I'll tell you why women have affairs. It's the same reason men do it--to fill a void in our life. Women are a little bit different in the way we look at sex, so that's probably the reason we want to be wined and dined first. Maybe it's old-fashioned values, but meeting in a cheap hotel and just having sex and then leaving seems 'sluttish' and tawdry. I think most women would say they don't enter into an affair strictly for the sex. I'm guessing the woman you are speaking of is married. Maybe she's secure financially and most of her basic needs are being met, but possibly she's lonely, feels unnoticed, taken for granted, and possibly struggling with issues such as an empty nest or career problems, etc. In my opinion, a woman who has an affair and doesn't want a divorce is looking to be loved, pampered, noticed as a sexual being, and appreciated for her body and mind. I'm no psychiatrist, but I'm a woman and this is what I believe happens. And I'm not condoning or condemning, just telling it like I see it. Hope this helps.
Thanks for your response, Siobhan. This situation left me completely devastated. It didn't last long, and I was completely confused as to what my role was supposed to be .... when I tried to keep everything on a purely sexual level, it seemed she wanted something more. When I tried to open up about my feelings for her, she pulled back, said she could never get divorced and everything went to hell. I just ended up confused, angry and feeling like I was getting used in the worst way possible.
While we're at it, I never once uttered the "L" word because I figured that was the last thing she wanted. After all, if she didn't intend for it to go anywhere, what is the point of bringing love into it... (and I did feel love) ... unless it's just to make things all that much more difficult when it ended.
No, I wanted more, but she made it clear that there couldn't be more from the beginning. Which is why I ask, why did she ask for those extra things. I wasn't just thinking with that part... I didn't want to... she acted like that's what she wanted, so that's what I did. When I tried to give more, it came back to bite me. That's what confused me.
For some people it's easier to shut off your emotions and keep it pure physical. Like me, for instance. I crave emotional intimacy but most of my partners either don't get it, no capable of it, or don't want to get emotionally involved. She's got issues...
There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, First Snow, 1993
I have a neighbor that isn't cheating but her boyfriend is.
He comes and stays with her for a week or two then leaves with all of his belongings, he usually leaves with suitcases, his dress clothes and a few other things, and about 2 or 3 weeks later he comes back and does the same thing over and over. He is not a friendly guy, my husband tries to talk to him and he tries to stay hidden.
My husband knows that this guy is married, if this woman doesn't then she is an idiot, and if she does then she is a dog herself.
I couldn't ever cheat on anyone no matter how much I loved or hated the person.
You get the divorce finalize it then do what you want.
My aunt did the same thing, she was married and her husband cheated on her, so after they got the divorce, she went out and found a married man, with children who was willing to sacrifice his own marriage for her because she had been through it she wanted someone else's marriage to fail, two wrongs don't make a right.
In the end it is not worth it, if you are caught or not.
I had an affair that lasted 3 years. In a different way though, I was seperated from my husband at the time. But I still hurt him in doing so and the guy I loved was married.
I wanted to point something out to you. She may be treating you the way her husband treats her. I know that it doesn't make much sense, but it may be what is going on. He may only give her attention at certain time, like when he feels horney and then rebukes her attentions any other times. He may work a lot and doesn't have time for her or goes away alot or what ever. She also may be pulling back if she feels like things are getting too serious because she won't leave him and doesn't want this to become messy.
The best thing you can do is move on. It killed me to do it, but I had to. I sold both of my houses and moved. I stopped talking about him and little by little I even stopped thinking about him. My heart healed because I let it. If you dwell in the past you are never going to heal.
For the rest of you who are telling Lost Soul how you WOULD NEVER have an affair, never say never!!!! I used to say the same thing!LOL
Ibeeshell...........I'm glad you said that part about 'never say never.' Twenty years ago, I'd have been very judgemental about this whole issue, but after living in a VERY unhappy and dissatisfying marriage, I will never judge anyone again! Lostsoul, I do feel bad for you. You may have been used, but she may not have intended to do that. In fact, she may have very deep feelings for you, but doesn't have the courage to do the right thing?? Right or wrong, I believe these things happen and no one has a right to judge until they've walked in your shoes. I'm truly sorry you were hurt.
My wife to is in the middle of this. She saw him one time when we were together then she had to seperated. She has seen him on and off for 4 months. She is also seeing me to. Im having fun with the woman I love, going out places and doing things we never did when we were together.
He called it off last tuesday. I have become my wifes best friend and I dont mind but it still hurts to hear alot of what I have heard these last few months. After 21 years I can let her have space and figure out what she needs to do. But I will be there for her when she needs me. She was there for me for 21 years.
I think he is useing her just for the sex, she told me his wife does not like it that much. I ignored my wife for 5 years before this happend. Not thats a reason to do this but its what happend.
I still love my wife very much. I had my fun when I was 20 years old. I was her only one untill may of this year. The sex part does not bother me so much its the emotional affair that kills me.
I have learned alot over the last 4 months of what it takes to be a husband, I just hope I get to show her someday.
Scott as bad as what I am about to say will sound to some, I will say it anyway.
Even though my affair hurt others, it did wonders for me. I was in a marriage that was unkind and unloving. I had no self worth, no esteem. He loved me like I was the only one in the world and I needed that. Sure he went back to his wife every day, but ours is a small town and people talked. I knew exactly what their marriage was and it wasn't happy. He made me feel alive and good about myself. That is what I carried away from that 3 years.
2 years after that, my husband and I decided to try again. He had grown up and so had I. He had changed and realized I was worth loving! We are happy. Our marriage works now because I have great self esteem and he learned that he really did have a good wife to begin with!
I hope you and your wife can do this.
LostSoul, I hope that you can move on soon and your pain eases! I understand where you are.