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Old 09-14-2005, 02:09 PM   #1
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bubblegum76 HB User
Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

Hi, this is the first time I post in a forum so please excuse any mistakes.
I am feeling very confused and my mind is this guy all the time when I am alone. The situation is a bit complicated and I am not sure what I want but I would be very happy to know if my colleague actually fancies me or is just being nice, or just likes my company as a friend. I think this is the only pleasure and ego boost I can get in my situation and you'll see why if you read on.

I am happily married and I love my husband. We have a healthy relationship and the sex is great. cannot complain about anything really. There is one small thing that is causing a problem and I guess everything starts from there. My husband is away a lot during the week due to work and I don't mind but I have learnt to live on my own when I am left alone. I have never cheated and I am not planning to and I know that he wouldn't because he is 100% with me. I know he loves me and he would rather spend his time with me rather than his friends, he is always interested in my and what I wear, he is always up for sex and he in general he is excellent. We have our ups and downs and we argue but we always make up after. He is not very romantic and I have to admit I really miss the feeling you have when you are single and you first meet someone and start flirting anf falling in love (well who doesn't?). We have discussed this before and because of the fact that he likes men looking at me and chatting me up (because it makes him feel good that his wife is popular with men) he doesn't mind me flirting them back a bit.
I wouldn't end my marriage for a fling beccause I really love my husband.
Anyway all the above is not very relevant but it might help.
To sum up I am happy but I spend a lot of time on my own and this makes me feel lonely sometimes so I like the attention I get from other men.

To the point...

I have been in my new job for 3 months and I really like it. I can see myself staying there for a long time. I am popular with my male colleagues and I like the attention. My husband knows and he likes it as well. He is always asking for details when I come back from work and this has proved very good for our sex life.

The problem is that there is a guy at work that I believe he has been more flirty than others and to be honest this situation is very flattering and I have started fancying him. I wish I never did because it is driving me mad! I can't stop thinking about him and that's fine if he keeps on flirting but I am not sure if I am imagining it or he fancies me. I might be making the whole situation up.
It started when we met through a project meeting, just the two of us. He is chattier than he is to other people and he is always alert and tries to talk to me when I am around. He winks at me occasionally and he would call me if I am near his office to chat, he asks me about my personal life and if we meet in the kitchen he would stay and talk to me for ages although he is very very busy. We have been out for lunch a few times but always with other people and he is joking with me in front of the all the time. I can feel an energy between us but I don't know what exactly it is. Recently he has started coming closer to me and touching me. He once came to talk to me from behind and he touched my waist and a few times talk to me and put his palm on my shoulder.
He has emailed me and verbally given good comments about me and my work and in general I try and do similar gestures to all the above (although I am very shy having forgotten the art of flirting after many years in a loong relationship and marriage).
I do fancy him and I know that I won't do anything extreme but I WANT him to fancy me back and I want all this flirting to be real and not in my imagination. It is an ego boost and it makes me want to go to work.
He knows I am married and I don't know but he might have a girlfriend (he is not married). There hasn't been a day where he ignored me until today. I felt a bit strange around him today. He was very stressed out about work, I know that for sure, but although in the morning he was very sweet, in the afternoon he was a bit cold. I might be imagining because I am a daydreamer and I do analyse everything but I feel really low now. I am scared he might have realised that I fancy him and has backed off because he lead me on by mistake. I don't know.
Now you might think I am a b i t c h for flirting when I am happily married but he knows I am married and I know I wouldn't do anything extreme. And I don't really get drunk or go out without my husband. We live in different towns, quite far from each other and anything that could happen would be in the office so it is very limited (maybe a touch or a look or an intimate chat. That's about it and I know that my husband DOES not mind that as long as I come back home and I am 100% with him).
I cannot show him that I like him too much because I don't want to take this any further but I want us to keep on flirting and I would love to know that he fancies me. Just to make me feel good. It's all psychological.

I would really apreciate your advice, your thoughts on the whole situation and on wether he fancies me or not.
Please, please let me know what you think.

 
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Old 09-14-2005, 02:25 PM   #2
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

What would you do if you found out he fancies you? I'm sure he does.

You have a good marriage; I just don't understand why you would want to build on this office flirtation. It's dangerous! A little innocent flirting can turn into a little innocent drink after work and so on and so on...and then before you know it, you are having an affair.

If I were you, I would keep your relationship with this man strictly professional.

Your husband loves you, so why do you need confirmation from another man?

 
Old 09-14-2005, 02:34 PM   #3
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bubblegum76 HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

Thanks for your reply. I don't know to be honest. It just feels so good. As I mentioned in my message I feel lonely very often and I guess it just happened. I cannot help it. I wasn't looking for someone but when I met this colleague and I thought that he is flirting me I started having feelings for him.
I am not sure if he does like me because he is hot and cold sometimes. Most of the times he is really nice but there have been times where he has been ignoring me.
I don't know. Why would he be like that?

 
Old 09-14-2005, 02:55 PM   #4
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by bubblegum76
Thanks for your reply. I don't know to be honest. It just feels so good. As I mentioned in my message I feel lonely very often and I guess it just happened. I cannot help it. I wasn't looking for someone but when I met this colleague and I thought that he is flirting me I started having feelings for him.
I am not sure if he does like me because he is hot and cold sometimes. Most of the times he is really nice but there have been times where he has been ignoring me.
I don't know. Why would he be like that?
He's doing that to get a rise out of you, so don't let him. Sounds like a game player to me.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 03:00 PM   #5
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

I don't think it should matter to you why he does what he does, what he thinks, if he likes you, etc...

If you are so happily married as you claim, why do you need an ego boost from someone else? Sad, unhappy people need ego boosts. If your husband is so wonderful, certainly you can talk to him and let him know you are in need of a little more attention. If he loves you, he'd be delighted to give it.

Appreciate what you have. Do you know how many people out there would kill for a great husband that they love, who loves them back, would never cheat, and pleases them in the love department?
So he's away during the week. You could be dealing with a lot worse than a husband who's out working all week.
Yet you need more?
Imagine yourself being one of the ones who have nothing. Maybe then you can appreciate what you have enough to not still need something more.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 03:10 PM   #6
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bubblegum76 HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by AMBRWAVES
He could be ignoring you cause he knows your married and doesn't want things to move further - OR - he could be ignoring you cause he's playing hard to get and knows it's bugging you.
I've been there and it is fun, but Greeneyes is right, it can lead to something dangerous...and it sounds like your starting to develop a little more than friendship feelings for this guy.
If I were you I would back up, and just ignore him a little bit at a time, you don't have to cut all ties off with him, just mention your husband and how great he is a lot more around him and maybe he'll take the hint and back off.

If that's what you want...
So you recon he likes me. First things first, I can't understand him.
If he does, I don't think he would want to go any further becasuse he knows I am married and he might have a girldfriend. I seriously don't think he would make a move.
I definitely have feelings for him but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't even know him that well.
I don't want him to back off! That's the thing. I am sure that we will get back to normal at some point but I do like the attention. He is very professional and I really really don't think he would do anything. If he fancies me he might be feeling the same inside but that's about it. It would be nice to know that he feels something about me and he is not just playing with me...

 
Old 09-14-2005, 11:28 PM   #7
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

I think the other respondants are being a bit harsh...but then I take a less traditional and restrictive view toward things like that than many other people do. In my view, there's definitely such a thing as a harmless flirtation, and I don't believe smart and mature adults who keep their eyes open and their wits about them will just accidentally take such a flirtation too far, at least not in most cases. It's definitely not just sad and insecure people who like the ego boost that comes with feeling attractive and desired...I think it's unnatural and unhealthy not to have any longing whatsoever for attention outside marriage. That kind of ultra-traditional thinking is what makes marriage sound like a miserable, oppressive institution to me (and what makes America such a hypocritical and repressed country for all but the least conservative members of society). The idea of getting married and then being stuck with only one man for the rest of my life is unappealing and boring enough, but when I think about not being able to even flirt with another guy or enjoy him finding me attractive, it's almost as bad as a death sentence. Who gets married and loses ALL interest in any member of the opposite sex outside their spouse--certainly not anyone with a red hot, healthy, and imaginative sex drive, i.e. no one I'd want to waste any time with!! I really don't understand the cult of marriage that is so prominent in American society today--to me there's very, very little that's appealing about it, though I guess my view might be different if I was a lot older, unattractive, or in a big rush to start popping out babies. Anyway, as long as you and your husband are both honest and upfront with each other, I don't see anything wrong with you enjoying the attention from a harmless flirtation, so please don't let people with restrictive, narrow views (that exonerate lifelong monogamy as a natural, enjoyable way of life, which they are definitely NOT for most people, not to mention making marriage seem like a guarantee of constant, perpetual bliss!) make you feel guilty for desiring something that's completely normal, understandable, and which even seems to be beneficial for your sex life with your husband. Other people may be jealous or not understand, but the only people whose opinions matter in the slightest are you and your husband--as long as you are both happy and honest about this stuff, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just make sure to keep communicating and be sure you keep tabs on how he really feels about any flirting you do--but otherwise, why not enjoy some harmless little fun that turns you both on??

Last edited by eaglesgirl37; 09-14-2005 at 11:33 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 09:27 AM   #8
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Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

OMG, This situation is SOOOOOO similar to mine, I cannot believe it.

I am happily married to my husband for 16 years and we have been together for 19 years. We love each other very much and are 100% committed to each other. We trust each other very much - I know he would never cheat on me and I would never dream of cheating on him. We have a wonderful sex life, and though he is not very romantic, he pleases me in the bedroom and I know I please him. I would never want to hurt him or destroy the wonderful life we have together.

Like bubblegum, I enjoy attention from other men. In fact, most of my friends are men - I just like the company of men better than women. I would even go as far to say that my husband has turned me into a guy's girl - I am into cars, racing, building things, playing cards, and all sorts of "guy stuff" so I simply have more interesting conversations with men.

I have been at my job for about 1 year. There is a man that works on the same floor as me that I am extremely attracted to. We do not work directly together but we see each other all the time, walk by each other, meet up in the break kitchen, ride the elevator together, etc. Over the past 6 months I have noticed him noticing me, and that made me notice him even more. Certain eye contact, smiles, body language. In the past month we have started having actual conversations - he will stop and talk with me for 15-20 minutes at a time. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he is interested in me. We actually get along very well and I enjoy talking with him, but I sense that he is nervous about his feelings for me. I look forward to seeing him every day and anticipate future conversations with him. I think about this man all the time, I am so infatuated with him. I really don't know him very well at all, but there is this strong, undenyable attraction that is becoming overwhelming.

In our conversations he has learned that I am married. I also know (not from our conversations, but from other info) that he is not the type of man that would ever want to be involved with a married woman or that would want to break up a marriage. Again, like bubblegum, I have no intention of cheating on my husband, but I cannot imagine NOT exploring a deeper friendship with this man. I do think I have the ability to draw the line and not let things progress into something more. I am not the type of person that would have an affair "accidentally" and I don't think this man would ever allow it to happen either. But I LOVE the all the feelings that are associated with this attraction. I look forward to work every day, anticpate seeing and speaking with him, and strange as it may seem, my relationship with my husband seems to be getting more romantic and passionate.

Here is the thing... I can't explain it, but it is important to me that this man returns my feelings. I WANT him to like me, be infatuated with me, and desire me, the same way I feel about him. I am 95% sure that he does, but I know that he is holding back because he knows I am married. I have NOT conveyed my feelings to him, and in our conversations I try to remain friendly and mildly flirty. Our conversations have progressed to a more personal level and we share many common interests. I think I would be satisfied developing a genuine friendship with him. But part of me inside wants to know that he wishes it could be more.

I am so confused because I realize that it is actually not fair to this man to want him to want me in a way that he could never have me. But I already feel that way about him.

I know there are many people here who will jump all over this post and say that I must be dissatisfied with my marriage and tell me that I need to consider leaving my husband before I can explore a friendship with this man. I am not sure that I am even looking for advice because I don't intend to not explore this friendship. Part of me hopes that once the friendship progresses, the infatuation will die down and we will truly become great friends. Another part of me hopes that we will become great friends that always will have a secret and unattainable passion for each other (because it feels so wonderful).

I really just need to communicate with anyone else that can understand what this feels like. I don't believe that what I am feeling is all that uncommon and I would really like to hear from anyone else that can relate to this situation.

IN SUMMARY
  • I LOVE my husband with all my heart and soul - we share a deep and spiritual bond and are both 100% committed to our marriage.
  • I am attracted to a man at work and I WANT him to be attracted to me (and I am 95% sure that he is).
  • I enjoy all the feelings associated with this attraction and don't want these feelings to go away
  • I want to explore a "morally acceptable" relationship with this man because I can't imagine not exploring it.
  • I feel guilty for wanting this man to want me in a way he can never have me.
  • I don't understand how I can feel so drawn to this man and still be totally in love with and committed to my husband.

Last edited by jimmysgoodgirl; 09-18-2005 at 11:25 AM.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 10:06 AM   #9
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Re: Do you think he fancies me? I don't know what to do

BTW, Thank you Eaglesgirl for your comments. I do think these situations are more common than many realize. I also believe that many people have the ability to resist temptation, prioroizing their moral values and their loved ones.

I wish there were more people here who could share their similar experiences.

 
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