I recently parted ways with my child's father. We just had different priorities and no matter how much effort I put in, it was not going to change that we were not anywhere near the top of his list of priorities. I have been going to therapy for the past few months, primarily because I did not want to do anything parenting wise that was going to put my daughter in therapy years down the road. I have learned to deal with troubles from my past which were influencing the way I was contributing to my relationship with the ex. However, I also realized that I did not deserve to be treated like crap. And HIS problems were HIS problems/issues to fix not mine. I parted ways with him in a completely civil manner, my problem now is he still calls and asks where I have been, what am I doing, who have I been talking too. Am I wrong, or is it not any of his business. The major problem when we were dating was my ex still called from time to time and he would be all up in arms about it. Which I find hypicritical, since he has ex's calling him on a regular basis and I chose to trust he wasn't going to do anything detrimental to us. I do NOT understand why he feels the need to be in my business...and when I tell him it is not any of his business, he goes on a rampage of the same TIRED STUPID arguement we have had for almost 2 years now. Since I was the one in therapy, I am pretty sure I am not the one who is wrong. If he doesn't want me, doesn't love me...why doesn't he just leave me alone?
Tried that...problem is we have a child together which he has visitation, so we are at minimum going to see each other every other weekend. The reason I got out of the relationship is because I had had ENOUGH of rehashing the same crap over and over again. AND for some reason he seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to continue.
Make it clear to him that it is NOT acceptable and you wont tolerate it.
I understand that you both have a child but you need to tell him that there is a boundary between the two of you and he cant cross that line. There's limitation to things like that and he needs to respect you for it.
It seems to me that he can't really carry on with those silly rants if you absolutely refuse to listen to them, even if that means hanging up on him or walking out on him. Unless he's immature and selfish enough to carry on in front of your child, you should be able to avoid him when he starts in on one of his dumb diatribes. Hopefully once he sees that you really mean business and will not under any circumstances listen to his nonsense, he'll eventually realize he's not getting anywhere and give up. Basically I think you need to start being absolutely brutal about denying him any sort of audience, because it's clear that as long as he can possibly get you to listen to that tired old crap, he'll keep raving about it whenever he gets the chance. I hope that helps a little...I really think you need to start being as firm and rude as necessary until he sees that he doesn't have a choice and that you absolutely will not listen to anymore of the same old nonsense. I've had exes who try to rant and rave at me and I've always dealt with it by telling them firmly that they no longer have any right to talk to me like that or have any say about what I do, then if they keep it up, I hang up on them over and over until they get the message. He's not going to keep this up unless you give him an audience, and it seems like you can avoid that except when you have to see him to deal with custody issues.
Last edited by eaglesgirl37; 09-18-2005 at 01:19 PM.
Thanks for the advice...I am trying to end the conversation when it starts to take the turn for the worse. I know, I know, I can't change how he treats me BUT I can change how I react to him. I guess sometimes I forget I don't have to listen to it, especially now!!
Do you have court ordered visitation? If so, go back and ask for a "no contact order" to be added on. This way your ex will only be allowed to contact you for purposes conected to your child ONLY. If you haven't taken this legal step yet, maybe it is time to do so. Any man who goes into a rampage needs some sort of anger management and the court needs to be made aware of it.
"Rampage" is too strong of a word (should have used diatribe)....He has a BAD habit of beating an already dead horse, if you catch my drift. NO, we do not have a court order for visitation OR child support. We have in theory worked that out ourselves. Unfortunately, he is famous for not sticking to either as orginally decided.
When I ended a previous relationship with a guy, he would always call up or stop by so we could "clear the air". This consisted of the same old topics over and over again. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to jump into another relationship right away or that I wasn't going to sleep around, ect. He would want to reharsh the past and he even went as far to tell me I couldn't attend a certain college because he was planning to attend that same college.
Anyway, I did end up getting into another relationship and once the new beau started coming around my ex stopped visiting and calling me as much. Finally he just dissapeared and I haven't heard from him since.
It wasn't the fact that I had a new man in my life that got rid of the ex. But because I had someone new in my life I wasn't willing to sit around and rehash old arguments. I wanted to put my energy towards this new relationship and wasn't going to waste it on arguing about the past.
Obviously, you need to maintain a relationship with your ex because of the child you have together. So you cannot cut him out completely. Next time he calls you up or starts in on inappropriate topics, calmy explain to him that you're not going to discuss these things with him and that if he doesn't want you hanging up or shutting him out, he will need to keep conversations with you short, simple and respectful.
Do not get sucked into arguments with him. Give him absolute silence and just continue to tell him you're not discussing it.
I need to work REALLY hard on rainydaze advice. Last night (his weekend with the kiddo), he dropped her off and not so smart me decided I was feeling sad and lonely so I asked him to stay. Great idea!!! Now I feel worse this morning because I am well aware that didn't cure anything. WEAK, WEAK, WEAK!!!! Urg! And I wonder why he keeps trying to keeps tabs on me, that would be because I am stupid enough to feed his arguement.
Please don't be so hard on yourself...it's incredibly difficult to cope with losing someone you loved so deeply for so long, and you are doing the best you can. It's easier if you can cut off all contact with them and both accept that it is over, but obviously that's a lot trickier in your case because you have to see him and deal with him when it comes to your child. So the most important thing for you to do now is to be a good friend to yourself, stop beating yourself up, and be civil but still make it clear that it is completely over with your ex and he has no right to monitor or regulate what you do now. I really think it's all about whether or not you allow him to speak to you like this and give him an audience...if you put your foot down and flat out refuse to listen when he talks to you about anything but your child, he will have no choice but to stop rehashing the same old arguments, overstepping his bounds, and making you feel unhappy and frustrated. So go easy on yourself, but also try to be as strong as you can be when it comes to refusing to allow him to go on such rants anymore. He can't get away with it unless you are willing to listen, and for the sake of your child, you guys need to have a civil, polite, but detached relationship without letting the same tired arguments and personal baggage you have interfere. I wish you the best of luck in making it clear how you feel and that you will no longer tolerate his diatribes and posssessive, clingy behavior...I know it must be tough, but please be easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up if you have setbacks. The most important thing is to be civil for your child's sake and to be strong and move on with your life for your own sake. Good luck, best wishes, and please take care of yourself and your baby .