I'm currently in a 3year relationship w/ my bf. For a while, I've felt confused and in a rut about my feelings. We have a lot in common and get along, but I'm starting to wonder if I really am in love. They say you know it when you have it, but I'm finding that as I talk more and meet new people (college, gym, random places) I am discovering qualities and other traits that I'd really want in a partner--those which mine does not have.
We started dating when I was almost 19. I'm 22 now, and he's 30. I was very young at the time, but always on the mature end. He is not, however, and it's beginning to annoy me.
Right now, I'm learning that I want to focus all of my energy on school and work will take up my entire weekend. I need money and I want to save for grad school.
I really dont want to be in a serious relationship anymore; im not looking to start dating a particular someone either, but i dont think it's unreasonable for someone 22 to say they want their independence for a while to focus on their life and career. I feel he may be at a point where he might want to start think about settling someone in life (he bought a house recently) and i feel like i am barely starting to begin my life. the thought of marrying anyone righ tnow makes me uncomforable--heck i still live home.
I know I need to end this. But I think my reasons sound a little harsh. I've always been the nice girl, so It's not me to say "you are lacking what i want, see ya."
Id want to let him down as kindly and respectfully as possible. But I dont know how, sorry. I know it has to be an in person thing, so I know it wont be pretty.
You do seem very mature, and I think it's admirable that you know what you want and what you need to do. My advice is to end things as soon as possible without drawing it out any longer now that you've made your decision...that in between phase, as one partner is pulling away but the other isn't sure why, is often the most painful and confusing part of a breakup. So to spare him as much pain as possible, I would find a time to sit him down (it's best to do it in a neutral, but not too public, space) and tell him that you're sorry, but you just don't want to continue on in the relationship. Let him ask you questions for a short time, and explain that you're just not able to sustain this sort of relationship at this point in your life and that you're sorry your feelings have changed, but that you've made your decision and that it's final. If he starts to ask the same questions over and over or beg or try and talk you out of your decision, tell him gently that you are very sorry but this is the way things need to be. And remember he is going to be really vulnerable and replaying the conversation in his head for some time, so no matter how sincerely he implores you to be candid, don't mention his flaws or say anything negative about his role within your relationship. And don't patronize him with the usual cliches--"it's not you, it's me, can we still be friends," etc. The best thing is to cut contact at least until the wounds are less fresh. I've been on your end of breakups all but once, and no matter how resolute you are that you are making the right decision, it's going to be painful for both of you, and you will heal most quickly and thoroughly if you refrain from communication for at least the time being. I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you, but it sounds like you have made a very carefully thought out choice that's best for you, and you should feel proud of yourself for that. Good luck breaking the news to him and moving on...
i'm so thankful for your response. you mentioned what i was thinking but couldnt put into words. i had been putting it off, which I regret--in order to find the right time, but there really isnt going to be a right time.
That is a hard one, but at least you see it and are honest about it.
I would just tell him that school is your number one priority right now and you are no where near ready to settle down. Between focusing on your goals and your work there is no time for a relationship. End it gently, but firmly. There really is no need to bring up what he is lacking in.
And yes, if you were with the right guy, you would not be having second thoughts. But putting that aside, he is 30 and has lived thru going to school and doing the things you should now be doing. You are only 22 and still should have time to explore the world a bit and see what else is out there. That is how we all become well rounded individuals.
It's time to have some fun and see what is around the next corner.