want to come out and break your heart, and so she accuses you of being the gay one. talk to her openly about this and let her know that no matter what, you respect her and will always be there for her. good luck

 
Old 09-03-2005, 10:23 PM   #6
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Re: Is It Over?

Trust me, we have talked about it, and I honestly don't think she's gay.

She thought she was bi in highschool when she got a crush on a girl, but she was very masculine and whenever she thought of having sex with her, it kind of grossed her out. She felt that since she wasn't attracted to girls in any other way but as close friends, she didn't "swing that way."

However, she has always felt a weird attraction to breasts. Not on anyone specifically, but just breasts in general. I looked into that, and it's apparently not unusual for heterosexual girls to find breasts attractive, so I don't count it very much towards her being gay.

Plus, as I said, we have had sex. She enjoyed it. One time she almost got violent because she wanted to have sex but I wasn't in the mood.

I really don't think she could be gay, I think she's just afraid that she's just going to get hurt again and tries to find ways to pull back from the relationship.

Right now, we're having a pseudo-separation by not talking on the phone as much (only every other day for at most an hour) to see if it helps either of us. I'm not sure how she is, but I miss her terribly.

Thanks for your help so far guys, but I dont think anyone's hit the nail on the head quite yet...

 
Old 09-03-2005, 11:13 PM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: Is It Over?

.........your first post says: "But after that, she thought that maybe the whole reason she was so afraid about me being gay was because she was gay."
which is the reason we came up w too. i hate to tell you, but as a straight girl, i have never had a bisexual thought or attracted to breasts in any way and i dont know anyone who is straight who has. if you are convinced she is not gay, then im positive she is bisexual since she still has sex w you. i beleive she wants to be w you, but her meds are in control of this for right now. hope for the best

 
Old 09-03-2005, 11:16 PM   #8
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Re: Is It Over?

I guess I should have specified that it seems like a crazy fear. I mean, if she were bisexual, I would be fine with it, but she's afraid of being gay because she doesn't want to lose me.

It's really tough. I guess all I can do now is hope for the best. If only she could...

 
Old 09-04-2005, 07:05 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,322
laurie864bla HB User
Re: Is It Over?

Sorry, but two posts now....I'm sure she's gay. I don't think you are listening to your own posts here. Dsleik is correct--I have a very high sex drive and have NEVER had a homosexual urge or liked womens body parts for goodness sake! I think you are in denial, bud. Like I said, this is hard to except for her, you, lots of people involved.

She has tried to tell you, even tried to tell herself. I believe she's afraid of being gay, I believe she's afraid of losing you--still fits where nothing else does.

And what do you mean...."If only she could......"?????? Could what?? Change?? Get her head on straight??


Many, many women have sex with men, even multiple men when they are figuring this out. It's a convincing period.....'I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay...." Hence the violent behavior when you wouldnt have sex with her. Do you think this is easy for her? If she really is looking at this, which I totally believe she is, she's wrestling with lots tougher issues than losing you.

The prospect of never having children, being shunned by family and friends, not feeling 'normal', and changing completely who she thought she was and would be in her life. So, "It's a crazy fear" really fits here. One of the biggest life changing things one can go thru, and must be scary as heck. I know it was for my friend--it almost killed him.

He also was put on major anxiety drugs, antidepressants, used other forms of self medication too, just to stop the struggle and constant fear and self loathing. I sure wish you'd have a talk w/ her, and let her know that if you are the ONLY one in the world that will support her, than you will be it--no matter what. That you are her friend, and you love HER--not the idea of you two together as a couple.

In my opinion, you really, really need to open your eyes to this possibility--for both your sakes.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 07:45 AM   #10
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 3
ducky24 HB User
Re: Is It Over?

Hello,

first of all you will have to excuse me for any mistakes with the English language...

i have a long experience, over 13 years, with people that suffer from depression/ stress and suicide attempts. this does not make me a specialist but i can tell you for sure some things (symptoms) that are common.

1. she says that YOU are gay and in fact she does not know if she is; i.e. she is talking about herself through you. does that make sense? it works like a mirror...she wants to invent/understand more things about herself but she is afraid of the reactions of the people she loves (i.e. you) and that is why she says that it is YOU that is gay and not her.

2. Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that she is taking her medication? such people do whatever tricks you can imagine in order not to take their medication. the fact that she is now diagnosed with hyper hyroidism is totally irrelevant with the depression BUT it changes all the hormones balance which can make her feel depressed/angry/sad/hot/cold.

3. the fact that she has a bad family history does not make it any better either! many people have bad family history but not everyone reacts in the same way....
Depression runs in the family and that is a fact....but apart from that no one should see this as an excuse and develop depression when they face problems...(do you know what i am saying?)

4. the important thing is not about the gay thing....there is always an excuse in order to keep somebody tied up with them. another excuse could be that you are not sympathetic enough (i.e. ''you don't love me anymore...'').

5. some of the Depressed people i know, say whatever they want to say, they hurt you real bad and then they say ''oh, i am sorry, i didn't mean it''.

anyway, i don't have anything against depressed people; they need all the love that you can give them BUT beware because some of them are just going to use you and make you feel guilty for some reason and some of them need all the love that you can give in order to move forward and eventually feel better. if the second scenario happens you have to know that it's not you that they moved forwards but they really wanted to and you just helped them do it quicker.

My opinion is that you should talk to her seriously and say that you will give her 1 year in order to be better, because if she really wants it, she WILL be better and that you will stand by her all the way. if she is not better in a year's time, that means that she does not want to and that you will leave her. that is not blackmailling, it's for her own good...

PS you are very brave that you are still with her.... and good luck.

Last edited by ducky24; 09-04-2005 at 07:48 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:48 AM   #11
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 498
ibeeshell HB User
Re: Is It Over?

What I see here is a boy who wants his girlfriend to quit thinking she may be gay.

You have said in just about every rebuttal post that she had sex with you and LIKED IT! That is the real problem. You don't want to lose your sexual partner, and you certainly don't want to lose her to another woman.

But it isn't about you. It is about this girl's feelings that can't be changed no matter how many times you call her and try to straighten her head out. No tests, no meds, no doctor's will change it if she chooses to explore it. You have certainly done an awful lot of research on facts about young women being gay or bisexual. That research wasn't done for her, it is for you.

Laurie's right, that's why you felt the need to tell her to "calm down". The pressure on this poor young girl is what needs to "calm down" or she will most likely do harm to herself. I can only hope that her Mom will see the writing on the wall soon and stop this. You need to put your selfish needs to the side and let this poor girl figure out what is best for HER right now!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 11:12 AM   #12
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Re: Is It Over?

Of course I don't want to lose her, but I want her to be happy more than that. If I thought she was gay, I wouldn't try to hold on to her. I wouldn't hurt her like that. And you're wrong, the research was done solely for her. She wanted answers (her therapists weren't really helping there) and so I tried to find some for her. That was what I found among other things.

I agree that her pressure needs to calm down, but that pressure is coming from inside her mind.

And her mom has been spending a lot of her time exclusively with her lately and she agrees with me thinking that she's at most bisexual with a heterosexual lean and that she's just very lost. And of course she's lost.

Did any of you who are quick to assume she's just gay and that I'm just in denial even look at me saying that they recently found that she has a syndrome called hyperthyroidism? Do you even know what that is? If not, I'll tell you.

It's where the thyroid (the largest endocrine gland in the body) releases an overexcess of hormones in the body often throwing off a lot of the body and brain's chemistry. Also, this imbalance causes the pituitary gland, which regulates the thyroid, to compensate by practically shutting down. Now if anyone took sex ed, they know what the pituitary gland does, and tell me, is it safe to make a discovery about one's own sexuality when your pituitary gland is practically shut down? I'd think not. Especially when one already explored their sexuality BEFORE showing signs of said disorder.

Now, I understand you are trying to help, but I'd wish you'd put more thought into it before you say "break up with her because she's gay and you're in denial."

I'm not putting pressure on her to come out of this straight, I'm just trying to help her come out of it. Period.

Last edited by ddrussianinja; 09-08-2005 at 03:22 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 11:37 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,322
laurie864bla HB User
Re: Is It Over?

I know it's tough to convey emotion thru just text, but let me assure you, I wasn't ranting, and don't need to calm down. I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation, and can tell you really care about her. It just sounds as tho you wanted advice, and this is my opinion of the situation.

Of course I don't know either of you, but when you ask, you get different opinions. Take from them what you will--it sounds as tho you want to hear one thing, and if it differs--you assume we don't know what we are talking about. I for one, do not even believe in the concept of bi. I'm pretty black and white on this issue and lots of people disaggree with me, and that's ok.

I'm only commenting on that briefly b/c it involves the relationship, but we are treading on thin ice discussing sexuality, so I'll refrain from commenting further.

I think we just see your unwillingness to explore this as a distinct possibility, and I'm confident she gets that same feeling from you and her mother. If this were the case, and she is gay, then she doesn't want to disappoint you, her mom, herself and it's very hard for all of you.

I understand thyriod problems far more than you may realize. We are not to go into occupations or titles here, but trust that I know way more than a lay person does. It doesn't cause you to think you may be attracted to the opposite sex. It may cause you to have no drive, but that's as far as it goes. It would never affect preference, ever.

I would never say break up with her, but I do hear some denial, and I'm sure it's a very hard thing to deal with if you love her. Saying that you will be there for her is great, but she may not feel that you will be totally accepting, and that's not your fault--it just may be the way she feels. Hang in there. These are just people's opinions--nothing more. We could always be wrong, but you could be wrong as well--the fact is you are searching, and with that comes lots of potential scenarios. Take what you want from them and good kuck.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 11:41 AM   #14
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8
ddrussianinja HB User
Re: Is It Over?

I really am trying to explore the possibilities and be sure, so I don't think I'm in any sort of denial.

Last edited by ddrussianinja; 09-08-2005 at 03:29 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 03:08 PM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: Is It Over?

i think Laurie offers excellent advice and not only on this thread. what we are doing here is picking apart what we know from your situation and giving you advice and opinions on what we think. its just advice, you can take it or leave it but i feel that we all feel the same way w this. first, i think you are an unbelievable guy for wanting to go through this with the girl you love, no matter how hard it will be and what the outcome of it will be.... but i think also that youre getting upset because our responses are not what you "want" to hear. for one, i totally respect gay people, however, i would never want to be in a relationship w a guy who is bisexual.... its not healthy. the other thing is, how could you accept someone accusing you of being gay, when obviously youre not?...... the fact that she has brought that up on more than one occasion is i think, degrading. its hard to have a happy relationship when one of you will doubt the other in any way... its just not right. why do you guys think her therapists werent helping her, but looking up things on the internet, is helping her? if her therapists werent helping her, its because she doesnt want them too and is in denial of everything. therapists know much more than any unreputable internet site. as i said, i understand her family situations here, but this girl clearly isnt sure who she is and who she wants to be right now. i dont think having a sexual relationship w her at this point is the right thing. i think she needs someone she can trust and not worry about hurting her, and someone she can open up to. people who love eachother should be able to confide and share their deepest desires and worst fears. i see that she is trying, but i honestly think she is so confused that she needs time for herself to concentrate on what she wants without worrying what everyone else would want her to do.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Endometrial Cells ~Over 40 mariep Menopause 2 05-05-2010 06:19 PM
Soooo tired, hot flashes taking over life.... ThinBones Menopause 6 04-24-2010 07:57 PM
is it over? should it be lifeaftr40 Relationship Health 25 04-23-2010 11:06 AM
Im over it now...but what would you do girls? Piranna65 Relationship Health 20 04-22-2010 08:40 AM
Chronic recurring mono/Titer test is 3000pts over limit... lesliesplanet Chronic Fatigue 0 04-21-2010 06:37 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (999), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (667), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:57 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!