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Old 09-06-2005, 10:46 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: san jose, ca.
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TTBABM HB User
stay tru even if wife cheats ?

to know the whole story read my other post, basically my wife is having an affair it's all out in the open now (we are in counseling) she is torn on who she want's to be with. I have recently met a woman who asked me out, I was up front about my situation and told her it was friends only. well of course things started to heat up I have not at this point even kissed her she wants to but i have always believed in my vows even if my wife didn't. Now i am messed up. i have been married twice both spouses cheated on me and both times I have tried to be a good man and stay tru to myself. I want to persue this woman but i know if i wait till divorce is final i will lose her. i am tearing myself up inside i am so sick of dishonesty in relationships does anybody else have a similiar story or just want to respond.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 11:10 AM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: stay tru even if wife cheats ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TTBABM
to know the whole story read my other post, basically my wife is having an affair it's all out in the open now (we are in counseling) she is torn on who she want's to be with. I have recently met a woman who asked me out, I was up front about my situation and told her it was friends only. well of course things started to heat up I have not at this point even kissed her she wants to but i have always believed in my vows even if my wife didn't. Now i am messed up. i have been married twice both spouses cheated on me and both times I have tried to be a good man and stay tru to myself. I want to persue this woman but i know if i wait till divorce is final i will lose her. i am tearing myself up inside i am so sick of dishonesty in relationships does anybody else have a similiar story or just want to respond.
Well, you say you and your wife are in counseling, yet it sounds like neither of you have both feet in the marriage, in which case I think counseling is sort of a waste of time. I think counseling is only effective in keeping a marriage together if both people know they want their marriage to work and need help in figuring out how to make it work. But it sounds like neither you nor your wife are really 100% invested in the marriage, otherwise you'd both get rid of the other people who are tempting you, choose your marriage and focus totally on each other and doing what you have to in order to make your marriage work. Neither of you seem willing to do that. I agree, at the rate you're going, your marriage is going to end, but you're both dragging out the process and it won't become final probably for several years. How long a divorce takes depends on your state laws, how much property you own together, whether there are kids, and whether you both are in dispute about who should get what. I mean, look at it logically. It's like being on a diet and wanting to lose weight, but keeping a stash of greasy hamburgers and chocolate ice cream by your bed. All the fruit and vegetables and exercise in the world aren't going to help you lose weight until you stop eating the ice cream and hamburgers. I think you both have a choice to make. Do some soul searching about what you really want to do and then you can form a plan to get to where you really want to go. Do you want your marriage to work? If so, how is this new woman going to help in making your marriage better and getting you closer to your wife? If she isn't then your plan would be to get rid of her. Do you want your marriage to end? If so, then counseling is a waste of time and money. Call an attorney instead and get the ball rolling. Like Mr. Myagi said in the Karate Kid "karate yes, safe. Karate no, safe. Karate guess so, squish, just like grape." You're in the middle of the road. You'll be in limbo and in a constant state of confusion, stress and frustration as long as you're saying "marriage guess so."

Last edited by Hiya; 09-06-2005 at 11:20 AM.

 
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Old 09-06-2005, 11:10 AM   #3
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dsleik HB User
Re: stay tru even if wife cheats ?

im sorry youre going through such a difficult time, and have through both marriages. its amazing how honesty and staying true to a partner can slap you in the face in an instant. ive never cheated or been cheated on but i cant imagine your pain. youre right, love hurts and things happen when you least expect it. glad youre both in counseling. the fact that shes torn over who she wants, seems like shes playing a game. the fact that its her ex bf, is probably because she felt like he needed her, she missed his company etc. even if you were there for her when she needed you....that will be her excuse. if she doesnt know who she wants, then chances are its both of you so i would just say "youre not worth the pain, he can have you" you are clearly more deserving than someone who lies and cheats. if i were you id move on, even though it will hurt it will be the best thing for both of you. forgiving her for cheating shows that she can get away w it and walk all over you cuz she knows you will come back. youre not the stupid one, she is and im sure soon after 13 yrs of marriage , she will regret hurting you...but it will be too late. let her feel your pain. right now she is "having her cake and eating it too" besides for the fact that she could have diseases from the other guy, etc....i know you love her, but shes scum to me.

as far as the other girl you saw, the fact tthat you explained your situation to her ( which is good and honest of you) but that she still wants to kiss you when youre with your wife, isnt a good sign.youre telling her your wife cheats and yet this other lady doesnt care if you stay true to your vows?!?!......... i know your marriage may be over, but until the divorce is atleast in process, i wouldnt kiss her....youre still in your vows, and i think as an honest man, you can stay true to yourself and your cheating wife.

since youve been hurt more than once, i would take your next relationship much much slower........ if you want to pursue this other woman, get to know her as a friend first, especially before you get intimate. if shes willing to jump in bed w you pretty fast then shes not worth it either..... i hope shes the honest person youre looking for! there are those of us that dont cheat, dont worry and think every woman does..... you will find someoen more deserving of you who will respect you and your vows. good luck keep me posted! xoxo, stacey

 
Old 09-06-2005, 11:12 AM   #4
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: stay tru even if wife cheats ?

You know what?
No matter what someone has done TO you, YOU have to be able to live with yourself.

Your current situation beyond the fact that in your eyes you are married and the faithful type?
You're seeing a woman who knows that she is seeing a man that is married.
Does she sound like good potential "faithful" material?? No!

Deal with your current situation first. Settle whether you are married or divorced before dating.
And don't get married for at least two years if you do divorce.
Easy?
No - is anything easy when it's the "right thing to do"??

 
Old 09-06-2005, 03:11 PM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: san jose, ca.
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TTBABM HB User
Re: stay tru even if wife cheats ?

I Have Always Been 100% Into The Counseling Though I Guess I Just Did Not Want To Think She Is Not. Ruth I Agree That The Other Woman Probably Isn't Relationship Material, I Just Do Not Understand Why I Feel Like A Piece Of Crap Every Time I Talk To Her. Stacy I Will Take The Words To Heart, It's Tough To Read But I Have A Feeling You Hit It On The Head. The One Thing I Do Is Own Up To My Mistakes And Learn From Them. I Will Keep You Updated.

 
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