Recently our family made the decision to allow my oldest daughter the opportunity to live with my brother in DE to finish up her last year of High School in order to increase her chances of acceptance into a University there that she has her heart set on going to. She had spent the summer there as a mother's helper and had been looking at colleges and has no doubt in her mind that this is where she belongs enough to give up her last year with her friends & family. The University accepts over 65% of it's applicants instate and so while we know that this is the right thing to do it has been the most difficult thing to do as a family.
This morning I woke up after talking to my daughter last night, the night before her first day at her new High School which is almost 4 hours away from me. It was the first time that I was not given the opprotunity to snuggle in bed and talk to her about her new year at school.....her senior year and settle her in knowing that she would be tossing and turning all night just from the excitement of it all. We had to make the best of it by doing so over the phone which was such a poor substitute and after I hung up I remembered how each morning I would tuck a special note in her binder just from me wishing her a wonderful first day of school and wouldn't be able to this time. I had done this since kindergarten and all of a sudden it hit me that I couldn't do it. I kicked myself for not mailing a note off to my brother and I called back and asked my SIL to do so by proxy for me.
This morning my heart is so heavy.....my firsborn is so far away and I was just wondering if perhaps it will get better....Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-06-2005 at 06:48 AM.
I know this must be very hard for you Goody, but there comes a time when our children grow up and need to start their own lives. I'm sure your daughter will be missing you just as much as you miss her. However, you did say that she will be only four hours away while she finishes high school, am I correct? She can come down on the weekends to visit, so that shouldn't be too bad. I know the first born child has a special place in most mothers' hearts. I am a first born and I know my Mother and I share a special bond because of it.
However, I was not as fortunate, in that my Mother and I did not always get along too well, and when I moved out, she was actually quite relieved! But, it was the best thing for both of us. After I moved out, our relationship improved for the better, and we mended the animosities that previously existed between us.
I'm sure, in time, you will get used to your daughter's absence. Do you have any other children at home right now?
It is very hard for parents to let go of their children when they become adults, but it must be done. You can always continue to give her advice, but that doesn't necessarily mean she will take that advice. She will make lots of mistakes, but they will be her mistakes, and she will grow and learn from them.
I'm lucky because my daughter is attending college right here in our town and she still lives with me. Our relationship continues to improve as she gains her independence, and it is changing into a close friendship between the two of us. Of course, she will always be my baby, and I will always offer my advice. But I trust her judgment, and although she sometimes makes poor judgment calls and decisions, I know it is necessary for her to continue to grow into a mature adult woman.
Hang in there Goody. You can always vent here. We love you!
Goody, you and I have been way too quiet for too long...
And while I don't have children and cannot help you from that angle, I AM a daughter.
I am closer to my mother now than I ever was in my late teens and twenties.
She did her job - which wasn't keeping me home with her but instead readying me to be an independent productive caring person.
We talk about everything. She is my best friend - not because she held me too close but because she let me go.
Goody - I'm 120% certain it will get better for you in time. I think it's probably a little harder for you now even for most people since she's still in high school, and you probably weren't prepared for her to be leaving so soon, but once you see her grow and blossom and move closer to her dreams and building a wonderful life of her own, your pride and happiness for her will outweigh your loneliness and sadness. The empty nest syndrome is to be expected, but I know you will come shining through this and find ways to focus your time and energy onto your friends, your marriage, hobbies, community service, or whatever makes you feel a part of the race and involved and rewarded. And I'm sure you know as well that no matter how mature and independent your daughters get, they will always need you. Maybe you both will need to go through a bit of an adjustment period because they won't need you in exactly the same way or manner, but they will always need you. And don't forget, this is a wonderful time for you and Mr. Goody, too, to get to know each other as a couple again, or moreso.
I can imagine how you feel because I have a hard time letting go, too. Our children are precious to us, no matter what their age. I know it's very hard now, but it should get easier in time. The first time my son drove off in a car alone I was a nervous wreck. After a couple months without any problems, I don't worry as much.
A big hug from one mom to another.
Last edited by Hangin in There; 09-06-2005 at 04:03 PM.
What can I say everybody....thanks a million for your warm and loving thoughts. I feel so blessed to have come here after a tough day to read all your words of love and encouragement. It sure made it so much easier to get through the night when I would be talking to my daughter about the next day and such.
I am lucky to have a wonderful brother & SIL who have opened up their home & their hearts to my daughter so that she can have ths opportunity to follow her dream. My SIL called me this morning to let me know that K. got off to school okay and that she had tucked a note in her binder for me. And she went on to tell me what a wonderful mom I am and what a wonderful job I have done with K. who is a great and well adjusted young lady. My heart melted just hearing those words.
K. called me as soon as school let out to fill me in on her day. I sensed that it was difficult being in a new school with kids that have been together for a long time. She told me that she made a few new friends and that her favorite class was English. I commented that it must be due to a "hot" guy in her class and she surprised me by telling me that I was absolutley right but also that she liked her teacher. Turns out that 2 of her teachers graduated from the university she will be applying for and her English teacher even told her that she will assist her with her application and as well as her essay and that she had also written 9 letters for 9 students who applied last year and all 9 got accepted. She went on to say that she would be happy to write one for K. as well. Even when I start to question all of this as to whether we have done the right thing.....something like this happens to alleviate my concerns.
Anyway...I just wanted to thank each of you for your loving support on a really tough day. I knew that I could count on the wonderful people here to carry me through.
One thing I realized today is how fortunate I am to have IM, cell phones, and all the technological advantages that my parents lacked when I was away. And I am already planning K.'s first visit home. She will be coming home for her sister's Confirmation in November since she will be her sponsor and also to receive her Gold award as a Girl Scout that she worked very hard on acheiving at that time too. I am a little upset that I will not be with her for her 17th birthday which is exactly a week from today. But I will find a special way to celebrate......any ideas?????
Ruth....my lack of time here was due to spending as much time as possible with K. while she was home for a few weeks before returning to DE with my brother.
And GE, yes I do have another wonderful daughter who promises to shower me with double doses of hugs & kisses as I have promised to do the same for her because we are both missing K. so very much.
Hiya ~ Mr. Goody & I already have found advantages to having quiet moments....hehehehehehehehe But thanks for the reminder
HIT...thanks for the hug...somehow it feels so much more special when coming from another mom.
And Ruth.....thanks for being the twin who feels every joy and every pain.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-06-2005 at 06:17 PM.
Well Goody, we will be very glad to have you back here!
I can only imagine how hard this must be on you, though I am closer to GE's boat, where I did not have that close family bond.
But I can relate to your daughter's need to get out there and spread her wings, and have her family support and encourage her growth. And I know how devestating it can feel not to be given that chance, which is why I admire your choice so much. Only the strongest can let go - so we all know you will make it thru this.
Thanks, LMH The thing is that these past few years haven't been the easiest for my daughter & I. I have no doubt that her decision has nothing to do with wanting to be away from me and everything to do with her going after what she wants. We have cried many tears together since she asked us to be able to make this decision. And I cannot be prouder of how maturely she was able to do so. I know that she is sacrificing even more than me and up to the very last moment there wasn't a doubt in either of our minds that this was the right thing to do.
Amazingly she told me what I often share here....that most things in life take great risk and to her it was risking one year of her life for her entire future. I am still in awe that she was able to determine this at such a young age when it took me so much longer to realize the same. She feels that if she didn't take the risk & applied from here and didn't get in she'd always have regrets. So I couldn't agree more.....for if someone came asking what they should do being in my daughter's two shoes I would say that they should take the risk and follow their dreams. And that is just what she's doing so I am comforted by that.
Thanks for reminding me that in letting go we are able to grow stronger. Perhaps that will help you too LMH
I just wanted you to know that I think you made a wonderful (although bittersweet, I know) decision to give your daughter the chance to follow her dreams. As LMH stated, it takes a very brave person to let go of someone whom they love so much.
Although my mom and I don't always get along, we have always been very close. One year when we were doing some Christmas shopping we got into a big argument (over something silly I'm sure) and I was "maturely" giving her the silent treatment until she came over to where I was browsing and placed this little red velvelt pillow in front of me that said "smile if you've been nice". Well of course I couldn't keep the silent treatment up after reading that and we both started laughing ! That year I woke-up on Christmas morning to find a little red velvelt pillow next to my stocking--I'm sure you can guess what it said!! I still have that pillow and it always makes me smile when I see it. Anyway, I know that I am very fortunate to have to the imperfect, but very loving mom that I have been blessed with---I'm sure your daughter feels the very same !
ps---I'm glad to see you back here!!
Last edited by glamourgal; 09-06-2005 at 10:26 PM.
i know you miss her, but be happy and thankful that you have a motivated, intelligent daughter that wants to be successful. you know this is the best thing for her and she is living w someone you trust. its all part of growing up. my mom is the same as you.... ive been in college 4 yrs now only 2 hrs away and she still cries and im sure i will one day when my kids leave.....stay strong you know its for the best in her education!! xoxo
Hey, Ruth You're such a true friend who will always be joined in heart & soul as my cybertwin. You know just how to pull at my heartstrings that so very few know how to.
So long as I keep busy I am okay....it's the quiet times that I find it to be the hardest in terms of missing her.
Tuesday is K.s' birthday.....one of my best friends came up with a wonderful idea of how to go about making it special for her. He suggested that I put together a gift incorporating K.'s past, present & future. For her past I am going to have her high school friends sign a sweatshirt from her high school here and put it in a box with some other items, for the present we will get some items from the new high school she is attending such as a key chain and decal to place in the car she will be getting soon as well as a framed picture of our dinner table with her empty place set, and for the future my brother & SIL will get some items from the college she hopes to attend. I have written something to place in each box that should make the gift extra special.
That should keep me busy for a while. We talk every day by phone but it still is not the same as having her here. My heart aches as I feel a piece of it missing but I feel the permanent connection between mother & daughter that I know will never be severed no matter how far apart we may be!!!
Thanks, Ruth for caring enough to ask.....you made me feel better just by asking ((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody
PS ~ Since I know you love my poems I would like to share the one I wrote for K. the day that she left.
ON YOUR WAY
When you were born on a September Day
I was blessed in a million ways.
I held you up high into the air,
And offered God my praise.
"Dear Lord", I said with a joyful heart,
"I promise to do my part.
In guiding her through her nights & days,
to always live her life following Your ways."
I lowered you down and looked in your eyes,
seeing for the first time where God's love llies.
A mother & daughter whose hearts are bound,
by a love that only with sacrifice is found.
A labor of love that seems like the lightest of loads,
only to repeat itself as life unfolds.
Reminding us both that right from the start,
that no matter where, we're joined at the heart.
And so today as you go on your way,
I see that my prayers were answered on that September Day
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-08-2005 at 05:48 PM.
Hey, cybertwin I feel the heartstrings and will be beside you....it's funny but one of my favorite verses comes from the book of Ruth.
They actually have a song that has very special meaning to me when I was part of TEC in college. I wish to share it with you as a way of showing how I am always with you, my friend, during those low moments. It was when Ruth and her mother in law were going to face separation and Ruth reasssurred her by saying...
Where ever you go, I shall go,
wherever you live, so shall I live.
Your people will be my people,
and your God shall be my God too.
Where ever you die, I shall die
and there shall I be buried beside you.
We will be together forever....
and our love will be the gift of our lives.
I just booked a flight to surprise K. for her birthday!!! I just couldn't stay away because I was the one that popped her out into this world and I need to be there with her to celebrate another year of her life. It is a gift more to myself than to her. Of course my brother and SIL were more than accommodating