Has anyone out there successfully had a "friend with benefits" situation that ended peacefully & smoothly without either person getting hurt? If so, I would love some advice on how you handled it.
I am currently dating someone who says he is definitely not interested in a serious relationship, and I basically feel the same way. However, there is no denying a very strong growing affection between us (its almost like we are a "pretend" boyfriend/girlfriend for eachother) and there is much growing warmth, tenderness and great communication aside from the great sex. Anyways, things are very relaxed now (although boundaries are still clear that there is no "commitment"), and just so as not to complicate things we only see eachother once a week (my rule). I guess I am worrying though, that seeing him is kind of making me lazy when it comes to meeting new men, which I would like to do, since I feel I am somewhat ready to look for a serious relationship again. He is so busy that he has no time to date anyone else, either. Its like we have a kind of unspoken "monogomy"...is this a good or bad thing? We also both admitted that we would be some jealousy if we found out the other had been with someone else...is this thing destined to end in hurt? We are being very honest with eachother, which will of course help in the long run, but is that enough? Should I put the effort into dating others, even though, for now, I am content with what we have? Are we just building ourselves up to hurt eachother?
Has anyone out there successfully had a "friend with benefits" situation that ended peacefully & smoothly without either person getting hurt? If so, I would love some advice on how you handled it.
I am currently dating someone who says he is definitely not interested in a serious relationship, and I basically feel the same way. However, there is no denying a very strong growing affection between us (its almost like we are a "pretend" boyfriend/girlfriend for eachother) and there is much growing warmth, tenderness and great communication aside from the great sex. Anyways, things are very relaxed now (although boundaries are still clear that there is no "commitment"), and just so as not to complicate things we only see eachother once a week (my rule). I guess I am worrying though, that seeing him is kind of making me lazy when it comes to meeting new men, which I would like to do, since I feel I am somewhat ready to look for a serious relationship again. He is so busy that he has no time to date anyone else, either. Its like we have a kind of unspoken "monogomy"...is this a good or bad thing? We also both admitted that we would be some jealousy if we found out the other had been with someone else...is this thing destined to end in hurt? We are being very honest with eachother, which will of course help in the long run, but is that enough? Should I put the effort into dating others, even though, for now, I am content with what we have? Are we just building ourselves up to hurt eachother?
Well, personally, I think words you used like "lazy" and "jealousy" don't exactly bode well for a nice ending on both sides. Whether this is a good or bad thing probably depends on a few things: what is your long term relationship goal? Do you want to be married, say, within the next 5 or 6 years? If so, you're right, you're not going to find your future husband in your FWB's bed, and your laziness is bound to bite you on the rear one day. When you're young, you think you have all the time in the world to make your dreams come true, but more often than not, you have less time than you thought you did. Secondly, honestly, how are you going to feel if tomorrow, he calls you and says "I met a girl last week, and I think this is the one. She's not comfortable with our situation so I can't see you anymore, sorry, bye." It seems that despite your best intentions, you have developed feelings for this guy, and those feelings will get hurt if and when he starts sleeping with someone else, I can pretty much guarantee it. But if you're prepared for that and are prepared for all the consequences of the short term FWB thing, then I'm not going to say "don't do it." I think you just need to fully prepare yourself for all the consequences.
This is an interesting thread. I think if you are happy with your current situation, then stay in it. You have both been honest with one another and you both agreed on the ground rules from the very beginning. However, if you eventually want something more, then it's up to you to date other men who are looking for the same thing. I would not count on this relationship being anything more than casual unless, and until, your "friend" says he wants more.
If I were you, I would continue to see him on the current terms you both agreed on, but go out and date other men also. You don't need to sleep with any of them. Just meet other men and don't be so available when he wants to see you. Once you starting dating other men, he might change his tune!
He is getting everything he wants right now without making a commitment, so I don't think he will make one unless you change your actions.
Sometimes what starts out as a casual sexual relationship does grow into something deeper.
Men always say they don't want anything serious, until they fall in love. Good luck and remember, all is fair in love and war!
I had such a relationship a few years ago. I just broke up with my first boyfriend and was devastated. I met him at work and we grew close after a few months. He knew I was still disturbed by my breakup and he was too "busy" to date. We talked about it before we started anything. We were friends with benefits but it was a little more than that. We cared about each other. It lasted about two years. This is a tough one. I had a great time with him. He was perfect and he thought I was perfect but we were not perfect for each other. It is difficult for me to have sex without emotions. Eventually I grew to want more from him. I wanted a boyfriend. But since we talked about it prior to the relationship, I couldn't really ask for anything more. It was really difficult when he said things like, "you are going to make some unsuspecting guy miserably happy". One night I saw him downtown with a girl who looked a lot like me. Then I overheard him talking about his girlfriend to a co-worker. I was devasted. He was too busy to have a girlfriend. Something I learned is that no guy is every too busy for the right girl. I was just not the right girl. I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to take home to mom. I really ended up doubting my own self-worth. I cared a lot about this guy but it also caused by a great deal of heartache. I thought I could keep my emotions separate from the physical but I couldn't. I was so bothered by this relationship that I had to move a thousand miles away just so I wouldn't see things in the city that reminded me of how we spent valentine's day together or where we used to go for sunday breakfast.
So before you agree to this, ask yourself if you can honestly handle the fact that he is not your boyfriend and he may one day appear with a girlfriend.
I don't think it's worth, and see the above quote for my reason.
While I think it's always great to take a risk and give something a try, this situation would be at the top of my list for "risks better off not taking".
It simply isn't worth losing your self worth or self esteem over, and no matter how honest and open you two are, the chance of this happening will be there.
Your self-worth is too precious to risk losing, and too hard to get back.
I could see if it was to be a one-night fling, or very brief fling, but to expect it to continue on for any length of time, thinking feelings won't get mixed up, is a recipe for disaster.
To me, it's already a big blinking sign that you have to have rules like only seeing each other once a week.
Last edited by LostMyHeart; 09-12-2005 at 07:33 PM.
Women develop attachments........eventually, that's just the way we're wired. This is, as Lost said, a recipe for disaster. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you already have feelings for him. This has the potential to destroy your self-esteem, if you do.
I agree, it sounds like there are already feelings of more than just friends.
I used to have a friend with benefits, only on a very few occasions though, it wasn't even a weekly thing. We were friends before and we continue to be friends now, we have mutual friends and so still see each other. I had feelings for him, but there were "just friends". Only you know when you have moved on from that to something else. If you have, it is time to stop seeing him. If you haven't, make sure you don't close yourself off from meeting new people and a possible relationship in the future. Enjoy if it is all you want at the moment.
I had a "friends with benefits" deal with a guy I work with a couple years ago...now, we're living together and planning marriage and family. Neither one of us was looking for anything more than fun company--one night a week turned into several...we got so intense with each other that falling in love fell right into the picture at the right time.
I'm not saying that this happens a lot with "FWB" relationships, but you just never know. As long as you are both honest about your feelings(or lack of, for that matter), you will know where you stand and what to expect. My sweetie opened up to me when he felt more than just sexual feelings, and was not afraid to tell me that he loves me before I could say it. I held back my feelings, but I think I fell before him.
Love can happen when you least expect it. Keep your options open, but also pay attention to your FWB and how things progress. You'll get signals if he wants more. Good luck to you.
very good responses, people! thank you...gave me a lot to think about.
To be honest, if he were to ask me to be his girlfriend tomorrow, I would probably end up saying no. As much as I care about him, I do not know for sure if we would work long term as a couple (he is a bit too shy, there is a slight language barrier, and I have not gotten a clear picture yet on why his ex dumped him - as attentive as he his now, he could be one of those guys who totally drops the ball on communication once he is settled with someone - but all speculation of course). Yet, if I were to find out he started dating someone else, I would be upset and feel, as others have described, that while good enough for sex I was not "good enough" for him to "take home to mom". So its a weird, ego-y situation...yet also mixed with genuine affection and caring, so its definitely not black and white. I guess the best thing for me would be, as one suggested, to keep seeing him but continue to seek out other people to date (and stay honest with him). It will be hard, though - even though we are not committed to eachother, I do feel bad about possibly hurting him by seeing someone else - but the fact that I even have to worry about that is a sign in itself - if either of us were TRULY "ok" with it being open, we shouldn't care who the other is with!
I had to jump in here...this is the exactly how my situation started...it grew and snowballed into something entirely different but anyway...
Are you prepared for that? And ask yourself how long should a FWB's type relationship go on? Just because your not ready to commit doesn't necessarily make you ready to let go either does it?
And where you are going to be if he goes or if you go where he is going to be at.
I'm not saying it can't be done in a positive way just look at where you are at...because I’m wondering if there is already more than a friendship here. From what your saying it sounds more like you two are developing stronger feelings for each other but are still not ready to commit. But that is different that FWB's...very different.
I had one of these many years ago and out feelings grew. There is something to be said for having a male friend you can confide anything too. Part of the basis of the growing emotions. Unfortunately, regardless of what we felt for one another in the end, we were never "available" at the same time so never got together. Not sure if it would have actually worked if we did try. He got married a few years ago and ended up trying to call me an hour before the wedding...I didn't answer and they now have two boys. I think if this continues for any amount of time...you very well may both have the thought in the back of your mind the other was "the one that got away". My suggestion is to back off. It all seems like fun now, but eventually there will be serious feelings involved. If you don't want to back off, then at least try to have a relationship with him. That way you can say you tried at least and won't spend the rest of your life wondering if he was the "one". Good Luck!!!
I am comforted to see that I am not the only one who had a FWB relationship go south.... also met someone at work and it went on for 3 years....he was always so affectionate and easy to be around it was hard to believe that I WAS'NT special to him.... after all, I reasoned---anyone who could be that amazing with just anyone would have to have a real screw loose.
He had 2 jobs and was also "too busy" to go out and date. This helped me to feel secure in the relationship. Until he one day told me that he was sort of seeing someone long distance. At first I wasn't upset. He didn't sound serious about her (and his actions BEFORE he told me certainly didn't indicate that he was)... He also continued to suggest we get together after he told me. Then one day after I hadn't heard anything recent on her, I suggested we get together. He said sure come on over, but he was going to go see her the next day. FOR FIVE DAYS.
Hmm, interesting how she got his quality time, you know, him being "so busy". I never spoke to him again. To tell the truth, I knew I was in over my head before I found out about that trip. He had had so many relationships go nowhere in his life that I guess I affectionately thought of him as MY misfit. You're right...there is a lot of ego involved. My feelings of self worth were also trashed. You should date around now, while you still have your head together.
This relationship was awhile ago and I'm over it now. I was agreeing with another poster who described feeling the same way after her bubble was popped---and pointing out to daria that setting herself up this way will inevitably beg the question....why did he choose to DATE HER and NOT ME? I do believe that people can hurt our self worth. Any time we open our hearts, we've trusted that person, sometimes unwisely. Mothers, fathers, friends, and lovers can all hurt us signifigantly and some times for the long term. FWB relationships start out as an eyes wide open agreement but rarely stay that way. No one is complaining about vicitmization, just being honest about hurt feelings.
Last edited by vintagegirl; 09-14-2005 at 06:01 AM.
I don't see how a woman can blame a man for hurting her when the man was upfront and honest from the beginning. When a man says he wants to be "friends with benefits" and the woman agrees to those terms, then she knows exactly what she's getting into.
I would much rather have a man be honest about what he wants in the beginning. At least then, I would know where I stand. So many men lie and play games to get a woman in the sack. Then when they get what they want...boom! They are on to the next woman. That surely has to hurt a lot more!
yes, I must say that the fact that we are so upfront with eachother does help keep everything in check - at least more so than it would be otherwise. One difference btw this guy and the guys I have heard mentioned here is that he WANTS to hang out with me more - as busy as he is, he would be willing to see me more than once a week (even though I feel that could be dangerous). So its not like he's going to pull the "I'm so busy" routine when what he really means is "I need time apart so I can meet other people". YET - he has not changed his mind about not wanting a girlfriend (although it has not been brought up in a few weeks).
I know it is all as simple as dating other guys. I just signed up on e-harmony yesterday! Damn, it is amazing how easily you can start to develop attachments, though, despite trying "not to". I KNOW I dont want him as a boyfriend, yet I will SO miss our dates if one of us starts something with someone else...
I KNOW I dont want him as a boyfriend, yet I will SO miss our dates if one of us starts something with someone else...
I really think that once you get busy seeing other men, your current beau might be afraid of losing you and want a commitment.
Are you sure you don't want him for a boyfriend? You said he wants to see you more than once per week. If this is true, his actions are telling me that he has grown attached to you, whether he admits it verbally or not.
yeah, its a tough one...figuring out what is really going on in his head sometimes. Not to toot my own horn, but the compliments I get the most from him (aside from physical) is just how comfortable he is around me and how much he trusts me - which he has not experienced with a girl in a long time- I simply cannot imagine someone feeling that way and NOT developing feelings for the other person. Unless they are a "player" type, which he definitely does not seem (he is somewhat shy and also ended a 6 year relationship last fall ... I am only the 2nd woman he has slept with!).
So - as much as there are mixed signals from him, he IS relatively new to the whole dating thing, and at age 26 he wants to experience different women and get more experience, etc, and that is his main reason for not wanting to settle any time soon. But I sense at heart he is a 'relationship person' (esp since that is his only experience with women) and out of dating naivete he does not realize how easy it is to get attached (and I do - which is why I set the "once a week' thing).
So, do I "secretly" really want him as a boyfriend? I am a firm believer that just because you are developing feelings for someone does NOT mean you should pursue it or they are "right" for you. It takes a hell of a lot of maturity for someone to not just succumb to the comfort and affection of a new, nice person without REALLY seeing who they are and if you 2 would be compatible in the long run. You overlook SO much when the sex is new and there is so much initial excitement, stimulation & ego-boosting. That euphoric rush can feel a heck of a lot like "love" - or what we assume/hope love to be! So no, I dont think the fact that we want to spend more time together and would be jealous if the other was with someone else necessary means we are falling in love or would be a good match...
I see what you are saying now. He is quite young and since this is only his second relationship, he may need to sow some more wild oats. My hat is off to you for handling the situation so gracefully!
From your post, I get the feeling you don't think he is the right partner for you. So, good luck with your online ad. I tried that site though and was not impressed at all. The other major one (with the short name) is much better and cheaper too, I think.
