Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Yes the passage did help me. Thank you for sharing it with me. I would love
to open my doors to Rachel, and show her what a loving, caring family is
like. I have only met her a few times and she really seemed like a very nice
girl. Although Kelly, has known her for two years. They seemed to have only
grown real close since graduation for about a year now. I think you are so
right about them helping each other. I think because Rachel, has had it ruff
and Kelly has had it ruff both for different reasons but, yet still ruff. It has
a special bond between the two and they feel comfortable and trust one
another.
Maybe, Kelly felt if she was there it would help Rachel, out with her situation
at home and knew how worried me and her father would be. So that is
why she left in the way she did. I never really thought about it before but,
maybe it will help Rachel's parents act in a better behavior. Can only hope.
I know Rachel, has a good heart. I was in a situation a few months back
were my car was in the shop and my husband was working in another city.
My dog had swallowed a pop cycle stick and the vet said it was urgent she
get rushed in to get it out. This was early in the a.m. Kelly, called Rachel,
who was sleeping and she came all the way across town { 30 minute drive}
to pick us up and go to the vets and waited there with us for the few hours
and took us back home. Then she called several times that night to check
on Destiny { my saint bernard }. I thought that was very sweet and kind of
her. So, I do approve very much of the friendship and would be more than
happy to welcome her into my home.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Yes, Baylee...the more you share the more I see something good coming out of all of this. I am BIG on seeing a purpose to everything in life....we may question it but with the bad something good always comes of it...though at any given time we are unable to see it.
I look back on all the bad things that have happened in my life, and as I do, I see all the good that came out of them. At the time I was a basketcase and questioning why me, and where did I go wrong, and why do I deserve this when all I do is good....and you know what......I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Because with each bad thing that has happened I have learned something valuable that has strengthened me as a person, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend and as a Christian.
So, although this time seems so very painful, SOMETHING good is bound to come out of it. Your daughter is a young woman now who will make her share of mistakes, feel her share of pain and see the good in her life too. It's just a matter of time. To deny her the opportunity would be like putting her in a plastic container with very little air. You are setting her free where she has lots of air to breathe and trusting that all that you have instilled in her will finally come into play. I am there too....not a fun place to be, but we will finally be seeing the rewards of all our efforts!!! What greater reward for a marksman than to see his arrow hit the bullseye
Hang in there....there's alot ahead but we will make it through
~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-29-2005 at 08:04 AM.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Goody, I am glad that I have someone to share this journey with who
really understands. Not that we want to be here on this journey but, it
is nice sharing with someone who understands. I also believe in all the bad
if you look hard enough you will find something good. When Kelly, first left
all I could see was the bad and negatives to her move. I am now starting
to see some good and positives about her moving. I just wish so much she
was in a safer area and with more stable adult figures. But, the moving itself
will help her grow and learn and be more independent. She really needed
some independence. Being at home must of felt like living in a bubble in her
eyes. Like I said before we { family } were her only life. Everything she did
before meeting Rachel, was with us or alone. It had to be sad for her and
make her feel co-dependent on all of us. Now she can feel free and
independent and have a life that is not always revolving around family.
Family is the most important but, having friends and a life besides just family
is important as well. Maybe when Kelly, does find a job then between her and
Rachel, they can get a place together in a better area. I know me and my
husband would be more than willing to help them out. Maybe, if she e-mails
me back I can run this by her. Getting them out of that area would be a
huge relief. Then I see only good in her decision to try making it on her own.
I do hope she has better luck in finding a job. It seems so un-fair that people
are un-willing without knowing her to even give her a chance to prove herself
I will keep you updated.
Baylee
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baylee Bianca
Goody, I am glad that I have someone to share this journey with who really understands. Not that we want to be here on this journey but, it is nice sharing with someone who understands.
It is always easier making a journey with somebody else on the road...at least if one of us trips there's another to help get you back up on your feet again I am not at the end of the journey yet and since you have some older kids I may find myself needing you to pick me up once I find myself on the ground So....be ready, I may be asking your advice before too long
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baylee Bianca
I also believe in all the bad if you look hard enough you will find something good. When Kelly, first left all I could see was the bad and negatives to her move. I am now starting to see some good and positives about her moving....... the moving itself
will help her grow and learn and be more independent. She really needed
some independence. Being at home must of felt like living in a bubble in her
eyes.
Yes...there are good aspects to this and you will understand it better as time goes by. That's why leaving the lines of communication is soooo important...that way you will be able to evaluate her safety and be atune to any concerns that may occur. Remember to offer advice when it is asked of you rather than when she doesn't. This way you will be seen more as a mentor and she will be able to feel less intimidated in coming to you in her time of need. Personally I am finding this to be the most difficult part of the entire process but I AM getting much better at it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baylee Bianca
Maybe when Kelly, does find a job then between her and Rachel, they can get a place together in a better area. I know me and my
husband would be more than willing to help them out. Maybe, if she e-mails
me back I can run this by her. Getting them out of that area would be a
huge relief. Then I see only good in her decision to try making it on her own.
What a wonderful idea!!! See....you are already seeing the good in the situation...amazing how when we are caught up in the emotions of it all that we find it hard to see but when the emotions begin to settle we can see so much more clearly In offering this option it may motivate the girls to go out and find jobs and give them something to look forward to as well.
Is Kelly in college??? What type of skills does she have??? And Rachel?? It might be best if they find somewhere to work that they can commute to together in order to share the expenses.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers especially Kelly and that she will find an employer that is able to look past her birthmark and see a hardworker who will benefit his/her business.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-29-2005 at 11:17 AM.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Goody, Great news this morning. Kelly, sent me a e-mail.
It was short but, very comforting. She said that she loved me and this was
something she really needed to do and that she was happy. She said that
she has put in alot of job applications and is hoping to hear back from one
of them. She also sent her sister Katie, a e-mail yesterday saying when she
gets a job that she would really like to take her out to eat and a movie. I
thought that was very sweet.
I guess my only real concern now is the dangers of were she is living. I
would not go in that neighbor hood in the daytime let alone even
consider living there. I just have to trust in her now and pray for her
safety. She seems happy being there and I dont think there is anything I
could say right now to change her mind.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Wow..Baylee...that's GREAT news I know that hearing from Kelly was just what you needed!!! And she does LOVE you.....especially because she has a mom who loves her enough to let go!!
I will be scarce over the weekend...we are leaving to see my 17 year old daughter who is residing in DE with my brother...long story but I too had to do my share of letting go in order for her to spread her wings and follow her dreams. Holding her back would only be for my benefit and as time goes on I am rewarded with the privielege of seeing all my hard work and efforts come into play....what a great reward that is for a mother.
So....you have a great weekend and say a prayer that the angels keep Kelly safe and know that they will because you are a great mom.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Baylee ~ just checking in to see how things are going with Kelly. have you received any more emails??? I am sorry it took so long to check back in with you....the weekend was a busy one and have been busy settling back in since we got back.
Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you & hping things are going well with your family. Also....has Kelly found a job yet???
Looking forward to an update.....(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Goody, Sorry it has took me so long to reply. I just returned home
from a weeks visit with my sister in Vegas. We had a really great time and
it helped me a great deal to have a vacation. Kelly, has continued to send
me e-mails. She stopped by to visit Kevin & Katie when I was in Vegas.
They said she seemed happy. She still has not found a job and I continue
to wonder how Rachel's family will keep supporting Kelly, yet would not do
the same for Rachel. I also continue to worry but, have been
very supportive and pray everyday. How are things going with you ?
Hope all is well with you and your daughter.
Baylee
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Hi, Baylee I was just thinking about you yesterday and here you pop in with a long awaited update!!! I am glad that you spent some time with your sister.....it came at a perfect time. I am sure that it gave you a much better perspective on things.
I bet you were glad to hear from your son & daughter that Kelly seems happy. That's all us mom's want for our kids...for them to be happy. When they're happy we're happy, right??
I know that you are still concerned about Kelly needing a job....I am sure that there is really no real expense to Kelly's staying with Rachel....they share the food and chores and improvise alot. Perhaps they are doing some babysitting and such to get some extra money. What do Kelly's emails say aabout this??? You may want to do some things for the girls once in a while such as drop off a meal or have Kelly pick one up enough for the whole family. Mail some care packages with shampoo and toiletries that you know she uses. Send a gas card to help pay for gas....those sort of things. That is what I do with my daughter....and she really appreciates it.
As far as my daughter Kaitlin, she is doing sooo good. She is styaing with my brother (her godfather) and his family because she really wants to get into the University of DE. She went to work for them over the summer as a mother's helper and had been doing college searches. She absolutlely loves UOD and her chances of getting in from NY are not as good because it is a highly competetive college. Her grades are honor roll but there are soooo many Honor students in our school that she sort of get's lost in the shuffle. Over the summer when she visited UOD and spoke to admissions as well as a few friends who she worked with in a restaurant who actually go to UOD, she determined that her chances of getting in would be so much higher applying from instate than out of state. She asked my husband & I if she could finish up her Senior year of High School in DE and live with my brother & his family. She told us that she considered it to be a year of sacrifice for what she saw as her entire future. How could we argue with that??? And from our visiting the college and asking around we did find that the UOD takes over 60% from instate & the rest from out of state and that her chances of getting in would definitely be higher from instate. If she didn't get in from NY she would always have regrets. She wants to be there and we made the ultimate sacrifice as parents and allowed her to move in with my brother.
Anyway....Kaitlin is thriving and doing even better than she did in school than she did in NY, which we are so astounded by!!! Her lowest grade so far is a 96!!! She has a strong academic schedule.....7 core courses and she is doing unbelievably well!!! Everytime I think that we may have made the wrong choice there is always a sign for me that we didn't. The final sign will come in December when we see whether UOD accepts her or not. I really miss her but have to say that we have grown even closer. She flys home for the first time in 2 weeks adn we just saw her 2 weeks ago for the Open House at UOD for a nice weekend together.
Yes, Baylee....whe we see them happy and thriving we know that everything is okay!!!
Hope you have a great weekend and thanks for the update!!
((((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-14-2005 at 07:52 AM.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Goody, Wow Kaitlin, is doing great. I know how proud you and dad
must be. She is just doing so fantastic in school that is so great.
Kelly, called me on Friday night. Her and Rachel both got jobs at the mall.
They are working in a little store that sells boxers & ties. It seems to pay
decent but, they were told its only seasonal and after x-mas they would
no longer be needed. That gives them time and I am just so happy she found
a job and more important Kelly, is very happy about it.
Kelly, also went to visit her grandma. So it seems she may be home sick abit
and coming around. I have not seen her in so long that I am hoping she
stops by to visit me.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
I am a daughter and I was very nasty to my mom when I was a teenager, she loves me unconditionally and has done so much for me, I had to learn on my own that living at home was awesome, but no that wasn't good enough, I had to do it myself. I moved out with only my car and a few pieces of clothes, and no money. I moved in with some people who were all into drugs, actually there were drug dealers. Needless to say, my car broke down and I got involved in a mess of crap, but soon I realized that life wasn't good without my parents. I went to counselling, got my act together, moved back in and things are great now, I am 38, married and don't live at home anymore!! Those were some very difficult years for me, because I was a mouthy teenager who thought the world owed me something. Be patient, love her as much as you can, let her know that she is always welcomed back with you and your husband, and be patient, she will eventually learn the hard facts of life and things will be ok.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Shelley ~ Wow....thanks for sharing, I know that must have been some time for you but it's great to hear that you took the opportunity to learn from your mistakes, do something about it and make ammends with your parents. You sound like a well adjusted young woman who turned out just fine and it's nice to hear it from somebody who has been there and came out fine. I am sure that Baylee will feel much better hearing from you as I do. Thanks for being so open enough to make us mom's of teens feel better.
Baylee ~ What wonderful news that is to hear that Kelly & Rachel both have jobs!! That must have lifted alot of worry off of your shoulders, huh??? And I am sure that Kelly will feel so much better after having her first real job and making her own money. It's great that she is seeing family as well...and that she has emailed you. I know that you want to see her badly...did you think about perhaps inviting her out for lunch to celebrate her new job??? What do you think about that??? That way you can tell her all about your trip to Las Vegas and catch up with things. Just a thought
Kaitlin has her homecoming this weekend. My brother & his wife are treating her to a dress for her birthday and I will be sending her some money towards having her hair and nails done. I will probably also send her something special to wear such as a necklace or something once I know the color of her dress. She is going with a boy who asked her a few weeks ago & also asked her out. She sounds excited. She also told me that the basketball coach at the school has asked her to try out for the team!! She had played in 9th grade and told him so but he still wants her to try out. She is tall and she should do well.
Well...I hope you think about the lunch idea....I sense that you need a mother daughter outing and this could be a good time to celebrate something special with Kelly.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-16-2005 at 08:34 PM.
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Shelley, Thank you for sharing your story. Goody, was right in saying it did
help me feel better.
Goody, Aww how exciting about Kaitlin's homecoming. I think that is a such
a wonderful idea sending her money to have her hair & nails done. Also such
a sweet idea sending the necklace.
Well, I felt as if progress was being made with me and Kelly and all that went
out the door. :-( Last night she called and talked to her sister Katie, and
wanted to take Katie, Kevin out this weekend for bowling and a movie. The
kicker was that Rachel, would be the driver. This is a huge problem for me
and my husband. I have been a passenger with Rachel, driving and her driving
is very very very poor. Every mistake that could be made was made and this
was only like a 10 minute ride to the vets office. Plus, before Kelly, moved
she has made comments on how bad Rachel's driving skills are. She is 19 and
already been in two accidents { both her fault } plus several tickets. I had to
tell Kelly no but, had a good back up plan. I said her dad or Keith { my son}
could drop them off at the mall and they could still see the movie. This made
Kelly, angry and she sent me a not so nice e- mail. :-{ I tried again to
explain to her that her and Katie could still hang out. There are other options
besides Rachel being the only driving option. She will not reply. :-{ I feel so
bad but, I had to put Kevin & Katie's safety first. Any advice on how to
handle this bump we have hit in the road to healing our relationship ?
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Hmmmmm, Baylee.......I am sorry about the extra stress but you are absolutely right....you must put your children's safety first and we MUST say no if we see good reason to. I am sure you already have your concerns about Kelly being in the same car while Rachel drives...but she is an adult and can make her own decisions now. You can only advise her and whether she takes it or not is really up to her.....as far as her siblings, you are still in charge of making the decisions when it comes to their overall well being & safety. And although Kelly may not be happy with your decision she does need to respect it and understand it. You offering a compromise was perfect....that's the best you can do. I am sure that Kelly wanted to appear like the new cool, independent big sis taking her siblings out and when it couldn't be that way it upset her. Perhaps in the future you can make sure that Kelly is the driver....even that is something that you may find uncomfortable but I am sure that she is a safer driver than Rachel.
Kaitlin is a new driver and has spoken about taking her younger cousins out....I have told her that I would like her to be driving on her own for at least 6 months without an accident before doing that and have spoken to my brother about that as well. It's a big responsibility to have and sometimes young adults do not even realize this. They need us to be their advocate until they are able to. I read recently that the part of the brain that forms good judgement is not developed in young adolescents and won't be until they are into their twenties. They are much more prone to take risks because of this, so I definitely think it was wise of you to intervene. Our kids sometimes want us to say "NO" for them.....my daughter has told me a few times that she was happy that I did.
So, Baylee, release the guilt....don't even let Kelly see you weighed down by it. So long as you offer a compromise and don't say "NO" to something she sees as important you should be fine. If it comes up again or in the future you should say something acknowledging her need and stating yours at the same time....such as, "Oh Kelly that sounds really nice and the kids are going to love spending the night out with their big sis, however, I do have my concerns about Rachel's driving. I would feel much more comfortable if dad or Keith did the driving....with Rachel's history of accidents I need to know that the kids are safe & don't want to put their safety at risk." This way she knows that you understand her need to look cool and spend time with her siblings.
So, Baylee...stand your ground...you didn't say no and there is a compormise to almost every situation!!! You did good....now don't you give in. Hang in there......I know that you are on fragile ground but giving in to Kelly is not allowing her to see that life isn't always your way....there are compromises to be made.
((((HUGS)))) from another mom who knows what guilt is all about!!! ~ Goody
Re: seeking advice on a mother & daughter relationship
Thank you Goody, once again you have made me feel so much better.
The problem with Kelly, driving is that she has only had her license for a year.
Plus has never had her own car. This has her with little driving expierence
herself. We were looking into buying her a car right before she moved. She
can not drive Rachel's car due to Rachel's insurance. Plus Rachel's car in its
self is unsafe. It is very old car with ALOT of problems and seems unsafe.
I feel bad but, will not give in on this one. I think you are right about her
wanting to look cool to her siblings and having dad & me or Keith drop them
off takes the cool off of the outing. She had to have known I would say no
to this request. I wish she could be more understanding. I can not count the
times Kelly, herself has told me she has felt unsafe with Rachel's driving.
Infact Kelly, has been with her while Rachel got two tickets a speeding ticket
and she hit a mailbox { a big public mail box }. My husband thinks she
is testing me to see if I will give in more now that she has left home. Knowing
how much I miss her and worry and just sad she is not here. He feels she is
trying to make me feel bad & guilty. And I do to a degree but, in no way
would I ever put my other childrens safety at risk to please her.
Thank you again for such good advice and support. Baylee
Not that we want to be here on this journey but, it
So....be ready, I may be asking your advice before too long 
let alone even
I also continue to worry but, have been
So long as you offer a compromise and don't say "NO" to something she sees as important you should be fine. If it comes up again or in the future you should say something acknowledging her need and stating yours at the same time....such as, "Oh Kelly that sounds really nice and the kids are going to love spending the night out with their big sis, however, I do have my concerns about Rachel's driving. I would feel much more comfortable if dad or Keith did the driving....with Rachel's history of accidents I need to know that the kids are safe & don't want to put their safety at risk." This way she knows that you understand her need to look cool and spend time with her siblings. 
