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Old 09-17-2005, 02:13 PM   #1
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Lilly10 HB User
At my wits end!!!

Well my 6 year relationship came to an abrupt end about a month ago because my fiancee decided he no longer wanted our relationship even though he never ever showed anything to indicate that prior to that awful awful day!! Well from the time that it has happened I thought there could be someone else as I just could not come to terms with why someone who told you they loved you that morning just fell out of love by that evening!! Well since then things have just been crazy we are both living under the same roof still and it is killing me but I just cant figure out what to do. I cant afford the mortgage on my own along with all the other expences but I cant find an apartment that will accept dogs that is affordable and all the ones that do say 50 pounds and under (she is a newfoundland) and the rent is so expenive. So here I stay night after night home crying with no body as I dont live in my home state and don't have anyone close by me. He goes out every night of the week and comes home late at night. Well I have tried not to say much to him but I held it in for to long and the other night I had a mental melt down and wound up crying for 4 hours straight. I mean when he comes home he just like hey how are you doing or did you have a good day today?? Yeah I had a great day today I mean what does he think I am a basket case and everything I care about and have worked so hard for is just up in smoke. This whole thing is all about him and he does not even seem to care how devastated I am (he tries to pretend that he does).

Well back to my suspision about him seeing someone else we have always been very open about pass codes to eachothers bank accounts and cell phone pass codes and so on. I admit I snooped at his bank records on line and there were a few restaurants he was at that he spent well over what you would spend on yourself. I asked him about the charges he said that sometimes when he and his co workers go to lunch he will pay for them and the next time someone else will pay??? Today I just went out to get the mail and there was a welcome package for him from a new cell phone provider!! I was floored I opened it up and sure enough he got another cell phone and has had it for 2 weeks now!! I called him up and asked why he go a new cell phone he said that he got it because when all is said and done and one of us moves he is getting rid of the land line. I said just admit to me that there is someone else why cant you just admit it well again he denied it to the end!! I cant take this anymore i just cant I am slowly going insane. Please someone tell me will he take this to his grave why cant he just admit it to me?

 
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Old 09-17-2005, 02:25 PM   #2
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LittleRose1982 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Lilly,
Wow that must be incredibly frustrating for you! It's got to be impossibly hard to remain living under the same roof as the man who broke your heart. What reasons did he give you for breaking up?
I don't know what the situation is with the house you're living in, but could you ask HIM to be the one who leaves and then see if you can find a roommate to help you with the payments? That way you can keep your dog. Look into fixing the living situation as soon as possible, because it sounds to me like your stress about him seeing another girl is stemming from the pain of still living with him. It would be much easier for you to heal and move on if you weren't. I think that should be your first priority.
Now... as painful as it is going to be to hear this, you really don't have any justification for checking up on his bank account or cell phone activity. You are no longer in a relationship with him and he really owes you no explanation for things he's bought or done. Regardless of whether or not he's telling you the truth. He shouldn't have to explain himself. So it's important that you stop driving yourself crazy trying to solve this mystery and work on the important task of mending your broken heart. The best type of break is a clean one: it heals much easier. When you keep scratching at the wound, it's never going to heal. You're torturing yourself by continuing to monitor his actions as if he was still your boyfriend. I can't imagine how painful this is for you, but it won't do you any good to hear that he does have another girlfriend. Believe it or not, that will most likely make you feel worse. The best chance you have at moving on is convincing yourself not to care! Don't be concerned with where he is or who he's with... put him out of your life as much as you possibly can and concentrate on your own life. Devote all your energy right now to fixing your living arrangements. I would really look into finding a roommate to live in the house with you and having HIM be the one to leave. Or, if that isn't an option, you may want to consider moving home. I realize it would be a big move for you, but right now you need to get yourself out of that situation. By any means necessary.
Best wishes, and remember that things will get better!!

 
Old 09-17-2005, 02:56 PM   #3
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SophiaM HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Lilly, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely agree with LittleRose that you would be able to get through this whole ordeal much better if you could stop living with him and seeing him on a daily basis. It must be so tormenting to have to witness him going out every night and coming home late--this only adds insult to injury. You don't need to be dealing with this additional stress and grief right now. Please try to resolve the living situation as soon as possible and after one of you moves out, stop all contact with him, and especially don't agree to be his "friend." This man has hurt you and broke your heart--he needs to be out of your life 100% so you can begin to move forward. Hugs to you

 
Old 09-17-2005, 04:13 PM   #4
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

I am agreeing with Sophia and Rose, the living situation has got to be changed. If you were able to move home, that would kill two birds with one stone. You would be able take your dog AND be away from this guy.

He may leave every night to put distance between you two. It doesn't mean that he has found someone else. Plus his explanation about taking turns paying the bill does sound legit, as my friends and I take turns paying the bill. BUT, he owes you no explanation and your prying is really unfair. I'm suprised he took it so lightly. I don't think any man would find that attractive or endearing.

Whatever his reasons are, the relationship is over. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy and you are probably better off without him. Just get yourself out of the house and let him figure out a roommate. Do you think he may be getting some sick pleasure from seeing you stay home night after night crying?

 
Old 09-17-2005, 05:12 PM   #5
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Thanks so much for all your advise. I know I have to get out this living situation ASAP we just decided that he is going to stay with a friend he works with till we can figure things out further. I admit my snooping was wrong and I have never been a snooper in the past. The thing is that we have always had access to each others bank accounts so I did not crack the pass code or anything and yes I admit my heartache got the best of me and for my own good I will no longer be doing that as it just makes me more upset. It is just hard because we own this house together so there are finaces involved so that makes it but more sticky. I guess the best thing to do is go back home and be with my family and friends but it is hard to give up my house as I worked so hard to own it but I guess this is life. Im just trying my best to try and heal but I think I have a long road ahead of me. Thanks again!!!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 10:39 AM   #6
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

So the house can be put on the market and sold and you will get what you put in, plus a fair share of the equity without any problems right? Hopefully you can reinvest it in a house all your OWN!!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 12:04 PM   #7
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ProudVegan HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

I'd do what ibeeshell says....

Goodluck and i hope all works out for you. I can imagine how painful this situation is..

 
Old 09-18-2005, 12:59 PM   #8
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

As far as the house goes it can be put on the market in April without paying capital gaines which I would like to avoid as it can be as hight as 28% of the profit. The other issue is that I paid the entire down payment on the house so I guess then I should get more of the profits. Im thinking a bit more clearly today and have decided to move back home because I will at least have support from friends and family and also I wont have to see him anymore which will make things easier. He can do what he pleases as we are no longer together but im still sad . I just keep saying you will make it and something good will come out of this somehow not sure what but something.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:15 PM   #9
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plumbcrazy HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

If you put down the entire down payment, can you afford to keep the place if you refinance into an adjustable rate or whatnot? It is something to look into, even if you did an interest only loan then you could keep the house for the time being and if you decide to sell next summer so be it. Call your mortgage person for advice!!!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:22 PM   #10
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Yes, but then she has to live in the same city as the ex, where there is no family or friends for support.

But Lily, can't you avoid capital gaines if you turn around and reinvest in a new property? Check out a 1031 exchange.

I know you don't want to keep in contact with the ex, BUT you do have to protect your investment, don't let him abandon the property, nor rent it out to anyone you disapprove of. Make sure you are in on picking out the real estate agent when it comes time to list and are included in any and all meetings. The agent and the price will be crucial!

Chin up dear girl!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 03:24 PM   #11
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Well I wish I could reivest but my home state is Mass and it is just not even funny how much houses cost there that is why I bought this house in ME. But I will still be close enough to come here when and if I need to. So here I am now I have to look for a new job and give up the job that I love here and look for an apartment so I have plenty on my plate. He will be moving back in the house as soon as I go back to Mass and he will work on putting a little work into it. As far as staying here I just cant do it there is really nothing here for me that I want anymore everything that was here for me is now gone. This is his last night here at the house and I think I am going to be in for a really hard week but I must let go (crying) this is just so hard for me and I wonder when I will begin to heal. I just always thought he loved me so much that is what he always showed me and now it is like who are you how did you become this mean cold jerk? I guess people just cope differently and I am just so much more sensative and I always do my best not to hurt people even in the worst situations. I just hate sitting here and looking at all of stuff and thinking of our life that is no longer the memories are just unbearable to me. I hope I can find a new job soon but one that is comparable to what I have now.

I will keep my chin up Ibeeshell!!! Thanks

 
Old 09-20-2005, 11:30 AM   #12
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TTBABM HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Hi Lilly How Are You
Boy Your Situation Is Alot Like Mine. I Am Moving Out Tommorrow Into My Moms House(she Had A Stroke And Is In Rehab For 6 Mnths)the Emotions I Feel Are Overwhelming. Don't Worry About Snooping Around It Is Just Human Nature, But At Some Point All It Does Is Hurt You More. Splitting Everything Up Including The Home After You Work So Hard To Get It Just Seems To Rub Salt Inthe Wound. I Live In The Bay Area Ca. It Too Is So Expensive I Doubt I Will Ever Be Able To Afford Another One Here. More Salt. Please Keep In Touch

Dan

 
Old 09-20-2005, 11:55 AM   #13
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Lilly10 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

I made it through my first night alone in the house it was really hard but I was prepared for it. It was hard watching him pack up his stuff to go stay with friends but I felt strong and releived that he was going as living under the same roof was torture for me. Funny today I feel much better then I have through this whole ordeal so I am preparing to move forward and work on me! He finally after how many weeks admitted that there is someone claims they started talking after our breakup but I dont believe it. He also stated that they have not been intimate but who knows and you know what for right now I dont care!

Thanks TTBABM I think that my snooping actually brought the truth that I needed to start moving on. I know rubbing salt in the wounds (ouch) how much salt can we possibly take. I'm sick of it and so tired of being lied to. He showed me some true colors of his and he is not the person he pretends to be. At least I know that no matter what I am honest and sincere and I have never lied to him.

Good luck TT being alone for the first time is hard!

 
Old 09-20-2005, 01:19 PM   #14
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

I moved out west with a guy and we were together for 3 yrs... After it went kafphlooey I kind of had an emotional meltdown.
I loved my job - it had great potential & great people.. But I ended up moving home for the support of family & friends like folks have mentioned above.

I stayed with my folks til I found a job, and built up enough for an apartment..
5 yrs after I moved back here I met my husband. I'll never know why I had to move out there just to move back - but if it leads you to a path similar to the one that led me to where I am today then I wish the same for you.

Sometimes you don't know why things happen until much further on...

 
Old 09-20-2005, 03:50 PM   #15
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ibeeshell HB User
Re: At my wits end!!!

Lily, I'm happy you to hear you made it through your first night alone.

I am sorry however that you found out there is actually someone else! I know we are not supposed to wish ill will towards others, BUT in this case I'm making an exception. I hope the new gal wrenches the jerk around at some point and leaves HIM wondering what happened!

 
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