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Old 09-15-2005, 06:44 AM   #1
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armadillo pie HB User
Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years. He lived in my place. Hedid not pay rent ( I own the place) and I put him on my health benefits, so he has full medical for free. He is a psychologist and works independently. We split the utilities and food until this last year when I told him I wanted him to pay for them all since he is not paying rent or helping with the maintance of this place. He was very reluctant about it and expresssed his angry.

He was the most charming man I met. I feel madly for him . But as time went on he would get very angry and verbally abrasive with me and often blamed me for being "unsconcious" and not working on my stuff in therapy or a 12 step program ( I have no addictions). I found myself becoming withdrawned emotionally and sexually and depressed and kept my life small . But he would turn daily, being sweet and loving and kind and then raged filled or blaming and shaming. He would always turn it around and said I was blaming and shaming.

Several months ago he got angry at me, told me I was using him to pay the bills and that he did not have money. Then all of sudden he announced a week later that he was going to Paris to met a friend and then back east to visit relatives for a month. I told him he had move to out- that this was the last straw. He called me selfish because I was not happy for him that he could visit this friend. So just before he left he rented a tiny room in a house. He was suppose to get everything out of here before his trip and did not.
So now he is gone on his trip for two weeks so far. I have not heard a thing and everything he owns is here. He left is as though he was coming home. I am changing the locks tomorrow and will call his cell and let him know, so when he gets back he does not go balistic.
But I am having such a hard time. I can not stop thinking about him. I am so sad and depressed. I am not eating well and I am in this haze. My self-esteem is gone and I feel like I will always be alone. One more thing while he is gone I took the liberty to read some of his journal writing. It seems that every woman he has been in relationship has ended badly and he blames each woman and hold lot of anger with them. He even wrote that he meets princesses and turns them into witches. He also has gone from one woman to another almost immediately ( 7 women total) and usually moves in with them. I have the number of one of his ex's and am thinking of calling her? Not sure if I should- I guess for some kind of acknowledgment that it is not me only.

 
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Old 09-15-2005, 07:58 AM   #2
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evy38 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

This guy has some serious issues, but you know that. He also sounds like a user, but I think you know that as well. I think you suffer from the affliction of being to "nice" to your man. It would take me a book to explain what I mean by that, fortunately for both of us, that book has already been written. It's called. "Why men love Bitc#es". It should really free your mind and help you boost your confidence again. Another book called, "He's just not that into you" will really help you to understand his behavior, why he does it and help you avoid such trouble in the future. I urge you to buy them both.
Stop listening to his psycobabble. He uses it, and his knowledge of techinque, as a weapon which nulifies any truth or value it may have had. to begin with.

Last edited by evy38; 09-15-2005 at 08:03 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 08:24 AM   #3
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Gundam HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

You call him charming ?! ... a guy who's not willing to pay for rent, nor maintenance of the place that he lives @ for free, too cheap to pay for food for his "live-together" GF verbally abusive, & gets angry easily ...

He's not good enough for you, & beleive me ... everybody go through the same thing when they encounter a breakup. Just like me, I used to spend everyday with my GF for 15 months, intimately. Then suddenly she felt different about me & decided to move on, & I had to cancel our trip to LA & Mexico, which I paid 100% (the trip supposed to start on Sept.22; & we broke up 3 weeks ago) ...

I have gone through really tough times too, & still am going through it. Having to face the breakup while cancelling our trip. Emotionally, financially, mentally, I have lost big time. My mind was a complete mess ... BUT I just beleieve that better things will come. You should just take things easy. You already see that he's not good for you, & things don't sound like that he's been treating you good either. Your eyes could see it, now you just have to believe it.

Good luck.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 09:57 AM   #4
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

What a jerk! That's all there is to it. You're selfish because you're not happy for him that he gets to go to Paris to visit his friend? The man has lived rent free for 7 years and thinks you're using him for his money?

7 years of this kind of BS may take a little while to undo, but I'd say you've already taken the first step to feeling better about yourself by changing the locks. I would try to cut off all contact with him (he *will* try to make you feel like this is all your fault) and start to build up the relationships you have with friends, workers and family so that you have areas of your life that you feel good about. Trying a new hobby like art, community service, or exercise can really help build up the self-esteem. Small things you can accomplish, you know? I left my ex after over a year of being told I was selfish, him blowing up at me, him being questionably faithful, etc. I was so scared there was something wrong with me, that this was the kind of relationship I was destined to be in. A few months later that couldn't have been more wrong. Life is *so* much better now.

About contacting the ex-gf. I don't know if that'll help you or not. I was going to say go ahead because I'd be very willing to talk to any new girlfriend of my ex if she approached me. But, if they are still friends, I'd completely avoid that. If you must, try to be prepared that she may not tell you what you want to here, but she may be wrong. I think our reactions here say it's not just you. I think his journal tells you it's not just you. You may want to check out some books on emotional and verbal abuse--they'll tell you it's not just you.

 
Old 09-15-2005, 10:29 AM   #5
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

Well this guy sounds like he has some serious prpblems. He sounds like a complete free loader. I would ask him to give you a full analysis of himself and his angry useing ways tell him to take that to a 12 step program. He is taking advantage of your niceness.

Changing the locks is a great idea I would pack all his stuff up an perhaps move it to his room if at all possible or just put it all aside till he gets back. Dont let this man manipulate you any longer.

As far as calling his ex girlfriend well I have to say I would do it as it may shed some light on things. Although you know what type of person he is it may help to talk to someone who has been with this man and perhaps was just as taken advantage of. If I was the ex in this situation I would talk to you.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 06:50 AM   #6
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armadillo pie HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

Thank you for your support. I feel I need a lot of it now.

I changed the locks yesterday and also started going through rooms collecting his things and putting them in boxes. Changing the locks really gave me a sense of power and boundries. I am nervous of how he is going to react when he gets back. But my plan is to call him and let him know in advance and tell him he will have to set up a time at my convenience to get his things. I also am going to try to have someone with me because frankly I do not know if he will do anything and I am scared of him.

As for reading his journals. He goes over and over how he does not want to be with me. How I am unconscious and in my stuff a lot and that I am at fault for his angry and depression. He had written a list of all the people he is angry with and the last 6 women were on it. He has lived with each one. So he has not contact with any ex's because my guess is they all want nothing to do with him.

I did call one woman yesterday- she is a local therapist and she was on the list. She was not a girlfriend, but a friend of one his ex's. She spoke with me and told me how smart I was to get him out of my life. That the ex had to get a restraining order on him because he got verbally and physically abusive. Another ex also had a restraining order on him. That is two I know and maybe there is more. She felt he might have multiple personaliities and that he was disgrace to the profession. But he walks the line and is careful professionally not to do anything that could affect his license.

Even though I know all this about him now and it confirms much, it seems my self-esteem is so severely affected. Part of me is walking around like how could this have happened to me? How could I allow this? What was I thinking? Am I so desperate for relationship that I allowed myself to be emotionaly abused? I was blind out of choice. When he was charming and sweet I would forget his other sides. I had emotional amenesia. Now is my wake up call.

Thank you- you are all a great source of great comfort and help. Reading your responses really made me feel connected. So thank you again. Now I have so much recovery to do as I am still at phase one and somewhat lost.

By the way evy38, he has the book Why men love ******* in his library. I'll pull it out and read it. I thought it was about men who pick bad women, but you suggested I read it so it must be different then the title suggests.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 09:02 AM   #7
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

Hey Armadillo! Wow, a guy who had a restraining order issued against him by not one but TWO of his ex-girlfriends?! That's scary, and I'll bet you're happy you changed the locks! There's going to be no reasoning with him, I can tell you that. He has left each of his past relationships with anger, bitterness, and hostility... and it probably only stopped because the girls got the legal system involved! I think you were wise to contact that woman. She gave you some much needed information that will serve to benefit you very much and possibly protect you from harm. At least you know what he's capable of.
Don't blame yourself though. It's so easy to say "Wow I must be really dumb to fall for him!", and we as women say it all the time. The truth is, we often can't see the reality of our situations until we're standing on the outside of them. That's why it feels like a lightbulb goes on when you break up with someone, and all of a sudden you see them for who they are. That's what is happening to you right now, and it happens to everyone. YOu were not stupid or desperate for a relationship or anything even close to that. You were optimistic, open-minded, and willing to offer him a chance! And I'm sure you have many fond, loving memories. Unfortunately he didn't live up to the hopes you had for him, and he took advantage of you. There's no way of knowing when someone is going to take advantage of you, so stop blaming your own judgement.
The good thing is that he's out of your home. Definitely have someone with you when he comes to get his stuff. Preferably an older male (a father, older brother, older male friend... or if necessary a police officer). Cut off contact with him. This is how he ends relationships, and it's his problem. Be glad you're free of him.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 11:51 AM   #8
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greeneyes100 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

I think you should have someone with you when he comes to pick up his stuff. He may get violent and try to hurt you. Good for you for changing the locks!

Whenever your self esteem suffers to the extent yours has, IT'S TIME TO GET OUT AND STAY OUT.

There's another really good book you should read called "Women Who Love Too Much".

You deserve so much more. Continue to take your power back and start getting your self esteem back up where it belongs! I hope you do get some counselling also. You probably could really use it now and it would be very helpful in building your self esteem.

Good luck!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 03:46 PM   #9
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: Reaching Out -How do I beleive in myself?

Armadillo Please make sure you have someone with you this guy sounds like a complete crack pot!! I am so glad you changed your locks.

 
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