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Old 09-28-2005, 02:53 PM   #1
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Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Hey Everyone, My cyber friends and sisters.............

It's been so long that I have not been on these boards I even forgot my own password!

I'm sorry for not being around, as you remember or those who do I
got remarried in June. The past few months I was busy planning my after Wedding Reception...So I had a great Labor Day weekend Wedding Recepition at my house, celebrated my son's 17th birthday too
A week later, My ex-husband, my son's father and bestfriend dies!
He was in a motorcylce accident, in a coma on life support for a week before the Hospital and Doctors explained nothing further could be done..
It's only been a week that he's gone........

My son is devasated, I'm in disablief, if you all remember
I always spoken Well of my ex-husband....He was my Best Friend since I was 16! 27 years with that man in my life and HE's Gone! He was a great father too - did anything for my son....WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Why has life just turned out so awful in the past year???? I can not understand anything anymore.........................

I'm helping my son get through this but I don't know how to get through this.

I can't talk to my New Husband about my feelings.....My friends and family understand how I'm feeling....But, How do I go on? I just can't beleive my ex-husband is dead....Everyday I keep telling myself and it still doesn't feel real.

I'm lost......My new husband who I have been with for 7 years - that's just an entirely different situation.....He hates his ex-wife and has never been friends with her...(she's evil) My ex & I were always friends....
But, I also now realize my new husband-because my attention isn't all on HIM as it's always been - hasn't been as supportive towards me or my son....
I'm so angry but don't know at who - just completely ****** off at life....
WHY? Why did this have to happen? Why did a great guy have to leave?
My son lost a great dad! Now What?

 
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Old 09-28-2005, 03:04 PM   #2
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Ew, those darn motorcycles! I work in an insurance claims office. We recently got an accident where a 33-year old father of twins was killed on his motorcycle.

How sad for you and your son. I'm really sorry to hear that.

 
Old 09-28-2005, 03:10 PM   #3
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Oh Girl Harley.....please accept my deepest & heartfelt sympathies I cannot tell you how your post made my heart sink and how unbelievably saddened I am by this news of your loss and your son's loss of his best friend and father. Please allow Goody and all of your friends here to hold your hand for a while and help you throuhg all of this.

I know that you got on well with your ex, and that is probably a difficult thing for your new husband to understand. Not many ex's stay close like you did with yours. I know how close you were because you talked about him here and it is quite obvious what a wonderful father he was to your son....oh, Girl Harley....I am soooo sorry. Your son must be so lost and his having you understand his loss is soo very important. He will need you to be his support and strength at this time, to make the connections in life and to share the mourning of this loss with somebody who truly understands. You love one another and I am confident that the two of you will not only get through this together but will grow closer as well.

Please be understanding of your new husband....he cannot understand nor should he be expected to. You may be misreading of his support in the sense of his feeling inadequate in being able to do or say the things that you need to hear or see at this time. Many people react this way when somebody dies...it's almost like they run away from the family too, in their own discomfort in not knowing what they can do or say to take away the pain.

I am here for you as we all are. It will get better in time, GH. You come talk to us anytime you need to....and please give your son a BIG (((HUG))) from your healthboards family and tell him that we are truly sorry for his loss. I imagine that he is very worried about his mom too.....lean on one another realizing that with one another's love you will be able to get through this.

((((HUGS)))) & prayers ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-28-2005 at 03:13 PM.

 
Old 09-28-2005, 04:52 PM   #4
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Oh god, GirlHarley, I was just thinking of you today, wondering where you've been and how your life is going, but I had NO idea I would log in later the same day to read this incredibly sad and tragic news. I don't even have words that are good enough to express how sorry I am for what you and your son must be going through. Like Goody said, if you can take any comfort in that I and your other friends here care very much, please do. It must be so hard to comprehend that such a great guy in the prime of his life is gone, just like that, and it will take you some time to adjust to that reality. I'm sure you will go through a range of various feelings for a while because of this but in the end you and your son will be able to deal with this sudden and tragic loss of a father and a friend. Please come here if you need to talk or just vent your feelings; I can understand why you don't feel comfortable talking to your new husband about all this. BIG HUGS to you, Sweetie

 
Old 09-28-2005, 05:41 PM   #5
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Thanks my dear friends.....
It's good to be back but I didn't expect it to be this way....
I wanted to come back to the boards with lots of great exciting news about
my new marriage.............

My son and I were on the outs for some months due to HIM being a teenager,
but with this sudden death of his father, it's brought us closer, and yes he understands that I always loved his dad - as a friend, a bestfriend.....
We have our private moments together after the accident and now coping with his loss and mine.....Together we share that bond - his father and of course my being a parent to him....

I know I must give my new-husband time too.....But I do feel all alone......
My son needs me and I have to remain strong for him.............
It's just I feel alone on dealing with all of this..I'm just confused and totally distraught - I'm Really a Single Parent Now...I always had my ex-husband around not only as a father to our son but a friend...

SO damn hard to explain........One minute your life is going fine and the next it's shattered.......I have had my share of ups and downs over the past year dealing with other situations concerning my current husband's evil ex-wife with false stories about my son sleeping with her daughter (my step daughter)
I have stayed strong and positive..Throgh all this Drama that my Husband provides me.............I have always been there for HIM with all his issues......

It's now GirlHarley's time.....and it's just not happening....I don't know what to expect, I just don't know anything anymore...........

SOPHIA, you know how strong I can be.........But this is just too much for me..I remain strong for my son.............YES, I need you all now...cause I'm just at a lost......Don't even know if I have my sense of humor anymore....

I come home for lunch during the day and I "know' that not only do I live with my New-Husband, but my ex-husband's ashes are in a Urn till we find a place for him with my son........Confusing and screwed up I'm sure it sounds...
I'm just trying to do the right thing for Everyone and I always get the screwed........
I'm sorry - but I'm just screwed up at the moment.......
But, THANK YOU so much for welcoming me back, thinking of me and the encouraging words............

Peace & Hugs.......

 
Old 09-28-2005, 06:31 PM   #6
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

GirlHarley, please don't be hard on yourself. You are NOT screwed up; you are a normal, loving and emotionally healthy human being--that's all. It's only been a week since your ex-husband, best friend, and father of your son passed away completely suddenly--of course you're feeling sad, torn, confused, scared, angry, etc. All these emotions are VERY appropriate given the circumstances! I'm convinced you still have your sense of humor but right now you're grieving so you're not in the mood to joke around. Again, an appropriate response. Give yourself TIME to heal and you will eventually start feeling more at peace and will find things to laugh about again. Life goes on, even if the people we love and care about die. We somehow find ways to cope with it and survive. But it's a process and it won't happen overnight. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come up; I think it would be much worse to bottle them up or deny them. Your current Husband most likely doesn't quite know how to comfort you and what to say, and is feeling confused himself, that's why he wasn't acting as supportive as you would have liked. It's hard for many guys to express their most vulnerable emotions, but this situation is all the more difficult because the person you're grieving is your ex-husband. Maybe it would help if you offered your husband some concrete suggestions on he could do on his part to make you feel a little bit better, like giving you a hug or rubbing your back, or just sit with you and hold you for a while. Maybe right now he is not sure if you'd rather be left alone to process your feelings privately (as many men prefer) or if you'd like his company while you're going through this. He might also be feeling just a tiny bit insecure, so if you add that his love and support means a lot to you, I'm sure he'd be more forthcoming. Sending more warm hugs your way.
Love,
Sophia

 
Old 09-28-2005, 06:55 PM   #7
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Girl Harley ~ Sophia is right...you mustn't be so hard on yourself. Your world has been turned upside down....it's one thing when we can prepare ourselves for something like this, but to experience the loss of somebody we love so suddenly....wow, it's gotta suck the life out of you

Men are programmed so differently and I am sure that if you can tell your husband how you need him and tell him exactly what he can do to help out the most....he will lovingly oblige. I know...we would like them to do it all on their own but sometimes they just are clueless as to what our needs are at any given time

Your house must be in chaos.....your new husband with an urn of your ex's ashes Well, heck that's not too bad!!! Your husband has to realize that this is a part of your son's life and if his father's ashes are with him so be it!! There is nothing to feel guilty about....your son needs his father's remains to be safe with him until you figure out what to do with them. Surely your husband understands that......sounds like you are more upset about that than him...right??

I am not sure....but was your son living with his father at the time??? I know that there were problems with the stepsister and all....and last you were here you told us that your son was with his dad.....is that why you feel that your time that you were looking forward to is over??? That now your son will be staying with you??? And how does your husband feel about that??? I am sure that all these changes in your lives is placing much stress on everyone. I am sure that alot of it stems from guilt....I know you & I parent alike and if anything you are torn between your son's needs and your new husband's needs.

Girl Harley.....your son's needs come first....your husband knew that he was marrying a woman who is a mom....a package deal. He knows that your son needs you now and I have a feeling that you are placing alot of guilt on yourself unnecessarily...that you are concerned about how this will all affect your new husband & the plans you have made. Well...it's simple, things changed and your son needs you and just as if this had happened to your husband's ex & suddenly he had to take care of his kids.....you would be supporting him in that, and he will support you in this. Give him a chance to overcome the shock of these changes. And give him a chance to understand. Talk to him and do not leave him out. He needs to know that you are still his wife and how you are feeling. I know that this may be hard but you cannot shut him out and then expect him to support you. Do you understand???

Take this one day at a time...I know that you are torn but if you explain to your husband how important he is to you and how your son needs you and how your lives must change....he will be able to help you through. Without your opening up to him it makes it difficult to be able to do so.

We are here for you....vent and we will hold your hand.....(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-28-2005 at 07:08 PM.

 
Old 09-29-2005, 03:20 AM   #8
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Sohpia & Goody,
Thank You so much for your words of encouragement....You're both so right.

I forgot all about how "men" handle things differently. My husband is giving me the time and space to mourn and help my son, but it's just his rude remarks upsets me, I have discussed my feelings and concerns with him as best as I good without hurting him. My son needs me now more then ever and he just needs to UNDERSTAND THAT. The plans we planned to have after the wedding recepition, to just relax, chill, and start our new lives as husband & wife are on hold.

Just when I think I can handle any situation that gets thrown my way something else happens. I have remained always strong & positive always taking care of my husband's needs & issues. Getting his children back in his life, dealing with a physco ex-wife, etc.. I never had any issues other then raising my son the best I could. GOODY - you know how hard that is these days.

Yes, My son was living with his dad the last 5 months, due to his behavior, poor grades in school, etc. He and I were rebuilding our once close mother/son relationship. Of course this has brought us closer in many ways.
My son knows "HE" will always come first in my life, he knows I am here for him and I can be Strong for HIM...I just can't be strong for anyone else or myself.

Sophia and Goody, your right too - my emotions are out of whack.
I'm trying to take one day at a time. I'm going to seek counselling next week as I really need it at this time. My son is already in counselling. I tooked him right away...He is at such a loss right now. His friends, all his teenage boys are so supportive and there for him too. I worry for my son too, not to drink or smoke dope to numb his pain.

As for my husband, I just don't know....I wish he was more supportive or alittle more loving regarding all of this - but I knew going into our marriage what I was marrying. I just didn't know he was so selfish and self absorb with just HIMISELF. If my attention isn't on him and taking care of HIS needs or issues he a real $$$$..(and yes I told him so)

So I lean on my friends instead of the man I chose to love and marry.
I question our relationship at this point.

BTW, as for the URN in our home. HE is cool with it...It's ME that feels weird about it at this moment till I find a place in my son's room..

thank you again....................

 
Old 09-29-2005, 08:17 AM   #9
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
As for my husband, I just don't know....I wish he was more supportive or alittle more loving regarding all of this - but I knew going into our marriage what I was marrying. I just didn't know he was so selfish and self absorb with just HIMISELF. If my attention isn't on him and taking care of HIS needs or issues he a real $$$$..(and yes I told him so)

So I lean on my friends instead of the man I chose to love and marry.
I question our relationship at this point.
GH, I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s and your loss of your ex-husband. Being unexpected makes the loss especially tough on both of you.

I wish your husband could be a source of strength for you now but as you admit… you knew what you were marrying. From what you said, he can’t be at his best unless you are at your best… and, normally, you appear to be okay with that. I’m sure you hoped that he could arise to the occasion just this once, but circumstances don’t allow him to be the man you want and need now . I’m not excusing his behavior, just recognizing that partners can fail one another at the worst possible times.

Fortunately, you have always been a smart woman and, indeed, made an excellent choice in leaning on your friends during this time of need. Since no spouse is perfect, marriages will always have rough spots. Friends, both real world and cyber, become invaluable when they can see you past a rough spot. By using your friend’s help wisely, you can see your son and yourself though this huge loss without putting undue strain on your marriage. It would be an even greater tragedy if your loss also damaged your marriage in any way.

You seem to be disappointed to need your friends at a time like this; please don’t be. Friends love to help someone like you… a person who is normal independent and strong… more likely to give help than need it. It’s hard to accept help sometimes, but you’ve earned it. Let your friends continue to support you through this and give them the joy of feeling a bit more connected to you as they do. It’s funny how this world works… we’re more dependent on one another than we’d think.

 
Old 09-29-2005, 08:44 AM   #10
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Girlharley,

I am so sorry for your loss and your son's loss. How awful. And don't so hard on yourself - You were delt a devestating blow and one that was totally unexpected. Your new husband is going to have to try and understand what you and your son are going through right now. It's hard for him because he hates his ex. It would be different if he had the same relationship that you did with your ex.
Men are weird - (OK guys,,,please don't hammer me for that comment) but they think differently than we do. He probably feels a little left out. As weird and morbid as that sounds, I am sure he feels that way.
Though you and your son will never truly forget and get over this sad death, (my Grandpa died 30 yrs ago and I am STILL not over it!) Time will help heal and you will have wonderful memories of him.
Hang in there - It will get better. Just remember allow yourself and your son the time to grieve - That's very important.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 07:09 PM   #11
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

GirlHarley I am so sorry to be so late chiming in here with my sympathy and my sadness for your loss. You have been such a large part of my extended family here - I hope you know how much your friendship (and all of your relationships) mean to us here.

I sat in that front row at a funeral service last fall - my ex never married anyone and I felt that special spot in my heart that an ex-husband can hold.
But GH, I never ever did even try to talk to my husband. Men are so funny about those who went before them. I did share it here in a thread I started, I did talk to a few people who had known him in my family. Mostly here though.
And please keep this thread going for awhile, ok?
Share some of your special moments, funny ones, memorable ones.
We're here for you, we're family....
A big Hug,
Ruth

 
Old 10-01-2005, 06:20 AM   #12
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

Everyone gave such great advice here all I can say is how sorry I am for you and your son. It is probably hard for your husband to understand that there IS a difference between having loving feelings for your ex and grieving the loss of your friend. Unless your hubby has ever loved a friend, lost a friend, or been friends with an ex....he can't understanding it from your standpoint.
I would suggest taking a weekend away with him for just the two of you, but it may be too soon to leave your son behind in this way.... Just hang in there and keep doing what you're doing. A mother's instinct is always the right one.

 
Old 10-02-2005, 01:09 PM   #13
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

thank you so much for your warm and kind words.

I had a rough week coping with my son's loss, my loss, and still trying to keep up a front for my New Husband......Well, it didn't work...

No matter what I do - nothing has pleased him. I have tried to respect his needs and be there for him, he has nothing to offer....

FRIDAY night I went to bed early...Only to be awaken by my screaming husband at what a LOSER I am, I'm crazy, I'm not a good mother, and many other words and yelling.....I was in complete shock..I'm sure he flipped and started drinking again but I haven't a clue what is in his mind.....
My son was out and not home and it was 1:30AM so my HUSBAND decided to go on a rampage with screaming, yelling, accusing me of having thoughts of other men.........Imagine my horror to wake up to this and that my son Wasn't Home......

I called my son on his cell phone repeatlly to get home now...He did.
I woke up Saturday morning and packed my bags.........I'm staying at my ex-husband's apartment ( my recently deceased ex-husband ) Life is so freaking strange....My husband hasn't bothered to even CALL ME! Had my sister call my house last night (at was at her house) MY husband told her I was out shopping! Can you beleive that! Shopping from 8AM to 8PM,,,,,I was no where near a mall yesterday.......

I don't have the strength to agrue anymore, don't have the energy to repair this relationship while still trying to come to terms with my son's dad recently passing away.........

Does anyone have an answer to this? How did life turn out so crazy for me?
I love and I get burnt....I give and it's no good........I have always taken care of HIS issues.............Look where it's gotten me................

 
Old 10-02-2005, 01:13 PM   #14
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

WOW -GirlHarley - I'm soo sorry for everything you've had to deal with recently. I'm surprised to read your last post. Stay strong, for you and your son. I'm sorry your husband is being such a jerk, showing no empathy for you. I'm sorry that you lost your best friend (ex-husb). Try not to make any rash decisions right now on your future. Just try to go day by day and deal with things as they come up. Take care of you!

 
Old 10-02-2005, 02:55 PM   #15
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Re: Ex-Husband Passed Away!

I am so sorry GirlHarley - I wish I knew what to say or do since I can't give you a big hug right now...
You know you're amongst friends here - we'll walk with you every step of the way until you get where you're going.
And I'm thinking it should be a place that is safe & comfortable with room to grow.

I'm not real sure what is happening with your husband - you mentioned alcohol which could be a huge part of it. But I've also heard that there can be an adjustment period for people who live together and then get married. It turns on a different "tape" in your head. i.e., his "wife" wouldn't do this or that while the person he saw you as while you were living together might.

Needless to say his behavior at 1:30 a.m. was way over the line and I sure do applaud you for being able to get out of there safely. Physically anyway - I know that emotionally you are reeling..
I am so glad that you are safe at least -
I just wish there was more I could do to really help...
A big hug,
Ruth

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 10-02-2005 at 02:56 PM.

 
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