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Old 09-12-2005, 09:28 AM   #1
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bendb HB User
What kind of person am I

For any of you who recognize me from my previous posts, yes I am here about the same situation that I was here about last April. It is still bothering me very much. I am living with the X until I get someone to take my room. I have ads in the papers and I am trying to get out. But for now, I have to see her every day and it is killing me. On to the recent happenings...

For those who don't know, my gf cheated on me last April. I have been through stages where I wanted to forgive her, where I wanted to never see her again. I've cried because I still love her and I've gotten mad and made myself think that I hate her. I've drank way too much and that sure doesn't help either as it just causes a scene like the one that brings me here. But the truth is that all I have wanted since it happens is to be with her. I love her more than anything in this world. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. Saturday night, we got in a little argument. She had fought with her mother and was in a really bad mood and unfortunately, I was the first one she saw and she took it out on me. She said something to me that killed me. I know this sounds harmless, but she said I was just like my dad. I'm not going into why that is so bad, but she knows that those words hurt me worse than any others she could say. I cut loose. I yelled at her. I called her some names, I told her she screwed up a great thing. I was really mean. Then I did it. I got in touch with the girlfriend of the guy she cheated on me with and I told her what happened. I don't know why I did it, but I did. Now I have done it. I want her back more than anything, but I don't see how she can ever forgive me. She told me the next day what I said to her. I haven't slept a wink since. I can't believe the things I said to her. Why did I do that? I love her and I can't understand why I would, in my wildest dreams, try to hurt her like that. I have taken something like her cheating on me and I have turned it completely around and now the blame falls on me. I can't hardly look in the mirror at myself. My life has changed and I don't think I'll ever make it back to the person I was. I told her I wouldn't blame her a bit if she never wanted to look at me again. I don't even want to, so why would she? Here I am, in worse shape five months after the incident than I was when it happened. I'm not sure what I am even asking here. Sorry so long.
bendb

 
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Old 09-12-2005, 10:56 AM   #2
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cinting HB User
Re: What kind of person am I

I can't answer your question, but it sounds like you are the same kind of person I am. She did you wrong by cheating, you forgave her and want to work it out, but now you have done something she won't forgive you for and you are accepting all the blame. I did almost the same exact thing. The difference is that I broke it off with my ex because of the way he talked to me and because at the time I thought we wanted different things. He tried to work it out, said he had changed, and I wouldn't. I dated someone else. Then I wanted to work things out and he won't because of what I did. He said I acted cheap. I can understand how you feel. It has also been 5 months for me, but the reality of this didn't hit me full force until about 3 months ago. I tried to act like I was okay when deep inside I knew I wasn't and I had made a horrible mistake by not giving him a chance to show me he had changed.

Does she want to work it out with you? If she does, and you do, then you will have to put the bad behind you and start over. You will have to let things go. Not bring things up to hurt each other.

Last edited by cinting; 09-12-2005 at 10:58 AM.

 
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