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Old 09-07-2005, 02:17 PM   #1
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How do you meet someone?!?

Just clueless as clueless gets in this regard, I've only gone on a handful of dates since high school (I'll be 26 in November.. to give an idea of how long that's been)

I don't know how to talk to girls.. how to approach them.. how to converse with them and on and on.

I think it's likely at least in part due to underlying self esteem issues. I can't stand the person that I am, don't find myself to be an attractive person, don't find myself to have a good personality and on and on. Have fears of rejection also, which obviously don't help any.

I'm lonely as lonely gets and want to meet that special someone, as I get upset and angry when I see couples. I think to myself "why can't that be me?"

Just have no idea where to even begin

 
Old 09-07-2005, 02:32 PM   #2
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeRandomDude
I think it's likely at least in part due to underlying self esteem issues. I can't stand the person that I am, don't find myself to be an attractive person, don't find myself to have a good personality and on and on. Have fears of rejection also, which obviously don't help any.

Just have no idea where to even begin
Hi Dude A good beginning would be to work on the issues that have to do with the way you feel about your self. How you see yourself often projects onto others. How can you do this???

What do you enjoy doing??? Do you have any hobbies or interests??? Do you like your job?? Often with men they are able to best measure their worth in terms of what they can master at. For instance....if you are a photogapher and you take some pictures and make a porfolio demonstrating all your best pix than you have some hing that you are passionate about and that you feel that you are good at. Once you feel good at what you do you can't help but see how much you have to offer to others. Also....if you have something that you dislike about yourself physically such as weight issues....join a gym and make any changes you can so that you can feel better about yourself.

Once you feel good about yourself you are ready to share that self with others. You cannot expect others to like you if you are unable to like yourself. So think about learning to like yourself better and then you will be ready to go on to finding someone else who will like you too. Hope this helps.

~ Goody

 
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Old 09-07-2005, 02:41 PM   #3
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Don't really have much in the way of hobbies, as for being interested in something.. while at this point don't really have much in the way of that either.

I play the guitar, but quite poorly.. so joining a club or something related to that is out.

I realize and acknowledge that my lack of self esteem is the main factor in my feeling alone in this world.

Just don't see that changing anytime soon, I'm a definite skeptic when it comes to therapy, though I do plan on starting eventually.

The way I see it, there's quite possibly not a Dr. qualified enough to help me out.

I've also thought about geting on some antidepressants, to see if they help me feel any better about myself, but I'm an even bigger skeptic in that regard.

Basically it just hurts deeply to see others find that someone, while I forever remain alone.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 02:44 PM   #4
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

why don't you try a personal ad on the internet?
you chat and get comfortable talking before you actually meet

 
Old 09-07-2005, 02:47 PM   #5
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

I tried the online route, and upon meeting the girl everything was still awkward.

I'm awkward socailly in general. For example my roommate convinced me to go to a bar awhile back and I went.. but sat in a corner twidiling my thumbs for about 15 minutes and then left.

Around 1:30 AM that same day, a bunch of people from the bar show up along with my roommate and I end up going to my room and sitting there as soon as I see people walk in, bored as can be.. but at least I did'nt have to deal with my social ineptness

Perhaps I need to stop being such a weenie and just go for it.

If i get rejected, move on to the next person.

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 09-07-2005 at 02:50 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:05 PM   #6
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Could you by chance have a social anxiety issue??? Do you feel uncomfortable when going out with others or getting together with a large crowd say at a party or something?? Just a thought.....Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-07-2005 at 03:07 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

I've got a laundry list of mental issues.

Severe depression... self worth issues... social anxiety.

You name it and I likely have it.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:12 PM   #8
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

I suggest you see a doctor, get some counseling and work on your self esteem issues. If you're not confident and don't love yourself, it's hard for you to love others or for them to love you.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:33 PM   #9
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Fair enough, just have to convince myself that seeking help won't be a waste of time and/or money.

I'm just very skeptical about it doing any good.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
I suggest you see a doctor, get some counseling and work on your self esteem issues. If you're not confident and don't love yourself, it's hard for you to love others or for them to love you.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:57 PM   #10
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Are you able to hold a job? If so, would you have benefits to help pay for most of the cost of treatment?

If you are unemployed, there is probably free or low cost counseling available. You'll just have to do a little research.

Really, what do you have to lose except your problems? You're already unhappy. Things can only get better if you seek help. Honestly, I feel you're in no way ready for a relationship, You simply wouldn't be good for anyone right now until you feel better about yourself. It's depressing for the other person to be around someone who is always down. I urge you to seek help.

Good luck.

 
Old 09-07-2005, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Ok, first of all the real reason I opened this thread was because of your screen name!
SomeRandomDude
First off that gave me the sense that you have a wicked/wry/fun sense of humor!

And after I read your opening post and then the one's remaining - I have to tell you that the RIGHT therapist will do wonders. I have mental health issues but after a long long time of working on them I turned out pretty darned social!
Had jobs working WITH people that helped me tune up my skills.
Even met a guy and got married when I was 35!! Been married 16 years and I still use alot of the skills that therapy gave me.
But it's like any relationship - if the one you're with isn't the right one for you it's time to move on and find the right therapist.
You may not need a psychiatrist for heaven's sake. Maybe just the local mental health clinic & a social worker.

The thing is, from your posts I'm hearing a guy who can communicate quite well on paper. That's the first step & you're already ahead of tons of other people!
Don't let skepticism or fear of the unknown get in your way.
Even practicing having conversations in front of the bathroom mirror is a good start!!

P.S. This "attractive" issue you mentioned has me at a loss. If I stop & think about it I'd have to say that Mr. Ruth isn't Matt Damon or Ben Affleck - but the RIGHT person won't stop and think about how you look anymore than I think about how Mr. Ruth looks. Case closed!

And I don't know if this is even remotely helpful, but in my part of the midwest they have groups called "EA" Emotions Anonymous. If you feel powerless over your emotions - depression, social anxiety, shyness, etc what better place to start than with people who feel like you do?

Ok, sorry this went on so long - must be that clever screen name of yours!!!!!!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 09-07-2005 at 03:59 PM.

 
Old 09-08-2005, 02:20 AM   #12
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

I agree with HIT--what do you have to lose at this point? It sounds like you're pretty unhappy with your life as it is, so why not try something different? Things aren't going to change if you keep on doing the same things you've always done...I really think that it's your depression telling you that therapy won't work. However, I'm not sure Ruth is correct that you don't need a psychiatrist, because your case sounds like exactly the sort of situation that often benefits greatly from medication, which only psychiatrists (MDs) can prescribe. SSRIs like Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, and Celexa can work wonders for both severe depression and social anxiety disorder--and isn't it worth a shot if there is something that could help make you feel better about yourself and more in control of your life? It may take some trial and error before you find the right medication and dosage which has a beneficial effect without troubling side effects, but please give it a chance. You don't have to go on feeling so miserable and isolated...there is help out there that can be extremely effective for people with the same disorders that are troubling you! It's really a symptom of your disorders that you are so skeptical and pessimistic about the chances of anything or anyone being able to help, which is why mental illness and treatment can be such a challenge. But please realize that you don't have to continue living the way you are living; it's clearly making you very unhappy and it really doesn't seem like you have anything to lose by seeing a psychiatrist. There are so many people who have felt just like you, completely hopeless and isolated and miserable, who were all but certain there was nothing to be done to help, whose lives were turned around dramatically with the help of a good psychiatrist, talk therapy, and patience and a willingness to experiment with different medications. I can't urge you strongly enough to give this a try, as the potential upside is enormous compared to any possible negative outcomes. It really sounds like a chemical imbalance may be responsible for a lot of the problems you are experiencing, and it would be a terrible shame for you to continue to live with such burdens and such unhappiness when it's not necessary for you to do so. Not seeking help for mental illness is like condemning yourself to a life without hope of improvement...it makes no more sense than avoiding treatment for any other medical/physical ailment. Since your disorders are quite possibly physical in origin, I think it would be a mistake not to see a psychiatrist instead of or in addition to any other kind of therapist without a medical degree and license. Just try to keep an open mind, be as positive as you possibly can, and realize that it may take trying several different psychiatrists and medication(s) before you find an effective treatment, but I assure you it will be well worth the effort. Good luck and please take care of yourself...

 
Old 09-08-2005, 05:47 AM   #13
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

i agree with others posted

work on your self worth issues. find out who you are, and what you want in life... find some hobbies that interest you. it's easier to attract someone when your vibrant and interesting (which you are, but the hobbies and life in generall reflect that, you dont want to be sending the wrong message)

most of all get out there. with guys and girls and just interact.

 
Old 09-08-2005, 06:31 AM   #14
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

SomeRandomDude ~ I love the name too and thought I would let you know that there is nothing random about the way you feel.

I couldn't stop thinking about your concerns because I don't think there is anyone in this world, myself included, who hasn't to some lesser or greater degree felt the way you do at some point in their lives. Afterall, we aren't born with a great sense of worth....I believe it is something that grows as we do in life. Perhaps somehow you just weren't environmentally exposed to outside factors that would have facilitated the process a little bit easier. In any case, it is not too late for you or anyone to expose themselves in life to facilitate a way in which you can learn to love and feel about yourself the way in which you deserve to be loved. And to expect to know or identify this automatically is a misconception.

Getting help may be a first step.....somehow you skipped over a process that happens naturally after we are born and interact with the world & those around us. Like I said we all have felt alone, ugly, unloved, and incapable of meeting somebody who will love us like we need to be loved. For me that time was in Junior High School. At that time I joined Youth Group at my church and I guess that facilitated my ability to discover that I was a good person with talents that could be shared with others. For me it was my compasssion and eagerness to help others. The more I did, the more I felt a purpose and fulfillment in my life. I think that is what you need to do....find something that you are good at and use it to share with others to identify your purpose & passion in life. Once you discover the things that you are passionate about you will be able to see your goodness and what it is that allows you to be the great person that you were created to be. And once you can see the goodness within..... will be able to project that goodness outward for others to see who will be attracted to it. For if we sit with ourselves and do not see the goodness we possess it makes it all the more difficult for others to recognize it or be attracted to it.

I often do an exercise with myself that you may find helpful as well. I picture myself on my worst day....with a frown on my face, removed and self absorbed almost to the point of self pity. And I see myself all alone. Then I picture myself on my best day, having just received great news, smiling & bursting with joy wanting to share it with others and wanting them to feel the same. And I see myself with others who also are smiling and huddled around me wanting to share in my joy.

It is only natural that people will want to be around someone who feels good about themselves, who even on the worst of days can hold their head up high & smile knowing that they may meet up with someone who will comfort them with another smile and even if they don't that tomorrow will be another day. It is so much easier being with a person who is able to do that than someone who reflects sadness and is withdrawn not seeking the revitalization & happiness that they know that they deserve and will soon be coming across.

How can you get from being one way to another??? It comes when you are able to change your mindset and seek out the things that make you feel a purpose in your life, that bring a smile to your face and allow you to know that no matter what you are a good person whether you have bad days or good.

I will not ignore the possiblity that there may be mental issues or a chemical imbalance that may be getting in the way of your being able to acheive this. That is why, as others have advised here, that it would be a great start to be medically evaluated and as Ruth suggested, perhaps join a group where people may be feeling the same as you and there is no better way to move forward than with somebody else who is walking in your 2 shoes. You may need the assistance of a medication to get you there....in any case it is not how you get there but getting you there that counts the most.

Just wanted to remind you that you are not alone in what you are feeling and to not give up hope in finding the happiness and smiles in your life that you so deserve ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-08-2005 at 06:38 AM.

 
Old 09-08-2005, 01:19 PM   #15
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Re: How do you meet someone?!?

Thanks everyone for the replies, I've read through each and every one of them and it truly helps knowing that people care enough to reply.

I have come to understand, that only I can change my predicament and while I know it will likely take some effort, even after getting my mental situation squared away......

I am hopeful that once that's taken care of, I will have a positive enough outlook and care about myself enough, to simply let things fall into place.... Not rush them but let it happen when it happens and in the meantime not dwell over it, or beat myself up so badly because of it.

I vow to seek help, the hard part's going to be sticking to that vow, something I've long had trouble doing.

Special thanks to anyone who mentioned liking my name, I thought it had a nice creative ring to it when I choose it

 
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