It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-14-2005, 04:09 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Please Help Me ASAP!!

Okay, guys, I need some serious advice on how to handle my insane former friend. I posted a couple months ago about my good friend who had become incredibly clingy and obnoxious and overbearing... calling me 6 times a day, trying to make plans with me and my boyfriend for every night of the week, just constantly intruding. She and I had been friends for many years and had gotten very close, until I met my boyfriend and I'm sure she became very jealous.
We had a falling out in late July and hadn't talked at all for a few weeks. I wanted nothing to do with her or the friendship, as I began to see her true colors and ways. I thought I was through with her until she came into my place of work demanding to speak with me. She caused a HUGE scene at my job in front of everyone, refusing to leave because I was "being immature" about the situation. Finally I agreed to speak with her, reluctantly, and she went on and on about how our argument wasn't her fault. I clearly told her I was not interested in fixing our friendship and I wanted nothing to do with her. To her face, I said this. And she would not back down. Finally I had to be somewhat nice and she left with the understanding that it was up to ME to make the decision of whether or not we'd continue our friendship. I obviously chose not to, and had been done with her once again. So I thought. She borderlines "stalker", and I have thought long and hard about getting a restraining order but wanted to see if she'd leave me alone first.
She has tried to contact me today. I cannot get this human being away from me. I don't know what to do and have exhausted all options other than taking police action. I feel like she's a threat to me in some way, only because she's connected to almost everyone I know including my family. And she has my boyfriend's cell number from when he made the fatal mistake of calling her cell looking for me one day. I thought of changing our phone numbers but she'd find some other way. I can't have her risking my job again and invading my life any longer.
I have to decide whether or not to return her phone call... and if I do, what to say to communicate the blatantly obvious message that I want her to NOT EXIST! I am stressing and almost crying with the nerves in my stomach, and I can't really work for fear of her coming in here again. I'm so scared of her upsetting my relationship or my new promotion, or something else. For some reason I feel she has this power, although my boyfriend and family are well aware that she's an awful creature.
How do I get through to this person without legal action? Should I be kind to her and hope she just goes away after awhile? Because being brutal didn't work last time. She simply will not leave me alone. I despise the thought of her ever coming near me.
Sorry this is such an odd post, but I thought I'd consult my online friends and see what they had to say!!!
Any advice guys??

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-14-2005, 06:38 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 328
eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Oh no Rose, I am so sorry to hear this! You shouldn't have to deal with such a stressful, toxic situation--you are absolutely right to cut her off completely, and I hope you don't feel regretful or guilty about that decision. Can I ask why are you opposed to taking legal action? It sounds like that might be the only, and best, choice left to you at this point. If nothing else is getting through to her, a temporary restraining order just might be your last option...I'd hate for her to continue to plague you and potentially jeopardize your work and personal relationships. My advice would be to talk to her one more time, spell it out very clearly that you wish to have absolutely no further contact with her, and tell her that as much as you don't want to take this route, if she fails to respect your wishes, you will be forced to seek legal recourse to prevent her from further disrupting your life. I hope that helps a bit...sounds like you need to get tough, as hard as I'm sure that is for a sweetheart like you. Hang tough ok and let us know how things go...good luck!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:49 PM   #3
Inactive
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,240
Soulcatcher HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

I would walk into your police station and just ask one of the deputy's to please call her and explain that you no longer want contact with her. IF she doesn't believe this then yes I would file a restraining order. I think she will get the point. Or...have your boss call her and say "so-so can not have phone calls here and has made it a point that she does not want to speak with you". That depends on how close you are with you boss.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:54 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Oh wow, Rose, she does sound completely insane I think Stacy's advice is very good. It's so bizarre she started behaving this way shortly after you became involved in a relationship. It looks like she's an extremely possessive person and does not want to "share" you with anyone else, including your own bf! I'm sure you've already tried to talk to her rationally numerous times and it seems like nothing has worked so far...I think I would try telling her firmly again that things have changed and you are NOT interested in continuing the friendship, and to please respect your wishes and not contact you anymore, or you'd be forced to take legal action. Hopefully this will get the message across. Either that or maybe find her a boyfriend so she has someone else to obsess about!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:54 PM   #5
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 102
knotme HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

got2 do it, cut off all ties with her. Call security, change your phone#, restraints, etc; whatever it takes. For borderline people, only an act of "betrayal" will stop them. It sounds bad, but you have to make her feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed in order for her to stop.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:56 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Thanks guys! I think I just really freaked out when I received her text message asking me to please call her when I get a chance. I'm a little more calm now, but I sent out an e-mail to the employees who answer our phones reminding them not to give out personal info on employees and stressing that for the next couple weeks or so I'd also like them to keep my schedule private information as well.
Soulcatcher, I like the idea of having the deputy contact her. They will really do that?
Stacy, I'm just so scared of speaking to her for some reason. My heart starts racing and I get anxiety and shortness of breath just thinking about when she came in here demanding to see me. I think I'm mostly afraid of her coming up with some kind of "plot" to ruin my life. I know I'm really exaggerating that, but those are the things that go through my head! I'm also afraid of her contacting Nick, since she does have his cell number. I don't want to impose any drama on his life, so I'd rather not bring him into this at all, but I feel as though I just might have to!
Can you get a temporary restraining order on someone even if they don't impose a physical threat to you? I could very easily call her little display at my work "harassment" and I have many witnesses to it as well! Anyone know the legal system well?
Thanks for your help, guys. It feels good to hear from you and know you're always there for me!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 06:58 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by knotme
got2 do it, cut off all ties with her. Call security, change your phone#, restraints, etc; whatever it takes. For borderline people, only an act of "betrayal" will stop them. It sounds bad, but you have to make her feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed in order for her to stop.

Is ignoring her enough of a betrayal do you think? Or a phone call from a police officer?
I can't believe she didn't feel hurt and abandoned when I looked her in the eye and said "Stay away from me, my family, and my friends. I want nothing to do with you or your life whatsoever".
How does that not get through to someone??!

 
Old 09-14-2005, 07:05 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

I just checked into a restraining order. Apparently it wouldn't be granted in this situation. For one thing, a friend is not one of the types of people you can get a restraining order from. It has to be family, ex-spouse, someone you recently dated, or someone you lived with. AND you have to go in front of a judge with the application with the other person present and give your case. A judge would never give me a restraining order in this case! Plus, it also can only be issued if there's a threat of physical harm.

 
Old 09-14-2005, 07:12 PM   #9
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 328
eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Maybe you could send an email saying you no longer wish to have contact with her, and if she has any regard for what you shared as friends, that she'll respect your feelings and move on without you in her life? Even though you may not be able to take legal action, the threat might still be enough to dissuade her from harassing you further, particularly if you mention that you are prepared to file a report based on her behavior at your office. This girl really seems to have gone off the deep end, so I'd send her one last message in which you make it clear that from now on, you'll refuse to take her calls or see her again. Then make sure you stick to your pledge and follow through...man, what a tough situation. I've had jealous friends try to sabotage me in the past, but nothing this extreme--poor Rose! Hang in there sweetie and hopefully this will all blow over soon; in the meantime please try not to let her get to you and stress you out. She obviously wants to have an impact on your life and the only way to not let her win is to refuse to let her get to you. Good luck, and thanks a bunch for the great advice on the other thread as well!!

 
Old 09-15-2005, 12:40 AM   #10
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 493
glamourgal HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Yikes ! This girl has turned obsessed with you LittleRose! The only thing I can think of that might work is to hopefully scare her into leaving you alone. Give her an ultimatum---she HAS to leave you alone......no more phone calls, visiting your home/workplace, NO contact whatsoever or you will take her to court for harrassment charges. Even if you are not legally able to do this, if you act like you can, she might believe you and leave you alone once and for all. It sounds like she is VERY jealous and the more you pull away/cut her out, the more she is going to try to sabotage your life. So, hopefully she will at least be afraid of being taken to court. Do you know of anyone who can "pretend" to be a cop and call her--or do you have any attorney friends or family members who might be willing to contact her for you?? Let us know how it goes and good luck!!

 
Old 09-15-2005, 03:34 AM   #11
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 102
knotme HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

hey rose,
I know this is going to be hard but you have to cut off all ties with her. No emails, no phone calls, no contacts. She's trying to provoke you into getting a reaction-which is what she really wants, irregardless of outcome. She did feel hurt when you confronted her. She got to play the victim, which is what she feels all along. I wouldn't be suprised if she starts threatening suicide or self harm in order to get your attention. She'll prob stalk you for a few weeks, then hopefully she'll find a substitute and leave you alone.
I know this sounds terrible, to treat another person like this, but it's the disease you are fighting. We should empathize with people suffering from BPD(most likely she was molested or had a traumatic event as a child) but they are just too much to handle
Good luck, hope it doens't escalate into anything destructive, for you or for her

 
Old 09-15-2005, 05:37 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 725
LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Please Help Me ASAP!!

Thanks again everyone!
I haven't responded to her at all yet. I had a strange problem with my car last night, as if someone put something underneath it and that "something" was scraping the road as I was driving. Whatever it was finally seemed to fall off and then everything was fine, but of course I'm concerned it could have been her who did that to my car. There are no parts loose and it's a fairly new car in good condition, so it had to be a foreign object.
This is so unfair. I can't count how many years I spent helping friends out and being happy for them in their successes while I, myself, was lonely and unhappy. I still always managed to be encouraging and celebrate their happiness. Then to be targeted like this...
She did have something very traumatic happen to her recently and I'm 100% sure it is the cause for her irrational behavior. She was engaged and had been with the guy for 4 years. They lived together for almost those entire 4 years, had their own condo. The wedding was about a month away (and I was in the wedding), and everything was all planned when he all of a sudden couldn't be sure he wanted to marry her. His uncertainty led him to cheat with a MUCH younger girl, and he left my friend for this young girl. She was devastated beyond belief, and I was always there for her. Even as she was in the process of moving out of the condo (and back in with parents- "ouch" again!), and she decided to completely trash the condo on him. Dumped garbage everywhere, had her brothers punch holes in the walls, etc... I'm guessing her insanity began with things like that. She lost all control at that point and it's been downhill ever since.
And while I have no problem being a support for her (I was pretty much on call 24 hours a day for a LONG time), my problem begins when she starts trying to sabatoge other peoples' situations to make herself feel better. It was there that I drew the line and decided I can't have her in my life anymore. She refused to accept that. And here we are today.

Knotme... I think your idea to ignore her completely is the one I'm most leaning towards right now. But I like glamourgal's idea of scaring her with an authority figure as well. What do you think about that?
I'm just so afraid that this situation is so fragile and ONE WRONG MOVE will set her off completely! One decision will worsen things, and one will make things better. I don't know which is which.

( removed )

Last edited by moderator2; 09-15-2005 at 01:08 PM. Reason: please do not ask members to violate the posting rules

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:12 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!