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Old 09-10-2005, 10:23 AM   #1
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Zach1233 HB User
New Situation/ New Info

Well, its been about 3 weeks since my girlfriend has left for college, My intentions were to go up and see her every other week, but because of some circumstances, the time i see her will drasticly be shortened. We talk everyday on the phone/internet, but we always find ourselves getting into stupid arguements that we both apoligise after when we realize how dumb it was. We both continuously say we love eachother and that we will not even think of leaving. I would just like to know if other people have been through something like this and how they got through it. We are both dedicated and commited to making this relationship work. However we dont know where to begin to make things easier for us. Any idea's/help would be appreciated.
THANKS!!

 
Old 09-11-2005, 01:41 AM   #2
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

Sorry to hear that you won't be able to see each other as much--can I ask what circumstances are causing that and if there is anyway around it? It sounds to me like you both might be worried and frustrated with the situation, which I think is completely normal and understandable considering you are facing four years of spending much more time apart than together. I would imagine those feelings are accounting for the arguments you've been having...from what I remember from my own experience from trying to make a high school romance last through college, those little fights often get blown out of proportion and become about the relationship as a whole and its future prospects rather than just the problem/issue at hand. It's nice that you are still verbally committed to each other, but are you sure that it's the best thing to stay tied down to someone you won't be able to see very often while you are still so young? With the exception of that one extremely optimistic poster on your other thread who argued that long distance relationships were very desirable scenarios, I don't know many people who have tried them who would recommend them to others. Unless there is an end in sight very soon, it's not that pleasant or satisfying to be so far away from someone you love and not be able to spend anything more than very small chunks of time together. And to be tied down to your first real girlfriend who you rarely get to see when you're at a stage of life when most people are dating around and gaining invaluable insights about themselves and what they want/need from relationships just doesn't seem like a wise idea to me.

With a little more experience and perspective on the situation, I definitely wouldn't have tried to make a long distance relationship from high school work throughout my first two years of college. It ended up being pretty discouraging fighting such an uphill battle that I should have conceded far before I actually ended it. Maybe my own experiences are coloring my views here, but I have yet to see any long distance relationships turn out well in the long run. With so many great people out in the world, especially when you're still young, why attach yourself to someone when circumstances present such significant obstacles to spending a healthy amount of time together? It's hard enough to keep a relationship going when you are able to see each other regularly that I don't see why people put themselves through such challenging, frustrating ordeals. I understand that many high school couples want to keep their relationship going because they are in love and don't have the experience to realize that the vast majority of people fall in love at least a few times before they find the right person, because it takes a lot more than love to make for a lasting and successful partnership. Anyway, I just don't see any reason to make such a drastic sacrifice and take on such a difficult situation when there are so many amazing women you could be getting to know who you could actually get to see in person more than occasionally. Being young should be about being free and independent to get to know yourself and as many interesting people as possible, not about being tied down and wishing the best years of your life away waiting for a few days here and there every few months with your partner. It's just my opinion, but it sounds like you and your girlfriend would both be a lot happier and have much more fulfilling, fun experiences over the next few years if you were not committed to dating exclusively.

 
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Old 09-11-2005, 08:28 AM   #3
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Zach1233 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

Thanks for your input, Regarding the circumstance, my girlfriend lives with her sister, and her sister said it was fine if i spent the night everyonce in a while so i could go up and see her, but all of the sudden she changed her mind, Although this will not stop me from seeing her, and nothing will, it just shortens the times ill be able to see her. However i should also let you know that when im able to drive in less then 3 monthes, ill be going to see her atleast once a week. So it wont be to bad, also her school ends in april so shes comming down to her parents place to spend a couple monthes to make some money at her old job, which is extremly close to me, so i could go back to seeing her whenever i wanted for that time period. She will aslo be comming down on every holiday. I just dont think this is being hopeless at all, if it helps to know any, im the type of person that creates a goal and doesnt let that go untill that goal is acheived, and my goal is to spend my life with her, and no matter what the world has to throw in my way ill conquer it somehow. As far as being independent and how i should experience as many different people as possible, i have experiences in my life where ive been completly depressed after giving all ive had to make things work, but the person i was with never wanted to commit back, and ive finally found someone who will commit back, whose perfect for my lifestyle and what i wish to accomplish, she supports me and is willing to make any sacrifice that i would make. I know this might sound dumb, comming from someone as young as me, but i assure you im more mature then my age group usually is.

Thanks for the comment!

 
Old 09-11-2005, 09:00 PM   #4
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Zach1233 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

Ok, well i tried something, that i guess turned out to be pretty stupid. I firstly warned her, and said dont take anything to personally i just need to know. I tried to be mature about this relationship, and i asked her if she was sure that i was the one she wanted to be with even though there are things she will be missing out on, and i also said this is our first time falling in love are we sure this is what we want.

That whole thing backfired, she thought i was trying to break up with her and that i didnt want to be with her. I'm still trying to this moment to convince her that i was just trying to make sure this is what she wanted and how i needed to know.

Any advice on regaining her trust ?

 
Old 09-12-2005, 01:58 AM   #5
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

Hmmm...I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is a possibility she might be looking for ways to pull away now that she's facing the reality of what four years of a long distance relationship will actually be like. I don't really see why she would jump to the conclusion that you're trying to break up from what you said, and I'm concerned about how you've been having frequent minor disagreements. Please don't get me wrong, I wish you lots of luck and really admire your determination to make this work; I'm certainly not rooting against you or anything, just trying to provide a little objective perspective from someone who has experience trying to make a similar relationship last. The thing you should keep in mind is that EVERYONE believes, many with just as much dedication and conviction as you have, that their first love is the one who they are meant to spend their life with, and that the relationship will last forever, despite any and all obstacles. I just want you to keep in mind that you both lack the life experience and perspective, particularly the romantic experience, necessary to know for sure, at least as much as anyone can know the future, whether a relationship has what it takes to make it in the long run. Unfortunately it takes a lot more than love and dedication, and circumstances often thwart even relationships with the most solid foundations. I wish you the best of luck, but I think you'd be well served to have a little more realistic expectations--kind of like hope for the best, but don't be completely shocked and devestated if things don't end up working out quite like you'd hoped. I hope that I'm mistaken about your GF pulling away and that you two are able to get back on track as far as arguments and trust are concerned. Just please remember that we are all sure about things at certain times in our lives that are only revealed later as erroneous assumptions...to be honest, for you to be SO certain that you have met the only woman you'll ever love or have a serious relationship with before you can drive is a little disconcerting to an objective observer. I know that at this point it might seem like you're weary and totally finished with other relationships, but there is a chance you won't always feel that way...it's just impossible to know how things will turn out until you actually experience the future. All I'm trying to say is that you might want to consider focusing more on enjoying the present, including the time you have with your GF, and less on trying to ensure that you'll be together forever. This is impossible to ensure at this stage anyway, and will only lead you to be frustrated and worried and perhaps push your GF away if you are too insistent that you will always love each other and be together for the rest of your lives. You are still so young...enjoy the present without wishing these wonderful years of your youth away, OK? Life is much sweeter, more satisfying, and less worrisome when you take a wait and see approach and savor the present rather than getting too far ahead of yourself...I'd just hate to see you build this up too much and be disappointed. Things may work out, they may not, but there have been many young couples in your position, starting a long distance relationship after dating for a few months and having the highest expectations...I'd rather see you pleasantly surprised by the future because you're enjoying each day as it comes than risk being absolutely devestated when the future might not live up to the very lofty expectations you seem to be building for it in your mind. I really do wish you well and hope none of my concerns are warranted, but I thought a little outside observer's input might be helpful in putting things in perspective. Good luck and please keep us posted, OK?

 
Old 09-12-2005, 06:19 AM   #6
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

Zach, Im sorry this is already happening, but as I mentioned before it probably would have been easier to seperate before she moved. There is already an opstical in the way of you two seeing each other as much as you had hoped, and once school really gets kicking it will be more difficult with studies and test taking that she wont have much time period.

I think it would be healthy for you to take a break at this point. I mean if the two of you are more then willing to continue at it then hey go for it. Give it a shot and see how long it can 'work'. But you are both young and still have other options.

Prehaps right now isnt the right time for the two of you to have a relationship but maybe down the road? That is a possibility and has been done where it still works.

Try not to stress it and just let things flow for now, dont pressure her into wanting to see her as much as you can when the times arent possible. When you can go, go and and make it worth it, dont over crowd each other with phone calls all day everyday and the internet. I've been with my fiancee for 2years now and I do talk to him at least once a day granted it doesnt always lasst long long we get a few min in together...
goodluck keep us informed!

 
Old 09-12-2005, 12:12 PM   #7
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Zach1233 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

It isnt really her having the problems though, she seems to be fine with it she says "ive accepted the fact that we wont be able to see eachother, and so should you" and i know shes right. I know the only way to make this work is for me to come to terms with this and stop thinking about it so much, my main problem is i focus on the fact that im not going to be seeing her as much, when i should be thinking, atleast i get to see her. Im thinking i should occupy my time more, so i dont have much time to think and wonder. Perhaps taking up a new hobbie? any suggestions of what i could do to stop thinking so much about this?

 
Old 09-12-2005, 02:42 PM   #8
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: New Situation/ New Info

go out with your friends, thats always a simple solution. and your right this is something you must get use to because school just started and you have several months to go...goodluck

 
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