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Old 09-17-2005, 06:04 PM   #1
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Question How much fighting is too much fighting?

All couples fight. I realize this. But how much fighting is too much fighting?

I fight with my boyfriend on almost a daily basis. And it's over the most stupid things ever. Him not calling me back until 4 hours later, making plans and then someone breaking them, not seeing eachother enough, seeing eachother too much...When does it end? I love this boy to death and we both know we want to be with eachother forever, but we just fight constantly. And we both talked about how we fight too much, and that we both hate it yet it still occurs.

Does anybody else have this problem?

 
Old 09-17-2005, 07:46 PM   #2
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

Hey DivaDevilition, Im currently having the same problem, but i find we get over things alot and dont care to remember them. Im in a long distance relationship, and have been for about a month now, we talk constantly and fight almost over everything, but i find these things are making us stronger. Aslong as these arguements arnt giving you any doubts about your boyfriend, then i see no need to worry about this. Im in the same vote as you, me and my girlfriend are both commited and dedicated to make this work, and if you really mean it, my advice would be to try and stay as positive as you can, try not to let the little fights get in your way.

Anyways, i hope i helped.
GOOD LUCK

 
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Old 09-18-2005, 01:03 AM   #3
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

Sorry guys, but I don't see either of these relationships having much of a future. When you are fighting all the time about tiny, trivial issues, that's a really bad sign for the relationship...it generally shows that both partners are too young and inexperienced to be involved in a serious, committed relationship and starting to outgrow the confines of the relationship. Zach, as you know, I really don't see what you are getting out of spending some of the most exciting years of your life saddled to a girl who lives far away and who you never get to spend time with...especially if you are constantly arguing, what about this relationship is at all appealing to you and keeps you committed to her? Sorry, I just don't understand what positive aspects there are to that situation and what benefits you are getting out of this relationship when you don't see each other in person. DD, I don't know much about the specifics of your situation, but to me it sounds like one or both of you is struggling for more freedom and independence within the confines of your relationship. Such frequent, trivial fights are certainly not a good sign nor remotely beneficial for a healthy mature, relationship, though I can certainly understand why people in your situations would want to think that. It sounds to me like you are both too young to be caught up in relationships so serious...I know at this point it feels like you are destined to be with your first true loves forever, but in reality, that feeling almost inevitably fades in time and usually isn't worth clinging to once arguments become much more commonplace than harmony within a relationship. DD, I'm sorry if I'm wrong for assuming that this is your first serious relationship, but it just seems to me like both you and Zach would be a lot happier (and make progress toward more mature and fulfilling love lives) if you were to cut your losses with these partners and find relationships that proceed smoothly and harmoniously considering what stages you are at in your lives. It may seem like your first loves will last forever and that you have all the time in the world to be young and gain invaluable experience with life and love, but these are both false delusions that will stunt you in the long run if you continue to cling to these views despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary. I don't mean to be overly negative here, but I do think you should both devote some serious thought to whether or not you might not be happier and better off if you were free of your current relationships, if you can imagine how you'd feel once you got past the initial heartbreak. While I know it's often impossible to imagine ever being happy or in love again if things were to end with your first love, that doesn't mean the relationship is healthy, stable, or an overall positive influence in your life. So when does frequent fighting become too much fighting? In my opinion, that happens when the arguments and negativity overshadow the positive, gratifying aspects of a relationship, basically when the pain and frustration is more prevalent than the happiness provided by a given relationship.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 09:03 AM   #4
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

eaglesgirl37, I do respect your opinion however, people have been married with there first love for example my grandparents at age 15 got married had kids at 16 and have been happy and together for 40 years. Although i do know that "statistics" show that people who fall in love there first time wont last forever, i aim to prove it wrong. So should other people in the same vote. No Offence, but people who fall in love really dont want to hear that its not going to work out, and honestly that only puts questions in their head like "what if..." I understand that people fighting alot isnt a healthy topic, but the amount of happy times me and my girlfriend have had stand out way more then the stupid arguements. In my opinion, finding someone you would like to spend your life with at an earlier age and knowing that person feels the same is a good thing. Why would i need to go through countless relationships with people that would probably just break my heart over and over (not to mention the threat of diseases and such) When i could be with someone who makes me feel complete and makes me happy just knowing i always have someone there for me.

Overall other people in my situation should not hear that its not going to work out, That in itself can end the relationship. YES, i do realize theres other people in this world, but if you have found someone you cant find anything wrong about, and she/he fits your lifestyle and goals perfectly. Why let that go?

 
Old 09-18-2005, 10:29 AM   #5
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

See that's exactly my point though...it would be wonderful if you found someone you loved very much who you could be with. But being in a relationship where you very rarely get to spend any time together in person is incredibly difficult, and that's the part that's most problematic in my view. I'm certainly not hoping that things don't work out for you, it's just that I've seen so many people your age in the same situation end up disappointed, and I was trying to provide a little perspective having seen what I've seen. I feel like most of what I've said to you is coming out wrong and not at all as I'm intending it...what I'm trying to convey is that I've experienced trying to sustain a long distance high school romance in college, and know how incredibly difficult, frustrating, expensive, and daunting it can be firsthand. I've seen so many young people make what in retrospect seem like huge sacrifices trying to make relationships work against significant odds just because they really want to believe their first loves will last forever. That's the magic of your first love, that conviction and certainty that you've found the one and that nothing will stand in your way. That's wonderful and special, something everyone should cherish fully, but also remember that everyone feels just the same way you do about their first love, and sometimes that's not enough to make it work. Of course it's ideal in theory to meet the right person early on and avoid heartbreak and potential STDs (although loving and sleeping with a variety of people are often wonderful, amazing experiences that teach invaluable life lessons who people with very limited experience with sex and romance never grasp)...so it's not necessarily best to settle down with your first true love, and experience with the opposite sex, even when it doesn't last forever, is usually not the kind of negative experiences you seem to think nor the heartbreaking experiences we hear about so often on these boards. A lot of relationships' outcomes depend on your outlook and whether you view it as a positive experience, no matter how it works out, or as a huge crushing disappointment unless you live happily ever and it lasts forever. Your happiness both in terms of how your experiences play out and in terms of your attitude depends in great part upon your outlook and how determined you are to be happy and think positively. Still, just because you want something to work out doesn't necessarily mean it will, and sometimes the harder you try, the more you jeopardize the chances of that happening.

My point here is, four years is an incredibly long time, and I think there's a reason everyone has been telling you that you might want to take a step back here and assess the situation objectively. Putting your emotions aside for the moment, you're dating a girl you've been seeing for a few months who you're not going to be able to see for the vast majority of the next four years...it's great that you met someone you love and that you're going to try and make it work, people are only saying that you might want to have a more casual attitude toward the situation. Investing all of your hopes, energy, and emotion into a relationship that is facing very lengthy and difficult odds is setting yourself up for disappointment if things in any way fall short of the ideal outcome you're counting on. Whereas if you decided to stay together, but not be quite so serious and determined to be seriously and permanently committed, you'd leave yourself a lot more room to be pleasantly surprised and a lot less room to be potentially disappointed. I'm only saying this over and over because I wish someone would have tried to reason with me when I was starting off college trying to sustain a high school romance with the firm, unwavering expectation that we would survive four years apart, then get married and live happily ever after. That's a lot of pressure to put on any young relationship, but especially for one in which both partners are surrounded by attractive single partiers who aren't their significant other and rarely get to see each other, that level of pressure can sometimes take a rough toll on a relationship and backfire. Whereas if expectations were kept less lofty and uncompromising, the relationship would have more room to breathe, change, and grow over time...I really think if a long distance relationship is to have a good chance of success, it needs this space, and putting too much pressure and overly rigid expectations on it can end up smothering a relationship that might have thrived under more flexible, laidback circumstances. Does that make sense to you at all??

I just wish I would have approached my college long distance relationship with a more open-minded, tolerant attitude, but instead I expected nothing less than perfection and if anything deviated from my plan, I'd set myself up to be disappointed rather than leaving room to be surprised in a good way by how things evolved and eventually panned out. I let the pressure of being apart get to me and make me nervous and stressed about our relationship, which made me try too hard to force it to be perfect rather than gently give it the freedom it needed to thrive and evolve over time. The whole point of these boards is for people to share honest, candid advice about their own experiences in hopes of helping others navigate similar situations without making the same mistakes as they did and learning the same lessons the hard way for themselves, rather than benefitting from the lessons others have learned firsthand. That's what I'm aiming to do, share my experiences and what I've observed among lots of other couples in your situation so you can benefit from that life experience and perspective without having to learn the lessons on your own. I'm really not trying to be negative or bring you down here, just hopefully to at least help you be aware of potential mistakes you are setting yourself up for so maybe you don't have to make the same mistakes I made. I'm not saying things won't work out, just that your current approach might not be the best one...you might have better luck nourishing this relationship if you don't put so much pressure and such high hopes on it.

I strongly suggest you read through your past threads and carefully consider the other advice you've received...there have been lots of good points made from a variety of wise perspectives, and hopefully they will help you see this a bit more objectively and a bit less emotionally. While you might want everyone to tell you that you and your GF will undoubtedly live happily ever after, no one knows that for sure, and such advice would not only be irresponsible but also do you a disservice by telling you what you want to hear without imparting any ideas that will make you think about your relationship from a variety of viewpoints and carefully consider the best approach, which isn't necessarily that which your reactionary instincts lead you toward. Again, I really do hope everything works out great with this relationship if that's what will make you happiest in the long run...only time will tell, but remember that everything works out the way it does for a reason, and the more you try to force a certain situation to have a particular outcome, the less likely you are to be satisfied with how it turns out. While everything you've said makes sense and is clearly heartfelt, you'd benefit from thinking carefully about all aspects of your situation, not just the ones you want and hope to see.

No one is rooting against you; qutie the contrary...personally I'm just hoping that you can avoid mistakes and unhappiness within your relationship by learning from others' experiences. The less pressure and expectations you put on your relationship, the better the odds of it working out in a way that will pleasantly surprise both you and your GF. Again, while you might not like to hear anything but, of course it will work out great, that doesn't mean such advice is useful because it's nothing you aren't already telling yourself...it's also important to remember that being a teenager today is a lot different than being that age when our parents were young, and especially so when our grandparents were young. 15 or 16 during the depression is the equivalent of being probably early to mid twenties today, when most people are going out on their own into the workforce, so you and your GF both have a lot of maturing to do, and the more you realize this and give you both room to grow within the confines of your relationship, the better your chances of staying happily together. OK, that's my last rant, I promise, as I still don't feel like I'm doing a good job of conveying my point. Hopefully some of the advice you've received in response to your posts has been somewhat illuminating, and I know everyone wishes you the best of luck and lots of future happiness.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:51 PM   #6
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

If you have to ask, IT IS TOO MUCH!!!! You probably need to end this relationship and find someone who is a better fit for you. Someone whom you respect and respects you enough not to bicker or argue constantly. Good Luck!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 02:21 PM   #7
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

A good fight is great as long as no one gets hurt, lol. It depends how far it is going, physical abuse should not be tolerated under any circumstances. If the fighting is getting to be too much open the lines of communication a bit.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 10:59 AM   #8
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

I am just wanting to say that me and my boyfriend have been together almost three years. At first we hardly ever faught.. it was wonderful. Then we hit a rough patch and broke up for like three months, when we got back together we were good for say a few months and then all we ever did was argue about EVERYTHING. He is in PA for college and im still at home for college and we still fight over stupid little things on the phone, but afterwards we talk about it and how we both think each little fight makes us stronger and it had taught us both to open up emotionally. I love him with all my heart and vice versa, we were meant for eachother and if we didnt have our little fights constantly.. i dont think we would be where we are today. So.. thats all i wanted to say really.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 01:03 PM   #9
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

I don't know how FUN being in a relationship w/ someone and fighting daily for months and months would be... but fights do happen. I think it varies between couples, but if I argue with my bf of almost 3 years for more than a few days a week I start to get really weirded out by it. THankfully, it rarely happens, and most petty fights end in about 5 minutes with resolution (ie: we both decided we're being petty and go silent and apologize after a bit).

Every day would *drain* me. Just be wary, I'd hate to have to be in a relationship for the rest of my life where we got angry w/ eachother every single day, it'd just be so tiring!

 
Old 11-10-2005, 01:45 PM   #10
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zach1233
eaglesgirl37, I do respect your opinion however, people have been married with there first love for example my grandparents at age 15 got married had kids at 16 and have been happy and together for 40 years. Although i do know that "statistics" show that people who fall in love there first time wont last forever, i aim to prove it wrong. So should other people in the same vote. No Offence, but people who fall in love really dont want to hear that its not going to work out, and honestly that only puts questions in their head like "what if..." I understand that people fighting alot isnt a healthy topic, but the amount of happy times me and my girlfriend have had stand out way more then the stupid arguements. In my opinion, finding someone you would like to spend your life with at an earlier age and knowing that person feels the same is a good thing. Why would i need to go through countless relationships with people that would probably just break my heart over and over (not to mention the threat of diseases and such) When i could be with someone who makes me feel complete and makes me happy just knowing i always have someone there for me.

Overall other people in my situation should not hear that its not going to work out, That in itself can end the relationship. YES, i do realize theres other people in this world, but if you have found someone you cant find anything wrong about, and she/he fits your lifestyle and goals perfectly. Why let that go?
These are your grandparents. How can you know they were happy. In those days, it was a dishonor to the family to divorce. Today, women work, they have rights. They will not take it anymore. What you are saying is you would stay in an unhappy relationship to prove PEOPLE that they are wrong? How about your life, your happiness? I must say this with my experience. A couple that fights all the time is doomed.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 02:47 PM   #11
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

Hmm are there any deeper issues going on in the relationship or personally? Is either of you depressed or overly insecure? It takes two to tango so I doubt it's just one person but I know that when my fiance and I are fighting a lot it's usually due to one of us stressing hard core over something personally or I know we fought a lot when I was going through a depression and my self esteem was low. We came out of it though and get over our fights in about 5 minutes and they are few and far between. Before you give up on the relationship, I'd take a deeper look at what's really going on.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 02:55 PM   #12
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

If my choice was
to spend the rest of my entire life arguing, bickering & fighting
or
finding someone more compatible...
well, I think that the second choice would make more sense to me at least.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 03:32 PM   #13
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

My boyfriend and I are long distance also... We see eachother about once a month, for usually 4 or 5 days. For the first year things were PERFECT. We never fought about anything. Then the fighting started! We fought for about two weeks straight back in September. Then it passed. Until around Halloween, when we fought again for a few days. These weren't trivial little things - one was him going on what seemed like a date with another girl, the other was him ignoring me and making me feel insecure.

I thought these boughts of fighting were disasterous until a friend told me this: It's not how often you fight, but how well you fight. During all our fights we never once raised our voices with eachother. We never resorted to name calling or the like. We never hung up on eachother. We never ended a conversation with one of us (usually it was me!) crying. We never forgot to say I love you at the end of a call. We've had our share of fights recently, but I would have to say we fight pretty well. We handle it with maturity (we're only 21), and honesty.

So, all in all, I would have to say that our fighting has actually brought us closer. I now have a sense of security - he loves me enough to work through our problems, not just stick around when things are great, and we understand eachothers wants and needs better than ever before.

I'm not saying you should fight all the time, but, handled with maturity, I think fighting can actually be good for a relationship.

 
Old 11-10-2005, 03:36 PM   #14
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Re: How much fighting is too much fighting?

I thought this post was long gone..lol..

Umm...Yeah, to respond to Silver Lining's question. He is VERY insecure. He always tells me that he doesn't deserve me and blah blah blah. He thinks that I could do much better than him and everything. But I don't see how that would *start* fights?

Anyways, since that post, we actually took a break a couple of weeks ago. It only lasted like 4 days because he really just cannot see me for anymore than 1 day; He misses me like crazy and everything. But I think it did help us actually. And now whenever we fight, we kinda just stop everything and be silent. We don't go crazy.

Oh...To add...We don't call eachother names either. We fight *very* well. But I think that's only because we've been dating for 9 months? I think that if we've been dating for 2 or 3 years or something, the fighting would progress more wouldn't it?

Last edited by Divation; 11-10-2005 at 03:39 PM.

 
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