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email snooper

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Old 09-10-2005, 08:00 AM   #1
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sml83 HB User
email snooper

I did a bad thing.

My boyfriend of a year told me he would stop talking to this girl (we'll call her cupcake) who he used to date prior to us meeting each other, once I kept seeing her name on his cell phone.
He said "Hun, I don't talk to her... If it makes you feel better I will take her off my cell phone."
I said I didn't care either way.... I just wanted to know why he seemed to be almost hiding the fact that he was talking to her.

It's been about 3 months since that happened, and I noticed her email address on a forward he had sent to about 8 of his closest friends. I asked him about it, and he said "oops, I must have clicked her name and sent it to her by accident."

I didn't believe him.
Knowing each other's email passwords is too tempting when it comes to things like this...
So I broke into his email...
And the first thing I see is an email from her.

She had replied to a seperate email he had sent to her. (!!!!)
His email read something like this:

Hey, How have you been? It's been a while... I will be going to Louisiana next week. How are things with you...."

She replies with typical "i'm good how have you been" stuff.

How here is the problem...
I couldn't just leave the email and get out his inbox. I had to delete her email because it was "un-bold" and it was obvious it had been opened.
So I reluctantly covered my tracks and signed out.

I asked him the next day "Hey, seriously hun.. be honest with me... have you talked to or tried to contact cupcake at all?"

He denied it until his face was blue.
He told me at least three times "I will NEVER lie to you! I have always been and will always been 100% honest with you."


Ladies? Gentlemen?
Please help me... what should I do?
I love him, I do... but now I have lost my trust in him. And I'm angry inside for the lie.
But, maybe he lied because he knew I'd overreact if I knew that he emailed cupcake??

Should I just let it go?

Now I can't help but check his email once a day to see if they are still writing!! I try to stop myself but it's too tempting.
But as far as he knows, she hasn't replied to his email because I had deleted it without him knowing.
So maybe they will stop talking.

But should I bring up to him the fact that I know he lied??

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Old 09-10-2005, 08:58 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2005
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evy38 HB User
Re: email snooper

You can't bring up the fact that you know he lied without letting on that you invaded his privacy. There is so much going on here that is problematic for your relationship, not the least of which, you don't trust him because he is emailing and phoning the ex! Clearly you suspected something and don't trust him for a reason. You know, deep down, a relationship can't survive if two people don't trust each other. You are going to have to bite the bullet, tell him what you did, what you suspect and how you feel. You will have to own up to the fact that you no longer trust him. Maybe he can answer you concerns, and you, his. Either way, you need to clear the air. Hopefully, he can answer your questions, but baring joint custody of kids, is there ANY good reason he should still be chatting with cupcake?

Last edited by evy38; 09-10-2005 at 09:03 AM.

Old 09-10-2005, 09:47 AM   #3
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emma_j_21 HB User
Re: email snooper

Oh i had this happen to me also. My ex was constanly talking to this girl from the drama group he went to. I knew she liked him and i was getting more and more upset and annoyed the more she rang and txt.He assured me he had no interest blah blah blah. so one day i snooped in his txt mgs. It had stuff in there about how she liked him and asking to meet and stuff. So i asked him and she ever told him that she like him and ever asked to meet up and he said no never. ITs so hard when they just lie like that and you know there lieing. so anyways we broke up and we meet up one night to go out and his phone vibrated and i sw her name and he saw i was clearly annoyed becuase i didn't want anything to ruin the night so i asked him again and she ever said she liked you and he said yes a few days ago, which was a lie.
We eventually got back together and i never brought it up. i could because if i did it would of ended things. so i really don't know what say. but it bugged the hell out of me.
Good luck

Old 09-10-2005, 12:36 PM   #4
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: email snooper

Once you start snooping, it tends to take over you until you go insane. It needs to be stopped immediately before it gets any worse. What's done is done and you are BOTH going to have to accept the repercussions of your actions. You really should consider coming clean to him and admitting that you went into his e-mail. It's the truth, and it's the only thing that won't involve further lies and secrecy. Plus, it forces the truth out of HIM as well! If he gets upset with you for snooping in his e-mail, tell him this: "I don't want to be dating a liar any more than you want to be dating a snooper". Explain to him that you BOTH are at fault and agree to never lie or snoop again. Tell him that you're admitting to this because you are ashamed of what you did and want to put a stop to it. Then talk things through. You may also get more truth out of him in regards to the reasons he lied about contacting her.

Oh, and not to encourage snooping, but on most e-mail accounts there is an option called "mark as un-read", which will put the e-mail subject back in bold so it appears as though no one read it yet.

Old 09-10-2005, 02:48 PM   #5
Join Date: Jan 2005
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evy38 HB User
Re: email snooper

Originally Posted by LittleRose1982
Oh, and not to encourage snooping, but on most e-mail accounts there is an option called "mark as un-read", which will put the e-mail subject back in bold so it appears as though no one read it yet.
You're good Little Rose, very very good.

Old 09-10-2005, 02:55 PM   #6
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: email snooper

Originally Posted by evy38
You're good Little Rose, very very good.

Someone snooped on me, that's how I know!

Old 09-11-2005, 12:55 PM   #7
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plumbcrazy HB User
Re: email snooper

Having been the snoopee (you are the snooper) and for the same reasons...I have advice. I regulary (past tense) talked to my exboyfriend as well, and my significant other had a HUGE problem with it. In my case, it was innocent, we were still friends and friends (regardless of being male or female) tend to keep each other updated on their lives. My advice is to fess up and apologize because you don't want a lie on your end. HE probably lied (as I did the same thing) because it is NOT a big deal and he doesn't want to make an issue out of something that is NOT. HOWEVER, if you have that funny feeling in your gut, then I would run the other direction. It sounds like the one you read was completely innocent so maybe you should stick with that. The other thing to remember is you do have his password so he apparently isn't doing anything he feels he needs to hide. But do fessup, then you can at least talk about it and then go from there.

Old 09-11-2005, 01:13 PM   #8
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: email snooper

As much as I'm anti-snooping and would love to jump in here and preach to always come clean, I'd prefer to go with what Evy said: Whether or not you snooped or if he knows about it is the least of your problems in this relationship.

The trust is gone. And fessing up isn't going to solve that. What do you see as a future here - you will be spending the rest of your days questioning everything he says, knowing that he can and will lie to your face.
What do you intend to do about that? I think you should shift your focus to what the real issues are, and stop worrying about what is in his email.

Old 09-11-2005, 01:36 PM   #9
Join Date: Sep 2005
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rainy_daze HB User
Re: email snooper

I agree with Rose on this one. You're going to drive yourself insane if you continue to snoop and he continues to lie. You should probably come clean about the whole situation.

Perhaps the two of you can start over from scratch, this time with more honesty. But really, if he's lying about communicating with this girl, there must be a reason and it's probably not good.

Old 09-11-2005, 05:35 PM   #10
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: email snooper

ok sml, you know you did a bad thing.

I'm just a little curious, why is him talking to his ex such an issue for you?

I"m guessing that if you took the trouble to break into his email account, you did'nt just see that one message and probably looked through any old messages, sent messages, etc. Did you find anything that leads you to believe that they are any more than friends/acquaintances?

If not, then I have an opinion that might differ from most, and that is, you guys are even now. Start fresh. If this relationship means a lot to you, start now at trying to rebuild the trust that you so obviously have lost. Maybe bring up the girl to him in a non-confrontational way, like, "what is she really to you?" You kinda put him in a tough spot, because you said you dont' want him talking to her at now he's in the position to have ot lie to you if he just wants to keep in touch and be friends. Maybe if you say you do'nt mind him talking to her, as long as he doesnt' keep it a secret, things might be better for both of you.

Old 09-11-2005, 09:30 PM   #11
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laurie864bla HB User
Re: email snooper

My X swore on his sick son's life a million times over he wasn't cheating on me. Well, he was, and I found out by snooping. I didn't snoop for 12 yrs thru anything. Not mail, email, computer, following him, nothing! I should have. I'd have found out a lot sooner and my credit wouldn't be ruined If I was still sleeping with him--I could be dying.. I say snoop away if you are AT ALL suspicious. Is it right? No. You shouldn't have to. Is it necessary? With lots of men, your life could depend on it. Man, I do sound cynical now don't I?

Old 09-12-2005, 01:42 AM   #12
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JustErin HB User
Re: email snooper

reading your post actually made me sick to my stomach!! the EXACT thing happened to me. i had an uneasy feeling and started reading his email and, low and behold, there's a message from a girl he told me he had not been in contact with (there's a lot more to this story, but i won't bore you with it.)

the BIGGEST mistake i made was confronting him to soon and he started covering his tracks. right now, just sit back and keep your eyes and ears wide open.

here's something to remember.......PEOPLE ONLY LIE WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE!!!!

Last edited by JustErin; 09-12-2005 at 01:54 AM.

Old 09-12-2005, 06:55 AM   #13
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sml83 HB User
Re: email snooper

Thank you for the replies!

Guys, I'm still STUCK about what to do!!!

I love him so much... but I realized one night how easy it is for him to lie to me. It's a silly example.... but it hit me hard as a small instance that could have been a much larger one.
He doesn't like ice on his skin, but he had sprained his ankle a few months after we had first been dating. I mentioned that he should put an ice pack on it to see if it helped numb it... so he did, but I realized it was one that hadn't been in the freezer for very long. I asked him if it was even cold, and he said "oh yeah, it's frozen".. about 2 minutes later I went to hand him a papertowel and the ice pack fell onto my foot.. IT WAS WARM!!
He had been sitting there for about 3 minutes with a warm ice pack, had told me it was 'frozen.'
He got this sheepish look on his face, like an "oops I was caught" kind of look that I'll never forget.

I didn't think of it right away, but on the ride home I realized how easy he had lied to me.
Why not just tell me that he'd rather not use the ice pack rather than lie to me? He knew I wouldn't have pushed the thing on him.

It's almost like he see's nothing wrong with lying if it stops me from reacting in a negitive way.

But aren't relationships based on HONESTY??

This stupid email thing happened about a week ago...
And I'm competely okay with the emails they sent back and forth,
what makes my palms sweat and heart beat however, is the thought of him lying about "Accidentally" sending her his new email address in the first place.

I DO almost feel like he's trying to hide something from me.

But, on the other hand, it's been a week, and as far as I know, they haven't emailed each other. I dont know about the phone though.

Redsoxgirl- I DID tell him that I dont mind if he talks to her. I told him that over and over... It'd be much easier for both of us if he just came out and said to me that yes he emailed her, and I would be 100% okay with that, because I"d know then that he has nothing to hide!
He can talk to her all he wants.. there are plenty of girls he talks to, and that's fine with me. But why does he hide talking to THIS girl from me?
I guess because I expressed early on that I felt uncomfortable about how often they talked when we first started dating...
Well then why even talk to her at all??
If there was a guy that HE felt uncomfrotable about me talking to, I'd stop. I wouldn't "sneak" emails behind his back.

My main concern is that- if he's lied about this, what else has he lied about? What else will he lie about?

And if I confront him about it, will it make things more complicated?? Would it make him mad that I invaded his privacy by deleting an email that wasn't even mine?

I want to be honest with him so bad. I've gone over the conversation in my head lots of times... I just can't figure out how he'll react, and I don't want to bring it up if it's going to make him angry at me!!
Last night we had a great night. We were both in a great mood.... I realized I was getting over the whole thing and was going to let it go, but then I woke up this morning and it was bothering me again just as bad as it was before.

Old 09-12-2005, 08:24 AM   #14
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: email snooper

sml83, You dont have any proof that he is cheating here. It was an email, not a night of wild intimate moments. You read and email that she had sent him that seemed pretty harmless if you ask me, the typcal like you said "whats up how are you" vise versa stuff!

1. you should come clean, im not one to snoop around because you sometimes find things you shouldnt, im not saying finding what you found is devistating (this is minor) but it's a privacy thing too. Maybe he isnt talking to her on his phone, and the email was just a friendly hello.

2. Let him know you wish he just would have been honest about sending her an email to communicate, let him know it terrified you and hurt your feelings, do not point fingers saying "your cheating on me" because as I have stated you have no proof of this it is a letter nothing more!!!!

3. Dont be upset if he becomes angry with you and loses trust in you. I mean there is obviously a trust issue with the both of you. Im not condoning what he has done, but I have had contact with an ex of mine via instant messenger. And if/when we speak it's for a short amount of time and it's to catch up. How are things going how's the new relationship, hows family whats new Thats it it's harmless and I havent told him i've spoken to him. I know he'd freak out over nothing. Because it is nothing. I have no desire to be with my ex, but he had such an impact on me that if we are willing to speak without an argument then whats the problem with that?

He is engaged so am I. We talk to each other about our upcoming marriages and other events.

Just come clean and maybe he will too...

Old 09-12-2005, 08:37 AM   #15
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sml83 HB User
Re: email snooper

thanks piranna65.

I never once thought of the email as even close to him cheating on me, you are right. he didn't violate any relationship "rules"..


Why then not just admit to me he emailed her?

Even after I told him to put her name back on his phone, and to email her all he wants. It would not bother me if he did. He still denied it.

The fact he lied leads me to believe that there might still be feelings there and he feels GUILTY for emailing her.

I am bringing it up tonight. It might get ugly, but hopefully it will be something we can both learn from and will make our relationship stronger.

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