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Old 09-05-2005, 12:13 PM   #1
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minimeksa HB User
Question My mums lost it!

Let me give you some brief background info before I explain the situation. I'm 17 years old and from a family of 5 kids, younger triplet brothers who are 13 and an older sister whose 19. When I was 3 we moved abroad to Saudi Arabia due to my dads job. I enjoyed Saudi, we all did, alot of good memories. We returned back home to England 3 years ago when the situation in Saudi got dangerous for expats. I've always felt I'm from the perfect family, in that we all love one another and are closer than most families, and outsiders have often commented on our closeness.

We went on holiday to Spain 2 weeks ago. Obviously with a family of 7 there's alot of us about and we're always bickering, as all families do - with three 13 year old lads it's what you come to expect. I was out one night with my dad and he seemed deep in thought and depressed. Anyway after a few drinks it all came it. He began telling me mum and him were having problems (this meant little to me as they're always arguing and I never doubted they wouldn't get over it), but it eventually turned out my mum had been having an affair for 5 months. MY mum. I couldn't believe this and still can't. My dad was/is distraught. Anyway I had to carry on the holiday pretending all I knew was my parents were having problems, and didn't have a clue about an affair. I made them both promise me they would give it there all to sort this out, there's just too much to loose. It would break my heart, my brothers, my sister, my nana, my auntie, they had to understand what they'd be throwing away, plus 25 years of a marriage.

Anyway now were back from the holiday. They've been arguing alot, this is killing dad. They've been to see a marriage councellor, but my mum, I don't know what's going on. She has no emotions. Me and my sister overheard it all, the affair, the fact she still loves this other man and although loves my dad, is no longer 'in love' with him. This was the first my sister had heard of it and she was in bits. She didn't sleep last night and I was up most the night with her. I feel I don't know my mum anymore. I haven't spoke to her since overhearing her actually discuss this other man, it's one thing being told your mum has been sleeping with another man, but hearing her talk about it and how she loves him, its outrageous. She doesn't know what she's risking. We have a really nice house, a lovely family with a great future, why would she do this? I've not yet been upset about it I'm just angry. She used to say she'd been kept late at work, while in truth she'd been off banging this man. She'd then come home and be a mum, how can she do this? I'm beginning to question how much she loves us children. I understand she may have fallen out of love with my dad but to be off sleeping with another man (who also has a wife and child), it's evil. My dad wants to kill this guy and I don't blame him. I just feel like my mum is in this daze and will one day wake up and realise what she's done, but I'm afraid it will be too late because right now she is obsessed with this other man. The other man wants to leave the relationship and sort it out with his wife and I think my mum is living in some fantasy world. She tells my dad how this guy excites her. She's a 44 year old mother, who does she think she is? I just want to know why she would do it. I can't stand to be in the room with her and myself, my sister and my dad would just like her to leave, but we love her too much to let her go that easily. Right now I feel I hate her, and she's nothing but scum in my eyes but I worry if we all push her and are so cold towards her, then she goes for this other guy and he's not there for her, what will she do then. At the end of the day she's my mum. Aren't mums meant to be the ones to protect you from getting hurt, yet she's the one breaking my heart.

Anyway that's my story and I don't really expect anyone to get to the end of it, but I felt I had to tell someone.

Cheers.

 
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Old 09-05-2005, 12:28 PM   #2
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dsleik HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

im sorry you have to go through that. i dont think its the other guys fault. he couldve been thinking he was w a single woman who had no children.... it depends how your mum made him believe who she was. this was in your mum's control. if she isnt in love w your dad anymore, then i guess its better to seperate then go through a marriage w no love. of course your dad will feel hurt, he should try counseling. she should have thought about the situation she was putting herself in before she did this to her family but she cant go back and erase it. dont hate her, shes your mum, its ok to disagree w what she did and make her know youre in pain over it. your mum and dad can still love you and your siblings without being together. i wish you the best

 
Old 09-05-2005, 02:13 PM   #3
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

Minimeksa--

My heart just breaks for you right now. Big cyber hug sent to you!! Everyhting you're feeling is so normal and so gut wrenching right now. You are a very articulate young man, so you really expressed yourself well, and I'm feeling it--if only a little bit. SO sorry, hon.

A little insight to what your mum is going thru tho may help a teeny tiny bit. She's starting to get up in age. She feels the pounds and stretch marks of being a mum of five. SHe's been married and had children and traveled the world, yet something seemed missing in her life and she (probably quite by accident at first) fell in love with another man. When you are a mother, a wife, a cook, an organizer, a family manager, a maid, a driver, and possibly a career woman, you are never completely youself--or at least it's very hard to maintain a sense of self.

There's no time you get to be a sexy, vibrant woman you once were and you miss it. You can get depressed--or just get in a rut where you feel dead inside to who you are as an individual. Hard to imagine for you at 17, but I swear, it happens to women, and men, a lot at this age. You start asking yourself--"Who am I, and how the h**l did I get here?? Why aren't I happier? I have everything." Everything but the exciting woman she once was.

Then, when most vulnerable, most low on yourself, in comes someone saying all the right things. Making you feel young, desireable, interesting--and conversations are about YOU, not your family or what you had for dinner, or the next teacher meeting at school--but YOU!! It feels so great. Your heart pounds again and you go, "OMG--I remember this feeling!! I LOVE this feeling!! I feel alive!! I feel desired and sexy....Hey!! I am sexy. I am fun! I am important--just me, I matter to someone just me-myself--someone is interested in ME!!"

The feeling is like a drug and you can't get enuf of it. Then you start looking at your own life and rationalizing. "My husband doesn't look at me that way.... I'm just a mom, a maid, a wife, etc..to him.I want this excitement!! It just makes me feel so special and so alive and I was dead inside.'

See--your mum was really not really dead inside--but the contrast to this new/old feeling is so great--it makes her feel as tho she was and then she begins to question everything in her life to see if it has real meaning for HER.

It doesn't at ALL mean she feels any less for you and your siblings. To the contrary--if she's a good person, and I'm sure she is b/c you sound well brought up, it's tearing her guts apart to do this to you kids. I know it looks selfish and it makes you sick, but this is about her and only her. It's sounds something of a midlife crisis, and affairs ina mid life crisis are only a symptom of self medicating and underlying pain. They are ususally not even in love, just in love with the feeling I tried to explain before.

I hope she and your dad can work it out, but if they cannot--and your mum is truely in love with this man, then you must work on forgiving her. She's not doing this to you, even tho it sure feels like it. You have to try and see your mum as a person, maybe for the first time. We are human, and humans make mistakes. SHe is no less your mother than yesterday, or than all those times she was by your side--raising you the best she knew how. It'll be hard, but working on this could save your relationship with her and you'll need that relationship.

You will not be betraying your father if you do this. It's not at all taking sides, and you don't have to accept what your mum is doing--just agree to love her anyway, cuz she's a human being with emotions and flaws all her own. She loves you and doesn't want to break your heart. SHe is just trying to fill up her own. It would mean so much to your mum if you just said, "I'm heartbroken, mum--but I still love you no matter what b/c you're a great mum." And give yourself some time. It won't be easy, but you can do it. I will include your family in my prayers and say a special one for you. Thsi is a rough, rough time for you. Hang in there. I wish someone would have explained this to me when my parents got divorced about my mother. No one did, and consequently I lost many years hating her for what she did. Now that I'm an adult and have had a marriage of my own--I wish someone would have at least tried to get me to understand her choices much, much sooner. I hope it helped a teeny, teeny bit. Hang in there, K?

 
Old 09-06-2005, 08:35 AM   #4
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minimeksa HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

Really appreciate the support laurie864bla and dsleik, thanks.

Things haven't really changed since yesterday. The other man's wife has been in touch with my mum and told her how her husband was the centre of her world and wants to give their relationship another chance. She also, kindly, rang my dad and they chatted - she was extremely considerate.

It's getting more hurtful with my mum. I think I'm going to write her a letter because I want to make sure I say everything that's on my mind, plus the fact I can't stand to talk to her face-to-face. The other day after listening to my sister have a go at her and try to make her see some reality she came up to my room to talk to me. I couldn't stand to look at her, she walked in and said "do you want to talk?" I replied no and that was that, no tears, no sorry, out the room she went. The thing is I don't feel hurt and don't know why.

My sister can't get the imagines of my mum and another man together, out of her head. She can't think of anything else. Everytime she talks to me about the situation she breaks down and that hurts me. She started tracing things back and trying to work out signs/events which happened that relate to the affair. There was this one time, my sister had been at uni for a few weeks (she lives at the uni accomodation) and she'd come home for the weekend. My mum said she was going to this big shopping centre (about an hours drive away), and my sister saw it as an opportunity for them to catch up with one another. Mum told her she was only going for some running shoes and my sister was still all for going, but mum still insisted there was no need. This really hurts my sister now to know the truth, my mum was putting this man first - she didn't go to any shopping centre but around the corner to shag this man. My sister brought this up with my mum yesterday and said that that was really hurtful and mum just replied yeah it was - heartless *****!

We ususally have pizzas for dinner on fridays (those you buy ready-made and just put in the oven to cook) since its the end of the week mum and dad can't really be bothered cooking proper meals. Mum always used to come home late on Friday's and complain how her boss kept her late. Rubbish...again she was off having a great time with this man then coming home and spending the rest of the night in our company. The thing is I could possibly understand if my mum had been unhappy with her relationship, been out one night, had a few too many drinks and had a one night stand, but she'd come home after shagging this guy, obviously not feeling any remoarse and go off and do it again. How can you love someone you see for maybe 2 hours at a time once a week? She's never needed to argue with this guy, he's never had to be there when she's ill, he's never had to play the part of father for 5 kids, they've probably never even heard each other fart - I'm 17 and I can see this, why can't she? I'm obviously an affiar is going to be exciting, but what's she going to do when she's 55!?

Anyway I'm off to try and get my thoughts down on paper. Cheers for reading.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 10:11 AM   #5
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

i think writing a letter to your mom is a good idea, you'll get to tell her all the things you want to say. I know that in the past when my mom and I have fought, i get so emotional that i forget half of what I want to say or somehow our "conversation" turns in a different direction from what I really want to say.

It's right to hate what your mother did and be upset with her for it, but I think you know that you don't hate her. But no matter what she may say, she was totally wrong here, and it's her responsibility to do all she can to fix this.

As for her explanation of this man "exciting her" and women getting stuck in a marriage "rut" and only being a mom, maid, etc...I say to the women that use this as an excuse for cheating, who's fault is it that things got that way? It's YOURS. If you don't want to be identified as only those things, don't act like it. Act like a wife, act like you did when you first started dating your husband. Plan nights out, spend time with just the two of you. If you do'nt feel sexy and desired anymore, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Take care of yourself, buy new clothes, act confident, initiate sex...I say this to my bf all the time...that when we get married, I never want to be one of those couples who falls into a rut, I always want there to be that spark. He agrees wholeheartedly. I can see how this easily happens, but both halves of a married couple need to work at it. And if you've already fallen into the wife/mother/maid thing, talk to your husband, let him know how you're feeling, because i'm sure that most men do not purposely think of their wives this way, and would love to feel that same heat and desire as they did when they first started dating or were newlyweds. Of course it takes work and communication, but it's not something that's a dead end and the only way to feel good about yourself again is to cheat.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 10:23 AM   #6
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

Maybe I'm looking at this a bit differently, but I believe that this situation - your parent's marriage - is between the two of them.
The sooner they sort this out, with or without marriage counseling, the better for the rest of the family.
I don't believe it was fair of your parents to discuss the affair with you. The sooner they decide what is going to happen to their marriage the better off their family (you kids) will be.

The last thing any teen wants to hear about is their parent's sex life -
Be supportive, be civil.
But it is THEIR marriage.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 11:43 AM   #7
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

redsox-- agree with everything you said, but sometimes it takes getting to that point to realize you should have done things differently. It is their fault for letting things get that way most of the time. Sometimes it's lack of any social life, time b/c of children, and simply options--but one should try as hard as they can, even without many options, you can try to maintain a sense of self. Not many people go into a marriage wanting less than what you and your boyfriend want--but as the years go by and children are had, your relationship will change. It does for everyone, and some people can make this transistion well. Others can't...or won't do the work.

As far as using it for an excuse, I don't buy that either. I let myself get to this point I explained--but NEVER acted out by cheating--not even a little emotional cheat--nothing. So I don't think it's an excuse--I just saw how it could SO easily happen if I wasn't the commited wife that I was.

I was trying to explain the imperfectness, the humanity of it, so he could work on his relationship with his mother. It's already his reality and I just would love to see him get to a place of understanding for their relationship's sake. Understanding or forgiving is not condoning or enabling. Take care.

mini--be careful with that letter if it's just not a purge to yourself that will never be sent. Reason I say this is, my brother, quite articulate and 17 at the time, wrote one to my mom during their discovered affair and subsequent divorce. That letter still exists-and let me tell you, it is more painful for my brother than it is for my mom.

Looking back, he realized how much he hurt her with that letter and it was almost more than he could bare as an adult. As an adult, he knew there were a lot of extenuating circumstances that led to the affair, and he had forgiven her for it long ago. When this letter was found in a box of my mother's old things, by my brother, he was devistated that he did this to her, at how much pain she was already in, and that he added to it.

I know he should have known he was young, and those were his thoughts at the time, and very valid--but if he had the choice--I know he'd never write one again and send it. It's good to get the feelings out, but you may want to wait to send it when it's not so raw. I'm just saying you really may regret it and your feelings may change.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 12:20 PM   #8
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dsleik HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Maybe I'm looking at this a bit differently, but I believe that this situation - your parent's marriage - is between the two of them.
The sooner they sort this out, with or without marriage counseling, the better for the rest of the family.
I don't believe it was fair of your parents to discuss the affair with you. The sooner they decide what is going to happen to their marriage the better off their family (you kids) will be.

The last thing any teen wants to hear about is their parent's sex life -
Be supportive, be civil.
But it is THEIR marriage.
i wouldnt want to know every detail if this were my parents, but i would want them to know that i hurt for what they did in tearing our family apart. family shouldnt keep secrets. the way you can stay out of it is by not knowing what goes on at their counseling sessions. your mum is clearly putting this guy before your family needs, i think you have every right to let her know youre hurt more than ever. if people keep all their emotions inside, then one day its gonna be too much and burst out, and those are the ones who become depressed, suicidal, etc.... you have a close family there should be no reason you guys can talk about this, your mum is obviously not hiding her affair. im sure the other guys wife is in pain and feels for your family too.

as for the letter, good idea.. like laurie said, tho, be careful. keep a journal too i think it might help to vent some of your feelings on paper. good luck xoxox, prayers for your family

 
Old 09-06-2005, 12:24 PM   #9
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daria74 HB User
Re: My mums lost it!

when I was 17 I went through the exact same thing you are going through, but with my father. He abruptly left his wife and 2 kids for a woman he had known for no more than 6 months. So much of what you are feeling rings true for me - the disgust and disbelief that someone would just "throw away" their family for an infatuation. When you describe how she seems to have "gone crazy" - that is exactly how all of us, and everyone who had known him for years, felt. It was if he had been brainwashed - there was nothing that could bring him back down to earth or bring back the person we had known - he was on his new path and the more guilt and shame he felt in seeing us hurt, the faster & further he ran. That was probably the worst part of it all - his actual leaving was not nearly as painful as HOW he did it. He became so distant and cold and incredibly hurtful to my mother whenever she would (rightfully so!) lividly confront him on his behavior. It was as if he had sparked a fire, maybe not quite knowing how fast & furious it would burn, and upon seeing it out of control, ran terrified - too childish and selfish to take responsibility for the pain and confusion he had triggered.
Now I am not one to blame the 'other' person in an infidelity or resulting divorce. I believe there has to have been some major issues in the marriage to begin with for the other person to even consider straying. I also understand the notion of "midlife crisis" and how some life change can be important in someone's personal growth & alleviating life's monotony. But to let the marital problems get to the point where you need to do something so drastic, without having firmly stating your issues and done everything in your power to fix them first (serious therapy, communication, etc) is pathetic and incredibly immature. Especially for an adult in middle age!! That is what disgusts me the most in these situations of adults acting like selfish children - too immature to have the strength to seriously confront the issues in their marriage before they get out of hand, and, also like a child, floating away on the 1st available life raft instead of dealing with the problem as a unit - let alone the emotional responsibility they have to their spouse and (especially!) children.
Unfortunately divorce is so common today that many of these people assume it won't be "that big of a deal" for their children. They will just "get over" it. Both parents will still "be there" for them, so what if they aren't living under the same roof? BULLS**T!!! These idiots have no idea how much they are screwing with their children's sense of security and self LONG TERM. How much damage they are doing to their children's possible future relationships. The cynicism and depression it causes, and the resentment in having to deal with such overwhelming adult issues at such a young age. (seeing one parent weakened with devastation, the other acting disturbingly like an adolescent - and believe me, there is nothing more disgusting to an adolescent than to watch their parent revert back to one!! To see both your parents to vulnerable/childlike is terrifying) Not to mention the inevitable strain and feeling of betrayal when the child is expected to "accept" the new (often simily patronizing) boyfriend/girlfriend who they see as the one who has torn the family apart in the first place.
Whew! Sorry this was such a negative sounding rant. You still dont know what direction this will all go in and maybe she will come to her senses and regret her actions. But if she does not, all I can say is make sure you are able to communicate your feelings - and a good therapist would be the best way. Of course sympathetic friends are a necessity too. Dont bottle up your feelings or isolate. And make your needs VERY clear to both parents as to what you want to hear and can handle - do not let anyone manipulate you or your loyalities. Best of luck to you and my sympathies! It will get easier...

 
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