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Old 09-03-2005, 08:42 PM   #1
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p1111 HB User
a little issue

i've been with my bf for over a year now & he is wonderful. i absolutely adore him & he makes me incredibly happy...treats me so well. i have absolutely no complaints about our relationship, but i'm a little concerned about our sex life and i'm just looking for some feedback.

before we started dating, i was in a 6 & 1/2 year relationship. i was young & stupid & it took me way too long to realize that we were awful together. he was very mean to me & treated me like dirt, but we had a pretty good sexual relationship...like at a frequency of at least once a day. until i started to see that he was terrible & the thought of sex with him totally turned me off. shortly after that we broke up.

now with my current boyfriend, we have sex, on average, 4 times a month. and its pretty much been like that since we started dating. i know for sure that it has been 4 times a month for the past 6 months with the exception of one month where we were together 7 times. is this normal? i've never had a relationship like this before. we see each other every day...maybe i wont see him like 2 days out of the month. we are always together! i've mentioned to him numerous times that the frequency kind of bothers me. and he recently told me that he doesnt intend to change it because he doesnt want our relationship to be all about sex. well thats fine...i can understand that. i wouldnt want it to be expected all the time & i know 1st hand that over time, doing it multiple times a day gets boring & i wouldnt want that to happen. but i just think this is weird. i dont know if its because of how often my ex & i had sex or not but i think that 4 times a month is just not good. i mean, its only been a year...hows it going to be in another year...2 times a month?

i hate talking to him about this because i dont want to sound like a nag. i know when my ex used to bother me toward the end of our relationship, it made me want to do it less. i felt like i was doing it to shut him up...not because i wanted to. and that made me feel awful! but this is making me feel bad too. am i just being silly here or do you think i have a right to be bothered by this? how often do normal people have sex? any comments would be appreciated...thanks!

 
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Old 09-03-2005, 09:00 PM   #2
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: a little issue

When I was 30 and married for almost ten years, we were both satisfied with only once a week. Would I be correct to assume that you're younger than that? If I was only dating, and in my 20's, I would probably want more. If he's great in every other way though, I'd be OK with it.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 09:13 PM   #3
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: a little issue

When it's new, I think most people go at it like bunnies--at least that's been my experience. Are you intitating physically, or just talking about it? Do you feel like he would turn you down if you did this, or has he?

How much privacy do you have? what has he been like in other relationships? These I think I would have to know b4 making any kind of judgements.

 
Old 09-03-2005, 10:12 PM   #4
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Re: a little issue

thanks for the quick responses guys.

we are both in our upper 20's. i'm trying to be ok with it but i feel like something is wrong. well, at least i am not used to this. i always thought the beginning of a relationship was supposed to be all hot & stuff & i kind of feel like i've missed out on this with him.

i guess privacy is sort of an issue. but what gets to me is when we are totally alone, he rarely initiates anything. we're both very affectionate...always hugging & kissing...but when we're laying in bed watching tv or something, i feel like i'm always trying to start something & he doesnt do anything. last night this happened...we finished a movie & i got on top of him & started kissing him & hes like...oohhhh...i'm so tired. then he said he had a headache. nobody wants to hear that! this happens a lot & it makes me feel so awful. i understand that hes very busy & he works crazy long hours & has to get up real early, but it still makes me feel like crap. i told him all of this & he didnt seem to think it happened all that much. but in my opinion, hes either tired, has a headache or a stomache ache all the time. and i want to believe him, but i'm starting to think that they're all a bunch of lines.

he said that he really only had 1 long term relationship & it was long distance so hes not used to this. i can understand that but i would think its not too hard too adjust to being with your new horny girlfriend on a regular basis. but thats just me.

and what makes this so bad is that every other aspect of our relationship is 100% perfect! i've never felt this way about anyone before. he makes me so happy...aside from this. am i asking for too much? is my sex drive just out of whack? i'm beginning to feel rejected, and i fear that in time, this will put a strain on our relationship.

and i really dont think that its because hes not enjoying it...he definitely is. he raves about it. i'm so confused...

 
Old 09-04-2005, 04:42 AM   #5
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Re: a little issue

why are u asking a bunch a strangers about it? WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM ABOUT IT!!

gosh!! I hate it when my partner don't tell me about their fears and concerns, as if they're afraid to tell me about it. Why can't they be HONEST, OPEN AND SINCERE about it? I don't care about who they've been with or how 'it' used to be- I'M NOT LIKE YOUR EX, AND IT'S UNFAIR TO JUDGE ME THAT WAY!!

so, go talk to him, dang it!!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 05:17 AM   #6
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Music4All HB User
Re: a little issue

Quote:
Originally Posted by p1111
i'm beginning to feel rejected...
If this is how you interpret or internalize it, then yes, your relationship is likely doomed. One can only go so long feeling rejected without acting on that. I am not suggesting he is rejecting you, only that if you "feel" that, your 100% happiness in this relationship will take a turn downward.

He sounds pretty clear and firm in his once a week satisfaction level. He is being very honest and up front with you. You cannot expect him to change, as this is who he is. You will likely ultimately decide if you can accept this without feeling rejected or feel rejected, end up nagging him over it, and spiraling down from there.

This is about you at this point, not him.

Last edited by Music4All; 09-04-2005 at 07:08 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 08:28 AM   #7
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Re: a little issue

knotme - did you even read my posts? i have talked to him about this numerous times! i even had a long talk with him 2 nights ago about this. i'm just looking for other peoples opinions because he doesnt seem to think there is a problem. maybe its just me...i dont know. and i'm not judging him against my ex! i was just supplying a history so you guys could see where i'm coming from. i'm sure that being a member of these boards, you know that posting about something that is bothering you - even if it is to a bunch of strangers - can make you feel a lot better. you really shouldnt be attacking people for their concerns. i'm really worried about this situation & i just want to get it off my chest hear what other people have to say...since i'm not getting anywhere with my bf.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 08:51 AM   #8
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Hiya HB User
Re: a little issue

Quote:
Originally Posted by p1111
knotme - did you even read my posts? i have talked to him about this numerous times! i even had a long talk with him 2 nights ago about this. i'm just looking for other peoples opinions because he doesnt seem to think there is a problem. maybe its just me...i dont know. and i'm not judging him against my ex! i was just supplying a history so you guys could see where i'm coming from. i'm sure that being a member of these boards, you know that posting about something that is bothering you - even if it is to a bunch of strangers - can make you feel a lot better. you really shouldnt be attacking people for their concerns. i'm really worried about this situation & i just want to get it off my chest hear what other people have to say...since i'm not getting anywhere with my bf.
I'm sorry your boyfriend seems so absolutely unwilling to even discuss the issue. He doesn't have a problem because his needs are being met, but he doesn't seem to care very much that yours aren't. But no, I don't think it's you. But really, when a relationship reached a stalemate like this, there are really only two things to do. You can either accept the situation as it is and cling to the good outweighing the bad and try to be happy with what you have, or end it and try to find someone else who is more compatible with what you're looking for in a relationship. It just depends on how important it is to you, and how good everything else in the relationship is and how you wiegh the two against each other. Also, how eager you are to be out there playing the dating game again. Some people have no problem at all finding plenty of other people to go out with, others have a terrible time, so that's something to consider as well.

I wish I had better advice to give you, but when one partner puts his foot down so firmly and absolutely refuses to deal with a need of his partner's that isn't being met or dealt with, there isn't a lot more to do.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 09:27 AM   #9
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: a little issue

P1111-

It's totally ok that you asked the board people for opinions--we are ALL strangers. That's what the board is here for. I would feel rejected. COuldn't help it. And I got that you had discussed this issue at length with him, and still nowhere. Only you will know when you have had enuf. When that time comes, I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:04 AM   #10
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Re: a little issue

I'm sorry that you felt attacked, but please don't think that everyone here views your situation that way. It seems like we're all on the same page about the boards, which aren't intended to replace talking with your partner, just to help you see the situation from a variety of perspectives and hopefully get some useful advice. I've found that a lot of times it's easier to confide in people you don't know about personal stuff than it would be to discuss something like this with friends, family, or anyone else you know. Anyway, please don't feel bad or wrong for posting here, because I know that we're happy to provide suggestions and hopefully give you some valuable insights. To me, you seem like a sweet girlfriend who is trying her best to be understanding but unfortunately aren't being treated with the same flexibility and willingness to compromise that you've showed your BF. I really feel for you because I can definitely understand why you're frustrated, yet not wanting to give up on the entire relationship. I agree with the posters who said this is probably the way it's going to be from now on with him, as he's made it pretty clear in all sorts of different ways that he's perfectly content with the current sexual frequency in your relationship and is quite resistant to your efforts to inspire him to want to be intimate more often. That seems pretty puzzling to me...I have never known a guy to resist a chance at sex with someone he clearly loves and finds attractive (like his GF). I wonder if he's insecure about his performance or questioning his sexuality? Or maybe he just doesn't have much of a sex drive; it's unfortunate and sad, but true for many more people than we think, maybe because those people tend to date less? Anyway, can you be happy with things continuing the way they are? Have you discussed the possibility of him pleasing you in ways besides intercourse when you want sex and he doesn't on a given night? Only you can decide whether this is something that you can work out and be content living with in the long run, but I would strongly caution you to think through such decisions cognisent of the fact that he's highly unlikely to change. And no, you're definitely not being silly or anything to worry about this; it's a legitimate concern and I'd definitely be dissatisfied if I was in your position. Personally, I don't think I'd want to stay with a partner who lacked interest and enthusiasm in frequent sex, but everyone has different priorities, and there is no right or wrong way to deal with such situations. If you are a woman with little desire for an active, busy sex life or just a low libido (or screwed up experiences with sex which have turned you off to it), you could probably be happy in this kind of situation, but it doesn't sound like you are. It seems to me like this might just not be a good match--there are tons of guys out there who would love a girlfriend who wanted to have sex often, and lots of women with little interest in sex who would be happy with a guy who didn't want sex often. Sexually compatibility is very important, but only you and he know whether or not you have enough of it, and whether you can be happy together...I wish you all the best regardless of what you decide to do. Take care and good luck!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:06 AM   #11
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: a little issue

P1111,
I was married for 11 years - got married young (well, in today's standards) and confused love or just plain really caring for someone with being in love. We were each other's first and I remember thinking "this is it?" All the time we were married, I was hardly interested in sex and he was a terrible communicator (and not willing to try anything new) so all those years, I thought I was unfortunately someone who did not enjoy sex. In hindsight and MUCH contemplation, I realize now that it wasn't him, it wasn't me, it was simply that I was not attracted to him. Oh, let me quickly say, that is not what I'm trying to say is the sitch w/your BF - I"m telling you my background to get to my point.

By me not being attracted to him sexually led to a lengthy breakdown and eventual end of our marriage. Not until I met my last BF did I realize I LOVE sex and had never been more turned on or satisfied and I wanted it every day (obviously things, his kids, stress, etc. can get in the way). But my point is I get where you are coming from.

My ex husband wanted it more than me and it caused big problems (although I didn't know how much because he never communicated to me).

And I wanted it all the time yet my BF has cyclical depression so between that and medication, he was not always consistently interested. So even though I knew he wanted me (as in your BF) when we had sex, the times where I initiated and he wasn't interested, it felt awful so I completely understand where you're coming from!

There were a couple of posts here which stated what I would say to you - that you have to determine if the rest of your relationship is enough to overcome this one area where there is not an equal compatibility. Everyone has different sex drives and it has nothing to do with the interest/attraction one has for the other. It's not you and it's not him (barring any unknown issue). It's just the difference in drives.

But the fact that your BF doesn't seem to want to try to work with you would be more of a concern for me than the actual difference in drives. Be careful though, it's one of the things they value very high in how they deem themselves worthy and the more attention you give this, the more anxious he could become. It's such a touchy subject.

I wish you the best of luck!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 06:56 PM   #12
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: a little issue

Personally, I would rather ask a bunch of strangers who don't know who the heck I am, then have to admit things like this to friends!!!LOL

I caution you about getting yourself too involved with someone who does not share your same level of sexual interest. Your life will be miserable!! Unless, of course sex isn't important to you, but you wouldn't be posting if that were the case. There isn't anything you can do to change him, believe me. I have been down that road and used to live in misery!!!

I hate to say it, but it is time to look for a new relationship with a man who will LOVE to LOVE you!!!!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:05 PM   #13
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p1111 HB User
Re: a little issue

thanks for your replies everyone. and also for your support. i feel terrible right now. i have the most fabulous man who treats me like a princess & would do anything for me & i'm letting this get to me so much! why is this so important to me?! we just had a long talk...again. i feel so bad about myself...like i'm being totally selfish. see, we had a perfect day today. and then we had sex tonight, but i didnt quite finish. so i thought that he would do something about that & he didnt. i think one of my major issues with this is the fact that i cant get things done by myself...believe me, i've tried. so i think thats why this 4 times a month business just isnt doing it for me. and when something like what happened tonight happens, i think, ok great...now i'll have to wait another week or 2. so after a perfect day, i got really annoyed & it showed. i really didnt want to have to say anything about the fact that i think he should have done something because then i feel like if he does do something, its not because he wants to but because i complained. well, i talked to him on the phone & we had a looooong talk. i told him everything...about what happened tonight, the frequency issue, etc. and now i think i feel worse. not because of him but because of me. i must be making him feel terrible! i know its important to get things out in the open or theres no possibility for change, but should i really be telling him all of this? i feel so selfish. here i have the most perfect guy & all i do is complain about sex! i'm making him feel like crap! i know a few of you have suggested that i find someone else, but i cant even think of that. this man is the closest to perfection that i have ever had the pleasure to know. he is the person i want to grow old with. i guess what i have to do is see how things go from now on...since we've gone over the problem in great detail tonight. i hope things go well...just wish i didnt have to feel so bad about getting it out there. thanks again for your comments & support. i really appreciate it!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:16 PM   #14
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Re: a little issue

oops. Sorry wrong thread.

Last edited by ibeeshell; 09-04-2005 at 10:22 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 11:08 PM   #15
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Re: a little issue

i would feel rejected too, and that he wasnt attracted to me because thats what i would do if i wasnt attracted to my bf, because i wouldnt want to just come straight out and break up w him if we had an awesome relationship besides the sex......like your relationship. i guess i dont think its really normal to have sex 4x a month, i would get stressed about that too but i have been going without it longer than that because my bf and i have been 8hrs apart for the past yr until college is over in 8 mths. seriously we see eachother once every 3 months besides summer and xmas, and youre right, its hard! i cant imagine livng w someone who never wanted it tho. i just find it weird how some people dont like sex. but i respect your bfs opinion that he doesnt want it to be based on sex, however, i think he could want to a little more. like one poster said, maybe he isnt sure about his performance, or the fact of you getting pregnant maybe?? sexual compatability can strain relationships, so i definately think that if you have tried talking this w him, maybe see a counselor or explain to him that you love him and want to feel close w him on an intimate level too, since all other aspects of a good relationship are there. good luck, and good for you for sticking w him through it.

 
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