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Old 09-16-2005, 04:47 PM   #1
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MaleVictim HB User
I Need Your Help Ladies

Hi! I recently posted about my pending divorce and only mentioned "some" of the gory details. I am now faced with the situation of someday having to date again, something I have not done in over 20 years. Crazy as it may sound, my only child (son) wants me to date someone that has children. He's always wanted a brother / sister. Well, I think I'm a long ways off from the dating scene. However, when I get the courage to try it again, I will feel a little "gun shy" and not trusting due to my wife's three affairs. During our marriage I tried to do what a woman would like. For instance...

show affection / hold hands / cuddle, etc.
be a gentleman / hold doors open, etc.
buy cards & flowers for special occasions
take wife out to dinner on birthdays and for no occasion
wipe pee off of toilette per her demands
wipe excess water from bathroom sink / rinse tub (per her demands)
help set / clear table
take son to / from school
stay in good physical condition (almost 45, but told I look 35)
work full time job & own a business, too
pay all bills while wife keeps her money

I'm not perfect nor am I looking to be validated for anything I did to please my wife. But, what did I do wrong? What are women looking for in a good man? Am I old fashioned or something? I didn't smoke, do drugs, and hardly drank. I was not obnoxcious / judgemental / conceded. I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, too. So ladies, please, if I'm missing something, let me know. I want to improve on my weaknesses so that I can enjoy a relationship with a woman that will appreciate my character and qualities. I understand that everyone has different likes and needs, but I'm open to any criticism and advice. Thank you in advance.

 
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Old 09-16-2005, 05:04 PM   #2
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Hangin in There HB User
Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Did you please her in bed?

 
Old 09-16-2005, 05:32 PM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 236
angelblue65 HB User
Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

I know it's hard to see right now but you did nothing wrong and you are in the perfect situation to fall into a path of self blame, self doubt, etc. Try to take a step back from your situation and see if you can view it from the perspective if you were viewing this scenario as a friend experiencing all of this, not you. What would you tell your friend if their wife exhibited these same behaviors? I doubt you would tell him he did anything wrong and would be able to more clearly see the big picture.

I know it is scary to think about dating again. But right now, you need to take time for yourself, as it seems you are already aware, but moreso to take this time to believe in yourself again. Trust me, I know it's hard to think that you have something to offer when you are still reeling from a failed relationship. But you have to commend yourself for putting forth the effort that you did. I've been given this advice from someone on another board here and it is valuable so I will pass it along to you. It is very possible you developed some co-dependent tendencies dealing with your wife's behavior - I did with my exBF with all of his issues. It is something you want to be aware of before entering into the dating scene again. I read a book on it and it was very helpful. Instead of dwelling on the what ifs (hmmm, easier said than done), spend the energy finding ways you can learn and grow from this.

Keep your head up and do not keep looking for faults that lie within yourself. You loved with your heart and now you are making decisions with your head. Your son has a good role model. Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll come out ahead.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 05:39 PM   #4
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Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
Did you please her in bed?
Well, I would have done anything for her in that regard. She wasn't much into this aspect of our relationship. Very strange since she felt the need to find this elsewhere although I doubt it was for her own sexual gratification. We had no bizarre or kinky scenarious, though I would have if that's what it took to please her. I may be strange, too, as i feel it's better to put the woman's "needs" before my own. If you give, you will receive. I doubt she will ever be pleased in this regard. I hope someday to find a woman who feels like I do, though.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 05:44 PM   #5
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Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nysstasia
I just have to say this though I'm sure there will be women out there who will vehemently disagree with me. I see my sister and a few woman friends keep their money for themselves and buy fripperies while their husband spends his money on bills. I have never been like that, I've always felt I should contribute to household bills and expenses even if I don't make enough to pay fully half. I feel that a woman that allows your type of arrangement is a user and it doesn't really surprise me that she used you in other ways, too. But that's just my opinion. I find that of the relationships I know, there are some pretty henpecked men out there. Expect more equality and to be treated with respect. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Karen
I appreciate your reply. Actually, I would say that I was far from henpecked. I treated her with respect and dignity and expected the same. Unfortunately, she did not reciprocate. At family / social gatherings she would act all nice - nice; but at home it was a different story. I didn't mind that much that she spent her money and "our money", but I also treated her like an equal. I guess she felt a little "more" equal than I did. I hope to someday be in a relationship where my partner will love me for who I am and not for what I can provide while they go out and have affairs.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 05:47 PM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 24
MaleVictim HB User
Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelblue65
I know it's hard to see right now but you did nothing wrong and you are in the perfect situation to fall into a path of self blame, self doubt, etc. Try to take a step back from your situation and see if you can view it from the perspective if you were viewing this scenario as a friend experiencing all of this, not you. What would you tell your friend if their wife exhibited these same behaviors? I doubt you would tell him he did anything wrong and would be able to more clearly see the big picture.

I know it is scary to think about dating again. But right now, you need to take time for yourself, as it seems you are already aware, but moreso to take this time to believe in yourself again. Trust me, I know it's hard to think that you have something to offer when you are still reeling from a failed relationship. But you have to commend yourself for putting forth the effort that you did. I've been given this advice from someone on another board here and it is valuable so I will pass it along to you. It is very possible you developed some co-dependent tendencies dealing with your wife's behavior - I did with my exBF with all of his issues. It is something you want to be aware of before entering into the dating scene again. I read a book on it and it was very helpful. Instead of dwelling on the what ifs (hmmm, easier said than done), spend the energy finding ways you can learn and grow from this.

Keep your head up and do not keep looking for faults that lie within yourself. You loved with your heart and now you are making decisions with your head. Your son has a good role model. Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll come out ahead.
Very good advice...thank you!

 
Old 09-17-2005, 08:52 AM   #7
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 32
2ndtimearound HB User
Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Dear malevictim,

I really liked angelblue65's advice. I thought it was spot on. I agree that you need time for yourself.

I also think that you are wonderful to do all the things that you listed. Wow! Take it from a woman, you would be a catch!

Try not to think about "dating". It will happen when it happens. In the meantime, make a list in your head, or on paper, of the qualities you would like in a partner.

Stick it on the fridge door and wait. She will appear. Everything works out for the best.


 
Old 09-17-2005, 10:55 AM   #8
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 24
MaleVictim HB User
Re: I Need Your Help Ladies

Dear SecondtimeAround,

Thank you for your kind words! When it comes to feeling good about another relationship, I am worried that my emasculation at my wife's hands would hurt me, but I'm beginning to feel self-validated the longer she's away from me. I think I'll try that list on my refrigerator!

 
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