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Old 09-15-2005, 09:53 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 17
marty30 HB User
Cool Hanging in there,

Hi,
you may remember me as 6 weeks ago hubby left in the a.m and left a note. well after the devastation, shock, sadness, i have now adjusted to this life. the boys and i are doing just fine actually. we have our after school and evening routines and also do things together over the weekend.
i am in counselling with Hubby, it is going well, but we never ever seem to get together to discuss it. he calls me maybe 5 times a day and we talk a lot, about my day his day, the kids day, all fine but where is it all going? i know he is in pain, real pain now with either an ulcer or IBs. but he never mentions moving back, i am really enjoyiong the new life i have, mainly as it is soo stress free. for sooo many years i was soo stressed and anxiety ridden and downright miserable. i covered it all up well and let it simmer inside. no the boys and i have a wondefful dinner that i cook everynight when my 16 yr old comes home from work(am a proud mom he got a job) we sit for the longest time discussing our day, before he would shovel the food and run as his father is always full of critism and dissappointed remarks. dinner was hell!
we do what we wnat when we want and dont have to justify it, yet he still calls and wants to know what we are all doing.. i dont really mind that as it is his only communication with the boys. has seen the 16 yr old once in 6 weeks, the 14 yr old they go bowling sat mornings,he wants toi see them more but doesnt make it known to them, so they never speak, he tries to go thru me, i say call them, they both have cells..
financially i will be fine, the checks still come in and i am being very reasonable and friendly. but if he is coming back why wait so long?? the longer he is gone the harder it will be to all live together i think, he will be the stranger returning.
what do you all think?? need help and advice please..... :

 
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Old 09-15-2005, 11:43 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 125
Falcon554 HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

I have been seperated from my wife for 4 months now. She had an affair and is going thru a mid life crisis. I moved back into the house for a month but now I live in a tiny apartment. We are getting along really good now. The affair is now done now its time for us to work on us. I can see us living apart for another 6 months. But I have been married for 20 years so the time apart is really good for us.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 03:42 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,069
Hangin in There HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

Oh...I thought you were calling me.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 03:52 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2
macraean HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

God Bless you I hope everything works out okay, especially for your boys.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 03:55 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 328
eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

It sounds to me like you and your sons are a lot happier and more relaxed now that your husband isn't around, so my question is, do you even want him to move back? Do your kids want that? I can certainly understand if all or some of you don't, as it sounds like things are a lot more peaceful and positive in your household now that his critical and disapproving influence has been removed. I don't really know what to say other than it seems like you and your kids might be better off without him moving back in, but I don't know if that's what you want or not. It's definitely worth giving some thought to this and having a discussion with your sons about how they feel about their dad coming back...they are old enough where I'm sure they have opinions and they should have a say in who lives there, especially if their dad was making them unhappy and damaging their self-esteem. I know some people believe that all marriages should be inviolate and kids shouldn't have any say in the family affairs, but I disagree.

My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I couldn't be happier, because they are both great parents but just aren't compatible as partners...I've always had close, wonderful one-on-one relationships with them in which they treat me as an equal when it comes to decision making. Unlike many ignorant anti-divorce people claim, divorce doesn't always adversely affect children emotionally and financially...I was extremely well-loved and always had much more love, attention, and financial advantages than my peers, even in our very affluent community. As I said, I know there are many rigid, ultraconservative "traditionalists" out there who don't believe this is the right way to raise kids, that instead they must be ruled in a dictatorial and authoritarian, not democratic, way, and who think divorce is terrible, harmful, traumatic for the kids and morally wrong in all (or almost all) circumstances, but I think these views are very misguided. The world (and particularly the Puritanical culture that still reigns among many unintelligent and unenlightened Americans) would be so much better off if people would shake off such outdated and repressive views, and I hope the current trend of these backwards, hardcore conservative attitudes prevailing in American society is soon reversed and that all its adherents die off very very soon.

It can't happen soon enough that women and children start to be considered as equally important as men and that they get equal rights within the family and society...for far too long horrible abuse and mistreatment of those with less power in families has been tolerated and even condoned by the patriarchial power structure in far too many countries, and it needs to stop. So I don't agree that it's always the best thing to keep marriages together as so many traditional people who worship marriage at all costs advocate...what is really in the best interests of you and your children here? Would you and the boys be happier, more relaxed and less anxious if your husband did or did not move back into your household? Is he always a negative, critical influence or is this attitude overshadowed by his positive, encouraging comments and behavior? Basically, are you better off and more at peace when he's around or when he's gone? If it's when he's gone, then I think you owe it to yourself and to your children not to allow him to come back, especially since he was the one who chose to run off like a cowardly little child without having the guts to explain his choice to his family's face.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 10:17 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: California
Posts: 498
ibeeshell HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

Marty you sound so happy!!! WHY would you want a man who made you so miserable back? I think Eaglesgirl is, once again, giving good advice. Children shouldn't be brought up with a parent who is so critical. It is so unhealthy.

Have you brought up his critisms of the children in therapy? Might be a good idea to get it out in the open and discuss it before he moves back home. Even start having family sessions, once you two have worked thru your issues a bit more. Let the kids get their issues worked out with the both of you.

Sounds to me like you are making wonderful progress Marty!!! Kudos to you and your boys.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 10:36 PM   #7
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 17
marty30 HB User
Re: Hanging in there,

Thank you for your replies, it certainly makes me think
FALCON554-- may i ask why you think seperation is a good thing for your marriage? that is the one thing that baffles me. we see each other briefly each week(apart from councelling) and he is just chatty and wants to talk about work or the kids, never about the situation. he acts like he is on vacation. he even brought me the brochure from the recent resort he is staying in, i couldnt even look at it. i am sorry but i dont see the point in this. it is soo confusing. i have adapted nicely to the situation now, and it is far easier . i worry about the boys as the 16 yr old has maybe spoken to him for 15 minutes in 6 weeks, he wont answer his cell when his dad calls and ignores him if he stops by, not too much has changed actually as he was like this before i guess. no relationship there. my 13 yr old feels like he HAS to see him, even tho he would rather be with a friend. they dont want to talk about it AT ALL. i think the younger one thinks he lost his mind and will return and the older one has seen so much divorce with his friends he assumes it is over....this will all have a lasting effect on them even if H returns. i feel the transition of him coming back will be very very difficult. but how long can this go on? we have told no one. no family here anyway. it is weird seeing people and never mentioning this. he says its non e of their business. so when asked we all say he is away on business.
as i said it really isnt too diff from when he lived here as he wasnt here. FALCON- maybe you can explain a little how you two are doing better now that you are gone, and also do you think you will go back? also any kids?
thanks again for the advice , it is a confusing time, we too have been married 20 yrs in nov.

 
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