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Old 09-04-2005, 03:33 PM   #1
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Mattm4000 HB User
Chronically Single

Hi everyone,

Maybe some of you can give me some suggestions here. I am a 26 year old single male and basically I couldn't get a girlfriend to save my life. I am embarassed to even admit that but its become a reality for me. Just to provide some background information about myself. I am 26, I am of average height and weight. I consider my appearence to be average. I am well-groomed, I try to dress well and I take good physical care of myself. I also live in a major city in the Northeastern United States. Ok,its New York City, you dragged it out of me.lol.

To provide some insight into my past relationships when I was 19 I met a truly wonderful girl that I can safely say that she was the first girl I ever truly loved and cared for. To cut a very long story short we stayed together approximately three years and then one day things started to change and we couldnt get along together anymore and she changed alot and then I eventually found out that she found someone else and it was all over with between us. Needless to say I was heartbroken at the least. Well me and her broke up in May of 2000 which was obviously over 5 years ago at this point and I went through all the emotions and stuff and even though there is a part of me that still cares for her I realize its over and it could never be anymore.

My problem has been that since then I have had no luck falling in love again. I have had dates and I have met people since then but I am looking for a girlfriend, a relationship, someone to love,etc. and it seems like Mission Impossible at this point. Let me provide insight into my last two prospects. One girl I met through an online personal ad back in November of 2004, after a few weeks talking we met one night, went out to dinner had,in my opinion, a great first date, then three days later we hung out again and then the next day she came online and told me that no way would it work out between us in the long term and that we should end it now before we get too attached whch we did as per her wishes. I liked her alot and didn't want it to end like that but I really had no other choice. Two months later I asked another girl out, now this girl I liked for years but I never had the courage to talk to her. One day I finally did..I asked her out, she said yes very pleasantly and sincerely, gave her my phone number, she said she would call me within a few days to set something up and lets just say that was January and I am still waiting for that call which obviously is not going to happen.

My problem is that I have no luck meeting anyone and then when I do meet someone either the girl rejects me or she hangs out with me once or twice and then ends it. I ask friends if they can set me up with anyone and they all say the same thing...that all of their female friends have boyfriends or husbands. Honestly, I dont see anything wrong with me as to why a girl wouldnt want to date me. I have a good job, I work about 40-45 hours a week. I have a nice car, nice house,etc.. and I consider myself to be a very outgoing and friendly person. I have decent friends and many people comment on how nice of a person I am. So that leaves me asking one question...what could the problem be?

The other thing with me is that I hate bars and drinking so I dont go to those type of places. Yes, I know that bars are major "hook up" places for people, I really dont want to date a girl that frequents bars anyway and most people tend to tell me that a bar is not a good place to meet a nice girl anyway. I also visit all the other places to try to meet people including libraries, coffee shops, etc. and have no luck there. As far as girls at my job are concerned, once again all of them either have boyfriends or husbands as well.

Does anyone have any advice for me as to what I might be doing wrong or good ideas on how to meet someone? I should also mention that I am rather shy when it comes to talking to girls. Not that I cant or wont do it, just that sometimes it doesnt always come out of my mouth on the first try.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.

 
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Old 09-04-2005, 04:07 PM   #2
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dsleik HB User
Re: Chronically Single

im sorry youre going through such a rough dating scene. the best thing i can say to you is that love comes when you least expect it. try not to make this your number one priority, even though i see your point, at 26, you want a relationship. i dont blame you.

one thing i did not like is that you said " i have a nice car, good job, nice house, etc." you say you dont want a girl who frequents bars, but why would you date a girl who is turned on by possessions and success? if a girl were looking to date someone who had such nice things, then she is superficial and probably not in it for the right reasons.... i hope a girl would go out w you for your personality, goals, interests, beliefs, etc. all the things that make a healthy relationship last. people have met their life partners at bars however, i agree w you, its a weird feeling to think you will find a serious relationship at a bar........ but they are not all "hook up places"

im sorry your 3 yr relationship ended so suddenly and that the girls you date end it after a few dates. the only thing i can think of is that are you making them feel to overwhelmed w any conversations? thats one way i would end a date. if a guy talks about wanting to meet someone he will marry, have kids with, etc, on the first date it can be a huge turnoff to girls, and make it sound like he is looking for anyone to marry him. serious conversations are not a good idea too soon. is there any way you might be doing that without realizing it? do you find yourself bored w nothing to say to eachother? do you bring up past relationships? are you intimate too soon? ( that proves shes after one thing anyway) alot of girls that i know,including myself are intrigued by a guy who isnt shy and is extremely outgoing and likes to hang out and party on occasion. can i just ask why you are so against bars? not every woman is going to hook up w a guy at a bar. its a good place to hang out, meet people, and you dont necessarily have to drink. you dont have to walk in saying "ok where am i gonna find a girl that i could date?" its the process of getting to know eachother as friends first...then of course if she frequents bars too much or is slutty from what you can tell, then you know shes not potential for you.... but i suggest you hang out w your friends at various places, ( including bars, and you dont drink) and just try to get to know girls before approaching them for a date. good way to meet friends in either case, and who knows maybe they have friends who have single friends, ( you know what im saying) !!

in all you seem like a successful, caring, honest great guy, and you will find someone who deserves you, sometimes it just takes a few bad ones to find the "one" good luck! xxoxox

 
Old 09-04-2005, 04:10 PM   #3
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OokieWonderslug HB User
Re: Chronically Single

"The other thing with me is that I hate bars and drinking so I dont go to those type of places. Yes, I know that bars are major "hook up" places for people, I really dont want to date a girl that frequents bars anyway and most people tend to tell me that a bar is not a good place to meet a nice girl anyway. I also visit all the other places to try to meet people including libraries, coffee shops, etc. and have no luck there. As far as girls at my job are concerned, once again all of them either have boyfriends or husbands as well."

I had the same problem as you. Still do. I gave up dating altogether at age 26 for the reasons you outlined plus having small kids to raise alone. Since I don't drink and can't stand bars I have had no luck meeting anyone either. Recently I was given permission by my kids to date again and I have been trying as much as I can. I am just about ready to move away from this state and go back to where the women are not so snobby or hung up on material possesions. I can feel your pain.

It's starting to become obvious to me the problem is one of location. I too am in a fairly large city. Not anything like NYC, but huge compared to where I come from. Your problem (and mine) is probably one of being a small fish in a large pond. Too much competition. Put me back in my small rural hometown and I am about the best looking thing around. Around here I'm average. What could make you stand out in a crowd among the millions in NYC? Or me here in NC? But in a small town, not too small, that depends on a tourist economy (so there is always an event of some kind to be at) that is full of backwoods rednecks who have no idea how to woo a woman, it is easy to stand out. At least that's what reasoning I am coming to. I may be wrong. I may be about to upend my entire life, close a business I have ran for 12 years, leave all my family behind, and move 250 miles away and still be lonely as all get out. I hope not. But the previous record of hundreds of dates, literally dozens of one night stands, and many girlfriends in 4 years ( ages 14-18) back "home" versus 2 girlfriends in 15 years (both lasting about a month) here in NC leads me to think the problem lies where one looks, not what one looks like.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 05:19 PM   #4
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Posts: 340
Divation HB User
Re: Chronically Single

I don't think he meant to say "I have a nice house and car" and stuff to try to get a girl that way. He probably meant it to show that he really has no reason for a girl to not be attracted to him. Like when you date a nice guy, but he has like a really bad house, or a broke down car so they wouldn't date him. He seemingly is living a good life.

Well, I feel for you man. You seem like a really nice guy. The only thing I would recommend, is that even if you don't like bars and those types of places, there are also girls there that don't like those places either but just go there to see if they can meet someone like you! You never know I was actually one of them and although there are PLENTY of people you definitely wouldn't date that go there, you might find one or two that are just like you.

I agree with whoever said that you find love when you least expect it. I was head over heels for a guy friend of mine for a year and when that didn't pan out, I thought it was the end of the world. But I went back to college and took classes and managed to find a great guy in one of them. And it's not like I was looking hardcore for a boyfriend then either. It just kinda happened and we're planning to get married someday.

I think you just need to be more outgoing and outspoken. If you see a cute girl walk by you when you walk down the street, say something.

 
Old 09-04-2005, 05:28 PM   #5
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dsleik HB User
Re: Chronically Single

.........."I don't think he meant to say "I have a nice house and car" and stuff to try to get a girl that way. He probably meant it to show that he really has no reason for a girl to not be attracted to him. Like when you date a nice guy, but he has like a really bad house, or a broke down car so they wouldn't date him. He seemingly is living a good life."
.......................... thats not what i meant by him trying to get a girl that way. i meant that he is assuming that girls should be attracted to him because he has those posessions. and i stated that if a girl wants to be in a materialistic relationship then she is superficial and wont be in it for the right reasons.
true....... be more outspoken, tell someone that you think they are attractive etc...

 
Old 09-04-2005, 05:34 PM   #6
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Mattm4000 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

Hi all,

Thanks for all the responses. Yes, I need to clear something up here. I didn't mean to make it sound like I wanted a girl to date me for material reasons. I completely agree that a girl should like me for me and not because of what I have or own,etc. I was basically just trying to set the scene a little bit and make the point that I am a regular,normal working guy, I know that sometimes when people tell a story they can sometimes leave out the most vital parts. The point I was really trying to make was that I am just a regular guy..I don't live in a van underneath the overpass on the expressway.lol. Atleast not yet anyway

 
Old 09-04-2005, 09:52 PM   #7
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dsleik HB User
Re: Chronically Single

i understand your point now! nice comment w that van hahah! anyways, can you clear up my questions about the conversations? i just wanna try to help ya out!

 
Old 09-05-2005, 12:45 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 518
mada_3083 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

Give up.

I say this for 2 reasons,

1. obviously, by the comments that you are somewhat desperate for a girlfriend "can't get one to save your life" etc, that there is something missing from your core being that makes you feel incomplete... no relationship can patch that hole properly. and women may be sensing that.. .you might be too quick to want a relationship, so you can patch that gap, and that will scare them off... concentrate on being a whole person, so you have so much more to offer a woman than a nice car, or an outgoing personallity... you can offer them a complete person that won't drain them, that isn't with them because they "need them" but because they "want and love them"

2. Your following the dating rulebook... bars = bad, so go to the library or coffee shop... by following that advice, you'll run into women that are also "looking" for love. so they will have their checklist for guys (making it hard to get an "in" with them, unless you scrub up to their predetermined criteria), and/or they will be very guarded because they are used to being approached. so again makes it hard to break through to them. i mean face it, if their reasonably attractive, they've probably had 20 odd men drooling up to them while they were trying to read in the library, or get their morning caffeine shot.

So i reinterate. give up spending the energy on dating, and focus on becoming a whole man. live your life as you want to, doing whatever hobbies you enjoy... once you become that complete man, you won't care about getting a relationship, and that's when the magic happens... because you won't care if girl a accepts you or not, you won't compromise who you really are to try to get a date with them, you won't be sucking up to them... they'll appreciate the honesty, and if they like you for you. your set. and the added advantage is that if you can walk away with your head held tall without even trying to get her number... that will make her go WOW at your confidence, she'll realise that your a complete man, and that will up the attraction factor. the advantage of that is that any women you meet during your life, will have something in common with them, instead of just having the random thought of going to the same coffee shop in an effort to fill a void in their lives.

also, get to know women. not talk to them and ask for a date... just talk to them. maybe aim to learn one thing (not like favorite color or name or starsign) about a different girl everyday or something... just make friends with them (even if they have a husband or boyfriend)... remember your not after a date anymore because you've given up, so get to know them... you never know when one of them might hold a ski weekend, or a jousting tornement (or whatever your preference) that their pretty niece/ sister is at. but that'll only do you good if your complete

 
Old 09-05-2005, 05:12 AM   #9
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattm4000
Hi everyone,

Maybe some of you can give me some suggestions here. I am a 26 year old single male and basically I couldn't get a girlfriend to save my life. I am embarassed to even admit that but its become a reality for me. Just to provide some background information about myself. I am 26, I am of average height and weight. I consider my appearence to be average. I am well-groomed, I try to dress well and I take good physical care of myself. I also live in a major city in the Northeastern United States. Ok,its New York City, you dragged it out of me.lol.

To provide some insight into my past relationships when I was 19 I met a truly wonderful girl that I can safely say that she was the first girl I ever truly loved and cared for. To cut a very long story short we stayed together approximately three years and then one day things started to change and we couldnt get along together anymore and she changed alot and then I eventually found out that she found someone else and it was all over with between us. Needless to say I was heartbroken at the least. Well me and her broke up in May of 2000 which was obviously over 5 years ago at this point and I went through all the emotions and stuff and even though there is a part of me that still cares for her I realize its over and it could never be anymore.

My problem has been that since then I have had no luck falling in love again. I have had dates and I have met people since then but I am looking for a girlfriend, a relationship, someone to love,etc. and it seems like Mission Impossible at this point. Let me provide insight into my last two prospects. One girl I met through an online personal ad back in November of 2004, after a few weeks talking we met one night, went out to dinner had,in my opinion, a great first date, then three days later we hung out again and then the next day she came online and told me that no way would it work out between us in the long term and that we should end it now before we get too attached whch we did as per her wishes. I liked her alot and didn't want it to end like that but I really had no other choice. Two months later I asked another girl out, now this girl I liked for years but I never had the courage to talk to her. One day I finally did..I asked her out, she said yes very pleasantly and sincerely, gave her my phone number, she said she would call me within a few days to set something up and lets just say that was January and I am still waiting for that call which obviously is not going to happen.

My problem is that I have no luck meeting anyone and then when I do meet someone either the girl rejects me or she hangs out with me once or twice and then ends it. I ask friends if they can set me up with anyone and they all say the same thing...that all of their female friends have boyfriends or husbands. Honestly, I dont see anything wrong with me as to why a girl wouldnt want to date me. I have a good job, I work about 40-45 hours a week. I have a nice car, nice house,etc.. and I consider myself to be a very outgoing and friendly person. I have decent friends and many people comment on how nice of a person I am. So that leaves me asking one question...what could the problem be?

The other thing with me is that I hate bars and drinking so I dont go to those type of places. Yes, I know that bars are major "hook up" places for people, I really dont want to date a girl that frequents bars anyway and most people tend to tell me that a bar is not a good place to meet a nice girl anyway. I also visit all the other places to try to meet people including libraries, coffee shops, etc. and have no luck there. As far as girls at my job are concerned, once again all of them either have boyfriends or husbands as well.

Does anyone have any advice for me as to what I might be doing wrong or good ideas on how to meet someone? I should also mention that I am rather shy when it comes to talking to girls. Not that I cant or wont do it, just that sometimes it doesnt always come out of my mouth on the first try.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this.
Join the crowd! It's very hard to meet someone special. Dating is truly a numbers game. The more women you date, the closer you come to finding that special girl. I'm in the same boat as you are as far as having a hard time meeting someone I truly mesh with. There are many single people who are having a hard time like yourself.

The next time you meet someone for the first time, just go and out and enjoy yourself. Don't put so much pressure on to find someone right away. Women can usually sense when a man feels desperate and this is a huge turn-off to them. Also, when picking a women from online ads, look for a profile that says she is also seeking something long term.

It doesn't sound like you have been on very many dates yet. You may have to date twenty or thirty more women before you find someone. I know it gets discouraging, but hang in there and eventually it will happen.

Good luck!

 
Old 09-05-2005, 05:30 AM   #10
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 52
OokieWonderslug HB User
Re: Chronically Single

"So i reinterate. give up spending the energy on dating, and focus on becoming a whole man. live your life as you want to, doing whatever hobbies you enjoy... once you become that complete man, you won't care about getting a relationship, and that's when the magic happens... because you won't care if girl a accepts you or not, you won't compromise who you really are to try to get a date with them, you won't be sucking up to them... they'll appreciate the honesty, and if they like you for you. your set. and the added advantage is that if you can walk away with your head held tall without even trying to get her number... that will make her go WOW at your confidence, she'll realise that your a complete man, and that will up the attraction factor. the advantage of that is that any women you meet during your life, will have something in common with them, instead of just having the random thought of going to the same coffee shop in an effort to fill a void in their lives."

Been there done that. Yeah, I had hobbies and didn't even try to date. I spent my time with my kids and worked on being a really good dad. I worked on just being happy and being me without trying to "hook up". Know what that got me? 10 years of loneliness. A man can only go so long before things just don't work anymore. When you don't go out there and put yourself "on the market" you don't get any takers. Just going to ball games with your kid? The women there are married. Have a hobby? Better make sure it's something single women like if your looking for a mate. I've tried many hobbies in the last 10 years. Met lots of guys. Don't like guys. Ain't met a single umarried woman at a one of them. Face it, if "living your life and being a whole person" doesn't put you where the woman are, your not going to find someone. It is a numbers game. If your not around the numbers your not going to have any luck. So you can't "just be you" and meet someone. Least I haven't. That's why I am trying to change what I do. Even if it's going to places I hate and doing things that I can't stand, there'll be women there and that alone raises the chances exponentially.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 06:35 AM   #11
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Posts: 369
gamecock360 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

You are not alone in this. I totally understand how you feel. Dating is very difficult for me too. I know by saying you have a nice car..etc was just to emphasize that you could give someone a good life. I have said that on here before and why wouldn't a guy want to stay with me and got blasted for being materialistic and I am so far from it. I am very caring and consider myself attractive.
Hang in there. I do agree (and I am trying to do this myself) that you should be out there having fun with you and enjoying yourself and it will come when you least expect it.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 11:31 AM   #12
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

Mr. Ruth didn't meet me until he was 32.
He's never been married but seemed to be the least lonely person I'd ever met.
He worked, had a close knit family, bowled a couple nights a week and coached kids bowling on Saturdays.
When we met it was thru a guy he'd know for 5 yrs - and who I'd worked with for 5 yrs.
He had:
A sense of humor
Alot in common with me
No bitterness from past relationships
Did I mention a sense of humor?

He had 6 more years of being single than you have right now.
So trust me, its not hopeless for you that you'll be at the right place at the right time for the right person to show up - IF you keep your eyes open and keep faith that it will happen.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 12:30 PM   #13
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cremebrulee HB User
Re: Chronically Single

i know how you feel. i am a 26 year old female. i think i am a pretty good catch. i am educated, pretty, nice, and all the things many guys say they want. i am at the point in my life where i am tired of dating and dating and dating. during the past two years, i've gone on more dates than i have in my entire life. i don't have a problem getting dates. my biggest problem is making any relationship last more than a few months. i came to conclusion that guys my age are still shopping around. they are not looking for love. they are looking to have fun. i have been seeing a great guy since july but i am waiting for all that to fall apart shortly. but i know that i will not have a problem with finding another guy to date. i don't want that. i want someone who wants to be with me indefinitely. i am so fed up that i sometimes wonder if the problem is me. i think i am great but that may not be the case.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 12:45 PM   #14
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Mattm4000 HB User
Re: Chronically Single

cremebrulee, you don't happen to live in New York by any chance do you? We could get together! lol.

Anyway, I know everyone is right about how I just have to live my life and be patient and wait for the right girl to come along but sometimes it just seems like its never going to happen and to me the worst part is that theres no guarantee that its going to happen either. Some people never get married or they never meet the right person and I am so afraid that I am on the path to being one of them.

The other thing is that its also kind of hard to get motivated when your single,atleast in my opinion anyway. An example would be that when one of your friends is having a party or a get together and everyone is there with their 'significant other' and you show up alone its a weird feeling and I cant help but to think that everyone must be thinking to themselves whats wrong with this guy that he always shows up alone and cant find anyone? I sometimes would rather just not go then to have to face that.

 
Old 09-05-2005, 01:23 PM   #15
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Chronically Single

Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
i know how you feel. i am a 26 year old female. i think i am a pretty good catch. i am educated, pretty, nice, and all the things many guys say they want. i am at the point in my life where i am tired of dating and dating and dating. during the past two years, i've gone on more dates than i have in my entire life. i don't have a problem getting dates. my biggest problem is making any relationship last more than a few months. i came to conclusion that guys my age are still shopping around. they are not looking for love. they are looking to have fun. i have been seeing a great guy since july but i am waiting for all that to fall apart shortly. but i know that i will not have a problem with finding another guy to date. i don't want that. i want someone who wants to be with me indefinitely. i am so fed up that i sometimes wonder if the problem is me. i think i am great but that may not be the case.
Well, I'm 33 and in that same exact boat as you. Talk about being tired of dating and dating and dating LOL. I came to the same conclusion as you, surprisingly: guys my age are not looking for love, either! They're also looking to just have fun. My question is: WHEN do they start looking for something more substantial? Do they ever? Am I just meeting all the wrong guys? Same with a couple of my single friends who are in their late 20s and early 30s--all educated, attractive, intelligent, and fun. The common denominator: can't make any relationship last more than a few months. At least know that you're not alone, and many people seem to be having the same problems. I don't even know sometimes what the culprit is. It's hard to be objective about myself, but one of my friends, for example, was so nice, loving, and understanding towards her last boyfriend, and he said he liked her very much, but he was too "confused" what he wanted, blah, blah, blah. A guy in his 30s and never married! When do they stop being confused?

 
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