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Old 09-12-2005, 04:34 PM   #1
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what am I doing wrong?

I like to think of myself as an intelligent, intuitive woman. Maybe it's just my method of meeting these guys. I have used the internet primarily for meeting men, since my divorce 9 years ago. They start out fine, and then I always discover that they have some disorder (sometimes after the fact, when all the puzzle pieces fall into place). My list of men that I've had relationships with reads like a laundry list from the psych ward...

Last boyfriend has BPD and is co-dependent, and has some traits of a sociopath

One before that has NPD and some traits of a sociopath

One before that has PTSD, and attempted suicide in the short time I was with him.

My ex-husband was bi-polar (we called it manic-depressive back then)

I have been told that I'm co-dependent by regular people, and told no I'm not, by a counsellor. I don't really think I am so much anymore, but I believe I was, when I was younger (25 years ago).

I've jokingly told my friends, that I'm going to stop dating because I keep attracting men with personality disorders.

I'm ready to just accept being by myself. At least that way I'm at peace and don't have to worry about someone disappointing me.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 02:25 AM   #2
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

my daughter has the same problem. she is 26. beautiful,well dressed, professional, independent, intellegent with a great personality. she has not had an easy life for such a young girl. every boyfriend has ended up with a story. some after just weeks and some after months. she was always involved so always got hurt. ended up with on-line dating to give it a try. met 6 different guys that she spent time online and on the phone getting to know. sometimes after the first meeting she knew they had lied or something was wrong. i find it amazing how this world is that nice beautiful intellegent women cannot meet a guy like them. everyone has sooooooo much baggage now a days. she has somewhat given up ever meeting someone who can share her life. doesn't understand why when she is honest about what she is looking for they lie and then within a month their true colors come through. i don't know if you are co-dependent or not. i was told for years that i was. my therapist tells me i am not. sometimes i think certain personalities just attract certain personalities. if you didn't see it i would think maybe the co-dependent dragon is rearing his ugly head.

 
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Old 09-13-2005, 06:57 AM   #3
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

you're not kidding about the baggage, especially at my age, 45.
I would think the guys your daughters age would have less baggage, but I know there are so many people out there with problems, at any age!
I guess you're right about certain personalities attracting certain personalities, but the thing is, I don't see these particular traits in the beginning, because they are hiding them so well!
It's not like I will put up with anyone, just to have someone. I'm not desperate, in fact I enjoy being alone.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 09:25 AM   #4
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

I honestly think to myself sometimes that in some crazy way we are all born with baggage. It seems like someone is always something. I have been told by Psychologists that I am "normal" Just have everyday issues. But then My family phsyician suggests I be on ant-depressants, because I can't sleep. Years ago no one was "diagnosed" with anything. Now it's strange. Is anyone really "normal" anymore?

 
Old 02-19-2008, 02:58 PM   #5
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Hi.....

I have the same problem as you Rosequartz...

My boyfriends and husband have been some combination of bi-polar, depressed, anxious, or borderline....that is my diagnosis.

I am attracted to what I know.

It can come with a different wrapping, but when you remove all the paper, the package is similar to me.

People put on a "front" when meeting someone new. Men that I thought were really confident....turned out to be anxious, and insecure.

If it looks too good to be true, it usually is.

I may stay single too.....


Lil

 
Old 02-19-2008, 03:06 PM   #6
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pri Lily View Post
Hi.....

I have the same problem as you Rosequartz...

My boyfriends and husband have been some combination of bi-polar, depressed, anxious, or borderline....that is my diagnosis.

I am attracted to what I know.

It can come with a different wrapping, but when you remove all the paper, the package is similar to me.

People put on a "front" when meeting someone new. Men that I thought were really confident....turned out to be anxious, and insecure.

If it looks too good to be true, it usually is.

I may stay single too.....


Lil
Hi Lil, thanks for replying

are you suggesting that I may have some of these same disorders? I was very surprised when HurtininHouston came on initially posting about her partners BPD, then turns out she's convinced that she has it too. I'm positive that I'm not bi-polar, BPD, PTSD or NPD.
The one thing that I WILL admit to is that I have OCD.......

I don't think I'm attracted to what I know, I think it used to stem from being co-dependent and trying to help people. I have struggled with co-dependency and now that I am aware of it I have had to make myself more selfish (if that makes any sense), just so i meet my needs and not always everyone elses. In fact I think the only way I can NOT be codependent is to not be in a relationship......does that make any sense?

 
Old 02-19-2008, 03:31 PM   #7
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Quote:

are you suggesting that I may have some of these same disorders? I was very surprised when HurtininHouston came on initially posting about her partners BPD, then turns out she's convinced that she has it too. I'm positive that I'm not bi-polar, BPD, PTSD or NPD.
The one thing that I WILL admit to is that I have OCD.......

I don't think I'm attracted to what I know, I think it used to stem from being co-dependent and trying to help people. I have struggled with co-dependency and now that I am aware of it I have had to make myself more selfish (if that makes any sense), just so i meet my needs and not always everyone elses. In fact I think the only way I can NOT be codependent is to not be in a relationship......does that make any sense?
Hi Rosequartz.....

I wasn't suggesting that you have any disorders, I was talking about my own experience.

I always end up with what I know, no matter how different it looks at first.

I am also a very "solution" oriented person, so when I see someone that's having problems, I want to help them...some people turn and run...not me...the bigger the problems, the better.

Not being in a relationship, maybe being the best thing was what I was referring to....

Sorry for the confusion...

Lil

 
Old 02-19-2008, 08:35 PM   #8
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

maybe it's what I "know" in terms of partners, and not what I know in terms of myself. I know what you mean about being alone sometimes is best, so much less stress to deal with! I just thought maybe you thought I exhibited some characteristics of something when you were drawing the parallel, and I am open to your suggestions, as I respect your opinion.
Sometimes I would wonder if I was turning narcississtic as a polar opposite to defy co-dependency. I asked a friend and he said definately not and that made me feel better, but like I said I have had to conciously make an effort to become selfish, otherwise I get too drained by other people.
I used to always be that person who was up to solving a problem, other peoples problems. I realize now that's a symptom of co-dependency. I used to always try to save people, to help people. I'm done with that now. I don't want to take on a project. I'm almost to the point where I don't want to let anyone into my life and I don't want to get involved in anyone elses.
Here's a perfect example....the short relationship with the guy who had PTSD....I was absolutely nuts about this guy and still think about him regularly. It was a very short relationship. We met on-line, really clicked on many different levels. I felt like we really connected. He was very troubled due to terrible abuse from his childhood. He recounted this terror to me. I didn't push him to talk about it. I guess he felt like he could trust me enough to talk about it......and I felt honored and special that he was able to confide in me. We had a date set up and he was really excited about seeing me and then I didn't hear from him. I called, left messages, called the morgue, drove by his house, etc. About 2 weeks later after I couldn't figure out what happened, he called from the psych ward at the hospital......he had tried to kill himself. Not because of anything to do with me......but indirectly it was.....talking to me had dreged up all kinds of bad stuff for him. I didn't elicit this information from him, I let him talk......and that's the outcome. I went and saw him there a few times and wrote him a long letter telling him that I believed in him and I would stick by him and help him through his bad times, etc.....you get the gist......well his counsellor said relationships at this point are not a good idea, and I can understand that....he said he needed to be selfish, ok I understand but was still willing to stand by him. He didn't want to drag me along for the journey although I was willing to go.
To this day I worry about him, wonder what happened to him, hope he's ok and check the obitiuaries regularly. So far he hasn't shown up in them, and that's a good thing. BTW I'm so sorry about not using paragraphs, I know it's a little late for that now....
But anyway my point is, that these types of souls keep finding their way to me, and after reflecting on what COULD have happened, just because someone talked to me, I got scared and almost don't want to affect anyone else's life in a way that could turn out negatively.
After that relationship I found myself with the BPD guy and since then (2 years) I've had no desire to look for another relationship and don't know if/when I ever will......
Thanks for listening.....

 
Old 02-20-2008, 07:12 AM   #9
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Hi Rosequartz, maybe it is where you are looking for the men? Different types of people hang out in different places. Those who do not value themselves hang out in places where they can be more comfortable. People who value themselves hang out in places that reflect this. Do you think that you might be drawn to certain areas because of how much value that you feel that you have?

 
Old 02-20-2008, 07:33 AM   #10
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hi Rosequartz, maybe it is where you are looking for the men? Different types of people hang out in different places. Those who do not value themselves hang out in places where they can be more comfortable. People who value themselves hang out in places that reflect this. Do you think that you might be drawn to certain areas because of how much value that you feel that you have?
well like I said, I was finding most of them on-line. Does that mean I feel like I have low value? I don't know.....it was just another avenue, a tool to meet people. I wasn't hanging out in bars.....been there done that 20 something years ago.....LOL

 
Old 02-20-2008, 07:59 AM   #11
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

People who think that they have value go to bars too.

I have been on both sides of this fence so I know the subject intimately.

Last edited by Sannah; 02-20-2008 at 08:00 AM.

 
Old 02-20-2008, 08:12 AM   #12
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

I just thought of a test for you Rosequartz. If a really educated, great looking and kind guy came up to you and was interested in dating you what would be your reaction?

 
Old 02-20-2008, 08:14 AM   #13
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
I just thought of a test for you Rosequartz. If a really educated, great looking and kind guy came up to you and was interested in dating you what would be your reaction?
LOL is this a trick question Sannah??
I've probably give it a chance.......

 
Old 02-20-2008, 08:30 AM   #14
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Really, when I had low self-worth my reaction would have been fear. I would have thought "what is this guy seeing in me" and I would have run back to where I was comfortable, back with others who also had low self-worth. This is exactly what I did in middle school. If this is your true reaction you passed the test for your self-worth. Is it really your true reaction? Can you really visualize yourself in this situation?

Last edited by Sannah; 02-20-2008 at 08:31 AM.

 
Old 02-20-2008, 08:37 AM   #15
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Re: what am I doing wrong?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Really, when I had low self-worth my reaction would have been fear. I would have thought "what is this guy seeing in me" and I would have run back to where I was comfortable, back with others who also had low self-worth. This is exactly what I did in middle school. If this is your true reaction you passed the test for your self-worth. Is it really your true reaction? Can you really visualize yourself in this situation?
well I think this is as true of a reaction as I can imagine....since it is hypothetical. I might also remind myself that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, and what's the catch?
But I don't think I would be afraid, but I would probably keep my guard up......that's not such a bad thing, is it?

 
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