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Old 09-04-2005, 05:35 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: New Jersey
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vendetta HB User
I feel torn apart...

I'm 26 weeks pregnant. and just a couple days ago...my fiance (well, now ex-fiance) told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He just turned 21years old and I'm 17years old. We've been arguing a lot lately, mostly because of his drinking problem and me needing him to be there for me - because he never is, between working 12-13 hours a day (which I understand), then drinking and coming home just to sleep...I felt really alone, with no job, no friends that aren't into the teenage partying scene, and no where to go and let my energy out. I'm not completely sure why he broke things off...he told me the reasons I listed before, but I can tell theres something he's planned or something he's hiding from. He said that there's no one else...and I believe him, but I have this feeling that there's something else. He said it wasn't that he didn't love me, he just "can't try anymore". I think he's starting to get scared.

We've lived together for about a year total and we've been renting his mother's upstairs apartment for the past couple months...and I have no job because he said I could wait until the baby is born and then eventually go back to work, while he pays for whatever we need in the mean time. (he makes good money, so we wouldn't have any problems) He said I need to do something with my energy because when he gets home, he doesn't have much - if any energy after work and that clashes with me waiting for him to get home every day.

So, now...I'm staying at my grandmother's house (about 3 miles away from where I was living) until I figure out what I'm going to do. I can't live with her for long though, she lives in a 55+ community and she can't have anyone under 55 years old live with her. My mom said I can move back with her, but that's an hour away...and I love my doctors, and I love the hospital. I also still want to try to work things out with HIM...although he said he doesn't want to. He told me that he's going to do all he can for his son, but I think it's going to be really hard for him to do all he wants with us being an hour away from each other. I have this feeling (or hope, not sure which one) that we're going to get back together later on...just not now. But I'm worried. I feel like I can't wait that long...he's going to be the father of my child, and I had everything planned out...now, its all gone. he also bought me a car, so I didn't save any money to buy one myself. I have absolutely no money whatsoever. He said he's going to be there when the baby is born, but I feel so helpless, hurt and confused. And to top it all off, my excited hormones aren't helping...I finally saw him after 3 days of him just dissapearing and I just kept crying and crying...and of course, I'm thinking about him 24/7 because I love him, we're having a baby boy in December, and we used to do everything together (which I'm sure didn't really help), like shop, go out to eat, watch Law & Order before bed when he wasn't too drunk/tired to stay up past 10pm and sleep side by side every night...it seems like it all happened so quick, and it hurts so bad because I would/will do anything to try to make this relationship work, and he says that it wouldn't happen and doesn't want to try. You can't prove that to someone when they won't let you.

Thanks for reading this essay :P haha, I get carried away sometimes...

If you have any advice, or suggestions, PLEASE let me know.
Its hard for me to get over this, and move on to other issues..I feel stuck on him...and he doesn't seem to have any problem with this (even though he says he does...he doesn't show ANY emotion.). What should I do?

Thanks, Again

 
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Old 09-04-2005, 05:54 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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vendetta HB User
Re: I feel torn apart...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soulcatcher
Is this a double post?
not exactly a double post...trying to get some advice on moving on, and dealing with the situation I'm in. I made the decision that I'm going to move with my mom and I've been trying to look for government assistance information...I just need help getting used to not being with him. It hurts and it seems impossible, even though I know its not.

(I was lazy, so I just took out some parts that I thought weren't too important for help, out)

 
Old 09-04-2005, 06:02 PM   #3
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dsleik HB User
Re: I feel torn apart...

im soooo sorry that youre going through such a rough time right now, especially pregnant. you mentioned his drinking...do you want your baby to be around that when he is born?...and if you were together when the baby comes, you know you would fight about it infront of the baby and you would be even more stressed. youre still young and theres alot to learn about relationships, even though youre having a baby together and were engaged. you said you didnt work but were upset that he was never there for you. i understand that instead of drinking, he should be w you, preparing for your baby, but he works 12 hrs a day and you dont. so how else could you pay for the things you need, especially for the baby? i know your hormones are probably out of whack and you cant help it sometime... but men dont really understand, and will take the easiest possible way out. hes 21 yrs old, so i can assume drinking and friends are his top priorities right now, unfortunately. he clearly isnt ready to be a dad if hes gonna walk out on you when you need him most. let me give you a story about my best friend whos bf of 5 yrs left her at 13 wks preg..............
they were together 5 yrs, living together 2, both 20, not engaged, both work full time and then one day she found out at 13 wks she was preg, and he left. he said there was no one else and would be there for his son too. he moved out and she moved somewhere else to go through her pregnancy alone and stressed and crying constantly. a month later she found out there had been someone else he was "seeing" for the past year. while shes preg w his son, hes calling her harrassing, accusing, stressing her out her whole preg. she had her son on her 21st bday. her bf came to the hosp the next day and has seen him twice so far. her son is now 3 mths old, but my friend is strong w the help of family,adn friends, and his own family. she is doing awesome. she wishes her son had a daddy but she is doing great as a single mom and doesnt even let him bother her anymore cuz he never calls to check up on his own son. one thing she says is that its like her ex never existed he was only a sperm donar, and she never truly knew love until she looked into her sons eyes the minute they layed him on her chest.
dont worry!!...... you can get through this. i hope your bf grows up and assumes his responsibilities and stays true to his word of being there for his son. i hope he doesnt stress you out any more than you already are. just remmeber this baby is going to be the best thing that will ever happen to you! as far as living goes, i can see how you like your dr's and dont want to be anywhere else... but maybe if your ex isnt there for you when the baby comes, i would move back home w your mom. moms can be the best support and help you w things you cant afford, etc. im sure she really feels your pain right now, as do i. dont feel like its your fault he left because its not. hes the one who looks like a baby cuz he cant stand up and be man. he looks stupid, you look strong. he will probably regret everything, hopefully its before your son is born. if not, then his work will be put to good use, ..........paying you CHILD SUPPORT!!!!! not sure what your states law is but you will get a good chunk im sure if he works 12-13 hrs daily and makes good money. i knwo money isnt gonna solve your problems but dont feel liek you will have nothing coming in to support you baby. keep me posted on the updates! and remember to stay strong for your baby! good luck....oxox

 
Old 09-04-2005, 06:15 PM   #4
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Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: I feel torn apart...

I think you've made a very good desision. Funny what being a mother makes us do. It's like we no longer care for ourselves but for our children. Just don't get discouraged when looking for govt help and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing it. Your actually very smart for not putting your child through a poisoned relationship. IF only I were in your shoes again my children would NOT have seen or heard some of the things they heard. Now you know that as long as you breast feed that child can not be taken from you for visits with him. IF he threatens or tries to harm you in any way what so ever, you get it on police report. Sometimes alcoholics seem to want control and he may threaten to get visitations with that child (worse case scenerio) IF he does want to try and have a relationship, make sure if you talk to him on the phone that you are civil so you teach your child to repect his father. I hope the father does the same. I seriously know how scary it is, I really really do. But you can do it. Find a mother's group, you would be surprised how much they can and will help you. With clothes, food, support, toys all kinds of things. I wish you lived in Florida. I just threw out strollers, play yards, clothes, toys. I got tired of them in my garage and I sadly do not see a future with my alcoholic husband to have another baby. That's another thing......Look what I got myself into. I can't have the big family I want. I can't have a normal daddy at home. I tried and tried to make a family with an alcoholic and it was soooooo mentally, physically, spiritually abusing. I thought I could make him see what he had, a beautiful baby son and two beautiful twin girls who adored him. A wife that did it all. Nope. Didn't work. So I moved on and kicked him out and am raising these little ones all alone. I don't have a sitter so I don't go anywhere. I do go to church now and all of my friends are mothers. I have a great support group. I had to get on wic and foodstamps. I have them all in school right now. I am fortunate enough that his "child support" is enough so I do not have to work but I know that if I had to I would. He was just in ICU and they pumped blood out of his stomach so I thought I had to tell the kids their dad was dead. That's enevitable with an alcoholic. I cry alot for my children. I cry because I don't want their hearts to hurt. Sorry this is long but I want you to know you can do it!!!

 
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