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Old 09-12-2005, 04:31 PM   #1
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Unhappy Should I call my friend after 7 years??

It's been 7 years (1998) since my friend and I went our separate ways. We had been friends for 8 years all through grammar and high school, but ever since she went away to college everything changed and went downhill. She found new friends to hang out with and a new boyfriend. Our friendship eventually faded and withered away. At the time, I really didnt' care because I guess I got kind of jealous that she found a whole new set of friends.

So 7 years have passed and I am still thinking of her! I never "replaced" her. I don't even have that same type of close friendship that I had with her with anybody else. Probably around 2000, I sent her a birthday card to her house saying that I missed her and that she should call me. I never heard from her. Then I saw her brother in a store and I told him to have his sister call me, but she never called.

What should I do?? I think about her all the time and I even dream that we are friends again! I actually called her house a week ago and she picked up, but I didn't say a word. I wanted to say something so bad, but the words just wouldn't come out. Should I call her?? If she really wanted my friendship, wouldn't she have called me when I sent her that birthday card? Please help me! I need advice!

 
Old 09-12-2005, 05:21 PM   #2
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Call her, let your feelings be known.....
Take it from there

 
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Old 09-12-2005, 07:06 PM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Just be prepared in case she's just not ready to pick up the friendship for whatever reason.
My maid of honor and I were closest of the close. We have secrets on each other that belong in Fort Knox.
But shortly after we both got married we drifted apart.

That was 16 yrs ago & I've tried 3 times to get our friendship back. We talk or e-mail a bit, we even met for lunch once, but she always ends up dropping the ball.
I finally left it laying there in her court & she never picked it up except to invite us to their Renewal of Vows on their 15th Anniversary.

I still feel sad about it - but I can't keep feeling my friendship is being rejected either.
I'm not sure I could trust her to be there for me now anyway.
And isn't that what friendship is all about?

 
Old 09-13-2005, 06:53 AM   #4
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I'm not sure I could trust her to be there for me now anyway. And isn't that what friendship is all about?
That is very true.

Maybe there is more to your story that we don't know about. I'll share mine with you. My (ex) best friend and I were inseperable. After a while though, her drinking problem was out of control. And on New Year's Eve a couple of years ago, she got out of control and did horrible things to me and some of my other close friends. After that night, I remained her friend because she needed help. But she wasn't ready to get sober. I was afraid she was going to kill someone, so I phoned her parents to see if they (we) could get guardianship of her and get her in and in patient treatment center. Long story short, she wasn't happy with me and she told her parents that if they ever talked to me again, she'd cut them completely from her life.

So the friendship ended. Now just a couple of weeks ago, I got a call on my cell phone - a 'private call'. I answered and no one was there. Then as I'm eating dinner with my boyfriend, the phone rings again and I semi recongnize the number, but couldn't place it, so I answered. Well, it was her. She said she was the one that called privately and freaked when she heard my voice, etc.

She wanted to apologize and tell me that I was her best friend ever, etc.

I took some time to think things over and I actually sent her an e-mail yesterday saying that I accepted the apology, but I had no interest in a friendship. That I wished her well and hoped that she stayed sober.

I just can't go back to that. There was so much damage done. I have forgiven her, but I'm not ready to have her back in my life. She did awful, horrible things. I just don't trust her. I probably never will. And I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

So, if nothing major happened between you two, then I say call. And leave it up to her if she wants to talk to you. Just be prepared that sometimes things don't turn out like you want them too.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 11:11 AM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

I still feel so sad about my lost friendship that Troopers experience really tugged at my heart.

I'm wondering. If you felt jealous of her new friends and it was obvious to her she may have felt that you couldn't have really cared about her happiness if you didn't want her to have any new friends. And while that may not be true, looking back can you see that her faith in your unconditional friendship may have been damaged?

I don't think you should necessarily keep calling/e-mailing/writing until you reach some sort of resolution. You may want to put her on your Christmas Card list for 5 yrs - and maybe on on her birthday too. But without any strings or questions on why she hasn't been in touch. That seem to be her decision/choice at this point.

To be fair, she may not have received your card - her brother may not have passed on the message...
but
if you found her I'm sure she knows where you are.
I'd drop it for now and accept any part you may have played in the loss of the friendship... And send a cheerful Christmas card.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 11:22 AM   #6
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

I also am no longer friends with my best friend. I was hanging out with a guy that I wasn't aware she used to like (nothing happened between us which is the most ridiculous part) and she was extremely jealous that him and I got along so well. She was also in a very happy relationship at that time so I didn't see what the big deal was for her. So she cut me off last December although I apologized and said I wouldn't intentionally hurt her. She pretty much badmouthed me to the group of friends we hung out with every week (I wish I could say we were in high school because of this petty behavior, but we were 25 at the time). For the 20 or so years we were friends, she'd always been a very jealous person and only cared about herself. But I loved her like a sister because we had lots of good times together. I felt really guilty about the whole situation and a few months after that decided to give her a call but her cell phone # changed. So I sent an email and never got a response even though when I checked the status, it said it had been read. I figured I did what I could to fix the friendship but she didn't want that. As guilty as I did feel, it actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me since without having that jealous and self-centered friend in my life, I feel free. As it turns out, 4 of my really close friends that were also friends with her started to really dislike her attitude and wanted to separate themselves from her. I guess everything happens for a reason. If you feel like you really do want to have a friendship with her again, then by all means give her a call. I'm sure it's something that would make you feel a whole lot better, and like I said about my situation, I tried to do what I could and it didn't work out, so always remember that things do happen for a reason. Good luck!

 
Old 09-13-2005, 12:12 PM   #7
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

I also have a long lost best friend that I am no longer in touch with. We were friends since I was 8 and she was 10 I am 26 now and we just grew apart. She can be a very negative person at times and she just wound up bringing me down alot. I do miss her very much but I miss the old her not the jelous negative person she became. She is pregnant now and having her first baby I am excited for her and have thought of giving her a call and wishing her luck with the new baby but have not yet done it. If you feel you want to call your old friend call her but dont expect to rekindle the old friendship as people just grow up and grow apart. But hey who knows I hope you gals can get together for a good cup of coffee and a walk down memory lane !! Give her a call

 
Old 09-13-2005, 04:35 PM   #8
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Thank you guys for all your replies! It looks like a lot of people lose their close friends throughout their lives. It's just so sad because you only live once and there's not that many people you can form that "special bond" with. I know I will never find another friend like the one I lost 7 years ago. I guess that is why I want to get in touch with her again.

Trooper: There is a little more to the story than what I've told. When she went away to college, I told you she made all new friends. Well, these friends of hers, I wasn't particulary too fond of. She would tell me stories that she was doing all these different types of drugs with them. And that was sooo not like her! She knew I was mad about the fact that she was doing all that crap. She probably saw it as her "new" life and I was her old high school life. I mean I like to have my fun too! I like to socialize and drink, so it's not like I was acting like a "mom" when we hung out. So I think that is why our friendship eventually faded. She had found a new set of friends whom I guess fulfilled her interests?? I am sorry to see how your friendship ended. Here you were just looking out for your friend and her drinking problem and she turns it around on you by ending your friendship. If she did horrible things to you, then I can see how you don't need her friendship. It's just a shame that it had to end like that.

Ruth: That is so sad how your friendship just ended like that. To have her be your maid of honor, she must have meant a lot to you. Hopefully you guys can once again become as close as you were 16 years ago. People don't realize how hard it is to find a good friend nowadays. And in response to you, I am pretty sure she received her birthday card. I just wonder sometimes what was going through her mind not to call me. Does she really
not like me anymore?

BostonGirl: Everything certainly does happen for a reason! I have ALWAYS believed in that. I hate hearing about friendships being torn apart because of a guy! I have also had that done to me. Sometimes I think that guys have a much stronger bond with their guy pals than girls do with their girlfriends. Girls can be so petty sometimes! Thanks for your advice.

Lily: Thanks for you advice also. It sounds like you have to give your old friend a call too! Maybe her jealous ways have changed. We can do this together!

But I need to call her. I think about her everyday! It's just that I would have no clue what to even say to her if I did call her. I would be so nervous. And I know that if I heard that she was still into drugs,it would just break my heart because I am going to have to deal with the fact if I even want to consider becoming friends with her again. Ohh what to do what to do !

 
Old 09-13-2005, 06:40 PM   #9
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Maybe she is still doing drugs - or her life hasn't turned out so well because of her drug history...
Maybe that's why she hasn't contacted you.
Are you sure that you have extended the arm of friendship and she is choosing by her silence to say No Thank You???

 
Old 09-13-2005, 07:17 PM   #10
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Ruth brings up a good point regarding the whole drug issue. I'm sure your friend knows that you don't do that and if her life hasn't turned out so well because of it, maybe she's embarassed? I also know exactly what she means about extending your friendship and her silence is a way of saying no thank you. I'm sure that this is exactly what happened with my friend and myself. I sometimes think about the fun times we had in the past (I was actually just looking through some old photo albums) but then I see my life and how it's changed over the past year and I'm happier than I've ever been. Sometimes I do wonder what things would be like now had her and I stayed best friends, but there's no time for what-ifs. Please keep us updated on if you do decide to contact your friend.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 07:20 PM   #11
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope&Dreams

BostonGirl: Everything certainly does happen for a reason! I have ALWAYS believed in that. I hate hearing about friendships being torn apart because of a guy! I have also had that done to me. Sometimes I think that guys have a much stronger bond with their guy pals than girls do with their girlfriends. Girls can be so petty sometimes! Thanks for your advice.
I agree completely. Girls can definitely be way too petty! That's why I'd rather hang out with my guy friends most times!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 01:21 AM   #12
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Maybe she's just been so preocupied she's put it off and lost your card. or maybe she doesnt know what to say either. I had a couple close friends leave. one of my closest friends just stopped calling me one day. i'd call her, but she was drifting and never calling me. i felt she was closing herself off from me. eventually i got the hint, i never knew why....that one hurt me so bad...i still dream about her sometimes, that was 14 yrs ago! My best friend ever was in jr high-high school. She was my closest friend ever, we had a bond I'll never have with anyone. She killed herself 11 yrs ago. I'd give my life to talk to her ONE more time!!!! So dont waste this chance. Your friend is alive, you have an opportunity, take it.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:57 AM   #13
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

Wow this thread brings back so many painful memories.....I think losing a friend can be harder than losing a boyfriend at times.

I met my BFF in 2nd grade. She had just moved next door to me, and I was so excited to finally have a girl my age in the neighborhood. The first time I saw her playing outside, she was so shy, that she ran and hid. I remember standing at the fence saying " I just want to be your friend." haha Well we did become friends and we did everything together. Over the years we ended up having the same teachers, we were in girl scouts together, we played softball together, had slumber parties almost every weekend, did everything together really. Things changed about 8th grade. We had different teachers, I started listening to Nirvana, she became a cheerleader. I still considered her my best friend and made all the effort in the world to continue our friendship even though we were obviously becoming different people. Then one day, I was sitting in class, and the girl next to me leaned over and said "I just thought you should know that, H is telling everyone that she doesnt want to be your friend anymore, but she doesnt know how to tell you." I remember running to the bathroom and crying my eyes out. The next day H called and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her, something she never did, so I knew that she knew I knew, and when I told her no, I knew that she knew that I knew that it was true Well, I moved away the next year, and havent talked to her in about ten years, she sent me a couple of letters when i first moved, and I replied back, and that was it. Her mom still sends us Christmas cards every year. H is living in LA now, doing the whole acting thing. I doubt she ever thinks of me, but I definitely hold a special place in my heart for her still. (Geez that was cheesy wasnt it ? )

Hopes&Dreams, I say give it another try. Call her. At least then either way, you wont have to sit around wondering if she wants to renew the friendship or not. I think it is entirely possible that she may be embarrassed at the way she behaved and/or the way her life has turned out, like the others have said.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 05:55 PM   #14
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

I had a super close friend in middle school we were joined at the hip everyday. Then once highschool hit I changed a bit(guilty I know.) But a couple girls I knew as a kid moved across the street from me and we started spending all of our time together that eventually started to void out my 'old' best friend.

We didnt talk much in highschool, infact we'd walk by each other with out a glance in the halls. I havent seen her except at social town events i spoke to her dad recently and he said she's doing good and all this other stuff.

I wouldnt mind getting in touch w/her, I'd love if she'd come to my wedding next year too. But i'd be to afraid of no contact since I was in a sense the one who "abandoned" her. I know it's a two way street with relationships of any type but what can you do, people change and find new friends, we grow up and mold into what we are "ment" to be.

call her or just send a card letting her know you miss the old friendship you once had. Tell her you know it would never be the same but wouldnt mind seeing her from time to time. If you guys were so close you should have both had a mutual impact on one another. You'd think she'd want to see you again too!!

goodluck and let us know how it goes!!!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:25 PM   #15
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Re: Should I call my friend after 7 years??

I'd like to add another one of my stories about losing a friend but with a happy ending. Nothing bad happened that ended our friendship....after graduating high school we just seemed to go our separate ways. She went to art school and hung out with friends that were just different than the friends I had in college. I think we hung out once after high school. Our sophomore/junior year of college, I heard that she got into a bad car accident and was in the hospital. I thought about visiting but felt uncomfortable, which I think was stupid on my part. It wasn't until late 2003 (after 6 years of not talking) that I got an email at my work address from her. She got a forward from her friend who also happened to be friends with one of my friends. She wasn't sure if the email address belonged to me but figured she'd send a message and see if it was. Since that time, it's like nothing had changed and we've become really good friends again.

 
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