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Old 09-30-2005, 11:34 AM   #1
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Question I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Hi, I am needing advise from anyone! I have been married to my husband for 9 years now& we have 1 child, who is 3 yrs. old. I cheated on my husband 2 yrs. ago with this guy, who was a friend of my brother's. Well, I instantly fell in love with this guy. Needless to say, my husband found out about our affair and we quit seeing each other. But, I still think about him everyday of my life. Also my husband and I don't have a very good relationship going for us right now. I love him,and I always will, but I'm not in love with him anymore! I feel like I am meant to be with this guy, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if it is just the "new" thing or what. I am just really, really confused right now on what I want. I feel like I want to be with the other guy, but then I think about the "What If's". What if, I leave my husband that loves me more than life, for this guy and it was the wrong thing to do? What if, I think that I don't really love my husband, then I leave and realize that I really did love my husband? I am just totally confused & frustrated with the sitaution that I am in right now, and I really need some advise. My husband and I really act like we don't have anything for each other anymore. We don't even sleep together, we never go out, and we hardly ever make love, not because he doesn't want to, but because I have no desire to. I was thinking for a long time that I had just lost my sexual desire, but I really have just lost it for my husband. Because I want to make love to the other guy every time I see him, if not 2-3 times a day, when we do see each other. But, I haven't seen the other guy in about a year and a half. Because I was trying to keep my distance from him to see if I could work things out with my husband, but nothing has really gotten better. My husband cannot forgive me for what I have done to him either, which I can understand where he's coming from. I wouldn't know, because he has never cheated on me before and honestly I would never want to feel that feeling. So that's why I don't want to get into this relationship AGAIN, with the other guy, unless I know it is for good. Because I do not ever want to put my husband through the pain that he went through from the affair. I am stuck in between 2 men and don't have a clue what to do, if anyone has been in my situation or is in my situation, PLEASE give me your advise!!!! Because it is really starting to drive me CRAZY! PLEAS HELP!!!!!!

 
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Old 09-30-2005, 12:51 PM   #2
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Well first and formost, if your husband can't forgive you for the affair, there's really nothing more to talk about. Was having the affair wrong? Yes. But he took you back and he needs to get over it or the marriage will never survive. If he has unresolved issues about the affair, you need to talk to him and open the lines of communication. I know this because my brother cheated on his wife of 10 yrs (at the time) and they got back together. She has never forgiven him for it and they are miserable. They have been married now for 27 yrs and there is no love there only habit. She is still so mad and bitter at him and just won't let it go.
Secondly, there is no guarantee in anything. You may leave your husband and find out you want him back. You may leave and go with this other guy and it may not work out. My point is you will have to make an adult decision and live with the consequences - good or bad.
How do you even know this other man still wants to be with you or isn't with someone else now? You said it's been a year and a half. Alot can happen in that time frame.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 01:32 PM   #3
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Unhappy Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Thanks for your advise! How do I know the other man still wants to be with me or isn't with someone else now? Is, because I still talk to him on occasion on the phone, probably about once a month because I really don't want to get too caught up in the moment more than I am right now. He has had a relationship since our affair, but it's long gone! I actually talked to him today! I just feel like he's the one for me! And, like I said in my previous post, my husband is not forgiving me for this and it is something I have to deal with everday with our relationship, and him too. I think it has driven him crazy! I know it would me too! I really think at the time of the affair about his feelings(husbands), and didn't have a clue that he was ever gonna find out, so I never thought in my wildest dreams that it would hurt him sooo much. And i do have a heart, I do regret every minute of hurting him, but I don't regret the relationship I had with the other guy. I just feel like he can't get over it, nor I can get over it. And just like you said about your brother's marriage, ours is the same, it is miserable at times. It used to be everyday until recently, just about 2 months ago, he started chilling out about it. Now, it's probably every other day, that he brings it up and he don't understand that when he brings it up, that it brings it up in my head too. I do know that what i did was definetely not the right thing to do(the affair) but noone ever means to do it, it just kind of happens and before you know it, your caught up in another relationship. I was actually at a bar the night it happened and I really thought it would just be a one night stand, but it didn't end. I kept wanting more & more of him. The "NEW" feeling is what got me, i think. But the new always goes away with anybody. I just know that I am not happy in my current relationship and I still have strong feelings for the other guy, don't get me wrong, "I still love my husband and always will, but I am no longer In Love with him". And I was going to leave when he found out about the affair, but he wouldn't let me, threatening to kill himself, etc. he was heartbroken, so I thought I would give it a chance. And, just like you said, i really do think that my marriage is more a habit than anything, because this is the life that I have lived so long, now that i have a child, that makes it more complicated, i am also a very dependent woman, i depend on him alot, which shouldn't be no reason for staying. I married my husband when i was 16, i am 26 now, so we have been married for almost 10 yrs. now, i just wanted to let you know a little bit more about my realtionship. So, now what do you think?

Last edited by nluv; 09-30-2005 at 01:35 PM.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 02:03 PM   #4
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Well I think you got married too young, but there's no point in going into that now.
Do you work? If you leave your husband you are going to have to become independent and support yourself and I assume your child. I assume you will try and get custody?
I am sure your husband is still very hurt by the whole thing, but if he threaten to kill himself when you almost left, he either needs professional help, or it was all an act to keep you from leaving. I don't understand why a man so distraut about his wife maybe leaving him would then go and hold what she did over her head for the rest of her life. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Bottom line is that you hurt him and broke your marriage vows. Some marriages can recover, other can't. I know if my husband cheated on me that would be the end, just because I know that I couldn't get over it. But I know myself and I would let him go and end the marriage right then and there instead of keeping him around and torturing both of us.
You need make that decision. Do I think this other guy is the "forbidden fruit"? Kinda. You can't have him and it's all secret stuff, but remember this relationship too will become old and comfortable. Just like your marriage did. I don't have the magic answer for you, but suggest that you think long and hard about what you are going to do and prepare yourself in the event you need to move out and support yourself and your child. If you decide to stay and work it out, you need to have a very long heart to heart talk with your husband and maybe get some professional help. I couldn't live with a man if he was ****** at me 24/7 for something I did years ago, especially after he begged me to stay. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning the affair, but I am firm believer in the fact that if you agree to stay in a marriage when an affair has occurred, you better be prepared to get over it and forgive. If you can't forgive, you need to get out. Just my two cents.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 02:20 PM   #5
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Bad, bad situation to be in with a child involved. If you decide to divorce your husband he could use the adultery card and file for full custody of the child.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 03:02 PM   #6
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Is the new guy going to accept you having a child? Is he good with children? Most short affairs are more about lust than the day to day responsibilities of working, child care, paying bills, ect......
Maybe you should be on your own for awhile. Learn to live without a guy. Then see how you feel about both men.

 
Old 09-30-2005, 05:28 PM   #7
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Consider the emotional damage leaving your husband will have on your child.
Consider the damage to your husband's esteem and the lack of love he feels from you because of the affair. If you're still in love with someone else, it is effecting how you view and treat your husband. You're probably still not focusing on your marriage and he may feel this, particularly if you're in love with someone else.

If you have the patience, strength and integrity to stop loving other men and focus on your own husband and family, you will fall back in love with him in time. This is where you'll find lasting happiness.

Even if this other guy wants you now, either you or this other guy will find yet a third person to fall for if you two decide to start a life together.

 
Old 10-01-2005, 07:39 AM   #8
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Quote:
Originally Posted by somepeople
Consider the emotional damage leaving your husband will have on your child.
Consider the damage to your husband's esteem and the lack of love he feels from you because of the affair. If you're still in love with someone else, it is effecting how you view and treat your husband. You're probably still not focusing on your marriage and he may feel this, particularly if you're in love with someone else.

If you have the patience, strength and integrity to stop loving other men and focus on your own husband and family, you will fall back in love with him in time. This is where you'll find lasting happiness.

Even if this other guy wants you now, either you or this other guy will find yet a third person to fall for if you two decide to start a life together.
Thanks for all of your replies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are exactly right on how I have hurt my husbands self esteem, and also the lack of love he feels for me because of the affair. And, YES,it is affecting me, as far as how I look at and how I treat my husband, because I'm really not focusing on my marriage, I am focusing on the other guy. I've tried sooo hard for the past 2 years to try and fall in love with my husband over again, and for some reason I cannot get that feeling back. I'm just really confused on what I should do and he is getting to that point hisself. This morning on the way to work, he waa telling me that he was going to give me some time away to let me see what I want, because he's tired of me not showing him
any affection. And, even though it scares me to death, I think it would be the best thing for both me and him. If, I can refrain myself from seeing the other guy while were split. If I can't do that, then I surely wouldn't be focusing on my marriage! I really have no idea on how to fall back in love with my husband or know if I really love him or not,unless we do seperate. Because I will have no sense of direction unless I do something about this. But we cannot live our lives the way we are now, so something is gonna have to give. And, yes the other guy is prepared for my child, he loves kids, and prepared for bills, daycare, etc. If something were to happen with our realtionship, I would not immediatley move in with the other guy anyway. And, no I don't have a job at the current time,but I am getting ready to start looking so that if something does happen with us, I will be in-dependent to take care of me and my son. My husband would never try to take my son away from me either, I don't think that will ever be a problem. I think that we would both be adults about the sitaution and I would let him see his son as much as he would like to. I am feeling like I am stuck in the situation and can't get out, and don't know what to do ither. Any suggestions?

 
Old 10-05-2005, 09:50 PM   #9
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Well, I do understand, I say so often I love my husband, but I am not in love with him, we married young, 17 and 18yrs old, had a child right away. have been married 32yrs...and now where am I? In love with someone else..(sound familiar?). My husband is a wonderful guy, but we are different in many ways, as we grew older, we grew apart. I kept myself full of diversions, friends, church, kids, ill parent. One by one those diversions were gone, kids moved out, married, mother passed on, moved out of area of familiar friends, and church.. and now its only me and hubby, with no relationship, no communication. we are so different now, i am motivated, work 2 jobs, he is more layed back, i want to travel, he doesnt have money, and so thats okay with him. I am outgoing, he is okay with doing nothing. so very different.
I said all that to say, people change.. Its sad but true, the answer is never adultry, but it happens, we are drawn to someone who gives us what we miss. In my case the sex at home was nothing to write home about, all about him... I didnt know I could enjoy it, be filled, laugh, and even talk during it. Unfortunately I found out the wrong way. So if we stay, we settle.. If we leave we risk. I feel the need to move to find ME. I have never been alone and I am scared, but my hubby doenst deserve this, a cheating wife. He deserves someone to love, who loves him the same way. And I guess I deserve to be happy also.
I forgot to mention, there is no financial security with husband, with "other" guy there is that also for me.
My situation is that the "other" guy wont wait forever, he loves me and wants a life with me.... and he too deserves to be in a loving relationship.
Tough situation, I can sympathize with you. Good luck, and lookinside yourself.

 
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Old 10-06-2005, 02:01 AM   #10
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Remember, What one may do with you, One may do to you.
There usually is a reason a single person is attracted to a married person in the first place. Ask why?
Anybody can tell you there ready to take on the responsibilities of another"s life and kids. Isn"t it better to have one who"s a proven commodity? When the sex and thrill settles, the other person may feel different about you. You and the other person already have proven both do not respect the values of marriage. Do you expect one or both to stay and work out the issues?
Your children will grow up knowing how the the other person and yourself met. Usually later down the road of life, children resent that fact. The child"s view will only add tension to a marriage.

 
Old 10-06-2005, 06:07 AM   #11
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Quote:
Originally Posted by susieq0726
Well first and formost, if your husband can't forgive you for the affair, there's really nothing more to talk about. Was having the affair wrong? Yes. But he took you back and he needs to get over it or the marriage will never survive.
What Suzie says is true. If one takes a cheating spouse back, they must be able to forgive as a part of the healing process. However, the forgiveness and healing on the cheated spouseís part can only occur with complete and unequivocal remorse by the cheating spouse. Forgiveness cannot happen while the cheating spouse still has a wandering heart. This emotional mindset manifests itself in many ways on a daily basis that reinforces to the betrayed spouse that there is not true desire for forgiveness.

The cheating spouse must demonstrate in actions and deeds their commitment to making the marriage work in order for a betrayed spouse to be able to forgive. If the wayward spouse has shown in words and actions their remorse, then it is true that the betrayed spouse must do their part to forgive or it will not work.

You can not harbor love and lust in your heart and talk by phone with that lover and also claim to have shown in word, deed, and thought to be committed to reconciliation. Unless this condition exists, the actions and mindset that accompanies forgiveness cannot happen,

 
Old 10-06-2005, 10:33 AM   #12
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

I disagree with somepeople saying that if you focus on your husband, you will fall back in love with him. What was love at age 16 may not have been love at all. It's unfortunate that there is a child involved, but life goes on and children sense when their parent's marriages stink.

You need to ask yourself what the REAL issue is: do you no longer see your husband as a lifelong mate, or are you not in love with your husband *because* the third party is skewing your view of things? If you leave, leave for yourself, not someone else. Leaving shouldn't be conditional on ab or c if it's truly right. If you leave for yourself, take the view that if this other man fits into the picture down the line, fine: if not, fine. Don't put all your eggs in the one basket. I think that the only way things are REALLY going to become clear to you is if you have some alone time without all of these competing feelings and distractions. Your husband threatening to kill himself was manipulation and he is an adult, accountable for his own actions.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 10-06-2005 at 10:34 AM.

 
Old 10-06-2005, 06:02 PM   #13
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Quote:
Originally Posted by vintagegirl
I disagree with somepeople saying that if you focus on your husband, you will fall back in love with him. What was love at age 16 may not have been love at all. It's unfortunate that there is a child involved, but life goes on and children sense when their parent's marriages stink.

You need to ask yourself what the REAL issue is: do you no longer see your husband as a lifelong mate, or are you not in love with your husband *because* the third party is skewing your view of things? If you leave, leave for yourself, not someone else. Leaving shouldn't be conditional on ab or c if it's truly right. If you leave for yourself, take the view that if this other man fits into the picture down the line, fine: if not, fine. Don't put all your eggs in the one basket. I think that the only way things are REALLY going to become clear to you is if you have some alone time without all of these competing feelings and distractions. Your husband threatening to kill himself was manipulation and he is an adult, accountable for his own actions.
I so agree with Vintagegirl. We do change quite dramatically from the age of 16, and I wouldn't want to have children with anyone unless I'm absolutely sure I want to remain married to him for a loooong time. But that's not the point. I am not one to advise since I've never been married myself, but it still seems like a waste of life to be married to someone you no longer love. However, not to make any hasty decisions, would it be possible to go away for a couple of weeks without your husband to just think things through? Sometimes we take someone for granted just because they let us and we don't realize how much they mean to us until they're gone.

 
Old 10-06-2005, 07:01 PM   #14
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Hi,
I have to agree with vintagegirl. Love at 16,17 is not real love, its infactuation. I try to examine myself and be sure its Love not Lust. and that i love the person not the position, love the person not the passion.
I wonder if you can bring back the feelings, I guess there has to be a good past to be able to have a good future..

 
Old 10-07-2005, 04:30 AM   #15
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Re: I'm married, but I'm "in love" with someone else

Whether you stay with your husband isn"t the point anymore. It"s the fact you want to be with another right away. The guy who says he can take care of you and is in love with you seems to be in a hurry. Why? Is there a single woman out there who he can be with.
Again, If he is so wonderful, why is he waiting for a married woman? Why was he attracted to one initially? Usually, There are reasons behind the type of man who acts like this. These reasons need to be adressed now.
Funny, Some woman posters have chosen to not think about the new guy and talk about the marriage. I first thought about what the new guys intentions were. Shows how different men and woman can think .

 
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