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Old 09-06-2005, 11:23 AM   #1
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zosolizard HB User
Question Having a hard time deciding to move on

I've been with my live-in BF for 5+ years. Things have changed a lot, and I am realizing that I just don't get what I need from him (affection, caring, a bigger commitment/marriage, help around the house, etc).

He cannot communicate at all, so talking to him just doesn't work. He will not see a counselor either, he feels that they are "quacks". sigh.

Everyone knows him as a "GREAT GUY" because he is truly very nice. Doesn't cheat, drink too much, etc. My family loves him - even Dad!

We have a dog together (who is like having a child, lol), and I'm just so used to having him around.

He went on vacation for a week recently, and I was really upset while he was gone. I thought I missed HIM, but I guess I just missed SOMEONE.

I'm going on 40, and scared of being alone. That was very hard for me to admit.

All of my friends are married, etc. My health isn't perfect........

Can anyone give me some words of wisdom?? I'm so afraid of just moving out & moving on. But I think I have to.

Thank you........

 
Old 09-06-2005, 03:04 PM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

I can understand your fear as well. I'm 40 also, and finding someone decent to even go on a date with has proven to be pretty impossible. At our age, it's very hard to find available, nice decent men to date, so the fear of being alone is very real and very understandable.

BUT...I guess the question you have to ask is, are you being true to yourself? Even if you had to live the rest of your life alone, would that be better, living alone but on your terms, than living the way you're living now? It seems you are making a lot of compromises in order to be with this guy, and he doesnt' seem to make you very happy anymore. Would you be happier on your own?

This is a very personal decision, and I don't think anyone can really advise you on what you should do. You have to choose what is right for you. I had a nice guy once, and our relationship was far far from perfect, and I was dissatisfied in the end, and I think my ambivolence and unwillingness to compromise did a lot to push him away. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have tried harder to make the relationship work, to sacrifice what I had to in order to make him happier with me. But that doesn't mean that's what you should do. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to live the rest of your life like you are living now, or be alone on your own terms, and maybe, just maybe, even meet someone who is more suitable and compatible for you. It's harder at our age, but not totally impossible.You want to be married, it seems, but he is not willing to even discuss it? Well, I think you deserve to have dreams of marriage and you deserve to want that if that's what you want. Since you can't change his behavior, the only thing you can do is change the way you react to his behavior. Do you love him enough to give up on your dream of marriage and a legal commitment? He's making you choose, marriage or him. So, choose, and tell him your choice and why, and what you expect to get in return for your choice. It sounds like maybe he's been apathetic in the relationship because you've let him, and by doing so you've been apathetic as well. Take some control. If you love him enough to give up on dreams of marriage, then tell him. Tell him "ok, you don't want to get married. It's always been a big dream of mine to be legally wed, to have that commitment, to have the beautiful wedding day and all, but because I love you, and I expect to live the rest of my life with you, I am willing to give up that dream for you." But to protect yourself and your assets, consult an attorney to see what you can do regarding a common law agreement should you split up sometime in the future and ask him if he'd be willing to sign it. But at some point you must take responsibility for your own course. It very well could be he's being so stubborn and apathetic because he just doesn't want the relatioship anymore, but doesn't have the energy/guts/heart to end it, and is trying to make you end it by refusing to take any of your needs into consideration. Nice guys fall out of love, too.

 
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Old 09-07-2005, 08:11 AM   #3
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Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughful response, I really appreciate it. It did help me - i need to just think about everything you mentioned. And yes - maybe he has fallen out of love & just doesn't have the energy to end things either. He does seem to be the type to just stay in a situation for longer than he should (past jobs, etc).

Thanks very much!

 
Old 09-07-2005, 12:34 PM   #4
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Hiya HB User
Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

Quote:
Originally Posted by zosolizard
I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughful response, I really appreciate it. It did help me - i need to just think about everything you mentioned. And yes - maybe he has fallen out of love & just doesn't have the energy to end things either. He does seem to be the type to just stay in a situation for longer than he should (past jobs, etc).

Thanks very much!
Glad to have been of help. Just follow your bliss. Life's too short to be unhappy.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 01:11 PM   #5
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dsleik HB User
Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

if you cant agree on counseling i would suggest on having a deep conversation together....i know he wont communicate but you need to put your feelings out in the open. tell him youre missing out on being happy and you are down to your last thread. he needs to tell you one way or another, if he wants you to stay or go and what he can do to prove he wants to be w you. have you ever discussed marriage in a time you thought you were happy w him? being w a "great guy" doesnt mean your relationship will be pure bliss. you need the attraction, love, caring, compatibilty that makes you want to be together. maybe because hes so nice, you guys can remain friends and you can move on. youre scared to be alone, dont suffer w someone who isnt making you happy. try and talk this out w him, if he wont, then id say youre done and got the hint. i hope it works for the best! good luck

 
Old 09-07-2005, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

I wanted to thank you as well. These are the things I would probably tell my own friends had they come to me with a similar story. Sometimes its just hard to take your own advice - and it helps to have someone else tell you what you need to do.

We did talk about marriage a few times, and he always got very defensive, saying "someday" "I'm not ready" "what's the rush", etc...... but always left me to feel that it was going to eventually happen. I just didn't realize he meant in 40 years, lol.

I'm going to talk to him, tell him how I feel, and ask him how he feels. Most likely he will just say "I don't know". DOH!

Thanks again!

 
Old 09-07-2005, 06:08 PM   #7
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evy38 HB User
Re: Having a hard time deciding to move on

40 isn't to old to marry, if that is what you want. It would be more difficult then it would for a younger woman, but not impossible, if you were willing to really work at it. Really make it a goal and do the endless dating you'd need to do to find a man with your same goals, one that you click with.
But, if that is your goal, and this relationship isn't getting you any closer to it, you really don't have that much more time to spend on it.

 
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