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Old 09-08-2005, 05:15 PM   #1
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mistycatt HB User
How do I cope? I am hopeless

Hello everyone,

On tuesday, My husband left and went to his parents house. He says that I don't make him feel like a man anymore, and that I complain to much. He says he is not happy anymore. He says he still loves me and will always love me but is tired of the fighting and thinks it won't change

I have been with him for 10 years and we have so much together. I don't know how to deal with this, I have not been to work all week and have been crying all day, and my kids know something is wrong.

I feel so hopeless, all I know is being with him. I have no one, friends, etc to talk to. I don't know what to do. I am home all day thinking and dwelling on it.

I know it affects my husband because he gets emotional everytime we talk, he says he can't sleep or eat. I asked him if he still loves me then why don't you come home, and he said he does not want to go through this again and that is to painful.

How do I cope??

 
Old 09-08-2005, 07:36 PM   #2
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Misty ~ I am sorry to hear about all of this. Did you have any idea that this was coming??? I mean, there must have been some signs that things were not right before he went off to his parents.

Men do not respond well to chronic complaining. It wears them down and what they need most from us is our love & respect. I have a feeling that is what he meant when he told you that you do not make him feel like a man anymore.

I think that you should give him some time to really think. And in the meantime you need for the sake of your kids to hold things together and keep going to work as hard as it may be. It's only been 2 days and hopefully by the weekend your husband will contact you. I suggest that perhaps you try to relay to him how you feel about your marriage & what you propose to do to try to save it. You must be willing to follow through.

More information would help in terms of advising you better. What do you see as the main problems in your marriage??? And what do you think your husband sees as the main problem???

Remember....a little time and space when there is a crisis allows us to see things a little more clearly. Allow your husband the time and by Sunday if you haven't heard from him call him and calmly tell him how you would like to try to work this out and ask him what he sees as a way in which he sees the two of you working through this. And listen...no complaining....really listen and let him know how much you want this to work out.

Please take care of yourself and keep busy with the kids. How old are they??? If they ask what's wrong try to be honest enough to tell them that you had a fight with daddy and you are trying to work it out. Assure them that both of you love them very much. I hope this helps a little ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-08-2005 at 07:39 PM.

 
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Old 09-08-2005, 09:55 PM   #3
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

This is a hard time for you both right now. Clearly he loves you and you him. He is going to be emotional it is not an easy thing he has done. However he may truly believe he is doing the right thing and at the right time. I couldn't possible know that one way or the other.
He may be feeling inadequate and thus not feel like a man. Please do try and go to work and live your life as normal as possible..as you have been already advised here. I know that this will be the only thing on your mind and it will occupy your time however even going threw the motions can be beneficial. I agree that you need to think of what has been going on and what needs to be worked on and really honestly how and in what way you both can begin to repair. I could suggest counseling and perhaps your husband would be open to that, I do not know. At this point a calm discussion on just looking for solutions would be a place to start. Will he agree to look for solutions? It's hard to say without knowing the details. I left a relationship years ago and it made me sick to do it but it was extremely unhealthy and was the right thing to do. I was an emotional wreck..but I have no idea what issues you and your husband are dealing with. You still have to be mom..that is not going to change so there is a good place to put some focus. Sorry your going threw this. It must be extremely difficult, you will get threw, I know it doesn't feel that way right now but you will. Take care of those children and take care of yourself. It's hard to think clearly when your emotions are so high but try and do some serious thinking and planning on how your going to approach things between you and your husband. There are ups and downs in relationships and this could end up being a dip in your long lifeline together.
This is a hard time for you both right now. Clearly he loves you and you him. He is going to be emotional it is not an easy thing he has done. However he may truly believe he is doing the right thing and at the right time. I couldn't possible know that one way or the other.
He may be feeling inadequate and thus not feel like a man. Please do try and go to work and live your life as normal as possible..as you have been already advised here. I know that this will be the only thing on your mind and it will occupy your time however even going threw the motions can be beneficial. I agree that you need to think of what has been going on and what needs to be worked on and really honestly how and in what way you both can begin to repair. I could suggest counseling and perhaps your husband would be open to that, I do not know. At this point a calm discussion on just looking for solutions would be a place to start. Will he agree to look for solutions? It's hard to say without knowing the details. I left a relationship years ago and it made me sick to do it but it was extremely unhealthy and was the right thing to do. I was an emotional wreck..but I have no idea what issues you and your husband are dealing with. You still have to be mom..that is not going to change so there is a good place to put some focus. Sorry your going threw this. It must be extremely difficult, you will get threw, I know it doesn't feel that way right now but you will. Take care of those children and take care of yourself. It's hard to think clearly when your emotions are so high but try and do some serious thinking and planning on how your going to approach things between you and your husband. There are ups and downs in relationships and this could end up being a dip in your long lifeline together.
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Old 09-09-2005, 04:20 AM   #4
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Misty--

This same thing happened to me last February. 10 yrs of marriage, 2 kids. I was where you are right now, and I wouldn't wish this time on my worst enemy. I wouldn't and didn't believe anyone that I would EVER be ok again. I lost mega amts of weight, and thought I would just die. My eyes swelled shut from crying. My H, too went to his parents, said all those same things.

I ended up finding out that there was another woman, altho he never admitted to it, I know. I got thoroughly checked out, got a therapist, huddled with my kidds, and cried it out for a bout a month, month and a half. Then I started realizing that I wasn't crying for what WAS--but for what should have been, and that I deserved much better.

I rekindled old friendships, joined a gym, gutted my house, and started making a list of things I could do--just for me. Slowly, I started to come out of it--believe it or not. I realized that there was life out there and I was enjoying it again. I made new friends--actually sought them out like when we were kids--and it worked. I have a ton of great new friends, and we go out lots--that helped a lot.

Now--I wouldn't get back with my H if my life depended on it!! I deserve way more out of a relationship--and only time and distance let me know this. When people used to say, "You're young. You're so pretty. You are not going to have any problem!!" I would go off on them. It was the furthest thing from my mind in the stage you are in. But I swear, it does get easier if you take this time to journal a lot, explore yourself--what YOU want out of life, read books, stay busy, and let yourself grieve this loss.

I hope you will post and let us know how you are progressing. I develpoed a very good friendship with a neighbor during this difficult time, and she was my rock. We are great friends now, and talk every day. Sometimes you can make a good friend when you least expect it. Do surround yourself with as many good, self esteem building people as you can possibly find. Hang in there, girl!! I promise you will feel better.

 
Old 09-09-2005, 06:04 AM   #5
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Hi Mistycatt,

I know what you are going through I am going through the same thing as you. The man I have been with for 6 years and have been engaged to for 2 has decided that he no longer wants our relationship either. We own a house together and he is also the only person I have close to me all my family and friends live in my home state. Just like your husband is very emotional so is my ex fiance (love of my life) he cries but says that he just cant do it anymore. I am so confused as things were always good we both have our issues as everyone does but we were the best of friends.

My heart breaks for you because I know how awful this is! All I can say is that you are going to be on an emotional rollar coaster that is what I feel like. One minute Im crying my eyes out the next minute I am so angry and confused and just wonder what is wrong with him as surely you dont just up and end a relationship that so much time and love has been invested in. At first I tried to hang on to him with dear life but realized that was pushing him further away. So now I am just trying to figure out my own life which is not easy at all as everything is in limbo and it is the worst. Just this morning on the way to work I broke down in tears and wondered when will I possibly be able to cope and move forward?

I know you said that you have not been to work all week well for me work has been an outlet. Please try to go back to work restoring some routine and normalcy will help you I promise! I dragged myself in and somehow it has helped me. This will be a long painful journey but somehow all of us will make it. I wish I could tell you how to feel better but really we need to grieve right now. Hang in there!!!!

We are here to support you anytime!!!

 
Old 09-09-2005, 09:20 AM   #6
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

I guess my question would be what are the two of you fighting about? If he states you complain all the time, what are you complaining about? You too must not be happy either.
I think getting to the root of the problem is your first step. Then the two of you can decide if the marriage is worth saving.

 
Old 09-09-2005, 03:24 PM   #7
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Hello everyone, and thank you for the encouraging and postive words.

I guess from what I gather it has been a long time coming. He says I complain about his friends, his extra cirricular activities. and no I did not see it coming, however, I noticed that we started fighting again. My husband plays baseball 3 nights a week, stays out to have a beer with his friends afterwards, and 90 percent of the time I start a fight with him about it. and then he plays on the weekends. I on the other hand have no friends, don't go anywhere and am always stuck with the kids. In that sense, I tell him it is not fair. We fight about little things, and then I started accusing him of other women being around. He has never given me a reason to think that, but I know how women are and I see it for myself at the games. If he was cheating on me, I would find out. For one thing I am very close to his mother and she and his dad know all the same people and some one would slip. Right now we are getting support from his family. His dad and mom have spoken to me and him and they want to get us together to find a resolution.

I have spoken to my husband, and he says he still loves me but he does not know what he wants right now. My husband does not like conflict and is really easy going, and unfortunatley, I really see what is wrong with our relationship. And It is a majority of my fault. I do ***** and complain, and maybe some of the times, I could have just done it and avoided a fight.

I am really sad. I am crying, I don't know what to do with myself, I am hiding this from my parents and family because I don't want them to know. I am just dying inside, and the worst thing is I am waiting on him. I want to be with him and he does not know. The sad thing is we have 2 kids, a beautiful home.

I realize that I have done a lot and now it's to late. Atleast I hope it is not. I asked him if he still loves me, why not come home and try and work it out, and he says that he believes this will happen again. He did come home last night, but he said mainly because of the kids. I tried to hug him but he did not want to, he said that everything was not okay.

Sometimes I wonder if there is someone else, but I have checked his phone cell phone bills, etc, and there is nothing out of the norm. His Father asked him also and he said there is no one else but me.

This is so hard.

 
Old 09-09-2005, 05:59 PM   #8
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Quote:
Originally Posted by mistycatt
I on the other hand I have no friends, don't go anywhere and am always stuck with the kids. In that sense, I tell him it is not fair.
Hi, Misty You are suffering from what I would like to refer to as "My husband must be my best friend sydrome"!!! Because you have no friends, no hobbies, no interests, you are expecting your husband to fill a void that is really selfish and unreasonable of you to expect of him. That is where our best friends come in.

Please do not be offended because to some extent I was in a similar situation as you not too long ago. I am sure that if you had a hobby or interest that your husband would make himself available to watch the kids so that you could attend....am I right??? I think it is time that you find something that you can do that you find satisfying. You need to get out and meet some friends....join a club, volunteer in school, be a Girl Scout leader, class mom, library helper......anything that puts you out there with other women that share common interests. If your children are preschoolers join a mommy & me group. Do you expect your husband to be your only source of entertainment & socialization??? Think of how unrealistic and smothering that can be. Men like women who have their own interests and passions in life. It's attractive for them to see you doing something that interests you and makes you happy. It is when you expect them to be your sun, moon & stars that has them falling off their axis. I am sure that like I once did, when your husband walks in the door at the end of the day and you have had an entire day of kids and no adult contact that you are just dying for your husbands attention. But sometimes we forget how they have just come home from a long day of work and are looking to unwind and the last thing they need to hear is an earful of what craziness occurred during the day and the newest complaint or househod chore that needs to be done. It only wears them down.

With some help around here I learned that it's great to turn all that energy and find another human being who doesn't live with you 24/7....a friend or other mothers who share the same hardships and can relate to what you are experiencing on a day to day basis. That way by the time your husband gets home the frustration has been relieved and if anything you can give him the resolved version after he has unwound a little bit thus making it an easier transition when you share time at the end of each day. You need to find a network of friends...here at Healthboards is a great start.

You will find, as I did, that while getting support here you will be less stressed and have less to complain about with your husband. Focus on yourself at this time. It sounds as if the demands of motherhood may have caused you to forget about your own needs. As they say....ain't nobody happy if momma's not happy!!! So learn to take care of yourself & your needs. Take a night off just for yourself. Call it mommy's night and go out shopping or to a bookstore to have a coffee and read a book. Join a class at the library or in the community. Just getting out of the house on your own will make you feel so much better. I would call my cousin and at least once a month we would go out to dinner or a movie together.

Also.....there is a theory I call the sun & the wind theory. Some wonderful posters here shared it with me and it has helped me out tremendously within my marriage. When we act like the wind and approach like a storm (in the form of complaint) our spouses only wish to get away & seek shelter wrapping their coats tight around them. However, if we are more like the sunshine and project warmth & light, our spouses will come closer only wanting to seek more of it. That is when we approach them with love and comfort allowing them room to unwind and relax making it inviting when they walk in at the end of a long day. With the warmth and sunshine soon our spouses want to be around more instead of somewhere else where it is less stormy. Can you see what I mean???

It is not too late. You need to let your husband know that you want your marriage to work and are willing to change. The only one you are capable of changing is yourself. I learned that by making little changes within myself I saw positive changes within my husband as well in response to them. You need to change your thinking as far as your husband having to have no friends or interests just because you have none. That is not healthy in a relationship.....each person must have the freedom to grow. Your husband must not be a plant subjected to grow in a small pot without room for him to take root and grow into a more magnificent plant. We are always growing as individuals within a marriage and to expect one another to stay the same is not only selfish but will destroy the foundation upon which the marriage is built.

I hope some of what I have shared with you helps you to see how you have the power to change and perhaps save your marriage. You only have to want it enough and may be surprised as I was to see that your husband wants it enough as well. With enough love and committment it is possible to rebuild what you have lost in your marriage. I am praying that you & your husband will be able to find the strength & love to get through this.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 09-09-2005, 06:38 PM   #9
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Youíre doing okÖas well as can be expected at this time. You have a place to start because you can now see the root of the problems. Sometimes once the dust settles we can finally see things for what they are. However; I think you need to keep looking past that. You say you realize that you have been a complainer. Youíre taking your ownership and that is a start for you. Your husband also needs to take some ownership in this as well. You may have been complaining and perhaps thatís not the best way to go about getting what you need, but what was done about what you need. What Iím trying to say is you got stuck in this rut and although yes you allowed things to go that way so did your husband. If you are home with the kids and heís doing what he needs socially when was your time? Did you have that time? The reality is that many women, not all, but many, pick up more home duties than what their partners do. And eventually become worn out that they donít care to go out anyway. If I was at home and my husband was off doing whatever whenever you bet Iíd get a little out of sorts too! Associated with that I would strongly feel neglected, being taken for granted and my self-esteem would probably go down hill too. I know that when my daughter was young it was very hard to maintain an active social life and I had to fight for it. Needless to say after going insane at home and because I had career choices to make I did get back out there. However I have one child not three and having three means they are dependent on you three times longer.

I guess my point is that although you see what your part in this is I think you should see his part as well. I donít know how much was done during these times to correct things from the start. Was your husband supportive? When you started complaining did he respond did he offer to help you find ways to help yourself? You can tell him that you see what was going on just be sure not to take all the blame if it isnít all yours.

You can and should start to find ways to make yourself happier. Because it sounds like you were not happy. Small things can make the world of difference. Depending on your situation there are various things you could do. Find out who you are and what makes you tick. What is something you have always want to do and make a goal to do it?

Tell your husband exactly why you were doing what you were; not only that it was wrong. Also tell him what you are going to do to correct it. But he will need to make changes as well. If you simply agree to stop complaining, and the work isnít done on the relationship as a whole, it is more than likely that you will continue to be unhappy. You and your husband will continue to be at odds and thus we are back to him being miserable as well. So if you just come back together there wonít be a changeÖ..but how about making the change and then considering getting back together. I know itís hard but aim for working on you and then on his needs and then how to combine them together. There are two of you in this relationship and that means that two of you need to work on this. If heís not game for that right now, you can still start to make the changes you want. He may even be more responsive after he sees you making the changes you say you will. He is unlikely to come back until he is confident that things will be different, and he has to be willing to help with that. Take care of those little ones.
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Old 03-28-2006, 10:40 AM   #10
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless - update

Hi everyone,
I started this thread last year and if you read, I talked about my husband leaving. long story short, at the end of that week, HE decided he wanted to come home. I was happy, but I felt like something was wrong and not right. We went out of town for a baseball game. I still felt things were not right, even though he was home, he was distant. When we returned things were the same. One day I picked up his cell phone bill and saw that he was making long phone calls. I can't believe I did not pick up on it when we separated the first time. Long story short, I found out he had a female friend he was confiding in. I was so hurt/devastated. It all finally made sense. I swear that day, I became this new person. I was done with him. I was not going to begg for him like I did the last time he left. I called him and confronted him and I could not wait. He was speechless. He said he knew he messed up and that he turned to another woman to comfort him. He swore they were not together. I still did not care, He (we) don't have friends we converate with for hours and don't know about. Anyway, I ended up telling him that we were over and he agreed. He never came home that day. It was the most devastating time in my life. Every inch of me was hurt. But I picked myself up and cried everyday, I could not believe after all this and what I did for him this is how he repayed me. I put my house up for sale, talked everyday with friends, started to go out and really started to love life again. I changed as a woman. I found myself. I had time to myself and I did not know how to act. We split the custody 50/50.

Anyway, months went by, in the begining he said they were friends and then it turned in to more than just friends. He always denied it in the beginning, telling me "oh she is telling me to go home" .. etc, then eventually he stopped denying it.

Months went by and one day he called and tried to talk to me and wanted to know if the situation was different could he work things out with me. I told him I don't know. to much has happened, (actually he had been trying to reach out to me for months, but I was so hurt I did not want to see it. he emailed me a few times asking if I could forgive him, etc. I turned into this cold person he never saw. I just dropped the kids, and took my money and was gone.)

He called and was hysterically upset and crying. He apologized for everything he had done to me. At this point my feelings were numb. 70 percent of me did not want him, and it was because of the pain, humiliation.

We talked for several days after that. I told him that my feelings have changed for him and he wanted to try and work it out even though he knew that my feelings were not the same.


We did decide to give it another try. He arranged for us to go to counseling. We are going to a wonderful counselor. He see's things and realizes what he could have lost with me.

It is weird because our roles have changed. He is the one now that realizes how bad he messed up and is on his toes, where I used be the one who stressed about being alone and be ashamed of being left, and now I don't care anymore. I decided to give it another try and I told myself I will never be in a unhappy situation. I will NEVER let myself go. I know that I can make it alone.

Counseling has helped us alot, especially him. I find him sad at times, and even crying. He says he is sad because of what he put his family through and realizes what he could have lost.

It is really sad, because it has changed our relationship, especially me. I see things differently. I guess I am not so stupid anymore! but I wish I could get that innocence in my relationship back.

 
Old 03-28-2006, 11:00 AM   #11
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Are you sure things are on the up & up? Usually when a situation like yours happens it is because the other woman has decided she wants some space. Suddenly the cheater is facing NObody in his life (or bed) and he suddenly becomes quite remoseful. Will kind of juggle both for awhile before finding it safe to once again leave one or the other.

 
Old 03-28-2006, 11:34 AM   #12
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

I knew a few people who knew the other woman. I actually know who she is, but don't know her personally. My husband told me that he broke things off with her because he "SAYS" he told her that he wanted his family back and what he was doing was wrong. He told me that she was upset when he told her he did not want to be with her and was crying.


I had heard from other sources that she was saying he was acting different towards her and that she did tell people that he broke it off with her. The woman who told my friend said that she did not care that he broke things off and that is was all his bad anyway.

All along while we were separated he tried to be there for me, obviously out of pure guilt.

He has changed his cell phone number and I check all of his information. I know there are ways to get around all that, but for the most part he checks
out.

The counselor really grills him to when we are in there and he talks openley to me about it. We set a day a week for any questions I have etc. We are reading a recovery book also. He knows that I will find out if he does talk to her and I have made it clear that I no longer have this needy feeling that I have choices in my life and it is a choice that I am making to give our marriage another chance.

He told me that he never loved the woman. It started off as friends and he started telling her about our problems. Our counselor describes our situation and a one night stand type of affair. Don't know why,

All we could do is try. I can't control what is going to happen in the future. I thought long and hard about giving him another chance, and I don't want to throw everything we build together without giving it another chance. I know who I am now and I know that I am not a poor pathetic woman that needs a man to be someone. I gave him another chance because I wanted to and it is not easy to walk a way from a marriage/2 kids, a home etc., and I know what he did is awful, but he is still a good person and because of a horrible decision he made, does not erase all the good times and good person that he is. (my counselors adivce, which i realize now to) All couples go thru tough times and if we can get past this then great! If we can't then life goes on and we will go our separate ways. I feel like the worst has happened and I have been through hell and back and now I am back with a better outlook on life, love, family...and most of all Myself.

I can't worry about what he is going to do and what he is doing. So I guess we will just have to wait and see

We have been back together now for now 6 months. Hopefully, all goes and continues to go well.

 
Old 03-28-2006, 05:00 PM   #13
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

I have been following your story and I think youíre a fantastic lady!
Not many ladies like you out there and I think he should thank all his lucky stars that your willing to give him another chance.
Good on ya! Let us know how things go
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Old 03-28-2006, 09:44 PM   #14
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

Mistycatt,
Come on, why are you so isolated while your husband is just free to roam? Why are your children getting to see you at your worst when "Daddy" isn't around to show them his worst, only to complain about you to you, oh, but he still loves you??? How? By bitching about you? I don't quite get it.
Look, you deserve better. This arrangement is not working and for whatever reason YOU are bearing the brunt of it IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. What is fair, normal, healthy and loving about that? Tell me.
Now, look, you tell your man, regardless of fault here, there are problems in this marriage and NEITHER of you have the right to put this on your children, either directly or vicariously, so here are the 2 options 1) counseling 2) divorce proceedings.
Yeah, marriage is give and take. Yes there are peaks and valleys. Fine, but you accept too many valleys and guess what's gonna happen? No, your man needs to shape up or ship out. He's just too damn comfortable calling the shots and acting like his "love" is so damn special you ought to thank all that is good this man exists. No, he's got kids to consider, and how those kids see the family/marriage dynamic while they are growing up has a HUGE impact on them. Oh, and make no mistake, he is 50% responsible for that! Hello!

 
Old 03-28-2006, 09:49 PM   #15
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Re: How do I cope? I am hopeless

its hard i just lost my girlfriend to no apparent reason she can explain. I went nuts for the last 3 weeks but doing alot better now but then again we werent married. I hope things work out and good luck.

Stewie

 
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my husband wants a divorce...how do I begin to cope? Sugar64 Divorce & Separation 154 10-19-2005 01:37 PM




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