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Old 09-13-2005, 01:24 PM   #1
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cinting HB User
I don't want to go on...

I can't do this. I am in absolute misery. He's not coming back, it's too late for him. I need to get some things straightened out because I can not go on like this.

Last edited by cinting; 09-13-2005 at 01:24 PM.

 
Old 09-13-2005, 01:33 PM   #2
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
I can't do this. I am in absolute misery. He's not coming back, it's too late for him. I need to get some things straightened out because I can not go on like this.

(((HUGS))) What exactly do you need to get straight, cinting? What can we help you with? Talk to us, sweetie.

 
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Old 09-14-2005, 12:15 PM   #3
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Re: I don't want to go on...

cinting - how are you doing today? Check in, ok?

Last edited by Hiya; 09-14-2005 at 12:15 PM.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 01:52 PM   #4
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
cinting - how are you doing today? Check in, ok?
Thanks Hiya. Hugs for you! I am not doing too good the past couple of days. Everything in my life is changing, everything is falling apart. I tried to cut my hours back at my part-time job so I wouldn't feel so tired, and I don't think they are going to work with me. I will probably have to quit. Things are changing with my full-time job (which I love), and it is becoming more stressful everyday. I work at a cancer center and am grateful for my job.

But I still can't get things out of my head, I still want him to come back. I have had some pretty bad thoughts lately about how to make things easier. I know that makes me sound like a weak person, I guess I am. I really agree with something someone said on here about it would be so much better if you could at least have yourself back. I missed my counselling appt yesterday, so tired, can't sleep at nights, that I overslept. I haven't seen him or tried to call him and I have to fight it every second not to pick up the phone, even though I know he wouldn't answer and talk to me anyway. I am holding on to this hope that he will change his mind and call or try to talk to me somehow. My sister told me today that I am so deep in this situation I can't see the damage that has been done to me. She told me that I have lost myself and he destroyed me, that the person I was before would never have put up with what I did. She told me that I listened to the things he was saying to me for so long, and even though I tried to stand up for myself for a while, I ended up just giving in and in turn believing everything he has ever said to me. She has even said that I say things now like I never would have before.

Thanks so much for caring about how I was. It almost made me cry when I saw that you guys had posted asking how things are.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 02:20 PM   #5
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Re: I don't want to go on...

cinting - of course we all care how you are. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, some formula to make it all better, but with me, I'm afraid it's sort of the blind leading the blind. I've been in your shoes, and still am, actually. I still haven't figured out how to get over all this, or how to stop hoping he will come back, even though he's been married now for 3 years. But all we can do is to just keep truckin' and try to be as positive as possible. I know it's hard. My usual smart alec response to that is "yeah, I'm positive I'll never be happy again!"

All I can do is tell you some of the things I've tried and hope you have better success than I did, because I know that these things should help in most cases.

It sounds like you're battling some fairly serious depression. Try not to miss appointments with your counselor. As far as your sleeping habits, try not to sleep when you come home from work. Try to avoid naps and sleep at bedtime. By then you should be tired enough to get a reasonably good night's sleep. Try to step up your exercise as well.

You say things are getting more stressful at your full time job. Does that mean more responsibility? Would it be possible to ask for a review of your performance and request a raise? Maybe with a little more money you won't have to work your part time job anymore.

I think we both bought into the nit picking and degrading things our exes said to us because we had no other source to counter it. You need to get other sources to counter all the things he said. The most important source of course is yourself, but I'm not going to lecture you on self love, being that I stink at it so badly myself. But at the very least, I can say that deep down, even though I may feel like a piece of garbage, deep down I know I deserved better than how my ex treated me. And you do, too.

Hang in there. I hope things start looking up for you soon. It could also be the change of season that is contributing to your mood. Fall really hit here last weekend, and I've been really down ever since, mainly because I met and started dating my ex in the fall, so every year when the weather turns colder, I get that awful, empy sad feeling, but this year it's even worse. Fall used to be my favorite season, and I used to love to watch the leaves change and everything, but it just makes me sad now. I really dread the idea of having to go through yet another fall feeling like this and still being alone. I'm so sorry someone else has to go through this, it makes me mad that some men out there play these games. Take what makes us us, what's in our hearts, our minds, our most sacred beliefs and make all those things that make us special and unique, the things we are most proud of, and turn them into all the reasons why we weren't good enough to be loved. But you must believe you are. Try to spend as much time as possible with friends and family, not necessarily so much to bend their ears and use them for crying towels, but just for support, for not being alone, and to reflect that you are a valuable, lovable person. I'm rooting for you.

Last edited by Hiya; 09-14-2005 at 02:23 PM.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 12:07 PM   #6
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Thanks Hiya, for rooting for me, for everything. I know what you mean about taking things about yourself, beating you down with it, and making you believe. It wasn't even a month after I started dating my ex that I started telling my sister that I was a bad person, and she was telling me to get away from him. I probably should have stayed away that first time I broke it off. At least then, I wasn't so crazy in love and I think I maybe had some confidence in myself. But all that doesn't matter anymore. Regardless, I love him and I always will. He had told me that I had done this twice to him, broke it off with him because of the way he was with me, and was with other people. He asked me how could he know that 5 yrs down the road if we come upon another rough patch, how did he know that I wouldn't leave? Maybe he's right, maybe I really don't deserve to be with him. But I do know that if he would not have been the way he was with me, I would have never wanted anything else. It seems like the things that I don't want to happen always end up happening to me. Now I worry that he will end up with someone I know and I will have to see him being with someone else, which will destroy me even more. When I broke it off with him, he told his family the things I had told him that he disapproved of, and even though they didn't condone his treatment of me, they wouldn't approve of him being with me now. His sister-in-law judged me and she had never even met me. I saw them a few months after we had broke up and she told me that they were praying that my ex would find a GOOD woman, emphasis on good. It hurt my feelings like H***, but I just agreed and walked away, instead of saying that he had a good woman in me, and he didn't treat me right. Sometimes I feel like I make too much of the way he talked to me, because in the end it wasn't the reason that made me break it off, but it seemed like once I had, it all came down to that. His realization of how he was wrong, hitting rock bottom over losing me and rededicating his life. I honestly can't do this, and yet I know that I did this to myself. If I would have only gave him the chance he wanted when he asked for it, instead of making a stupid, impulsive decision and going on anger, I would be with the man I love right now.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 01:28 PM   #7
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Hey cinting - there's still a lot in your post that sounds a lot like me, and even though I'm guilty of it myself, it's really stinkin' thinkin'. Like I've said before, you were only doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. But I know how hard it is to forgive yourself. I said so many things to my ex that I regret now, so many things I didn't even mean, that I said just in the heat of the moment, out of frustration of feeling like I wasn't being heard or understood or whatever. It's been really hard to forgive myself, but I think deep down, I have. I'm not perfect, and you know what, we're allowed to make mistakes. We're allowed to say things we don't mean and we're allowed to be inexperienced. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and hope they make us better, stronger, smarter, wiser people in the long run. I still feel a tremendous amount of frustration at knowing that my ex will never understand or even know the real me. The me I am when I'm not just coming off a really bad, negative experience, when I'm not struggling with the death of the only dream I ever really had, when I'm not being put down or disregarded or disrespected. But I learned a lot of lessons. I think I've been able to take those lessons and use them to grow.

As far as your ex's sister in law, she doesn't even know you. She thinks she's sticking up for her brother in law, but she has no idea what it was like to be in a relationship with your ex. She wasn't there. So just tell her to go to h-e-double toothpicks. My ex's friend, our mutual friend, can't understand why I'm having such a hard time letting go, and he's like "you guys just didn't get along, you had religious and political differences, it didn't work out, man, just get over it!" but he wasn't there and he has no idea what happened between us. He didn't understand why I took it so hard when he told me my ex's wife had had her tubes tied, he was like "so? What's the big deal?" because he wasn't there when my ex told me he couldn't be with a woman who would use any form of birth control other than natural family planning and he wasn't there when we went to our priest for counsel and he told us the Catholic view of vasectomies and tubal ligations. I know it's frustrating, I know it's hard to feel like you weren't given a fair chance and you were misunderstood, but try not to take it personally. His family members don't really know you. And to use this break up to make you feel bad and to suggest that you aren't a good person when they don't even know you isn't a very Christian thing to do anyway, so who is she to be throwing stones?

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to ind a way to break that cycle of thinking that you're stuck in now. Like I've said, I wish I had a guaranteed recipe or method of doing it, but I haven't been able to myself. All I can do is warn you of what could happen to your mind and heart if you don't give it all you've got. It's a vicious circle, and it only spirals downward. You keep internalizing and internalizing until you won't know how to look in the mirror and see anything other than the woman he saw as not good enough to love. You've got to break this thinking right now. Have friends and family been of any help to you? Now is the time to lean a little on the people in your life who love and care about you. You don't need to cry on their shoulder about your ex constantly, but it will help just to have someone to keep company with, someone to go to a funny movie and laugh with, or just talk about work or current events with. Someone who will appreciate the way your heart and mind work and will reflect positive back to you. And of course feel free to come here anytime for support or just to vent. But remember, it takes two to derail a relationship. You are not the villian here. You had good intentions and did your best with what you had to work with.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 06:27 AM   #8
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Hey Hiya! I really hope that one day I will feel as though I did the best I could do with what I had to work with. But the cold hard truth is that I didn't take responsiblity for a relationship with a man that I love. I had waited for so long to hear him say the things he ended up saying to me, and what do I do?. Give him up, give it all up. I just gave up. I was soooo wrong to do that. I really can't blame him for not wanting to be with me. He is right that what he did was between me and him, I always involve someone outside of our relationship. He had told me that we would never have to run into his mistake, or pass it on the road, but we would mine.

I had a really hard time last night, and I gave in to wanting to call him. He didn't answer, I don't know what I could have said if he did, but I tried. Then I saw him this morning, and it breaks my heart. Why do I feel as though I still have hope? Why do I feel if we got back together, it would all be right, we would do it right?

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:12 AM   #9
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Hey Hiya! I really hope that one day I will feel as though I did the best I could do with what I had to work with. But the cold hard truth is that I didn't take responsiblity for a relationship with a man that I love. I had waited for so long to hear him say the things he ended up saying to me, and what do I do?. Give him up, give it all up. I just gave up. I was soooo wrong to do that. I really can't blame him for not wanting to be with me. He is right that what he did was between me and him, I always involve someone outside of our relationship. He had told me that we would never have to run into his mistake, or pass it on the road, but we would mine.

I had a really hard time last night, and I gave in to wanting to call him. He didn't answer, I don't know what I could have said if he did, but I tried. Then I saw him this morning, and it breaks my heart. Why do I feel as though I still have hope? Why do I feel if we got back together, it would all be right, we would do it right?

That's called wishful thinking, and I think a certain amount of it is only natural when you first break up with someone you really loved and still miss. You fantasize about re-doing everything and making work out right this time. BUt I guess that's what everyone means when they say "move on." It was hard to get it through my head, but it's just about accepting that it's done, for better or worse, and it's time to look down the road at the next thing to come along.

Please don't allow yourself to get sucked into his thinking, that you seeing this other guy was a "mistake." You were broken up. He forced your hand and got you to end it by being so unyielding and so unwilling to compromise. You moved on to someone else, which you had every right to do. My ex almost pulled the same kind of garbage on me. After we broke up for the first time, I was asked out by the UPS guy who delivered to our office. He said he wanted to see me sometime, but I didn't want to say yes with everyone in the office watching, so I gave him my phone number and said I'd think about it and for him to call me. He never did, and later said "well, I figured if you had to think about it that hard, the answer would be no." Which wasn't true, I was sort of upset at him being so wimpy about it, but anyway, my ex and I got back together I think he asked me if I had seen anyone else while we were apart, or maybe I asked him first, I don't remember, but I mentioned the UPS guy and he got a little jealous, and I told him flat out that he wouldn't have any right to be upset if I had gone out with him, because he had dumped me and I was free to see anyone I wanted. By the same token, your relationship with this guy wasn't working. He was being difficult and uncompromising, and you left, as I'm sure he was hoping you'd do. I think it's really low of him to use the other guy you saw as an excuse to not be with you now. That's just crap. I'm certain, as sure as I'm sitting here, if you hadn't broken it off, he would have, sooner or later, I guarantee it. He's not being honest with you. He's weak, and can't tell you the truth, that he just didn't want to be with you anymore, and is using this other guy to make you feel bad, and to make you feel responsible. Man, I can't believe there's another guy out there like my ex.

When you thought the relationship was over you had a right to see other people. And it's not like after Ross and Rachel broke up the first time and Ross ran out and slept with Cloe three hours later. You didn't make a mistake, you were trying to move on with your life. And you need to do the same now. I think it's really unfair of him to use the fact that you were simply moving ahead with your life, which makes it almost impossible for you to feel like you can do that now. As long as you keep thinking that this other guy is the reason you're not with your ex anymore, you will never be able to move on. And believe me, this other guy is NOT the reason. If the two of you had really been compatible, and if he had wanted to relationship to work as much as you did, it would have.

I know how hard it is to believe what I'm saying to you now. I tell the same thing to myself every day, and still can't seem to quite believe it. I still blame myself, if I had only tried harder to get along with his friends who didn't like me, if I hadn't let the stress of other situations affect me and bleed into the relationship, if I had only this or only hadn't that, I'd be happily married with a couple of beautiful kids, a nice home and a life that actually means something to me, instead of the TTE. Although I know I made mistakes, and I do regret some of the things I did and how inexperienced and selfish I was in many ways, it was just who I was back then, and who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have been that way if he hadn't been so unyielding in his religious beliefs, refusing to make room for me in his life, if he hadn't screamed at me to shut up during a pictionary game with his friends, if he hadn't openly ogled other women right in front of me, or whatever. I don't know if it's a matter of bad timing or just not being right for each other, but you have to believe that things didn't work out for a reason, and that reason will eventually prove to be a good one. I know how hard it is. But the first step in moving ahead and letting go of this pain is to stop beating yourself up. It takes two to mess up a relationship. You're not all to blame, no matter what he and his family tries to tell you.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:27 AM   #10
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Thanks Hiya. I do blame myself though. How can I blame him for not wanting to be with me when this has happened twice? I broke it off with him when we first started seeing each other because of the things he was saying to me and went back to the guy I had been with for a year and a half before him. He used the old saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". He said that he had to use a little wisdom, that I was dangerous for him. I do have bad character, I do make bad decisions.

Last edited by cinting; 09-16-2005 at 07:33 AM.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:44 AM   #11
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
I broke it off with him when we first started seeing each other because of the things he was saying to me and went back to the guy I had been with for a year and a half before him. He used the old saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". He said that he had to use a little wisdom, that I was dangerous for him. I do have bad character, I do make bad decisions.
Look at what I put in bold in your above post, cinting. You were smart enough to know when someone is being belittling or verbally abusive. Could it be perhaps you know deep down inside that this guy wasn't right for you, but you're just lonely and scared of ending up alone, and that's why you feel the desperate need to get back together with a guy you know isn't right for you?

I don't think this means you have bad character. Or even that you make bad decisions. Please try to be a little more generous and forgiving to yourself.

Think back on what was going on in the relationship just before you broke it off. Then make two lists, one list of all the wonderful, blissful, good things about the relationship, and another list of all the bad, annoying, frustrating, smothering, bad things about it. Then compare the two.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 11:44 AM   #12
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Look at what I put in bold in your above post, cinting. You were smart enough to know when someone is being belittling or verbally abusive. Could it be perhaps you know deep down inside that this guy wasn't right for you, but you're just lonely and scared of ending up alone, and that's why you feel the desperate need to get back together with a guy you know isn't right for you?
I don't think it's because I am afraid that I will end up alone. I am lonely, but I don't just want company. I want his. I tried to be with someone else and it was a huge mistake. I don't know why I let it go as far as I did, but then it was like after I did, I felt guilty and trapped. I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be, but I was concerned about hurting the feelings of the guy I started seeing. I should have been concerned about me. You know, when I broke it off with my ex, he did try to get me back, but he was still saying the same things and backing up his decision on not wanting to have a baby with things that family and friends had said to him. I wouldn't go back. It was only a couple of weeks before I went out with someone else. Then he came to my work and told me that he would do anything, and I had to tell him that I had been out with someone. He still wanted to work it out, came to my house, then he went to the preacher and rededicated his life. He still said he wanted to be with me, but he couldn't guarantee that we would get back together, but he wanted me to be still and not go out with anyone and not let something happen I couldn't take back. So I told him okay, I wouldn't date anyone, but I didn't want to talk to him either, I wanted time to think and be by myself, but he said no that he had to talk to me everyday, which I knew was only to make sure of what I was doing. Anyway, this angered me, and I said never mind. Sometime in the midst of this, he called and said he needed to make amends and told me about the girl (very young girl) that he had went riding around with 5 or 6 times, kissing only, that for a year he had not told me about. Doesn't matter, but I looked her name up on my computer at work and found out how old she was which bothered me because of the hard time he had given me over the older man I had dated. So I had to call him and tell him that I knew and he threatened to call my work and report me for looking things up I shouldn't. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks after this, and then I started trying to call him. And in the meantime I had let it go farther than it ever should have with the guy I had started seeing. Finally, when I text messaged him that I was sorry, he called me. We both went to talk to his preacher and the preacher more or less backed up things he had said to me (I was living the life of a *****), and told me that me and my ex would probably not be together, come to find out my ex had told him to say that. So we didn't talk for a couple of days, and then I went to his house. At first, he wasn't going to talk to me, told me that I open the door for the devil to him. He called the law on me because I wouldn't leave and wanted to talk to him. We didn't talk for about a month after that and then we did for a couple of hours one night. He has always said everytime he talks to me that he wants to be with me, thinks about how we can, but can't because of decisions I made. I would try to call and he wouldn't answer and then a couple of months ago, I called and he answered and set me up with the guy I had been seeing so he could hear everything I said to my ex, which was ok because I was going to tell him I couldn't see him anymore anyway. I had told him all along how I felt and he knew I wasn't over my ex and the things that had happened. Of course, my ex called and apologized over the things he had said to me when this happened.

Quote:
I don't think this means you have bad character. Or even that you make bad decisions. Please try to be a little more generous and forgiving to yourself.
Everytime I talk to my ex he says that he would love to be with me, but when he turned to God, I turned to another mans bed. That's bad character, when I knew I was in love with someone else. I am so sorry this is so long, I just wanted to tell you more of the story.

Last edited by cinting; 09-16-2005 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 12:21 PM   #13
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Everytime I talk to my ex he says that he would love to be with me, but when he turned to God, I turned to another mans bed. That's bad character, when I knew I was in love with someone else. I am so sorry this is so long, I just wanted to tell you more of the story.
Ok, first of all, it doesn't sound at all like he turned to God. Telling his minister to basically lie for him, having that minister call you a foul name, messing around with another girl, calling all the shots, saying he can't promise you a future but doesn't want you seeing other men...Honey, this is not a man who has turned to God. This is a man who was using God as a tool of manipulation to make you do exactly what was convenient for him. I know it hurts, but I just hope someday soon you can see you're better off without this jerk.

I think that for any relationship to work, you must first be true to yourself. How else are you going to know if your SO is right for you, if you don't know who YOU is first? I really feel for you. I know just how you feel. I went through pretty much the same thing, except with me, it wasn't another man, it was just my basic philosophies and opinions that got more and more suffocated and they just errupted threefold, more strongly than I really believed them, but basically what I felt, and I lost the only love I'll ever know forever. But in my more lucid, clear moments, I know that there was no way we could have continued the way we were going. I was too hyper and too forceful in my views, but I still hold pretty much all of them, just on a more mellow scale now, and I'm proud of them. I'm proud of my ideals and feelings and intellect, and any man who can't appreciate them is a man I guess I don't need in my life, no matter how much my heart aches for the sweet little moments we had in between the fighting and frustration.

You can't sell out who you are for love. Any love that required you to do so isn't really love. You were right not to let him treat you the way he did, not to waste time with someone who drew such a hard line about kids when you wanted the exact opposite. You should be proud of yourself. We all make mistakes and errors in judgment, every single last one of us. Part of Godliness is forgiveness. If this guy can't forgive you for what I don't even really see as mistakes, just being human, then he was never really yours.

I know it feels like there's no way you'll never be able to love anyone else again. But if you keep your heart and mind really open, and take pride in the person you have become and are becoming, then i promise you one day you'll be sweetly surprised.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 03:16 AM   #14
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Re: I don't want to go on...

Please, please listen to Hiya...you are now starting to sound just like your ex, and I am very concerned that he seems to have succeeded in brainwashing you into thinking exactly what he wants you to think, that everything would be perfect between you if you hadn't dated the other guy. But honestly, that's complete and utter nonsense. Your ex is deeply disturbed, controlling, and emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive toward you...he's convinced you that his warped, deluded, and screwed up way of thinking is actually reality when it couldn't be further from the truth. You HAVE to let go, you HAVE to stop calling him, and you HAVE to accept that you did your best and stop obsessing over this mistake if you ever want to be happy. Your ex wanted to leave you long before you dated the other guy--did you forget that he tried to dump you for going to your ex's father's funeral, because you dated an older man before him and he told you he and his family were too shamed by this for you to stay together, and he also dumped you after invading your privacy and reading your journals because he didn't approve of choice you'd made in the past? He's really screwed up and deluded, and you would never be happy or content with him, no matter how much he tries to brainwash you into thinking everything would be perfect if only you hadn't made such a horrible, unforgivable mistake of trying to move on with the other guy. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't know how to be any clearer than this: you HAVE got to stop thinking in the way he's brainwashed you to think and start facing reality. If you don't, you will always believe his deluded nonsense that he was a great guy, a great boyfriend, that he made you happy, and that everything would be wonderful if you were still together. If anything, he's more screwed up and deranged in his head now than ever before, and your life would be a living hell if you were still subject to his constant mental torture and abuse. I am not exaggerating; you need to let go of him once and for all, or you will be just as deluded and miserable as he is. I would hate to see this one relationship ruin the rest of your life and leave you miserable and desperately hoping against hope to get back an abusive jerk who has brainwashed you and moved on without you.

I am pasting a post I wrote on one of your past threads in the hopes that it helps you see just how warped he's made your view of this whole situation...he's nothing but bad news for you, and he will cause you nothing but pain and misery as long as you allow him to overshadow and influence your life. This guy would never make you content or feel good about yourself--he's really screwed up, toxic, and poisonous for you, and you really need to accept this reality and shake off the delusions he's unfortunately succeeded in brainwashing you into believing. Please, please stop believing his warped lies and abusive manipulations before he succeeds in making the rest of your life miserable because you erroneously think you'd be happier with him than without him...ok, here is my post from before:


Hi Cinting,
Hiya's advice is absolutely right-on...she is extremely wise and unfortunately has learned the lessons she shared with you through painful life experience. Please, please believe what she is saying and take her advice--she knows what she is talking about and wants to save you from learning what she is telling you the hard way. Your BF has already taken a terrible toll on your self-esteem, and your friends here are very frightened to see what will happen to you if you stay with him and allow him to continue wearing you down the way he has been for so long. Please think about how he has brainwashed you into believing that everything you've struggled through with him is entirely your fault and that you must take all the blame for your past problems.

I vaguely remembered some of your past posts about him breaking up with you because you went to your ex's father's funeral, so I read your old threads and was quite alarmed to see the extent to which he has succeeded in manipulating you and wearing you down into seeing things his way. It's very sad to see how much he has managed to erode your self-esteem and convince you that you will never love anyone else nor find anyone who will want you or treat you better than he does. I can't urge you strongly enough to reread your old posts and try to think about what you've said as objectively as possible...what advice would you give me if I was going through the same things? What would you advise your sister to do if she was the one dating your ex?

You say there is a good chance that he has changed, but honey, he is doing the same thing he's always done: manipulating you into believing that all his problems and the problems in the relationship are your fault. But that's so untrue!! He is the one who is responsible for the issues you've had--he clearly is struggling with serious insecurities and a need to control everything and everyone around him. He keeps mentally abusing you, trying to make you feel terrible and worthless and guilty and not worthy of his love because of things you've done in the past which have absolutely nothing to do with him. Men like this, who only feel happy when they are making their girlfriends feel horrible and ripping their self-esteem to shreds, never change and never stop mistreating the women they claim to love. He is am extremely controlling, manipulative man who has subjected you to continuous emotional/psychological/mental abuse, which has destroyed your self-worth and ability to see your relationship clearly. He's managed to convince you that EVERYTHING is entirely your fault, when in reality they have almost entirely stemmed from his irrational insecurity and jealousy, which has manifested itself in his need to hold your past against you and make you feel guilty about it whenever possible.

Please think about everything he's put you through and realize that he is a toxic influence on your life. You really need to use what is left of your self-esteem and escape his grasp once and for all if you are to feel good about yourself ever again, because he wants you to be as miserable and submissive as possible. He's constantly criticizing you and your past, which you have no power to change, and seizing on the silliest, most trivial excuses to leave you and force you to beg him to come back. Please, please reconsider whether this is a healthy relationship considering everything he's done--he read your journals and dumped you, he's tried to make you feel guilty and ashamed over and over for dating an older man before you knew him, told you to leave him because he won't even consider your desire to have a baby, dumped you for going to your ex's dad's funeral, refused to consider reconciling with you UNTIL you started dating another man who (unlike him) treated you with dignity and respect, insists you are horrible for dating someone during a breakup when in reality, and he's lied to you repeatedly about dating another woman during a breakup. He did the EXACT same thing he is now insisting is completely unforgivable for you to have done--that's cruel, manipulative, and extremely hypocritical. Please think back to all the sadness and frustration he's caused you...this man has had a very negative impact on your life and your self-image, and even though I realize it will be extremely difficult, leaving him once and for all will be the best possible move you can make. The longer you allow him to manipulate your thinking, the less self-esteem and strength you will have to put your life back together when he eventually tires of toying with you and vanishes. I would hate to see that happen to such a smart, sweet woman as yourself...please leave him now and never look back!

 
Old 09-17-2005, 12:41 PM   #15
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,566
Hiya HB User
Re: I don't want to go on...

Hey cinting - eaglesgirl makes sense, too. In fact, she sort of reminds me a little of myself when I was her age! Only I think she's a lot tougher.

I just want to check in to see how you're feeling today, and to let you know I'm here for you. I have no intention of quiting on you, because I think you're really fighting for your life in a sense right now. We all deal with relationships in a different way. Some people kind of have an "easy come, easy go" attitude and can move on and their lives are pretty much unaffected. Some of us, though, seem to just experience love in a very sentimental, romantic, quixotic way, and only know how to love with all our hearts and souls, and when the one we give that love to decides to go, it's like they're taking our whole life with them. Which they are, if we make them our life. That's the mistake I made. Like I've said, my ex I think was much like yours. Being with him meant giving up my music, my beliefs, and lots of other things. I chose him over me, and when he left, well, that left me quite buggared. Especially when he up and shacked up with a woman who was the opposite of everything he said he was leaving me to find.

But it doesn't have to be that way for you. Have you made out the two lists I talked about yet? It's time to pull yourself out of the emotional and look at the situation a little more objectively, and think those lists will help you do that. Now's the time to get back on track and get back to taking pride in yourself no matter who does or doesn't want to be with you. It's hard, I know, but now's the time to give it your very best shot, and to fight for it.

Hang in there with me, cinting. I do know what you're going through and I'll do my best to hang in there with you until you can put this relationship in perspective and feel confident in moving on with your life.

Last edited by Hiya; 09-19-2005 at 01:30 PM.

 
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