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Old 09-19-2005, 06:35 PM   #1
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MaleVictim HB User
Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

I would sincerely like to ask the women on these boards what it is that makes them happy in a relationship. I mean "deep down" in their hearts. What can a man do that will touch your inner being and make you truly happy? I would hope it's not having a lot of money or material things. I'm hoping for more personal things that can't be bought. When I look back at my 20 year marriage, I know I wasn't 100% perfect (who is), but I did try hard to do things that made my wife's life easier and did things to make her happy, or so I thought. A female's perspective on this would really enlightening me and enable me to be a better partner in my next relationship, and probably other men on this board as well. I would love to hear from you...short responses...long responses...or whatever you want to say. You might even help out your fellow sisters on this board if we take your suggestions!

Last edited by MaleVictim; 09-19-2005 at 06:36 PM. Reason: mispelled word

 
Old 09-19-2005, 06:55 PM   #2
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Feeling really wanted. Being respected is vital. I don't know about anyone else, but I always feel the happiest when admiration is felt. He thinks I am smart, have great things to say, likes my ideas, the way I do things, and really admires who I am. I am a bit of an affirmation junky that way. BUT--That is the way I love someone as well, so that's probably just my "love language."

I think the key is HOW u loveomeone is the way you want to be loved in return.At least it is for me. I am very giving--I want someone giving. I am very physical--I want someone who expresses himself in a physical way to me. I am very affirming--if I see something I like--I will tell you--I have always liked that in return.

Finding someone who speaks your "love language" is really key. My H and I spoke very different languages and I always felt rejected by him. His was service oriented--if he got a paycheck, he loved me. If he took out the trash--he was telling me he loved me. I am not a service person--I am a physical touch and affirmation person, so we didn't feel adaquately loved. There is abook on this-I think its called the five love languages. Finding out which one your partner speaks should go a long way if this theory holdstrue, and I beleive it does--for me anyway.

 
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Old 09-19-2005, 07:20 PM   #3
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volcomrxy21 HB User
Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

i agree with laurie... feeling 'wanted' and being respected is important.
Being treated as if you really mean a lot to your significant other.... even coming before his buddies when having to make a choice.....

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:00 PM   #4
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

I think what happened in your relationship could be: you loved too much!This can happen to anyone. There has to be an even exhange of power in a relationship for it to succeed. If one person gives more than the other, both parties suffer. The key is to give of yourself in increments...not all the time and not every time...and, most importantly, not when your partner expects it.

Being selfish is not being "selfish"...it's called taking care of yourself. Take care of yourself first, love yourself first, and then give of yourself only when it is safe to do so. Good luck!

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:17 PM   #5
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Some very interesting responses so far, ladies. Thank you! I have heard about "love language", but am not familiar with the meaning as written in the book described above. Perhaps I need to read it. so far, we have the following:

Respect...
Feeling wanted...
Admiration...
Love language...
Loving too much...

Anyone else care to expand upon what they are looking for in a relationship to be happy? All answers are welcome!

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:22 PM   #6
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Maybe you should expand on what YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, not so much what she is looking for.

 
Old 09-19-2005, 08:41 PM   #7
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Thank you for your kinds words in my earlier post. It meant a lot to me. Everyone on this board is very kind. We are all here because we need an anonymous person to pour our hearts to.

What makes me happy in a relationship? I have not had as much experience as you have had. I am 26. In the few years that I have been dating, I have found few people who touch a special part of my heart. My very first relationship was when I was 19. I didn't love him from the beginning. I learned to love him because he cared so much about me. It was the little things he did for me. That relationship ended rather badly about five years ago.

I've done quite a bit of dating in the last few years since the breakup. I've dated several men at once. I've dated hot guys, rich guys, educated guys, poor guys, kind guys, marginally attractive guys...when it all boils down it is all about chemistry and attraction. It is about who makes you feel good about yourself at the end of the day. People are made to compliment and complete each other. Trust, friendship, understanding...they are all important.

Like I said in my other post, after the breakup with my last boyfriend, I have always kept men around me but far enough so that they could not hurt me. When I met Wesley, everything seems to have happened so quickly. He sang to me. I read the words to the songs he wrote and I felt like I needed to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay...I will make sure everything is okay for him. He touched a part of me and made me want to open up and trust another person. I know he struggles with ADHD. He tries so hard to be a good honest person. He wasn't perfect.

Money makes life easier but it cannot make you happy. I grew up in southern california where everyone puts on a facade of beauty and wealth. I have the most loving asian parents who gave me everything. I thought money and material things could make me happy. As my graduation present they let me pick out a brand new Mercedes. All my friends were materialistic. I have a friend who was appauled that her sister would date a guy who drove a honda civic.

What is more important than money, looks, education, six-figure salaries, etc...is the connection you have with another human being. someone i call my lump. i look at the guy and think...will he make a good lump in bed? someone who will instinctively pull me close in the middle of the night and hold me so tightly as if he were afraid that he would lose me if he were to let go. someone who will get up in the middle of the night to adjust the covers because he knows that i tend to get cold at night. someone who remembers to bring me a glass of water and leave it on the nightstand. someone who will make time during his busy day to call me to tell me that his misses me. someone who satisfies me and feels that i satisfy him. someone who makes me want to be a better person. someone who holds my hand and whispers in my ear that everything will be okay as i am nervously trying to make a good impression with his brother. someone who will tell me that i am wrong when i am wrong. someone who will forgive me when i cry and apologize for being irrational. someone who makes me feel sexy and appreciates the sexy pictures i send him. someone who makes the world stand still when he kisses me.

it is not one particular thing that makes me happy in a relationship. it is a combination of the things that make me ecstatically happy and overwhelmingly sad. when you love a person, they can bring extreme emotions that spans the spectrum.

i hope this doesn't confuse you even more. relationships are complicated and hard to define.

 
Old 09-19-2005, 09:00 PM   #8
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

In reply to "greeneyes", I do know what I'm looking for. The reason I posted the question was to solicit thoughts specifically from women so that I could learn from their responses. People are all so different yet similar in certain ways. If I can glean a better understanding of what women need in a relationship (generally speaking), then I can learn from this process and hopefully have a better relationship (no guarantees of course).

I think the response from "cremebrulee" was rather insightful and honest. It is truly facinating to hear what you ladies have to say. I feel that I'm already learning, and that my fellow brothers out in cyberworld can learn a thing or two from these posts. Perhaps if we put into practice the feelings of others, we may all be able to improve upon or find better relationships. This can only be a good thing in the end. Keep your responses coming!

 
Old 09-19-2005, 11:35 PM   #9
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

I liked CremeBrulee's response a lot too, and just want to say that I've been following her posts and it's clear to me that she is a special and loving person who deserves a LOT better than her ex gave her...CB, I hope you are feeling better soon and that it is not long before a man comes along to love you just as you described, and maybe even comes up with his own ideas as to how to make you feel treasured and taken great care of!

I feel very fortunate to have had several great love affairs already in my life and to have been loved by a number of really wonderful, caring men who showed me a lot about what it means to love and give of yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally. The things that made me most happy were definitely affection, both physical and emotional. Physical affection means everything from wonderful, passionate, exciting sex to gentle, very unselfish, giving love-making to holding me all night to always knowing just when I need a hug and kiss to spending time just curled up together snuggling when I'm feeling down or bored or sick. Emotional affection also makes me extremely happy and gratified, and can be expressed in an even greater variety of ways, at least as I've experienced it, than physical affection. Some of the ways my past loves have made me feel special through emotional affection include writing me letters, anything from long love letters to little notes every morning reminding me how much they care and love me...that's actually a big one, I can remember feeling indescribably happy seeing such notes. My last boyfriend was an amazing writer who made sure to leave me a sweet note and drawing each morning and lots of other times as well...I have a huge bag full of letters from him that I still can't bring myself to look through, but I do remember exactly how content, blissful, and cherished it made me feel to see his words every day.

It's also important to me to feel emotional affection through words...not that I need a boyfriend to constantly reassure me that he loves me and compliment me, but I do get a lot of pleasure out of verbal affection of that kind, comments about why he loves me, what he treasures in me, what things I do that he appreciates and admires, how strongly he feels, what moments feel special to him, what memories he'll never forget, etc. I think all women love hearing how much and in what ways the man she loves adores her in return, so emotional affection is key...this can also be expressed through little gestures that a guy does to make a woman feel special and show her that he cares enough to want to make her life easier and/or happier. None of this takes money, it's more about being thoughtful and affectionate in small little ways like cards or little gifts that make you think of her. The things that have made me happiest weren't the really expensive gifts I got from men like clothes or jewelry but instead the most heartfelt letters they've written, some books they bought me, and cute little inexpensive gifts involving private jokes or special nicknames that I still treasure to this day.

I think what makes a woman happiest in a relationship is feeling safe, loved, and special by the man she loves, and to know how much he cares, how much he appreciates her and enjoys their time together, and also to feel like he really knows and understands who she is deep down. That kind of trust, closeness, and honesty has made me incredibly happy in the past, almost as happy as the most amazing sex I've ever experienced . I think everyone has a different answer to this question, but I for one am really happy you posed it, because it's brought back a lot of wonderful, cherished memories for me...I think I'll save this post to refer to when I feel down or lucky in love, because thinking back, I've actually been incredibly fortunate not just not to have experiences with men who have mistreated me or deceived me, but also to have had numerous experiences with men who weren't afraid to fall deeply in love with me and to show me every day, in a million little thoughtful ways, just how much they cared. So yeah, I really think it makes a woman happiest just to feel loved and secure within a stable, contented relationship. I'm sorry your wife didn't appreciate all the love you showed her, but I guarantee that there are MANY women out there who would.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 12:18 AM   #10
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Cindy11 HB User
Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

I agree with what the other ladies said and I also very much like a ture gentleman. A man who opens the door for me, pulls out my chair in the restaurant and when I get up to go to the ladies room he gets up. Ordering first at restaurants. Doing this throughout the relationship not just the beginning.

One who listens to me vent. I don't expect him to fix it but listening is the key.

Being sensitive to my needs and wants even though at times, they might be outrageous but at least being their for me.

Don't take me for granted .. ie, the things I do around the house, etc. Appreciate the little things I do as well.

Giving me a card once in a while. Buying flowers and putting in the vase ready for me to see them when I come home.

I can go on and on ... but I hope this helps. Believe me you don't need money to do all the above. You just have to respect and appreciate who you are with and it will all fall into place.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 02:18 AM   #11
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Firstly, assuming that I am really attracted to the guy, what really matters in a relationship is the sense that the guy WANTS to be part of a relationship, that he sees it more than just sex and making out, that he is an honorable guy who really respects me and himself and is not looking to keep stringing me along while having sex with other girls, who loves to spend time with me, who loves to be fun and spontaneous and laugh at stupid stuff and stupid movies, and who sometimes can be serious and pontificate on the meaning of life or talk about his expectations for life etc.

The money/career/education part, I could care LESS!!

Kindess, fun, lightheartedness, honesty, committment - thats what its ALL about.

ps I want to add, the willingness to be PART of the relationship and shoulder 1/2 the burden (ie household stuff) My ex had all the above qualities but was so incapable of taking care of himself that it just ruined the relationship for me. Otherwise, we were a wonderful match.

pps also, I think theres a huge difference between long and short term needs - which often are contradictory. Short term needs are to spend lots of time together, but long term needs are to spend time apart to develop outside of the relationship. etc.

Last edited by veggie girl; 09-20-2005 at 02:24 AM.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 05:32 AM   #12
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

Again, some excellent posts from the ladies on what makes them happy in a relationship! Men, wake up and take note of what the ladies are saying...this may help you in your current or new relationships. To sum up the responses, so far, we have the following (I took some editorial liberties to abbreviate):

Respect...
Feeling wanted...
Admiration...
Love language...
Loving too much...
The man "wanting" to be in the relationship
Have only one woman
Man is honorable
Ability to be spantaneous
Ability to laugh
Can be serious when needed to be
Be a 50 - 50 partner with responsibilities
Spend time together
Can also spend time apart
Be a true gentleman...hold doors / chairs
Honesty
Fun
Committment
Don't take the woman for granted
Be sensitive
Buy little gifts like cards & flowers sometimes
Affection, both physical and emotional
Passionate, exciting sex to gentle, very unselfish, giving love-making
Holding her all night
Always knowing just she needs a hug and kiss
Spending time curled up snuggling when she's feeling down or bored or sick
Feeling safe
Feeling loved
Doing considerate things

Wow...quite an impressive list so far! Keep em' comin' ladies. I know I'm getting an education!

 
Old 09-20-2005, 06:43 AM   #13
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eaglesgirl37 HB User
Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

MV, thanks again for starting this thread. I've found all the responses to be really interesting and thought-provoking, and I am really touched by your story as well as your genuine concern for pleasing women and making them feel cherished and adored. Whether you end up reconciling with your wife or with another woman, I am sure she will feel extremely special and lucky to have a thoughtful, sweet man like you love her deeply.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 08:46 AM   #14
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

i love the people on this board. it is really helping me get through this.

MV, one thing that I have managed to learn...do not waste time on people who do not believe you are worth their time. you can give and give and give until you have nothing left to give but if you do not take anything for yourself in return, you can never truly be happy. no one is really too busy if they really want to be with you. i know that in college, between work, writing papers, and studying for finals, i still managed to sneak a few hours to be with someone i care about. if the other half of the relationship does not put in the same effort, it will not work. love can only do so much.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 11:08 AM   #15
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Re: Responses Needed: What Makes You Happy In A Relationship?

To keep this thread going, I've added two or three more things the ladies have provided. To sum up the responses, so far, we have the following:

Respect...
Feeling wanted...
Admiration...
Love language...
Loving too much...
The man "wanting" to be in the relationship
Have only one woman
Man is honorable
Ability to be spantaneous
Ability to laugh
Can be serious when needed to be
Be a 50 - 50 partner with responsibilities
Spend time together
Can also spend time apart
Be a true gentleman...hold doors / chairs
Honesty
Fun
Committment
Don't take the woman for granted
Be sensitive
Buy little gifts like cards & flowers sometimes
Affection, both physical and emotional
Passionate, exciting sex to gentle, very unselfish, giving love-making
Holding her all night
Always knowing just she needs a hug and kiss
Spending time curled up snuggling when she's feeling down or bored or sick
Feeling safe
Feeling loved
Doing considerate things
To feel cherished and adored
Feel they are worth the time a man gives them
Put in an equal effort to the relationship

To response to "Eaglesgirl37"...thank you for your kind words! I appreciate them very much. Although I will never reconcile with my wife after her three affairs, I do have a lot of love to give and feel I still have the capacity to treat my mate like a woman "should" and "wants" to be treated per the above responses.

To "Cremebrulee"...I agree with your post in all respects. I find a certain degree of enjoyment and comfort with the posts I've written and read. Yes, I know what you mean about giving and not getting back what I needed. I found it easier at the time to give in and learn to accept whatever I got. What a mistake. Nobody should ever feel like they must settle for less if they're not in a truly loving relationship just so they're not alone or for whatever reason. I'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship again. Now that I'm older and wiser, I will slow down and make better choices. There's an old saying..."Great captains are not made by sailing calm seas". I suspect that great relationships are similar in that they can't happen by hiding at home and being afraid to open your heart to someone. I'm willing to risk the pain to find that great love. God willing, maybe it will happen someday for all of us!

 
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