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Old 09-13-2005, 12:44 PM   #1
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Nature of a long term relationship

My question is about things slowing down in a long term relationship.

I have been with my girlfriend for close to a year and a half. She is moving in with me in two months, we plan on getting married in the future and starting a family after that.

This is my first relationship period. This has made everything a new experieince including being in a long term relationship. What is concerning me is the feeling that things are slowing down. I guess it should not make me feel insecure but it does. I think what happened to when we use to just make out for no reason? Or when we had sex at differant times of the day not just late at night? Or when she use to have alot more sexual energy for me? I remember the girl that I first met and how I could not beat her off me with a stick.... I truely miss that. I really miss the constant physical attention. It kind of became part of my ego.

I know their is not a normal for relationships but do the tend to slow down after a year or a year and a half. Are people less physical over time? Should I not be offended? Should I think that it does not have anything to do with how much she is attracted to me or loves me? I have heard of this happening in a relationship after their is marriage and kids. I didn't think things usually slowed down until than.

Should I just be happy that I am in a long term relationship with someone who loves me with all of her heart? Should I not worry about the physical part slowing down because emotionally are hearts are as on fire as when we met.

I really know the answer to my questions. I am just looking for someone else to tell me that it is okay and it is a normal part of a long term relationship. I use to look on television and see the long term relationship couple and think awww how cute. That looks so nice a comfortable. I think the real problem is her physical affection and attention towards me became part of my ego. Now I feel as if their is something missing.

 
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Old 09-13-2005, 01:20 PM   #2
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: Nature of a long term relationship

Hi Orion-

You sound like such a nice caring guy. I'm in my 30's, so I've been through this process at least a couple of times. When it's been really drastic we broke up. But in my relationships that have lasted, the physical attraction definitely ebbs and flows depending on what's going on, how stressed we are, etc. For women, at least some women, it's really important to have the romance and the variety to keep things exciting. All my friends have had to remind their boyfriends that if they get to go out and get dressed up they're going to feel more attractive and sexy. Also variety with physical intimacy can be very important too. I'd talk to your girlfriend and let her know you want to make sure you guys have a great physical life together and ask explicitly what kind of things she'd like to do. It might be different from what you learned about her a year ago. If you're going to stay together you definitely have to learn how to have those talks.

R

 
Old 09-14-2005, 12:35 AM   #3
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mada_3083 HB User
Re: Nature of a long term relationship

another thing

familiarity is nice... but it's also potentially the death to a relationship.

spend less time with her, and more QUALITY time

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:56 AM   #4
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Re: Nature of a long term relationship

Hi Orion I have to say that things do fizzle a bit but it is not a bad thing it is that the relationship is growing and you are much more familier with each other. What happens is that the newness wears off. One thing I will say is that when you move in together things can really cool off for some reason. It would be upto you both to keep it passionate and fun as sometimes the passions just gets lost in the everyday issues. But please be reassured that this is completly normal to not have have make out sessions on a regular basis after reaching the one year mark but it does not mean that they are gone!!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 08:18 AM   #5
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Re: Nature of a long term relationship

A lot of what you are describing sounds totally normal for a couple together as long as you 2 (for some of my relationships, that phase came a lot quicker!). I think it is pretty rare for 2 people to spend that much close time together and not have the passion die down a bit - I would not jump to the conclusion that she no longer finds you sexy or that the relationship is doomed to fail.
However, I think it is important that this is discussed - simply becasue it is worrying you. Something like this, what is probably just a normal "rut", could become more if one of you is harboring feelings of insecurity of resentment over it towards the other. THEN it could snowball into something worse.
But the fact that the sex has slowed down, is getting a bit routine - come on! What long-term relationship hasn't that happened to?

 
Old 09-14-2005, 12:19 PM   #6
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Re: Nature of a long term relationship

It's a cliche but sometimes distancing yourself for a bit can make someone realise what they are missing and refuel that lust by capturing the same kind of experiences you had when you were first dating. Often everyday life including work/worries/chores can just seem to take over and sex takes a back seat when you see a lot of one another so a little space can help. Sometimes just a bit of cheeky banter and flirting even if at a distance can also replicate the beginnings of a relationship and remind you of that first lust again. It's just about being excited by the relationship/other person again. It hasn't necessarily gone away, you just get numbed by the relationship becoming part of your everydsy routine and so it doesn't appear to stand out so much. Failing that you could always discuss spicing things up a bit! Just talking about what DOES make you tick, sexual or not so, can make you more passionate about things.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 12:38 PM   #7
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Re: Nature of a long term relationship

I just wanted to say I've been dating a wonderful man for just over a year now and it is still as great, if not better, than it was. I know one reason for this is we don't live together. Plus, we've not had sex yet. We "play" but he told me he wants to wait until he is married. He isn't a virgin, but considers himself a born again virgin. We are intimate in so many other ways. We could be watching a movie and be sooo close. I've never been in a relationship like this before. It is different bc I've always been sexually active but it is ok. I admire him for it. Take this time to learn about each other, everything other than sex.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 02:33 PM   #8
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Falcon554 HB User
Re: Nature of a long term relationship

Well being married for 20 years you do go thru the ups and downs. But after 20 years my wife and I, even though she had an affair and we are in the middle of a divorce, (may or may not go thru) we still have a passion for eachother like you would not belive. But we always have had that since the day I met her at 16 years old. I moved back into the house for a month and well we did it 40+ times

Its the rest of our relationship that sucked, and now we are trying to fix that. So that passion does not have to end, it does take work tho, alot of it. But you can make quickies in the bathroom or anywhere passionate.

 
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