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Old 09-16-2005, 03:07 PM   #1
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Unhappy Do you ever get over your first love?

I mean really.....do you? I meant mine when I was only 12. Of course we didn't instantly fall in love. I would say it took a year or two but we did fall in love and were together until I was 15. It wasn't a good relationship. He didn't really like to spend time with me...only when he had nothing better to do. Everything and everyone came before me. Why I stayed with him that long? Who knows....I was young and didn't know any better. I did break up with him 4-5 times in the 3 years we dated but he broke up with me the last time for reasons that I never really knew. I meant my current fiance and we started dating just 2 months after our break-up. I guess you could say it was a rebound but I did immediately fall in love with him. He made me feel like my ex never did and still does . But here is the thing. Me and my fiance have now been together for 5 years and have a beautiful 14 month old daughter together. My ex lives in the same town and has a g/f he's had for.....well I'd say maybe 3 years. They also have a child a little older than ours. But it's when I see him....why is it my heart still beats really fast and I just have these feelings I can't explain or control? Then I feel so guilty because I'm engaged and I know I shouldn't feel like this toward someone else. BUT is it really your first love you can't forget or is it the emotions and feelings that being in the love for the first time felt like that you can't forget? Because why would I miss someone that I wasn't happy with? That would just be stupid of me. But I also have a problem with his g/f. I know she doesn't like me. She gives me dirty looks when I see her. But she's gorgeous and sometimes it makes me feel bad because I feel like he's found someone better. It's like I don't want him to be happy. I was perfectly fine until him and his g/f got together. I HATE feeling this way though. It's stupid and it's something I shouldn't even be thinking about but it's something I can't help. See when me and my fiance got together it KILLED him. I could see it in his eyes everytime he saw us together. He couldn't stand seeing me with someone else. In fact he told me that one day (right after me and my fiance got together)....in a round about way but that's what he meant. He said he would always care about me and then asked if I was happy and if my fiance was good to me. But we haven't even spoke for I would say 4 years now. It's almost like I was so resentful towards him that I liked to see him hurting and now he's not anymore...I know how mean that must sound. He doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore. He's obviously dealt with his feelings and moved on, but now how do I? I think I just pushed all of those feelings down so deep and now they've resurfaced and they're really getting to me. How do I deal with them? What do I do to get rid of the way I feel? Please help!

 
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Old 09-16-2005, 05:31 PM   #2
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I think your feelings are natural but try not to overanalyze them. Remember, you said that your ex only spent time with you "when he did not have anything better to do". You wouldn't want that again, would you? Also, fantasizing that you are both star crossed lovers who are "really meant to be" except for some obstacles---may be intriguing---but that's all it is. Fantasizing. Your obstacles are past tense and they were each other. Your current partners and children are not the obstacles now, so don't start looking at them in that light.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 09-16-2005 at 05:32 PM.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 05:57 PM   #3
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Yeah, I don't think you completely get over them either but you definitely lose the amount of affection you had for them. I mean, he is your ex for a reason.

I have the same problem though. I liked this friend of mine for a over a year and when he back together with his ex, I was devasted. But now I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months and he's wonderful but whenever I hear about that guy, (I haven't seen him in over a year) I still get a little emotionally weird. It's like I honestly hate him for all the stupid childish mind games he played on me, but I still kinda miss it as well. And I really don't know why. He was such a kid. And was horrible to me and is horrible to his girlfriend. I think the only reason I still kinda feel weird about him is because I was really attracted to him..Along with everybody else in my town..But who knows. I think it helps if you don't see the person at all though too.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 06:12 PM   #4
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I got over my first love the minute my husband walked into my life, no one in my life has touched me so deep, or had me in so many tears of joy and sorrow. So maybe he IS my first love, lol. My past relationships surely do pale in comparison to him.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 06:22 PM   #5
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I feel in love at 18 and love this man to this day. Do you know how hard it is to swallow the pill that his heart doesn't feel the same anymore? I keep a torch for him and it's my secret. I think about him from time to time and I even still email him to see how him and his new wife are doing. I was married first and had children but knew he didn't look at me as wife material. But that's ok because I really love him and always will so I wish the best for him. I hope his new wife is everything to him and I hope he has children with her that adores him. I have his friendship and that will last longer then anything. SO maybe when we are both 90 we can finally be together. hahahaha Don't blow out the torch. There's no reason to. There is nothing wrong with your heart still getting butterflys, it's just one of the pleasure of the heart.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:47 PM   #6
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I also think it's pretty normal and common to carry around lingering feelings for your first real love. Mine and I always had extremely intense chemistry, even though it usually manifested itself in fighting, and I know we wouldn't make it as a stable couple in the long run. Nonetheless, he still holds a very special place in my heart and whenever we've seen each other since we split up, the chemical connection between us is palpable. We each feel drawn together as if by very powerful magnets and neither of us notice anyone but each other no matter how many people are around when we're in the same room. Neither of us have once been able to resist being drawn together physically and falling into bed...in some sense, I don't think I'll ever have such amazingly passionate sex with anyone else, and the rest of our interactions are just as intense. It truly is a very rare, special, and irresistable connection that we share, but because of the way our passion so often and quickly flares into disputes and the way I ended up leaving him for another man, I don't think we could make a relationship work in the long term. Sometimes this fact makes me a little sad and wistful, but more often I feel happy and smile to myself remembering all the amazing encounters we've shared...and all over my house, his house, our school, and the city in which we live, I see places where we made incredibly passionate love and feel happy for the memories, happy that it happened and that I was fortunate enough to experience such an incredible chemical and emotional attraction to another human being. Anyway, still having feelings for your first love doesn't have to be a negative thing...it's all in the way you look at it. I suggest trying to view the situation like I try to and rather than being sad for what isn't and wasn't, focus on being grateful and happy for what was, for the times you two did share and the magical feelings you had falling in love with him for the very first time. Those are very special, powerful memories you will always carry with you that no one can ever diminish or take away from you, so I'd advise you to channel any negative emotions you feel about the situation into cherishing the memories you do have and that you will always be able to reflect on with a private, secret delight. This has definitely helped me make peace with my first love, and though we only keep in touch sporatically these days, I am still immensely grateful and fortunate that he is and was part of my life...and there's always that chance that we'll get together again in person and get to experience each other in every imaginable way and place that keeps me happy and smiling whenever he pops into my mind . Hopefully you have some of those same happy memories to cherish and focus on instead of feeling sad and mournful for what didn't come to be...

 
Old 09-16-2005, 08:13 PM   #7
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I know I haven't gotten over my 1st love and I was even the one that broke the relationship off!! When I started dating my now husband 8 years ago I thought I was totally over my 1st love, but as the years went on I now know I'm not over him. Don't get me wrong I totally love my husband, but theres something in me that still allows my 1st love to be in my heart. When I see him I get all jittery inside and something always overwhelms me, but I know I made the right decision. The ex wasn't faithful in the relationship and was abusive...how could I even love him after all that?...thats a question I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer too. I guess its just something about your 1st loves that will linger on forever..

 
Old 09-16-2005, 10:16 PM   #8
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Most "first love"s", When looked upon closely, are really just starter relationships. Most of the time, because a person usually was young, the freedom of the time period was missed more than probably a person who wasn"t really ready to know how to love another person.
Seems like their are many movies and tv shows that are based on a person who pines for a first love. Maybe that has an influence on people"s memories?

 
Old 09-16-2005, 10:25 PM   #9
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

I've only truly been in love once.

Dated a beautiful Vietnamese girl for around a year in the 9th grade.

Still to this day, she is one of the most beautiful people I've ever laid eyes on, but more importantly than that she had the perfect 'bubbly' personality.

Alas she was a straight A student and even back then I battled depression and the like... never focused on my studies, instead slacking off and because of my own ignorance pushed her away. (She wanted a motivated guy and for good reason, as she was)


Hell it's a good 10(!) years later and I still haven't gotten over her fully.


This is at least in part, due to the fact that while I've dated a few girls since then, I've yet to find that 'one'

Despite not always believing it in my heart, I know there is someone out there to replace her for me.

In your case it's a little more complex as you seem to have found someone, who should by all accounts have taken his place fully in your heart.


While i can't confirm anything (again since I've yet to find someone who compares to my first love....) It might be true what they say, about never forgetting your first love.

One thing I would like to stress, is that there has been some very good advice on this thread.

Please take it all into account

Last edited by SomeRandomDude; 09-16-2005 at 10:30 PM.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 01:46 AM   #10
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by realguy
Most "first love"s", When looked upon closely, are really just starter relationships. Most of the time, because a person usually was young, the freedom of the time period was missed more than probably a person who wasn"t really ready to know how to love another person.
Seems like their are many movies and tv shows that are based on a person who pines for a first love. Maybe that has an influence on people"s memories?
nah i disagree...it's not that it was a starter relationship... i have, and know people that had relationships that weren't "love" even though they felt it was at the time... it's that first true love...

 
Old 09-17-2005, 01:49 AM   #11
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eaglesgirl37
I also think it's pretty normal and common to carry around lingering feelings for your first real love. Mine and I always had extremely intense chemistry, even though it usually manifested itself in fighting, and I know we wouldn't make it as a stable couple in the long run. Nonetheless, he still holds a very special place in my heart and whenever we've seen each other since we split up, the chemical connection between us is palpable. We each feel drawn together as if by very powerful magnets and neither of us notice anyone but each other no matter how many people are around when we're in the same room. Neither of us have once been able to resist being drawn together physically and falling into bed...in some sense, I don't think I'll ever have such amazingly passionate sex with anyone else, and the rest of our interactions are just as intense. It truly is a very rare, special, and irresistable connection that we share, but because of the way our passion so often and quickly flares into disputes and the way I ended up leaving him for another man, I don't think we could make a relationship work in the long term. Sometimes this fact makes me a little sad and wistful, but more often I feel happy and smile to myself remembering all the amazing encounters we've shared...and all over my house, his house, our school, and the city in which we live, I see places where we made incredibly passionate love and feel happy for the memories, happy that it happened and that I was fortunate enough to experience such an incredible chemical and emotional attraction to another human being. Anyway, still having feelings for your first love doesn't have to be a negative thing...it's all in the way you look at it. I suggest trying to view the situation like I try to and rather than being sad for what isn't and wasn't, focus on being grateful and happy for what was, for the times you two did share and the magical feelings you had falling in love with him for the very first time. Those are very special, powerful memories you will always carry with you that no one can ever diminish or take away from you, so I'd advise you to channel any negative emotions you feel about the situation into cherishing the memories you do have and that you will always be able to reflect on with a private, secret delight. This has definitely helped me make peace with my first love, and though we only keep in touch sporatically these days, I am still immensely grateful and fortunate that he is and was part of my life...and there's always that chance that we'll get together again in person and get to experience each other in every imaginable way and place that keeps me happy and smiling whenever he pops into my mind . Hopefully you have some of those same happy memories to cherish and focus on instead of feeling sad and mournful for what didn't come to be...
my god eaglesgirl.... you and i are so much alike... that is exactly how my first love was... we still have that amazing chemistry... i could handle the arguments, because i don't take debate personally, unfortunately she couldn't... which is a shame because it was out of this world when we were clicking

 
Old 09-17-2005, 02:06 AM   #12
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Hey mada, maybe you are my ex? I certainly hope he still has some of the fond memories I cherish! I doubt he'll forget all of our erotic adventures at the very least, since they occurred just about anywhere and everywhere he's ever been, and I hope he also fondly remembers our always ferociously fought competitions in tennis, video games, and everything else we could compete in. Unfortunately I did take it quite personally whenever I lost in any of these games and especially when I couldn't best him in an argument or debate...I guess it's just not possible to sustain that kind of combustible passion and chemistry forever. Still, I think we're both pretty happy that we were each other's first love and first sexual partner...hmmm, all this reminiscing has made me really miss him and long for a reunion! Too bad he no longer lives in my time zone, but I still think I'll give him a call and see if he's up for getting together sometime soon. So watch out for your phone to ring, OK Mada? It just might be me!

 
Old 09-17-2005, 04:57 AM   #13
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

lol i don't think it's you eaglesgirl. my ex wasn't as articulate as you... but if your interested my number is .... just kidding .

it's a bit like that isn't it though... the reminiscing has made me miss her too, especially considering what's "burst my bubble" lately... i just feel like calling her and seeing what's up... but i can't, she is a bad luck omen, anytime i contact her, strange things happen

 
Old 09-17-2005, 05:26 AM   #14
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Re: Do you ever get over your first love?

Wow, thanks eveyone for all of the wonderful advice. I realize now many of you also feel the same way towards your first loves as do probably most people do for that matter. So maybe it isn't such a bad thing to feel the way I feel. Because honestly I'm not sure it's something I ever could get rid of. He's just "there" ya know? I feel guilty alot though because I wonder what my fiance would think if he knew how I felt. I mean he's the jealous type anyway. I love my fiance and he's good to me. Alot better than my ex would have ever thought about being. And when I see him and his g/f together I can just see it in both of their eyes, they just aren't happy. See I am my fiance's first love. So he doesn't understand it. If we were ever to break-up (which I hope we never do) then he would understand how it felt. I just hate seeing my ex. I wish he didn't live in the same town as me. When I do see him my heart starts beating really fast and I can't breathe and I feel dizzy....it's very strange. I'm not even physically attracted to him anymore. He's changed alot since our break-up and these days he looks really bad. But maybe I shouldn't try to fight away those feelings anymore or feel guilty about them because obviously that isn't doing me any good and only making things worse. Maybe it's when I actually accept them that they'll begin to fade. But I'm not expecting them to completely go away. I know that they won't. Anyway, thanks again for all of the advice. It was very very helpful

 
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