Ok...i'll try to keep this short and yet give out the informaiton needed for everyone to understand. Please ask me questions i'll answer them. I have been dating a man for 4 years. Dating in the sense that we have made no commitment to one another. Mainly because our life situations will not allow for us to move forward..or so we keep telling ourselves. No we are not married. But his job keeps him away often and mine keeps me put. We are always trying to figure out what we are doing and how to move forward in our relationship or if we should move forward or not. I have said that i want this but i can't give him the details of how we would make a committed relationship work. We both have children so this makes things more complicated. Although his is not with him..my son is with me and is still young. I don't want to let him go and i guess that's why after this long we are still connected..but i fear we are hurting each other by not moving on. I know that i love him and he loves me...however we never never in all this time have said so...only once during an argument over our relationship did the fact of love come up and it was dissmissed as not being important because we had bigger issues. We have over the years called it off twice and always we come back to each other. The realist in me knows that finding a way to be together and finding the solutions for making a committment work would be the thing to do. However we can't do this. Too many unknowns. And the romantic in me worries that we just don't have a strong love to light the way. I have been clear that i want to try regardless and take the chance go for a real relationship and see what happens. I'd rather have it fail then stay like this. He always wants more details how will it work. Does he want this or what i think to myself. Don't i deserve to be with someone who is willing to take the risk and try? I don't know what to do . I think i'm right in saying lets just do and see where it goes..i fear he won't accept this and push for more answers and i don't have them and nor does he. I just can't seem to let go and when i do he always comes back. What should i do? I can't justify giving him anymore of my time without some kind of life together in the future. Does that seem reasonable. Let me just add that he is not a player, he is not using me, he's not an ***, on the contrary he is a good guy and will accept what i decide. I'm just wondering why he pushes so hard to know where we are going and what we are doing if he has nothing to offer not even words of love. I don't understand him or what he wants from me. Help!! I'm letting him know where i stand...i'll let everyone know how it goes..any advice would be helpful..i'm afraid to keep him and afraid to not have him...yikes.
4 yrs is a long time and i think counseling for both of you could ease problems. what do you mean when you say youre not commited? do you see other people, does he? are you faithful? you seem like youre afraid he will hurt you and i think if you want this to work out then you need to trust him. youhavent said "i love you" in the 4 yrs? ... yet you know you love eachother. theres soething missing. you need to be open w your feelings for him and reassure eachother that you are in love. when you say he wants details how it will work, are you saying in your discussion that he is basically being negative towards the idea of commitment and doesnt knwo if it will work? i think you guys need to see a counselor...good luck
If you both avoided saying I love you in the four years of this relationship, that alone is all I would need to judge the future potential for happiness and fulfillment. Feelings have to be expressed at least occasionally. His constant asking for details is a strong sign that any risk at all, in the name of love, is not something he is willing to take.
If two people have what it takes in emotion and rational commitment to make a go of it, four years do not pass resulting in this ultimate scenario and ambiguity.
I wish I could offer advice that changed all this. Perhaps counseling would help, but I don't get the sense he would not of could not commit to that.
If you are asking these questions still after four years, there is much to be gleaned from that alone to help guide your decisions.
Yes there have been times when we both have been seeing other people. When we are not together we are not and when we are we are. By no means have we treated each other poorly and we have been honest. However at the same time i do think that we are not being totally honest with ourselves and in the end we are not giving each other the respect we deserve by letting go and moving on. I know that that is what is right and i guess i'm just looking for the confirmation that i'm not chucking something good. And in all honesty i want to be able to walk away guilt free...truth is i am only angry with myself for not being a stronger person to begin with. I hope all goes well when we talk and i hope we can end this without hurtful things being said. At the same time i feel a strong attachment to him and i will miss him something terrible.
I dated for years before I finally got married.
All I can tell you is that from my own experience, if this was the right guy for you, you would have been together as a committed couple by now...
I dated for years before I finally got married.
All I can tell you is that from my own experience, if this was the right guy for you, you would have been together as a committed couple by now...
yes i think shes right......you would know if he has potential to be the "one" by now.
Well at the time of my first post i had emailed him and basicly said i wanted to give us a try...and if we couldn't do that then we need to say our goodbyes...it wasn't at all a nasty email and i tried to keep everything on the positive. Anyway he calls a few days later and we have idle chat..and then he says that we will talk in a few weeks when he gets back (he's working out of town). The tone was clearly one that said "when i get back i'm gonna dump your ***" ...anyway try to make this short. I sent another email and said i know i freaked him out with the give it a try stuff, (truth is i know we can't do it) and bla bla bla..i want to get to the bottom of this as fast as i can. I have not heard one word from him. Part of me feels bad for comin on so strong about us making a decision..then part of me doesn't because he was the one to tell me to sort things out. And truthfully i'm even starting to get a little angry because it seems like he is dragging his heals. I have given him a clear in...nothing...a clear out...nothing..and i won't keep "dating" him for another 4 years this way..that i have been very clear about. Anyway i don't know what else to do. Just venting but if anyone has any words please share them with me. Sitting and waiting for this to come to a header is making me crazy.
Hi Krissy... Seems to me that you HAVE your answer already...
Seems to me the next thing to do rather than sit & wait is to get up and get going with the rest of your life.
Many posters here have mentioned a book called 'He's Just Not That Into You'. It came out after I got married so I can't speak for it myself. But it sounds like it might be a GREAT book for you at this point!
There's something out there beyond this guy for you. I'm just hoping you'll hang around here long enough for "recovery" for me to hear about something great happening for you!
Ruth (who started over many MANY times & it still all worked out)
Part of me feels bad for comin on so strong about us making a decision..then part of me doesn't because he was the one to tell me to sort things out.
I don't think you can call it "coming on too strong" after 4 years. I mean, how long does it have to be before you're allowed to state your feelings.
Don't feel bad. You have nothing to feel bad about, it is time for this to be handled.
I agree with the others. Four years is more then long enough to know if this relationship is going somewhere. Sounds like you're honest with yourself, and him. You really do know what you have to do.
Thanks, Thanks and Thanks...all very true....just got to get by...and start taking action. Step A- saying out loud to each other that it's over...Step B- breaking the comunication...Step c- Make my own life my own way and who knows what or whom i'll find. Now if i can just do it...lol. Thanks everyone much appreciate the support.
I guess I may be in the minority here but just because you have waited so long for someone, in this case 4 yrs, does not mean that the guy isn't right for her. Love has no time table, if it is true love it will stand the test of time.
If you can just do it???
I would guess so!
You've got folks here who will be here every Step of the way - starting with "A"!
Thanks Ruth! I'll need it..cause just when i think he's done and i'm done and we are getting somewhere. Somewhere in this case being no where and putting things to rest. He comes back with some nice words and we'll talk when he gets back and all the rest. I guess if he was a total jerk it would be easier. As much as i get frustrated with him or us he's a good guy and regardless of whatever happends or how it ends..i'll always think highly of him. I know it's just as hard for him. We are both holding on, for our seperate reasons whatever they may be. If he's in..i'm out and if i'm in he's out..occassionally we are both in but not on a serious level..arrrrrr. I am however sticking to my guns. So the support will be greatly appreciated. I don't feel sorry for myself, i just wanted to add that. I got myself into this and it's just silly that i and he can't decide and act. Anyway thank you.
I don't think you can call it "coming on too strong" after 4 years. I mean, how long does it have to be before you're allowed to state your feelings.
Don't feel bad. You have nothing to feel bad about, it is time for this to be handled.
I know your right. It isn't unreasonable by no means for me to draw the line. I know he knows that too. I guess what i really truely feel bad about is if it was him pushing i would feel like crap and i'm trying to stay nice nice..but the reality is we may not agree on how things went and how they should end. I know we have both wanted to end it at some point but it seems like we are never there at the same time. And we are sooooo attached and dependant on each other emotionally.
I guess I may be in the minority here but just because you have waited so long for someone, in this case 4 yrs, does not mean that the guy isn't right for her. Love has no time table, if it is true love it will stand the test of time.
Daphnee..you sound exactly like the little voice in my head..this is the flip side of my heart and it's that part of me and of him that keeps us the way we are. But the fear and reality that i could be spend all this time and giving myself to someone who does not love me the way they should and to a relationship that seems to never grow, makes me need to look at things from another perspective. If i didn't think exactly what you said i'd have ended this long ago...sigh.............I might add i'm 30 years old so life isn't going wait for me at this point. sigh......I like your optimism tho!!!
Reading between the lines I am going to make a wild guess and say that there is a third party involved in this situation which prevents you two being together? Would I be right in that guess?
Nope..no third party..well children..but no love triangle. I'm sure at times when we were not together (because we haven't been together all the time for the 4 year period) he has had dates or seen people or whatever..i know i have..but never anything much more than just that. We have been seperated (distance..living in different cities and sometimes different countries) for months, but regardless we always stay in touch and we always pick up right where we left off. I think this is what happens when you put two people together who have committment phobias...lol. Only i tell myself maybe we are not meant to be together and that's why we cant't pull this off after so long.
One other thing..i said how now he's been in touch and wants to talk about this and had nice things to say well that's right but i left something out ..he also made this comment..and it's bugging me..so if anyone has any input ..please let me have it!!! He said ...he knows what i mean by getting to the bottom of this..and he understands why i want to do it now and quickly... he sometimes thinks he does not want to be "tied down" but he soooooooooo misses me when we are not together and can't image me not having me in his life. Personally i totally get what he is saying but..that is no reason for us to try and make a relationship out of this...and..i think that this is just a part of us being dependant emotionally on each other and we have become more of a habit than a loving growing relationship. Any thoughts on how to take his comment?
I am sure that this guy is a lovely guy, otherwise why would you of seen him for over four years. But to be honest, I think you are both eating your cake,and having it too. Only difference is, now, the scales are becoming a little unbalanced because you want/need more that a long distance, occassional relationship (and let's face it - who would not want more???).
I too was in a relationship for five years, even lived with the guy, and to this day I can still say he was a wonderful, caring, kind person, one of the best. BUT he did not want a further committment eg. marriage/children which was really important to me. I eventually left and moved on, still think of him on occassion, but know deep in my heart that I made the right move for me. He probably still is a lovely/wonderful guy (in fact I am sure he is) but now that I can see the relationship objectively I think he never really wanted to "grow up" and face lifes responsibilities (ie. the Peter Pan syndrome). I think you have to choose whether you really need this type of person in your future. Maybe in 5 years time you will look back and find yourself in exactly the same postion if you don't make the necessary changes today. Remember "In life, you always get what you SETTLE for".
Perhaps you really need to make a CLEAN break, no contact, and see if this jolts him into the reality of life without you. If it does not.....then I think your path forward is very clear.
Oh and by the way I am now married, and have a gorgeous son and a baby on the way. Things I would have never had if I had of stayed with my ex.
