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Old 09-17-2005, 06:51 PM   #1
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Unhappy i just wanted sex he says..:(

im so upset i dont even know if i can type this. The other day my boyfriend asked me to meet up with him and see a movie. We've been together for almost 3 years...anyways, we couldnt find anything good to watch..and he turns around and says "i didnt wanna go watch a movie anyways..i mainly wanted to meet up coz of the after part"..i was like
i mean ok i love sex too, but this made me feel like crap. Me and him only see each other once a week..and we live a 25 minute drive from each other..tell me this isnt weird? We both have long classes etc so we both get home after 6pm...here i am making up excuses for him again, nice one. This comment really hurt my feelings and although im gonna talk to him about it, i dont know how to express myself. When he said it i said "thanks" sarcastically..and then he wouldnt let it go and kept explaining himself saying how i make him feel as if tho he is only in this relo for the sex"..and he even got mad because he thought i was mad. But i actually wasnt..it wasnt until i got home, SLEPT ON IT EVEN, that i felt anger towards it because i actually thought about it.
I know he isnt cheating on me, and i know he isnt in it for the sex.. but it makes me wonder why is he wasting his precious youth on someone that he indirectly expresses doesnt feel as strongly about as they do about him?
It hurts my feelings to know that he doesnt even FEEL the need or he cant find 10 minutes in his DAY to make a phone call and see how IM DOING?
Of course every time i talk to him about it, he starts calling and then it wares off which means that he doesnt really do it because he wants to but because he feels obligated to ..and i know i cant change this about him but it really hurts my feelings to know that i can find the time to call him, and i wonder about what he's up to..and he cant find the time to do the same. Its not so much the time, its the fact that he doesnt miss me or want me enough to do it..and nothing i can do to change that.
I just dont know what to do..i dont know why im always dreaming badly of him..he is always cheating on me in my dreams, or being an ***..and i wake up sad.
I remember at the start of our relo he use to wanna see me coz he missed cuddling..now that rarely happens.

 
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Old 09-17-2005, 07:20 PM   #2
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realguy HB User
Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

Maybe it"s time to find a guy who wants what you want in a relationship.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:31 AM   #3
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

I'm really confused here as to why you are so upset...personally I don't understand why his comment about being mostly interested in sex would offend you. I'd be tickled and happy if my boyfriend said something like this to me playfully as long as everything else was going great in the relationship. Then I read the rest of your post, and it sounds like the comment was such a spark that set you off thinking about all the things that have displeased you about your relationship. It sounds like while you were upset that he mentioned wanting sex, it's bothering you more that you feel like you care more and are putting more effort into the relationship than your BF is--is that accurate? I can certainly see why it would bother you if you feel this is true, especially if you are always the one who calls to check in on him and he only seems interested in sex and not in asking how you are doing otherwise. Anyway, this is a tough situation to evaluate without more information, but my impression is that you are at least somewhat overreacting to his comment about sex because you're angry and resentful about a lot of other things that displease you about your relationship. It just doesn't sound like you are happy or feel like he's as invested, enthusiastic, caring, and loving toward you as you are toward him...these are certainly valid concerns, but I think you need to face the things that upset you head on rather than using his sex comment as an excuse to be mad about everything that displeases you. It definitely sounds like you have complaints and issues that need to be fully and thoroughly addressed with your boyfriend...I would urge you to do some heartfelt thinking about what exactly is upsetting you, how you would like things to change within your relationship, and if you see the relationship pleasing you and satisfying you provided your boyfriend is willing to compromise as you wish. It usually helps me a lot to write down my thoughts and feelings when I'm pondering such issues...but the main thing is that I think you need to be honest with yourself about what are the significant, major issues here and what are just the minor symptomatic problems that set you off. To be honest, it sounds like you aren't very happy in this relationship and that your boyfriend is pretty frustrated trying and failing to please you...the fact that he says that you're always making him feel like he only cares about sex suggests to me like he has some serious concerns and complaints about the relationship just as you do. I really think you guys need to have a serious, candid, and open conversation about the problems you see as requiring redress within your relationship...I hope you are able to communicate honestly and productively and work things out. But the most important thing is that you be happy and fulfilled, whether or not that is possible within the confines of your current relationship or whether you ultimately decide that you'd be more content on your own or with another man who can return the concern and affection you don't feel that you're getting from your boyfriend. I wish you all the best of luck in coming to some sort of resolution about these issues and hope they don't continue to trouble and anger you for much longer...best wishes, take care, and good luck!

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:01 AM   #4
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

Eaglesgirl hit the nail on the head for me. I also thought you were overreacting to the comment regarding sex. It sounded as though he was being playful and expressing his desire for you rather than suggesting he's only interested in sex. Frankly, most relationships that are entirely based on sex do not last 3 years.

It definitely sounds like his comment was a catalyst for all the things you find dissatisfying about your relationship. Maybe you need to think long and hard about where this relationship is going, whether you're happy and where to go from there.

 
Old 09-18-2005, 07:22 AM   #5
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainy_daze
Eaglesgirl hit the nail on the head for me. I also thought you were overreacting to the comment regarding sex. It sounded as though he was being playful and expressing his desire for you rather than suggesting he's only interested in sex. Frankly, most relationships that are entirely based on sex do not last 3 years.

It definitely sounds like his comment was a catalyst for all the things you find dissatisfying about your relationship. Maybe you need to think long and hard about where this relationship is going, whether you're happy and where to go from there.
Thank you Rainy Daze, this is exactly what I was thinking too, only I wasn't able to express it so eloquently and concisely. SayMoo, please let us know what you think and how you are doing now that you've had a little more time to reflect on the situation...I hate to think of you so upset over this. Could you please clarify exactly what was causing you so much pain as you were typing your post? Was it the idea that your BF is only interested in sex or all the other concerns you mentioned later in your post? As for the former, I really don't think your BF meant anything negative or dismissive...it really sounds like he loves you and was just trying to verbally express his affection and desire for you, and as RD says, relationships based on sex don't last three years. But as for the rest of your concerns, I'm very sorry you are so upset, and I hope you are able to talk about your feelings with your BF and hopefully feel better about everything soon. I couldn't agree more with the last sentence of RD's post...I don't know if we have enough information about what you want and need from a partner and exactly what your BF gives you to try and answer that question for you, but you deserve to be happy, and if you don't feel like you're getting back as much love as you're putting into this relationship, that's important to recognize. Hopefully you will be feeling more positive about your relationship after you've slept on it...one way or another, we will be here to listen and support you, so please hang in there, take care, and keep us posted. Best wishes and take care...Stacy

 
Old 09-18-2005, 01:13 PM   #6
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

Some things are better left unsaid. He should not have said that. I think it was insensitive. But, if that is the ONLY thing about him that has you upset, I think you're overreacting. But on the other hand, it may have lit a bulb for you that it seemed to CONFIRM your suspicion that you care a lot more about him (more than just a convenience) than he does about you.
So, if it were me, I'd keep my options open. Look around some; realize that this is a big world with Lots of men who are Serious about women in a LONG TERM SENSE.
I have found that 9 times out of 10 a couple GETS MARRIED after a short time seeing one another. After YEARS go by I find that the man involved (usually) can Care about the woman but she isn't - quite - exactly - who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Because if she is? He'll want to snap her up fast before some other guy does!! (even though they always have plenty of excuses) yada yada....
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Susan Gene

 
Old 09-19-2005, 04:56 AM   #7
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

I think i may have over reacted about the sex thing too..thank you soo much for your replies..I havent talked to him yet...he sent me some nice smses over the last 2 days ..its as if though he senses that im unhappy again and is trying to make up for it..i dont know.
Thank you so much for your replies.. you were all spot on

 
Old 09-19-2005, 05:09 AM   #8
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

eaglesgirl37 - i was thinking about how he must not love me as much etc and how he hasnt seen me a whole week and wants sex. But i didnt think of it from the way you put it..he isnt sex obsessed and our relationship doesnt revolve around sex...i know he had done plenty of sweet things and i know he cares about me but sometimes little things like the fact that he doesnt call me as often as id like him to trigger me off.. but he is also very busy, the only thing he is putting before me is school , and rightfully so..its not like he tells me he cant meet up with me and then goes off and does other things....i dont know why the sex thing got to me?!..when we eventually did end up having sex that night, it was mainly about me anyway..(him concentrating on pleasing me rather then himself)
Thank you Eaglesgirl + rainy

 
Old 09-19-2005, 05:16 AM   #9
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

I have found that 9 times out of 10 a couple GETS MARRIED after a short time seeing one another. After YEARS go by I find that the man involved (usually) can Care about the woman but she isn't - quite - exactly - who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Because if she is? He'll want to snap her up fast before some other guy does!! (even though they always have plenty of excuses) yada yada...."


I didnt understand this..Im only 20, i dont plan on getting married until im 30 :P
and neither does he..we have talked about it..

I once gave him the option , at the start of this year actually, to break up with me and go enjoy other women (pretty much get layed) and that i wouldnt hate him and infact we'd still be friends and possibly even get back together later on(because we've been together for SUCH a long time..if he felt like he was missing out id rather have him go check it out then keep on thinking he's missing out)..and he didnt take my offer..he told me that he didnt feel like he was missing out on anything because im the only one he wants.


Ive been thinking some more and he can sometimes express himself very poorly..he is very bluntly honest about his feelings and opinions so maybe thats why the sex comment sounded so...bad?

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:16 AM   #10
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

i wouldnt fret over it too much. as you already know. My boyfriend makes comments like this to me from time to time, and it makes me feel uncomfortable (i dont like talking about sex and other intimate issues I assume if they will happen they are going to and that it shouldnt be planned)

So whenever he mentions it i kinda look at him like "are you joking? you are planning our next encounter?" Id rather it be out of the blue or something.

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:20 AM   #11
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

WHAT AN @$$.


Get rid of him!

 
Old 09-20-2005, 06:40 AM   #12
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

S76--are you serious or kidding? If you're not joking, I think that's a little harsh...I know I tend to be a lot more open and forward about sex than many other people, but I still don't see anything wrong with a man expressing his sexual desire for his long-term girlfriend.

 
Old 09-21-2005, 04:58 AM   #13
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

eaglesgirl37 - he has been texting me every day of this week...just like "hey how are you" etc..sweet things too..like he'd tell me how much he loves me etc......... but he hasnt picked up the phone to call......
Why is he so afraid of the phone/!!??
He came online tonight... and stayed on and im thinking ok you have the time to go online and read random stuff and you dont have the time to call me (he sent me text messages). I went offline..i just said bye..(usually i say i love you blah blah)..and then i went on "*** block check" and checked and it showed him as online..(2 hours later mind you) and then i decided what the hell i'll go back on......and i went online and AS SOON as i logged on he logged off.
I was like........***?
So i sent him a message saying "you werent quick enough ". And he replied "i was leaving anyway".
I didnt reply at all to that.

Its like i feel this frustration building up inside of me..i dont know why.....i dont know if im over reacting.. i just..I DONT get why its so "HARD" for him to make a phone call..
I feel like telling him he cant call me no more..that way at least i wont expect it =(
I know i sound silly but i just feel very odd about our relationship.
Its been like this always..on and off of course (with the phone calling thing) I dont see why its so hard for him or why he doesnt want to..i dont want him to do it just to please me.....but i want him to want to call me. I know he loves me but i dont understand what the hell is his problem.
The simple thing would be to talk to him..but if i do that, i know he'll probably call because he'll feel "obligated to"
I dont want that.
=(

 
Old 09-21-2005, 05:03 AM   #14
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

olala im gonna get sad again.
I know he loves me, but i dont know if he loves me as much as i love him..i know we express our emotions differently.. he is more phyiscal (more cuddley not sex wise even sex wise), where as im more verbal. I like being called, i like text messages, i like seeing him more frequently. =(

 
Old 09-21-2005, 06:35 AM   #15
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Re: i just wanted sex he says..:(

Does he know that you want him to call as opposed to text messaging you or chatting with you online? A lot of times it seems like women get upset and frustrated with men for not doing what they want when that would require reading their minds...so even though you might wish he could just sense how to please you, unfortunately it rarely works that way. So if you want him to do something, I really think you should be upfront about it, as wouldn't that be better than being unhappy wondering why he doesn't do it? It sounds like you're feeling really upset and stressed over this, which I hate to see, especially if all that pain could be avoided by being a little more blunt with him about what you need and want from him. Men can be dense and they definitely can't read our minds, so please don't be disappointed with him for something he doesn't do if he doesn't know how important it is to you. I wish I knew how to make you feel better...to me, knowing very little about the situation, it seems like your BF definitely cares for you, but I don't know if he loves you the way you need him to or as much as you love him. Only you can know that...all I can say is that you'll be happiest if you be honest and upfront with him about what you need, and if he still doesn't give it to you, then it might be time to reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you. I think you need to give this some serious thought, talk to your BF, and then see how you feel about the future...I wish you all the best!

 
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