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Old 09-11-2005, 11:12 AM   #1
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
living situation w/ bf

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 wonderful months. He and I just "clicked" right away, and things happened fast between us--he said "i love you" after only a few weeks, and it wasn't too long after that that I knew I loved him too. For the first few months of our relationship, we saw each other a couple of times a week. We were both working (both teachers) so we'd spend an evening or two visiting. He's in a band, not so much as a hobby but trying to make it--he went to school for music and they're a very dedicated group--so that takes away a few nights a week for us to spend time, but at that time it wasn't really a big deal. Then the summer came, and we got to spend a lot more time together. I live with my parents, but they travel a lot so he'd stay with me for a few days or a week at a time. We've grown soo incredibly close. We've talked about marriage, and he says he's got a time picked out when he's going to ask me, but of course, won't tell me so it's a surprise. I love him with all my heart and know he's the one as well.

So now that school's back in, we can't spend the same time together that we could before. Between our jobs, his practices, and having to get enough sleep to keep the kiddies in line in school, suddenly two, three, or four days go by and we don't see each other. It's nobody's fault, we're doing the best we can. But it hurts me to be away from him. Even though we talk on the phone at least once a day, I have such a hard time not seeing him. This is the only thing relating to our relationship that makes me a little unhappy. I understand that he's trying his best and vice versa, but I know I get a little testy when he says he's got work to do at home, or when the guys are going to spend the whole weekend at a recording studio. And i hate being that needy, clingy girl.

I've always believed that you don't live with somebody until you're married to him. My family is very old-fashioned and believes this as well. A couple of years ago, my cousin moved in with her boyfriend and our family did'nt talk to her for over a year, and her boyfriend is not welcome at any family get-togethers. But I can't help but think that where my bf and I are in our relationship, it's just time that we live together. To know that no matter what our days are like, how busy we are, that he's coming home to me at the end or vice versa, would be wonderful. I know that if I said I wanted to, that he would be ready to move in together. But he knows my opinion and my family's, so never pressure's me or anything.

I just don't know if it's worth all the pain and problems it will cause with my parents and family, to go off and move in with him. But I don't want to hurt my relationship with my bf by holding out and us having to deal with living a half hour apart and having to try and fit in enough time with each other. I just dont' know what the lesser of two evils in this situation is.

 
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Old 09-11-2005, 12:32 PM   #2
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

The nice, though sometimes hard, thing about life is that there are always alternatives, no matter the situation.
Why not consider other options here: Can you move into an apt closer to where he is? Can he get a place closer to you? Can you join him at the studio to watch him and his band practice?

Would working thru any of these other options really be harder to deal with than dealing with possibly losing your family's respect?
And honestly, I think if you two don't move in together and can work thru this trying time and survive, it will make your relationship even stronger in the end.
Anything worth having is worth waiting for.

 
Old 09-11-2005, 05:09 PM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

There's no rush if he's the right one for the rest of your life, right?
Why take one of the special things about BEING married and give it away?
What will make the night/week after you do get married special if you live together first?
Marriage has meaning.
You might want to wait for it.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 10:47 AM   #4
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

lostmyheart-I've thought about moving a little closer to him, but I already work an hour away from where I live now, and moving closer to him would make that commute even longer. He's thought about moving closer to me, which is the more logical thing--but the highway between where I live and where he works is an absolute mess right now and the traffic is horrible--it would end up taking him almost an hour to get to work whereas now it takes him about 15 minutes. We do a good job of making the most out of any time we can spend--i go to his shows all the time and practices once in awhile--but a girl entering that "guy" territory sometimes bothers the other band guys. But we're definitely up to trying to think of other alternatives!

Ruth-I understand what you're saying, and agree with it to a point. I believe that marriage has meaning and that morally, you should wait. I just keep being faced with the thought that that "standard" is the only thing stopping us from living happily together. I love him and am totally committed. Same with him. We'd be engaged and closer to a wedding if we both didn't have job troubles, it's only now that we've both gotten full time teaching jobs instead of just substitute jobs, so we're both getting back on our feet financially--neither of us wanted to jump into anything when we were having money troubles. I've always been a "carpe diem" kind of girl--why force yourself to wait for something that you believe is right? You never know what will happen in the future and taking away a year and a half of this back-and-forth seeing each other seems like a waste to me in some ways. Yet in others, I still feel like I should uphold the morally correct thing to do, which would be to wait.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 05:22 PM   #5
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

My question is, did you ostrasize your cousin for her decision along with the rest of the family?

 
Old 09-13-2005, 09:09 PM   #6
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

Quote:
Originally Posted by ibeeshell
My question is, did you ostrasize your cousin for her decision along with the rest of the family?
oh nooo, i was actually the only one who knew she was going to be moving in with him before she actually did. I come from a small family, and she didn't tell her brothers, or either of our other cousins...I mean, I don't completely agree with my cousin for several reasons, the first and foremost being that they had only dated for a short time, and that they still have no marriage plans. I won't be moving in with my bf until we are engaged and have a date set for our wedding. I know he's going to be asking me soon. As for our wedding, there are a number of reasons why we're thinking june of 2007, namely, june of next year is too soon to plan and financially be ready, plus my parents want to help but won't be able to until my brother graduates from college in '06...we want to be married in june so it's summer vacation and we don't have to worry about school...i guess another option is to get married at a different time of year even though it's not my preference...

 
Old 09-14-2005, 08:16 AM   #7
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

Well, then that is good. I think you should do what is best for yor relationship then.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:41 PM   #8
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Piranna65 HB User
Re: living situation w/ bf

redsox, i'd assume you are a bit older and mature since you are both teachers.

I am 22, still living w/my parents but engaged (my family is old fasion as well so it makes things hard) My fiancee still isnt allowed to sleep over and we've been together for over 2 years! And now recently engaged, if he does he has to stay in the guest bedroom, which he absolutly hates.

I on the other hand I am ''allowed'' to stay at his place (it comes with grief from the parents) which i do a couple times/week. We are going to be getting our own place hopefully around the new year. I feel its time, and with situations with his parents I want him "away" from them. That and our wedding is coming together anyway money wise!

Your an adult your family shouldnt block you out or ignore you but if they have done this to a cousin of yours then i'd expect the same treatment towards you. Prehaps discussing things with your parents, let them know you are an adult and how you feel the living situation would be and find out what they'd do if anything to you.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:46 PM   #9
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Re: living situation w/ bf

hey my wedding is june next year and you are right that is toooo soon. I've been booking things for the past several months and in my area things are booked solid for some things already!! I had my DJ and reception hall both booked with a deposit before june of this year!

And i've already invested about 800 in this wedding too so that isnt a bad decision to save!

 
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