It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-04-2005, 09:31 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 255
missTee HB User
Unhappy All the help I can get from both sexes

I'll try to make this as short as possible.I need views from both men and woman. I am 26 and newly married.My hubby and I have 2 kids together. (ages 2 and 8 months) We have been together about 4 years now. The situation is: He works in construction. I work in a hospital. He makes 6 times more money a week then I do. I work per diem (only Sat. and Sun.) for the time being.(unitl both kids are ready for daycare). I grew up having next to no relationship with my mom.She was always busy making sure our house was immaculate. She was constantly telling us to leave her alone. I want very much the opposite for my kids. I pay extra attention to them. We live with my mother because we want to buy our first house and we are trying to save up a down payment. My mother cooks us supper and does the dishes. I HATE cooking and am rather BAD at it. But I do our laundry and most of the time I clean the bathroom towells too. I don't completly neglect our house hold chores (we live in a finnished basement)...they are just not my top priority. Problem is: Hubby is mad at me right now because he thinks I do nothing all day. He says that he has to do his own laundry, which is not true. I do whats in the basket. (He keeps his dirty clothes in his truck most of the time) I don't make him lunch to take to work the next day. He thinks that if I am going to stay home with the kids that I might as well be doing what a house wife should be doing. Where I sort of agree, It makes me angry because I have to take care of all the needs of my children all day long and then have to take care of him. He pays for my car insurance. The car which is under his name was paid off by me (I borrowed money from a bank and am paying that back) He pays for my cell phone. WE don't buy groceries (mom does) He pays for his truck and his bills. We really don't have many expences. We are in credit card debt (or he is) but we haven't made any step in that direction to pay them off. I have no money in my accounts. I don't go anywhere with the kids because I have no money. What ever money he has it goes like lighting to bills and whatever else. (so we are not saving like we are supposed to be) I have no clue about our future. We don't talk about our future at all. He does things out of spite too. He says he will back me up if I decide to be a stay at home mom...but I really don't feel like he really will. He grew up with a single mom who worked three jobs to support her family and never relied on a man to help her. Me; my mom and dad stayed together untill I was 13 and my mom hasn't worked since 18yrs old. My dad was the bread winner...mom was the home maker. Can someone give me any insight on this problem here. I need to hear the truth...even about myself. I think that my hubby should want to take care of his family (me included) He gets mad because I don't make any money....I don't know what he wants from me. Am I wrong to think this way? How does it work in other families? How do the roles of the wife/husband differ from my situation to the outside world? I'm looking to see how other families work I guess. Men Woman...please help me. If I have to change, I need to know.
__________________
missTee

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-04-2005, 10:28 AM   #2
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 190
Daphnee HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

mistee,

I don't know what you mean by wanting to hear the truth about yourself. I think you are doing just fine. What does your husband expect you to be, a superwoman? Give yourself a break Mistee, you have two small children, close in age, and I think that is a 24/7 job by itself. You really need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids. They should be your #1 priority, not whether he is getting his lunch made for the next day.

I grew up in a single family home, and my mom worked a full-time job as well. She was also very immaculate to the point I have allergys because I wasn't exposed to many germs because she was always cleaning. So I can understand that part well.

I don't think you need to change at all, unless it is to be assertive and get HIM involved in more housework. Many working men and women feel they are entitled to do nothing simply because they have a job. That is not so, they need to do their fair share because its the right thing to do.

I also think you two need to be on a budget. There is no reason you can't save back 20 bucks a week to put toward your savings no matter how much he is making. There might be some hidden expenses that are causing you to be left with no money, and it has nothing to do with the bills. But he shouldn't be mad at you at all for making no money. Tell him you will up and leave and see how much money he has after paying child support until they are both 18. That should keep him and quiet and I'll bet you won't be hearing that again.

Anyway I think that you are fine and you are doing the best you can. You two really need to sit down and see where you can make some improvements. When two minds brainstorm together it usually brings to the table a logical and reasonable solution for all involved. Good luck.

Last edited by Daphnee; 09-04-2005 at 10:30 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:48 AM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

YIKES. This man needs to know what the findings recently found. Stay at home mothers IF they got paid would make $145,000.00 a year!!! SO where's your money I say? My husband pulled that number on me one time and I said this...How about if you had a job where there was no start time and no finish. You were told you worked 24/7 with NO lunch breaks, in fact no breaks at all. IF you go to the bathroom you HAVE to take someone with you. You NEVER get paid, no vacations and you will NEVER be told your doing a great job. Would he stay at that job? Uhhh I don't think so. I think he should back up and you should say "ok, I will make your lunches but I want payment for being a stay at home mom. I want an allowance" If you have the kids there's no reason you can not have at the minimum of $20 a week so you can take them to McD's or somewhere. I am a stay at home mom of children who are 5,4,4 and he knows I won't work. I have plenty to deal with here but yet I do it all but work. He puts the money in the account and I do the bills and fix the home and everything else. IF he wants his laundry done then it needs to be where YOU pick it up at. The basket!! I will NOT do my husbands laundry if his socks are inside out or rolled into a ball. If he takes off his scrubs and there is a t-shirt attached to them I won't even pull them apart. He can do that himself. I am not his maid, in fact if I were it would cost extra! You better put your foot down now and set it in stone or your going to be one of those "Controlled" wives. It's nice that you do not have to cook but if your children are taking a nap maybe you could find time to help your mom with something. Or ask if she will watch them while you do something for her and maybe it'll even get you out of the house for some alone time. I have to agree with the other poster......it might be better for you financially if you leave and he pays you child support....lol that'll wake him up. Or you can do this.....Make a list of all the things you do such as.....mother, maid, banker,janitor and put prices on all of them and ask where is my paycheck? Daycare workers get paid to watch kids. I don't know why they think we do nothing. It's the hardest job in the world, in fact they are our world and the future. Your doing fine!

 
Old 09-04-2005, 10:57 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 255
missTee HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

I know you are right. But I can't help but feel like I should be doing more. I don't want to miss a single second of my kids lives. I have virtually no memory of my mother growing up. Just her yelling at us and never having any time to spend wiith us.Whether it was fun, or serious. It was always about how the house looked. I view her parenting as more of a job than it was something she loved to do. I love being a mom. Even the bad parts of it. The crying, temper tantrums...I love being the one that my DD turns to when she is hurt or happy. I take pride in our relationship. I wish my hubby would understand that, that, is one of the most important goals in my life. To have my children love and respect me. Which is why I continue to work. It may not be much, but I am contributing to our finnances. Unlike my mom who never got a job.Even when us kids were full time students.Even when her and my dad got divorced. And even when our house was in foreclosure 20 times while I was in highschool. Not once did she ever make an effort to take responcibility in that sense. So i don't respect her. Thats why I work. And when my kids are old enough I will take my full time position back. Thats MY plan. I thought he was on the same page as me. But from what he has been showing me lately, he isn't. I can't do both. I can't work full time and be a full time mom. Not when I know what the outcome might entail. He on the other hand like I said before, had a mom who worked full time (3 jobs at some points) She always had dinner (so she says) ready. Took them on vacations. Spent literally thousands of dollars on each of them for x-mas'. But, my hubby and his siblings always had babysitters. Caused MANY problems that included legal. They fought like cats and dogs. Beating each other up. They black mailed each other so they could get away with doing bad things. In my house, we were yelled at at all times if we said the word crap.We grew up very differently. I think both our parents did alot of wrong and I want to make sure we don't make the same mistakes. I guess all I need right now is someone I can vent to. I can't talk to my mom about this because she will use whatever I say in some way against me somewhere down the line.And I won't discuss this with his family!!!Thanks for listening. Really.
__________________
missTee

 
Old 09-04-2005, 12:07 PM   #5
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 340
Divation HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

You kinda want the same thing as I do.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 7 months. We're both our first, last, and only relationship and we know we want to marry eachother. So of course, the topic of raising kids a certain way has come up. I told him, point blank, that I will not work whatsoever until the kids can enroll in daycare. I told him that I would then take a part time job, and I will not be working fulltime again until they reach highschool. I was brought up with my mom and my dad both working full-time before I could even crawl, and staying in daycare and aftercare all day until late evening. The aftercare place would actually close, and my sister and me would be the only ones left there waiting outside with an adult until someone came. Then I would see my parents for maybe 2 hours each day because they were too tired to stay up and pay attention to us. Or even cook us a decent dinner. It was horrible. I really have no recollection of my childhood involving my parents whatsoever. Now that I am older, my mom has told me that she really just wasn't a kids person.

Nice.

Anyways, I don't know what to tell you. I would tell him just what you want and how it's going to be. Explain to him again that you went through having someone ignore you and it sucked and you don't want that for your kids.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 12:34 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

At this point I think that you and your family would be better off in an apartment than living with a parent.
Not to mention that there are plenty of ways to buy a house (maybe not the one you want to end up in) for very little down.

There are special stresses involved when a younger couple lives with parents. None of them are helpful - even if there is someone who helps with the kids or cooks your meals. The trade-offs just don't end up worth the "bigger house" or "being financially better off".

You and your husband need to find a way to live as a family on your own.
And while I know there are married couples who separate their money, personally I believe it should go in one pot for many reasons...

 
Old 09-05-2005, 06:56 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 255
missTee HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

Unfortunately living with my mother IS my only option. We have Zero money saved.Live pay check to pay check. My hubby is also leaving for Kosovo (in the military)next summer and living at home would help ME out in the long run. We actually sat down and had a long talk last night about how things have been working out lately. We are both under alot of stress and he appologized for making those comments about me "doing nothing" all day long. Of course I said a few things that I had to appologize for. Its very hard living under my mothers roof. I suppose we let the stress get the better of us.We are doing ok now. We now know how important it is to not lose our cool with each other over stresses caused by my mother. Our relationship means more than that. Thanks for everyones input. It did help.
__________________
missTee

 
Old 09-05-2005, 07:30 PM   #8
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 205
dsleik HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

just wondering why youre living with your mom when you said you had no relationship w her? well i hope its a better relationship now atleast then. youre kids are young i can understand why you want to be at home w them more than work, besides you would probably being paying more for daycare then bringing money home from work... maybe counseling could help this out. good luck

 
Old 09-06-2005, 09:02 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: All the help I can get from both sexes

I don't mean to be insistent, but living with a parent isn't your only option...
You could work a different shift from your husband - my sister & her husband did it for years.
Single mom's do it all the time. Or, the neighborhood may not be the ritz.

But sometimes being adults means that you have to work your own way thru things with pride rather than being "helped".
I think your marriage would be the better for it.

There are other options than living with your mother. Maybe we can all help you think of some of them.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
sexuality question/ story. need help! chillin123 Sexual Health - Men 8 12-20-2007 09:04 AM
communication gone between sexes paranormal2 Relationship Health 12 09-06-2007 04:59 PM
Am I Gay?!?! HELP. Stretched2Far Sexual Health - Teens 15 06-21-2006 06:07 AM
It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help salty Bipolar Disorder 42 02-01-2006 11:45 AM
Please Help! This Pms Is Killing Me! salty Depression 22 01-17-2006 07:48 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (270), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (94), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1162), MSJayhawk (991), Apollo123 (890), Titchou (826), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (742), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:02 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!