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Old 09-17-2005, 09:49 AM   #1
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Rita05 HB User
Don't love my husband anymore

My husband means nothing to me now, except the person I share bed with at night and really donít love anymore. I was emotionally consumed, and my feelings for him changed. He thought the world of me first, and shared so many wild and really really exceptional time. He was one of the nicest, most gentle, generous and intelligent people that I ever met. After the first year together however, I discovered things in his personality that shocked me. I felt always stressed out and lacked self-esteem because of things he did and said to me on few occasions of outburst. Sex is something physically necessary, like food and sleep, for me at this stage, and Sex is more or less all I have with him. To be fair, we have a nice time every now and then and heís a good listener to me when I come back from work tired or complain about university. It is peaceful between me and him but I just canít get excited about going out with him anymore and definitely canít envisage a long-time relationship. My mind keeps on straying to thoughts like how much I missing out in terms of nice treatment. At the time being, it is very difficult for me to walk out of it all for many reasons. I am in nature an introvert, a person who is difficult to approach, and I canít flirt back or give any man a chance to take an innocent flirtation further. Although I had quite a few chances, I always turned down men.

I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this weird situation of being and not being with him at the same time.

Rita

Last edited by Rita05; 09-17-2005 at 09:50 AM.

 
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Old 09-17-2005, 10:17 AM   #2
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Falcon554 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rita05
My husband means nothing to me now, except the person I share bed with at night and really donít love anymore. I was emotionally consumed, and my feelings for him changed. He thought the world of me first, and shared so many wild and really really exceptional time. He was one of the nicest, most gentle, generous and intelligent people that I ever met. After the first year together however, I discovered things in his personality that shocked me. I felt always stressed out and lacked self-esteem because of things he did and said to me on few occasions of outburst. Sex is something physically necessary, like food and sleep, for me at this stage, and Sex is more or less all I have with him. To be fair, we have a nice time every now and then and heís a good listener to me when I come back from work tired or complain about university. It is peaceful between me and him but I just canít get excited about going out with him anymore and definitely canít envisage a long-time relationship. My mind keeps on straying to thoughts like how much I missing out in terms of nice treatment. At the time being, it is very difficult for me to walk out of it all for many reasons. I am in nature an introvert, a person who is difficult to approach, and I canít flirt back or give any man a chance to take an innocent flirtation further. Although I had quite a few chances, I always turned down men.

I would appreciate any advice on how to handle this weird situation of being and not being with him at the same time.

Rita

How long have you been married? Maybe seperate for a time being. He kinda sounds like I use to be, untill I got sick and my wife had an affair. That will shock you back into reality and fast. All my wife and I had was sex, even being seperated for 4 months and her affair we still have that. At least its something to build on. My wife and I are now good friends and someday maybe more.

One big problem is that people change only when they want to. As much as my wife ask me to change it took me wanting to for me, no matter what she said. See if you can get him into some councling, I know it has helped me alot.

Seperation can be a good thing, my wife and I have had the best times we have ever had since we seperated. Sounds weird I know but we do things we would never do before.

Good luck

 
Old 09-17-2005, 02:28 PM   #3
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Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Falcon

Thanks a lot for your reply and for sharing your personal experience. Your suggestion does make a lot of sense. I think that a distant relationship would maintain a level of respect and freshness in the relationship, although I find it hard to take the first steps. I have been with him for two years now. Can anyone suggest to me how to withdraw without completely breaking the tie, given that I have no family or friends where I live.. I think that he wouldn't be as open as you are about it.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:05 AM   #4
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Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Have you ever considered marriage counseling? It sounds like you're unable to communicate with your husband in an honest and open way. And the one person you should be able to communicate with is your life partner.

Perhaps seeing a counselor will help you open up and get these feelings out in the air. It will at least open his eyes to the fact that there is a problem in your relationship and will hopefully get the ball rolling.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:19 AM   #5
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Falcon554 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainy_daze
Have you ever considered marriage counseling? It sounds like you're unable to communicate with your husband in an honest and open way. And the one person you should be able to communicate with is your life partner.

Perhaps seeing a counselor will help you open up and get these feelings out in the air. It will at least open his eyes to the fact that there is a problem in your relationship and will hopefully get the ball rolling.
Yea thats a great idea. Haveing been seperated for 4 months and going thru a divorce my wife and I communicate so much better now then we ever did before. Atleast I listen now, I never did before.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 08:04 AM   #6
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Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Daze is right, seeing a counselor is a must first approach before ANYTHING else you do; seperate, cheat, divorce, ect.

I wish my wife would go... or soon to be ex-wife

Don't give up because there is always something there that put you to together in the first place. If you have kids, there are even more reasons to not give up. They are more important than anything or anyone (including yourself).

As for the part about men hitting on you... don't even think about that. NEVER EVER EVER cheat on your spouse. NEVER do that. It's the worst thing you could do to him/her. I'll be honest, it worse than losing a loved one to death. So if you could be okay with killing his parents, then you are okay to cheat.

Think about how you would feel if you were in the other shoes. I wish everyone would think that way.

Good luck!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 09:57 AM   #7
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Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Hi. I came her a few years ago because my husband fell out of love with me and was talking about divorce. We did separate for a few months, but thankfully, we were able to repair our marriage. I firmly believe that before ending a marriage, you should exhaust all your resources to save it. That requires effort from BOTH parties, regardless of where the fault mainly lies. In most instances, both parties are contributing to the dysfunction of the relationship. Changing your own behavior could very well make a difference in his. After you have exhausted all resources and have genuinely tried to save things, if it isn't working, you can leave with the comfort of knowing you did all you can to save the marriage.

I believe in earning your way out, and suffering silently doesn't count. I am not suggesting that you remain married or seek a divorce. In time, you will know what you need to do, but make that effort first. Counseling is a good step, and I think the thing that helped me the most was taking a good hard look at how I behaved in the marriage, and how that affected his behavior. You cannot change your husband but you can change how you react to him, and that can make a huge difference. Start with you and the rest will fall into place. At the very least, if the marriage ends, you won't carry any issues into your next relationship. Good luck to you either way. I know all too well how much these types of situations hurt. You will feel better in time. Keep us posted.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 12:11 PM   #8
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Rita05 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Falcon, Rainy, Arrow and Hillary, thanks a lot for all your support and very helpful replies.
Broken Arrow, I didn't mean or want to cheat, I can't mentally/physically do it, especially that I still live with him. But what is cheating? I can restrain my body but can't restrain my mind wanting more. Life is short and staying with him inhibits me from living life to the full, and yet I need him physically and as a friend. He did on two occasions flirt sexually in a night club when he was drunk (in front of me) and it sucks! On the other hand, we once sat next to lovely Polish man (who was also drunk) and he was friendly to both of us but kept on saying to him how gorgeous I was and asked me to kiss him on the cheek, which was very innocent, but I refused out of respect for his feelings. However I still I think that I deserve to be treated better and it breaks my heart to deny myself the love that many other men could/did offer. It would also be unfair on him to be only a sex-machine, for I could care less now about loving him. He is now on counselling with regards to his drinking problem. I was on anti-depressants for 6 months. Now he is far more in control of his behaviour than he used to be, but our relationship is not free of outbursts, at least once a month. And yet I can't forgive him for the past.

Hillary I did change my attitude and reactions to him, but this meant detaching myself emotionally from him, and therefore being more open to the idea of leaving. Just today I received an offer of accommodation and I am SO much confused about whether to confirm it or not, I need to do so by tomorrow 2pm! Do you guys think that I should leave? the problem is that I have to sign a year's contract.

Thanks a million for your all your help

Rita

Last edited by Rita05; 09-18-2005 at 12:15 PM.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:03 PM   #9
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onyR HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

"but kept on saying to him how gorgeous I was and asked me to kiss him on the cheek"

Question, did your husband do the same when you first met him? Trust me, guys are looking for ONE thing and to get that, they will do and say anything. I know, I'm a guy. I used to be that way back in my frat years.

I said it here before, when I was in Vegas last time I had two different very good looking women come onto me at the Hard Rock Casino (used to be called Babe's). It was flattering and you know... when was the last time my wife came on to me like that?

See my point?

Again, good luck with this and remember. NOTHING is as bad as you think that it can't be worked on or fixed.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 06:09 AM   #10
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Rita05 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Hi again

Yesterday, my boss rang me a couple of times and invited me over to his flat (to watch a couple of DVDs!). Now my boss has been quite friendly to me. He's fun and considerate, and he makes me laugh a lot. I answered the phone in front of my husband, and I declined his invitation. I explained to him that I just came back from the university and that I did two jobs on that day so I was really feeling exhuasted, this was my excuse. He replied that I treat him like S***. I was surprised by his reaction (and by his invitation). Don't you think that way he behaved was a bit abnormal? But the honest truth is that I need an outlet. I need to free myself from this stress that suffered for over a year. I don't want to be mean or unfaithful but I just hate the person I am. I am not happy in my marriage but too weak to walk out of it and let go of everything. Most importantly, I am not open at all to social life, and so opportunities to free myself are minimised because of my closed nature. Don't know what to do!

Last edited by Rita05; 09-22-2005 at 06:12 AM.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 10:34 AM   #11
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Falcon554 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rita05
Hi again

Yesterday, my boss rang me a couple of times and invited me over to his flat (to watch a couple of DVDs!). Now my boss has been quite friendly to me. He's fun and considerate, and he makes me laugh a lot. I answered the phone in front of my husband, and I declined his invitation. I explained to him that I just came back from the university and that I did two jobs on that day so I was really feeling exhuasted, this was my excuse. He replied that I treat him like S***. I was surprised by his reaction (and by his invitation). Don't you think that way he behaved was a bit abnormal? But the honest truth is that I need an outlet. I need to free myself from this stress that suffered for over a year. I don't want to be mean or unfaithful but I just hate the person I am. I am not happy in my marriage but too weak to walk out of it and let go of everything. Most importantly, I am not open at all to social life, and so opportunities to free myself are minimised because of my closed nature. Don't know what to do!

My wife had an affair that started in May and just ended 2 weeks ago. He gave her what I didnt. Made her feel good and all that, well she started to fall in love with this man then she found out what he really was. He was a player, was trying to get with her friends to. My wife even gave this fool 400 buck when she could not make her rent. By the way he is married to. Well his wife now knows, she has talked to my wife. Its just a big freaking mess.

The grass is alway greener untill it comes back to bite you in the butt . It did my wife, she cryed over this fool and guess who was there to hear it, yep me and I did not mind she was there for years for me and I was not for her its the least I could do for her right now.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 11:11 AM   #12
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evy38 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

I don't think you will be able to figure out what to do,.............. until you decide whether or not you still want to be married.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 01:09 PM   #13
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Rita05 HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Thanks Falcon again,
I read your thread, and I think that I identified more with you than with your wife. I think that you and I are in a similar position of not wanting to let go despite the hurt. The difference is that I am now more on the edge, losing control as never before, the marriage lost its charm and I lost my love for him, unlike you. I am very careful as to what I should do next, and I am on counselling. The thing is when something is broken, the relationship can NEVER be normal again, although you forgive and you try to forget but there is always something there that makes you think, did/does this person really deserve my love and forgiveness, are they worth the pain they let me through? Are they worth spending a LIFETIME with? My mind is so confused at the moment and as for me I can't decide, the temptation to break free is strong, and the pain of breaking up with him will be even greater, that it might overshadow any pleasure that a new start promises!!!!!

 
Old 09-22-2005, 01:48 PM   #14
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Reace HB User
Re: Don't love my husband anymore

O.K. I have been there so I KNOW how you feel. First, it is my opinion that true love is not simply a feeling BUT an action (or culmanation of actions). The "love" feeling wears off and the excitement in any relationship will eventually dwindle. It may or may not come back but it WILL at some point change. I have learned that I must make a constant effort to love my husband-even when the fanciful feeling is gone. When I got married, I promised to "love" him and as hard as it is sometimes, I do. No, he does not always do it for me in the looks department, the bedroom and just in everyday life BUT I may not for him either, ya know. I have to make the decision several times a day to find a way to love him through whatever.

Take for example your child (if and when you have one), it is a diff. type of love but it is nevertheless, love. You do not simply love them because they are funny or smart or pretty. You love them because you are their mom...just like he is your husband. You have a commitment to do so. I get up and cook everyday because I love them. I sacrifice everyday because I love them. I discipline them because I love them.

Respect your husband because you love him. Fight for that spark you all once had because you love him. DO NOT give up a good thing because a feeling is gone. They will always come and go...believe me.

Be honest with your man and tell him how you feel and both of you make a commitment to bettering your relationship. If he is as understanding as you say, he will respect your feelings and commit to making things better.

Please remember that feelings change daily. If we live our lives on feelings alone, no one, children, husbands, wives, pets...will ever have stability. I think that you are still in love with your husband but are just consumed with other things that may be going on in your relationship or personal life. He may also be going through some things that are making him and his personality change-thus, affecting the way you feel about him.

Talk about it and see what happens. Rededicate yourself to falling in love with him all over again and let me know what happens.

Good luce and good love.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 02:12 PM   #15
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Re: Don't love my husband anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reace
O.K. I have been there so I KNOW how you feel. First, it is my opinion that true love is not simply a feeling BUT an action (or culmanation of actions). The "love" feeling wears off and the excitement in any relationship will eventually dwindle. It may or may not come back but it WILL at some point change. I have learned that I must make a constant effort to love my husband-even when the fanciful feeling is gone. When I got married, I promised to "love" him and as hard as it is sometimes, I do. No, he does not always do it for me in the looks department, the bedroom and just in everyday life BUT I may not for him either, ya know. I have to make the decision several times a day to find a way to love him through whatever.

Take for example your child (if and when you have one), it is a diff. type of love but it is nevertheless, love. You do not simply love them because they are funny or smart or pretty. You love them because you are their mom...just like he is your husband. You have a commitment to do so. I get up and cook everyday because I love them. I sacrifice everyday because I love them. I discipline them because I love them.

Respect your husband because you love him. Fight for that spark you all once had because you love him. DO NOT give up a good thing because a feeling is gone. They will always come and go...believe me.


Be honest with your man and tell him how you feel and both of you make a commitment to bettering your relationship. If he is as understanding as you say, he will respect your feelings and commit to making things better.


Please remember that feelings change daily. If we live our lives on feelings alone, no one, children, husbands, wives, pets...will ever have stability. I think that you are still in love with your husband but are just consumed with other things that may be going on in your relationship or personal life. He may also be going through some things that are making him and his personality change-thus, affecting the way you feel about him.

Talk about it and see what happens. Rededicate yourself to falling in love with him all over again and let me know what happens.

Good luce and good love.

Reace, thanks for your warm reply, I felt tearful when you said fight for the spark, cause I really loved him once wholeheartedly. The spark has gone not because of familiarity, but because of deep deep sharp and unpredicted hurt that is taking ages to heal, and I just feel numb. Maybe it is the depression . I experienced the pain of being put down the closest person to me when i treasured him and trusted him the most !
He noticed the change in my personality, and I think that he feels guilty inside of him. He suggests things like taking me out to buy exotic fish tanks something that I really loved doing, he bought me tickets to see the biggest horse race in the country and booked a fantastic classical room in guest house in a lovely village. So I know that he's trying his best. Last night he pulled me so close to him in bed and kept his arms tight around me. I felt very warm but not even able on this occasion to reciprocate (although we still have wild sex).

((((((((Reace))))))) Thanks a million...

Last edited by Rita05; 09-22-2005 at 02:16 PM.

 
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