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Old 09-06-2005, 12:22 PM   #1
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Bubbly23 HB User
Is it just me?

Hi

I used to post on this site on the depression board, over the last couple of years i have become a lot better but i still cant help putting every one of my emotions down to the depression, that still rears its head now and then.

Anyway, im having a bit of a problem now knowing if its me being stupid, or weird, or does anyone else relate to this?

Nearly a year ago i was working with a guy who had a girlfriend, yet over time we both got on sooo well, and we both knew there was a huge chemistry between us. Well after a couple of friendly nights out we ended up kissing and one thing led to another and this carried on for a couple of months. I know this was really wrong because he had a girlfriend, and i would never do this again, but i fell deeply in love with this man, we laughed, talked for hours, felt like soul mates, but he was never prepared to leave his girlfriend, partly as there was no guarentee that me and him would last and he would maybe regret 'dumping' her (cowardly i guess?) and partly as i was due to go away for 6 months to another city. Well we ended the 'relationship' as we both knew it was wrong and immoral, and i went away. Now i am back, and working back with him and its just hell. He is still with his girlfriend and i have accepted that, as much as i can....but at work it is just SOOOOO cringingly akward. When we are in the same room together i am wracking my brains for something to say, make small talk, light conversation etc...but i totally clam up inside and feel and feel i just cant talk to him. I wish i could just be normal around him, we could have the laughs that we used to and i could be mature about it all....instead of quiet and closed up around him.... I want him to see i am ok with everything, that i have moved on, but i get so so uncomfortable and drive home mentally kicking myself for not being able to relax and for acting such a weirdo.

Is it just me? Am i weird for feeling like this.....i havent got great self esteem and have to constantly give myself pep talks to be strong and mature about things...but once im at work with him i just cannot access that part of me...

Should i speak to him about it? Should i ask if he feels the same. Party of me thinks it will break the ice, and part of me doesnt want him to know i feel like that. I want him to think i am strong and not bothered...i dunno

Its so hard...any advice really appreciated.

 
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Old 09-06-2005, 03:31 PM   #2
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Is it just me?

Well, in answer to your question. First of all, you should never have gotten involved with this man in the first place. The reason you did was, to be quite truthful, probably due to some lack of self esteem. You knew he was involved with someone else and continued to see him. You practically invited the heartache which then ensued. Never get involved with a married or attached man. Not only do you get hurt, but you also run the risk of hurting others, including the other woman involved and possibly a family, if the man has one.

Continue to build and work on your self esteem issues. It takes time and practice. I, myself, had very low esteem at one point and had to do a lot of inner work to get it back up where it is now.

Just try to avoid this man at work as much as possible. There is no need for you to act friendly with him or even talk to him, unless you have no choice due to work related issues. If you must talk to him, make it as professional as possible.

Just try to learn from this experience and don't continue to beat yourself up over it. Next time around, you won't make the same mistake. Good luck!

 
Old 09-06-2005, 05:34 PM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Is it just me?

I agree with Greeneyes: NEVER get involved with a man who's already taken, unless he leaves his girlfriend first. In your current situation, I would avoid this man and not talk to him about anything personal. Why would you want to be with somone who is so eager to cheat on his long-term partner? Most likely, he would do the same to you.

 
Old 09-06-2005, 09:07 PM   #4
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dsleik HB User
Re: Is it just me?

why would you want to be w a man who cheats on his gf? obviously, if you were together, he would cheat on you too........ no way he can be your soulmate and be in a healthy relationship. NO WAY, sorry. avoid him and you wont feel awkward. would you want to be cheated on and have no idea??

 
Old 09-07-2005, 09:45 AM   #5
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Bubbly23 HB User
Re: Is it just me?

Thank you for your replies - but i do know i was wrong to get involved with him...and ive learnt alot from that, being involved with a man who is with someone else really wasnt the issue i was talking about...its in the past but i appreciate your advice. It is very hard to avoid him as we work so closely together. Thank you anyway for taking the time to reply

 
Old 09-07-2005, 01:13 PM   #6
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dsleik HB User
Re: Is it just me?

i know it will be hard to avoid him, but know whats best for you.. know you cant be happy w him knowing he is dishonest in his relationship. good luck and be strong

 
Old 09-07-2005, 05:55 PM   #7
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evy38 HB User
Re: Is it just me?

I can see you've learned alot from this experience. Greeneyes is right. The thing to do now is continue to work on yourself. If you do, those feelings you have, around him, will subside. Talk to him only about business, during business hours.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 06:17 PM   #8
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stuckmissy HB User
Re: Is it just me?

Greeneyes...when you truely come to terms with how this situation played out it will be easier to face him and be around him..although i don't envy you for having to do it..not at all. Shed your guilt...convince yourself your over him...remember all your great qualities and why you deserve better..and eventually you will gain the confidence needed to face him and it will get a little easier. It may always be a little awkward..but it eventually won't consume you like it is now. I'm wondering however if your thinking about what he is thinking? If so try to stop that and keep the focus on you. That's the best place to put your energy.
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Old 09-07-2005, 06:26 PM   #9
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evy38 HB User
Re: Is it just me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Krissy44
Greeneyes...when you truely come to terms with how this situation played out it will be easier to face him and be around him..although i don't envy you for having to do it..not at all. Shed your guilt...convince yourself your over him...remember all your great qualities and why you deserve better..and eventually you will gain the confidence needed to face him and it will get a little easier. It may always be a little awkward..but it eventually won't consume you like it is now. I'm wondering however if your thinking about what he is thinking? If so try to stop that and keep the focus on you. That's the best place to put your energy.
Wow does Krissy make a point. How many of us break up with a guy and then devote ourselves to worrying about how he is feeling instead of our feelings? We think we are moving on, but we don't really, until our focus is on our feelings and needs only.

 
Old 09-09-2005, 06:56 AM   #10
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Re: Is it just me?

I agree - Krissy you made a really great point. I am constantly wondering what he is thinking - worrying what he thinks of me and being really self conscious aorund him - well youre right, i should just focus on myself. Thank you

Greeneyes, thankyou for your long reply - i really appreciate your honesty. No one is perfect, a lot of people are black and white and think that anyone who cheats deserves no happiness....but its not always true. Until you have been in that situation i guess its hard to understand. The man i went with is a very caring, moral man who will do anything for anyone, and was never out to hurt anyone, we just had such a deep understanding of eachother and friendship and we both gave in to it, something we know was wrong.

Greeneyes - you say you wish that guy had got you away from your boyfriend...do u mean the one you are with still now? I hope you arent in a bad situation - if i can be of any help just ask...

Thanks for the understanding and advice

Bubbly

 
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