It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-03-2005, 07:19 PM   #1
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Hey Cancer dad

Hope things are well with you, after reading some of these posts they dont seem to be . After my scare with colon cancer turned out to be nothing and then finding out my wife was having an affair its been a werid and wild 4 months.

We are getting a divorce (her choice not mine), but we are seeing eachother alot. We have to get to know eachother again and I hope something works out. But she is still seeing the affair guy once in a while. She jumped right into a mid-life crisis at 37. The bars, the guys everything. And who was there for her thu all of this and still is there, right me!

I hope for you CD that everything is going good. As bad as my life has been lately its no where near what you have to deal with day in and day out.

Your in my thoughts.

Scott

 
Old 09-03-2005, 08:53 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,497
CancerDad HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott:
I am familiar with infidelity... my life story could be a soap opera and almost seems as if it is made up! (and yes, we are both VERY well educated and live in an affluent community)... a wife who almost four years ago was abused by my brother. Started out as a flirtation and friendship. I don't want to get into it, but I wanted to let you know that I can TOTALLY relate... BTW it was a few years before dx at 29-30. So, a little younger, but hurt very much nonetheless.

I have often thought about what has happened with you over the past couple months... I remember our posts. I will write more later, but I wanted you to know that I DO UNDERSTAND, and I do feel for you. There are good things that can come from things like this, IF and ONLY IF BOTH people are ready to do the therapy route, and WORK HARD to recommit. Still seeing him is a problem for you and her, and although YOU want it to work, YOU may be the one getting hurt even more in the long run. Just food for thought. When there is a betrayal such as this, it REALLY is a difficult thing to overcome, but... my wife and I ARE VERY HAPPY, renewed vows and committment a year before knowing about the Cancer and despite the Cancer fight, our committment is strong.

My health fight goes on... Clear for cancer, but problems persist. I am seeing the LAST Expert on Sept 6 before deciding on the permenant colostomy. Thanks for your concern... and we will DEFINITELY be in touch... OK? Hang in there man.

Fondly,
CancerDad

Last edited by CancerDad; 09-03-2005 at 08:57 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-04-2005, 04:08 AM   #3
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

My wife was molested by her father as a kid, I think alot of this comes from that. Our marriage was not so great the last few years, I know that. It was boring and I take alot of the blame for that. I ignored her for years never thinking she would do what she did. I never stoped loving her I just had my head up my own butt.

How long I can continue to be her friend and go out and have fun is anyone guess. Its painfull to love someone and not get it back 100%. She just cant give me all of her right now. This might change with time. I moved back in teh house for a month and 1/2, and over that time we talked ALOT about everything. We became friends again. During this mess we have had 3 fights thats it. 2 were huge other was just me letting off steam.

Hard to watch a woman of 37 years old start acting like she was 16 again. Alot of that is over now but the she still is very selfish. Ill be here for her forever no matter what happens between us. After all of this and I still care for her I dont see myself ever not loving her. I just hope she opens that part of her heart to me again. I do see it once in a while, but not offen.

I do pray for you every day. I hope to god things get better for you.

Scott

 
Old 09-04-2005, 11:33 AM   #4
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 420
Mazrose HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott. I wish you all the best with your wife and you.. Though I kinda agree with CD and that you may be the one to get hurt after all this, tho can understand your side of it too.. You seem to love her very much, and who knows.. once shes gone thru this mid life crisis she may see your love for her and want to be back with you.
Anyway best of luck.
(((Hugs)))

 
Old 09-04-2005, 03:51 PM   #5
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mazrose
Scott. I wish you all the best with your wife and you.. Though I kinda agree with CD and that you may be the one to get hurt after all this, tho can understand your side of it too.. You seem to love her very much, and who knows.. once shes gone thru this mid life crisis she may see your love for her and want to be back with you.
Anyway best of luck.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks alot. I have been hurt about as much as I can at this point. Its funny today I told her we will have to stop seeing eachother. Well that makes her mad and told me to think about it. She is a confused woman right now. I do know one thing that I love spending time and going out with her. She brings out the fun in me now unlike she is used to. And I have no desire to go find a bar scank just to make me feel good. i know who and where my wife has been. I find her Hot as hell now to that helps alot .

I get I cant love you the way you need now, after 20 years there is alot of crap she says she needs to work out. My problem is how in the hell can you even know that you love me or want to be with me when still seeing a married man? She tells me she needs to work on her, well how can you when you see me and him? Funny everytime I get to close to her she says well we are getting a divorce but when she needs my love its fine by her for me to love on her.

I just hope I can either just walk away (dont think that will happen soon) or she wakes the hell up soon. And understand im not the same man I was 4 months ago and she has someone that loves her enough to deal with these last 3 months.

Scott

 
Old 09-05-2005, 01:44 PM   #6
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 420
Mazrose HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott.. I think your wife is just very confused at the present and may just need "time" to work this out.. I believe she does love you (and the affair is just a way for her to try and sort out what she really wants)
Up to you, but hang in there if you can.
Goodluck
Maz

 
Old 09-06-2005, 12:45 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,497
CancerDad HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott:
A wife who was sexually/physically abused in her youth... yeah, been there too! I hope she is/has had therapy for this. My wife STILL has things that come flooding back that are difficult to handle. The mind is a funny thing, it only lets you remember things when you are ready to... especially with sexual abuse. I am CERTAIN this is what is going on with your wife. And you may see some of the things she does as selfish... in reality, it's a defense mechanism she has HAD to develop to survive... hence the word "SURVIVOR" of sexual abuse. Keep that in mind. The heart and the love that she has shown you IS STILL THERE. You do, however, take a big risk of bein hurt yourself... again, been there, man! She NEEDS to work through this stuff... and with this other guy in the picture, she is NOT going to. She's running away, ruining whatever "good" has happened in her life because she does not feel worthy of your love, and is not used to dealing with a "normal" relationship.

Buy a book on survivorship, and get to a marriage counselor with her. There are definitely reasons for her actions, and if you love her as much as you say, there IS STILL HOPE. But she NEEDS to deal with her past for you two to move on to your future... PLEASE go buy a book... I'll get you a title later tonight. Gotta run.

Hang in there man,
CancerDad
__________________
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!

 
Old 09-06-2005, 01:36 PM   #8
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Wow your a smart man CD. I got the call today that the married man cut it off for the last time. He does not want lose his wife and it got close last week. So here I am, going to be there for her again.

CD. its not all her fault, I was a A-hole for alot of our marriage, but I thought I was being a good husband, never went out never cheated. But when I got sick I learned alot about myself and when she left me, for a week I riped myself apart and learned alot of stuff I did not want to know about me. I am not close to the man I was. She knows that, I can only hope she really sees me for who I am now not who I was.

My theripist said that every 10 years you have to deal with the abuse. Well its been about 10 years since she delt with any of this. There is a reason I stay around for this woman. I do love her maybe to much. She thought I was obsest with her, im not. I never drove by the house, check up on her. or anything like that. But love is a werid thing. I have delt with stuff I never thought I would.

She does have her walls. LOL I can see them go up. We went to the beach about a month ago, there was no wall there. I could say I love you and she said it back, I could hold her and hug her without her saying no. Well the next day the wall was up. I drops alot late at night when she feels lonely. Its way up in the moring lol.

She did tell me she was not worth the my tears. She told me she was amazed how I treat her with what she has done. She ask me why? Well I love you I say. She wont go to a counselor yet she is scared of what she will find out, she told me.

We will see what happens now that the other guys is out of the picture. Im affraid she will hop back in bed with the 25 year old guy she saw a few times. I hop she picks me.

Thanks CD your a smart smart man.

Scott

 
Old 09-06-2005, 06:57 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,497
CancerDad HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott:
"Secret Survivors" is a great book for you that may help you understand some things about what she's going through. It deals a lot with incest-- in your wife's case, perfect.

Remember, she's going to continue to put up those walls whenever she sees something good and will do things to try to push you away-- especially the more the memories come flooding back (a specific date, the smell of a flower, a body memory, it could be ANYTHING triggering her now). Maybe she was your daughter's age when her father began abusing her... As you said, she has said she feels she doesn't deserve you. This is her way of building that wall. I'm glad you're treating her well. She needs stability. The more you show her, and the more love you demonstrate, the more she'll push you away and resist, and say hurtful things, do hurtful things. Eventually, walls will crumble, however... like what you experienced.

She'll also try to have you question your motives or your love... the obsessive, stalking thing. Unless you are following her... in which case, you need to back off. You can only provide her so much support and love. SHE NEEDS TO ACCEPT AT LEAST SOME OF IT. Relationships, even with incest survivors are a two way street.

It's too bad she won't see a therapist now. Assure her that her mind wouldn't let her remember a lot of these things if she weren't ready... that a therapist can't tell what she shares. And that no matter what she does to try to screw things up, you still love her, that she's WORTH loving and ATTRACTIVE in your eyes. If staying by her even through her infidelity doesn't convince her, I don't know what will. I'm also glad that you recognize things you need to change in yourself, and that you are working on that. Remember... you CAN'T CHANGE HER. Only SHE can do that.

I wish you the best of luck. It's a tough bumpy ride. I'm not sure about the 10 year thing, but it is a LONG process. Just BE THERE FOR HER, IF you truly love her. You also have a right to be angry that she has committed infidelity-- this assault on your marriage. Know that that's normal too. You can tell her it hurts you, it angers you... that you believe she is trying to ruin something good. But that you love her, and she DESERVES good... you can deal with this in marriage therapy if you can get her to go. But realize that she Doesn't feel deserving, and IS trying to ruin the good in her life.

I wish you the best. Keep in touch,
CancerDad

Last edited by CancerDad; 09-06-2005 at 07:02 PM.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 08:59 PM   #10
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Well the walls come down tonight. I think everything she has done in the last 4 months hit home tonight. Balling her head off about hurting me and being so damn stupid this last 4 months. Knowing she hurt her kids, family, her sister wont even talk to her anymore.

Im heading over there tongiht she does not sound stable at all. My theripist said she would have to crash and crash hard. Well this might be it.

Thanks CD for all your support.

Its not over yet.

Scott

 
Old 09-06-2005, 09:45 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 1,497
CancerDad HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

I wish you luck my friend.
__________________
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!

 
Old 09-07-2005, 06:28 PM   #12
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 14
sandyschaefer HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

CD

God needs you here many more years to help everyone else--you will be a healthy guy...............

SS

 
Old 09-08-2005, 12:51 PM   #13
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Australia
Posts: 420
Mazrose HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott. my 2c worth.
I was also sexually abused at an age of about 12-14 by my cousin. It has taken me until the age of 40 to wake up.. I seen a councellor about it and it all came out. I actually felt guilty for the whole mess. I thought I deserved it.. and that I was at fault. Your wife really needs to see a councellor so she can really get it all out. Its really hard.. Im telling ya now. But now ive accepted it and can get on with my life. For all the years in between I thought that men had the right to sex whenever and whoever they were.. I deserved to be mal treated!! I know what your all thinking, but thats what sexual abuse can do to u.
Give her time, be with her and suggest a councellor, either by herself or with you to start off with.
Goodluck and hugs to you.
U seem like a good man and willing to wait for her. and be there for her.
Maz
((Hugs))

 
Old 09-08-2005, 02:00 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Scott, I am lucky enough to be married to a man who has the patience of a saint. He waits until I want him - and I can overcome the feelings of distaste due to abuse from an alcoholic I lived with years ago.
He doesn't just do it because he loves me - he does it because he is a giving soul who finds that being patient and wonderful is the way he has to be in order to live with himself.
Life is strange - you had such a scare and it led you here. To folks like CancerDad who "coincidentally" has experince with a formerly abused spouse. (Sharing that had to be difficult CDad, thanks) And I have to say that it is healing for someone like me to hear from other guys like you who have compassion and try to understand.
Bless you to pieces!!!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 09-08-2005 at 02:01 PM.

 
Old 09-09-2005, 05:47 AM   #15
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hey Cancer dad

Thanks, but im no saint. My wife put up with alot of crap from me for 19 years. I really hated myself and took alot of that out on her. I let her take care of everything. I did wake up tho, maybe to late. But what kinda of man would I be to know how I treated her and not let her have her breakdown.

The one time in 19 years she has ever really hurt me. Now its been alot of hurt, but I have to stand by her for now. How long I can wait, I dont really know. Talked to her lastnight about how I was feeling. She told me she is trying to get to know me again. Her feelings for the other guy im sure held back her feelings ( if she really has any) for me.

Who knows where this will go. I do know one thing, since the seperation, she has not let me go at all. That gives me hope, even with her feelings for the other guy I was always on her mind.

She is a good woman, smart, works her *** of. Not the best mother in the world but is always there when the kids needs her. I dont want everyone to think she is some bad person. She is not, she is one of the most giving persons I have ever met. But she also has her share of problems that shes afraid of finding out. Thats why she wont see anyone right now.

Tell you what its been a interesting 4 months. I found out alot about me. I always thought I was a hard ***. Well im not!!

Scott

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Prostate Cancer Stage and Treatment Route jawhik Cancer: Prostate 10 12-01-2010 10:16 AM
Oral Cancer markymark49 Cancer: Oral 9 06-12-2010 08:22 AM
Throat cancer, but no risk factors? Karly25 Cancer: Throat 2 04-19-2010 04:28 PM
Effectively preserving curative options - Active Surveillance for Prostate Cancer IADT3since2000 Cancer: Prostate 14 12-15-2009 06:24 AM
Ovarian cancer... cupcake80 Cancer: Cervical & Ovarian 2 06-25-2008 11:21 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:51 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!